So I am sure many will read the title but not the body. I will say I have my opinions of cops, prisons, etc and it is mostly a progressive view but not entirely. I believe the entire United States has a lot of roots still tied to slavery and segregation. To look at the big picture we have made slavery and segregation illegal on paper but we just hoped over time the reproductions of slavery and segregation would go away... And they have not. Black people make up approximately 12% of the US population is black. Yet nowhere near 12% of large corporate CEOs or founders are black. So I get that the entire system is still rigged against racial minorities.
Now on to my recent conversation with a cop. I will just summarize by saying I asked their opinion of the social unrest in 2020 after the murder of George Floyd. They quickly answered what happened to Floyd was a murder, the cops deserve the prison time they got, but that did not like they did not like having to work 14 hour shifts 7 days in a row during social unrest in their city cop job because of people looting, along with people throwing bricks at the cops. Mind you this cop is a city cop in a city in the east coast. In their exact words they said people should be more upset with not law enforcement but instead be upset with the people who maintain the status quo: Politicians, CEOs of corporations, banks, etc. In their view the ideas that became popular in 2020 like defunding the police are things the white supremacists, the ultra rich, etc all want because that means less cops, which will then lead to more crime and will disproportionately affect the poor, minorities, etc.
So basically this cop gave me some perspective. They are a friend of a friend I met in college and just casually did a 10 minute FaceTime with them. They said they fear not enough people will want to go into law enforcement because the news reports every time a cop does or does not do something wrong. For example they explained that the chief of their city has said but not put in writing to not pull people over for traffic violations. This eventually gets discovered and speeding/street racing/etc rise and leads to injuries = People then get up and arms about "where are the cops"? At the end they summarized their beliefs with an example from 2021 where they responded to a person breaking into someone's car parked on the street at night. A lady called it in because it was her SUV that got the window broken, and the thieves stole her AirPods from the center console. It took this cop 9 minutes to get there because of critical vacancies and when they got to the residence the woman was yelling it took so long... The icing on the cake in their opinion was that she had a "defund the police" bumper sticker on her car. Their last comment to me was that prior to George Floyd's murder police departments were already running short staffed. Many cops quit within the month of the Floyd murder and now mandatory overtime is constant.
How would you interpret what this cop said? It definitely gave me some perspective and I agree mostly that people throwing things at police during protests is wrong. I do completely agree that a lot of people who want to defund the police seem to just give a pass to corporations, the judges, politicians, etc who are the ones who delegate funds/actually make the laws to keep institutional racism going. Cops are needed because even in a clean, progressive, educated society there will still be home invasions, carjackings and murders. I myself will close by saying that there are probably few jobs out there that suck as much as being a cop. You are hated by many people on the left because they think you are a pig, a racist, etc. You are hated by many on the right, just for different reasons. Take a look at January 6 and how the Trump GQP assholes treated capitol police.

Sorry for the long post but I have a lot to say right now.
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I (19M) saw my psychiatrist today and I'm seriously at my wits end. I am currently in treatment for psychosis as specified by my original pediatric psychiatrist (no specific diagnosis given) and was prescribed 25mg IR seroquel after my first appointment. My dose of seroquel went up to 150mg XR after the initial 25mg IR was not helping, tried abilify but had a reaction and was forced back onto seroquel; The appointment after I had a reaction was unfortunately my last (wait times in Australia are extremely long and the most frequent I can get is every 6 months) as he was a pediatric psychiatrist and I had just turned 18.
I was referred to a new psychiatrist by my pediatric one and they are apparently friends (or at least professional acquaintances), and things started to go downhill from here. At my first appointment, I asked to be changed off seroquel as the sedation was borderline unbearable, and the other side effects were interfering with my life; On top of the fact the medication did not work as well as I had hoped. This request was denied, instead my dose was lowered to 100mg XR in an attempt to relieve side effects even though that wasn't the only thing bothering me. Surprise surprise no improvements and I was back in his office again complaining about the side effects and the meds not working. I asked for zyprexa since I had heard good things about it through some good friends I made in a support group, but this was again shut down because he "doesn't like prescribing it because it causes too much weight gain." I said I was okay with this because I am already pretty underweight, but ultimately it went nowhere. He said he would need some tests to be done before a change to my medication could be considered, which was a sleep deprivation EEG and a brain MRI, fair enough I thought. Dose is upped to 150mg XR again while I go away to get these tests.
Then today rolls around and I again, ask for a change to my medication because there is no improvement or difference, and the tests indicated nothing of note. I also spoke about my feelings of emptiness and clouded and disorganised mind. He then asked me if I think I have depression, which I strongly denied because I am 100% certain I do not have depression. In spite of this, he asked me to take a DASS. I answered 2 out of the 21 questions as "always" and the rest as never. He then began trying to pick holes in what I said by pointing out discrepancies in what I said vs what I answered, which I thought was a little weird but maybe he was just doing his job. I again asked if I could try risperidone or some other antipsychotic, to which he again shut down my request and instead opted to prescribe me zoloft while saying "your psychosis is unlikely to respond to treatment." Keep in mind at this point I have tried a total of TWO medications, one of which i was unable to continue after 48 hours because I had a severe reaction to it. I protested and said I really don't think I have depression, but again he insisted that people with ASD may experience depression without sadness. He said that we can discuss changes to my antipsychotic in my next appointment, after this "tiral run" of zoloft, and lowered my dose back to 100mg XR.
This is the third time my attempt to try and change my treatment plan has failed. Every time I ask to change antipsychotics the answer is always "next appointment we can discuss it" but next appointment comes, I have a new suggestion which is immediately shut down and I'm given another reason why changing medications isn't possible. The excuse today was that "while risperidone isn't as sedating, it has a lot of other side effects." SO DOES EVERY ANTIPSYCHOTIC AND EVERY MEDICATION KNOWN TO MAN, THEY ALL HAVE SIDE EFFECTS. I'm at a fucking loss right now, I've been essentially begging to stop taking seroquel for the last year and a half, each time my request is denied; Even worse now we're chasing a fucking red herring because I made the mistake of telling a psychiatrist how I feel. Just to rub salt in the wound, my medication changes can be discussed "next appointment."
Feel free to give me advice or just reassurance or something in the replies, I don't really know what I want right now.

I 18 female live with my 21 male boyfriend and his best friend and his soon to be ex girlfriend. I had just recently moved away from home with my boyfriend for his work and his best-friends also moved due to them working together. So we all moved in, the first could of days were normal but then I started to see let’s call her Kate my roommate being distant to her boyfriend let call him mark and over the couple weeks they started to drift and barely even speak to one another in this time Kate and I grew close. Started talking and hanging out more. Telling me about her relationship problems then it started getting out of hand she would comment on the way he looked saying he had gotten fat she isn’t attracted to him and many other vile things about her boyfriend at the time and this made me feel like I was in the middle because that’s my boyfriend’s best-friend so I’m having to keep all of this a secret from my partner because he will tell him best-friend so I was torn for a couple weeks and then the problems began that she wasn’t paying rent. She had moved and been here for two months without a job when I had gotten a job in under a week I would cook and she would eat it then never offer to cook and if she did it would only be for herself then her and her boyfriend got into an argument and they broke up and here’s where we get to the present time she has now been broken up with for about 4 days now the night they had broken up I had walked out of my room to get a glass of water to where I see mark on the couch so I sit with him and have a conversation with him about how he’s feeling about everything to where she has eavesdropped on our conversation then has proceeded to call me names and other extremities for speaking with him to where I brushed it off and left the situation then the next day I proceed to cook dinner for everyone besides her due to her being locked away in her room to then have her call me names once again for cooking him dinner. Then to message mark and call me such names again to him. Then she is refusing to leave even though she doesn’t pay rent nor has a job. We would’ve all helped her move and find a new place if she was being civil but she has become very hostile and unkind but now she is just making us all uncomfortable in our own home. I know she may not have anywhere to go but that isn’t our problem she would’ve been welcome but not with the behaviour she has shown and lastly today she has taken the key to our house which we only have two to our house so she has taken my key in which I need it to get inside when I finish work but she has taken and stolen the key so I can’t get into the house til mark and my boyfriend get home from work. I’ve given her til Friday to move out but am I being an asshole for kicking her to the curb because of her behaviour?

Ever since I was a kid I have always lied to other.. pretending to be a Muslim. My father was the only one knew about this yet he accept me for who I am.... so it's hurts when he passed away today.. and even more hurts when my siblings tell me that I must solat everyday(bcoz they believe that father will be t0rtured in hell because although he is a Muslim.. he is not religious and rarely solat)
And I guess I will continue lying. It's hurts to lie to my own family.. but what can I do?
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And what would happen to my father after he passed away? I dunno. I dunno what would happen after we die.. but I know for sure that all religions are lies.. and my father won't go to any hell(and the sad part is there is no heaven either) Now that my father is gone... I wonder if the rest of family would love me as much as my father love me? My brother once beaten me up because I didn't want to solat with him. And I remember my other siblings talk bad about me when I stopped praying(they dunno I'm an atheist but they know that I'm no longer religious)

Okay I’ll start this off by saying this is all hypothetical with unlimited casting budget and a spell to make all of them want to join/rejoin the show. I know I’ll get downvoted for some of these choices but remember we are watching for drama and entertainment not for a moral compass lesson. Rather then downvote, tell me ur opinions or suggestions!! I truly believe Beverly Hills is flopping because of the same reason as KUWTK, the show has lost all relatability.
To bring some of this back, I’d heavily cut back on the filming of Glam Squads and focus more on the extravagant lifestyles they live, and their expensive parties. In this way, we still get the lifestyle porn we crave but not in a rediculous superficial way. Possible storylines at the bottom of post…

1. 𝐊𝐘𝐋𝐄 𝐑𝐈𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐃𝐒- the OG Beverly Hills housewife. It’s always good to have some familiarity in the show and I believe she’s a semi good pot stirrer for drama. I wouldn’t say she’s my favourite housewife but she’s a solid attribute to the show.
   
2. 𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐀 𝐕𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐏𝐔𝐌𝐏- the master puppeteer bobby fisher. I think its undeniable no matter how much you love LVP that she does manipulate the storyline to some extent and that’s what we need. I also don’t think she’d stand for some of the ridiculous storylines we’ve seen such as Brandi and Denise or Erika bullying Sutton.
   
3. 𝐀𝐃𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐍𝐄 𝐌𝐀𝐋𝐎𝐎𝐅- the classy voice of reason. Adrienne comes from old money, and she brings the lifestyle porn aspect. If we cast 8 rinnas and Brandis the show would just turn into a free for all, it’s always good to have some strong but not overly dramatic ladies among the cast.
   
4. 𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐀 𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐍𝐀- Nutcracker Squirrel Crazy. Like many people I have a love hate relationship with rinna. Most of the things she does I do not agree with however as stated, we aren’t watching for moral compass, but for drama. Before Erika joined, rinna was crazy but she wasn’t the completely ethical-less human being she became after season 9. I think without Erika she will become less evil but still bring the storyline’s as she did in season 5 and 6.
   
5. 𝐆𝐀𝐑𝐁𝐋𝐄 𝐁𝐄𝐀𝐔𝐕𝐀𝐈𝐒- I’m choosing garcelle for the same reasons as Adrienne, she’s a voice of reason and she’s also very unlikely to back down from her opinions and will always speak up when she disagrees with something. I like how she doesn’t tend to be a sheep and follow along with BS storyline’s simply because the other ladies are. Also brings a mom of teenagers aspect.
   
6. 𝐊𝐈𝐌 𝐑𝐈𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐃𝐒- I think we all have a soft spot for Kim. She’s opinionated and outspoken and brings a cute little kooky aspect that Sutton is currently bringing. I think everyone wants to see how she’s doing and I really loved her on the show because she stands up for herself without creating unnecessary drama.
   
7. 𝐊𝐀𝐓𝐇𝐘 𝐇𝐈𝐋𝐓𝐎𝐍- I’m choosing Kathy because I feel it would create an interesting dynamic to have all the richards sisters on at once. I don’t know who I believe in the aspen accusations, however Kathy is RICH HUNNY. She’s classy whilst also adding the kooky and funny aspect whilst having a strong side.
   

𝟖. 𝐁𝐑𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐈 𝐆𝐋𝐀𝐍𝐕𝐈𝐋𝐋𝐄- Trashy, Messy but reality TV gold. Brandi by no means is a moral high ground however she truly is fun to watch. She’s not necessarily a vile human being (like rinna s12) but she also won’t take BS from anyone. I think it would be interesting to see her back in the show.
𝐅𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐃𝐒 𝐎𝐅:
𝐊𝐑𝐈𝐒 𝐉𝐄𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐑- I think Kris Jenner on the show would be a ratings boom. She’s quite possibly the most well connected woman in America with endless wealth and class. I’m putting her as a friend of because as a housewife, I believe the woman would be simply to scared to go against her due to her fame and money. She’s got connections already to Faye Resnick, Kyle, Kathy, and Kim.
𝐃𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐓 𝐊𝐄𝐌𝐒𝐋𝐄𝐘- I kinda love dorit but let’s be real she’s a bit boring. I think she’s a good voice of reason and is iconic at times and that’s why I’ve put her as a friend of.
𝐅𝐀𝐘𝐄 𝐑𝐄𝐒𝐍𝐈𝐂𝐊- The morally corrupt. Unpopular opinion but I think Faye would be a great housewife. I’m putting her as a friend of this season to see how she holds up. She’s not afraid of anyone and will call out what she believes to be wrong.
POSSIBLE STORYLINES:
I think early on Kyle would make drastic attempts to amend relationship with LVP. I think LVP would superficially pretend to move on, but there is no way in the world she would fully forgive. I think the pent up resentment would eventually lead to LVP turning the storyline to a Kyle takedown. After her previous actions I don’t think any of her sisters would do anything major to save her from drowning and it would basically be her, Faye and dorit against the rest of the cast with Kris staying somewhat neutral.
I feel Garcelle, Adrienne and Kathy would align themselves quickly to create a strong alliance that speaks up against BS.
Kim and Brandi are obviously already friends, maybe go against rinna.
Rinna without Erika will be forced to be nicer, but I don’t think she would tone it down to the point of boringness, probably align with Kyle simply to have a friend somewhere.
Lisa V will most likely befriend Kris, as well as Garcelle, Adrienne and Kathy. I don’t know if she will forgive Brandi, I don’t think she takes Brandi seriously enough to initiate a takedown of her but I highly doubt any form of true forgiveness.
Overall, I think this cast would be the end of Kyles time on the show. She has done too much to her sisters for them to save her from a takedown. I think this season would be super super interesting.

We have been together for 2.5 years and lived together for almost 2. We are almos 1 year legal partners.
Due to work and recently moved to a month we country, we have both gained some weight, but since we work out it’s mostly noticeable just on our bellies. I have noticed a decreased interest on our sex life for a while and although I have raised it several times, I eventually let it go, but his reasoning is that he is uncomfortable with his appearance and feeling ugly naked.
A couple of weeks ago I entered his office and saw a work chat with a gay colleague of his that works miles away across the ocean, however I saw some hearts. I brought it up but he said that there is nothing there.
I am against checking your significant other phones as I know it is an invasion of privacy, and he knows that I found out my long time ex boyfriend cheated on me and I found out through his social media and although he confessed, I later continued checking his phone and social media (very toxic).
Back to my current partner story, I couldn’t help it and I checked his phone and saw some messages with this colleague, that although were not sexual or super flirty from my partners end, the colleague said things like “you are hot”, “good morning handsome”, “I hope you had a beautiful weekend, you deserved it”, etc. My partner did compliment him a couple of times though.
Fast forward to last night, he was on a tram building with his regional colleagues, which is fine, but he arrived home quite late for his style for being a weekday event. We share locations so I saw he arrived, so I pretended to be sleeping already to surprise him. To my surprise, it took him around 15min to enter the house and when I saw the location, he was a block away from the house. I waiter a bit longer but I wasn’t feeling ok, I knew something was happening. I went out and confronted him and he was on the phone with his colleague in the middle of the night laughing and when he saw me he said “hey my husband just came to pick me up! Have a good night”, laughed and hung up.
I told him that cheating is not only sexual, there is also emotional cheating and that I didn’t feel good and even less when he knows I have been cheated before. He apologized but I asked to continue the conversation this morning.
Today she showed me his phone and let me check his conversations with his colleague, and asked me not to leave him. I asked to also show me the conversation on social media (that I already saw but he doesn’t know) and he said that he deleted it last night because he felt ashamed, and that I am right, that he unintentionally might have been talking to this guy without thinking of my feelings.
I explained how I felt and now k don’t know what to do.
I still love him like crazy, I think he makes me better and I make him better as well, I asked him to think about what he wants and tell me because I am not sure if I will be able to forgive and/or forget.
Am I overreacting? Technically he didn’t cheat, maybe it was just a platonic fling with a colleague but still.. what should I do?
Extra information: we have discussed several times we are not interested in opening the relationship, and that we both rather break up than cheat and or open it.
P.s i know probably this will only be covered (if ever) on a later episode, so I would like to ask for this community support

Me(19) was in a 3 week complicated relationship with someone (20M). We were in a LDR with no label relationship. We agreed to do so, since we thought it would be too fast. We knew each other already since high school and got closer when we were in senior year through chat. Both of us are currently college students studying very far away from our localities. The distance between each other is about 16 hours away.
Everything started okay, our school year started late so currently our second semester is still ongoing. While theirs' is currently in summer period. He is currently taking summer classes and I has a lot of time on his hands. Everything was so good and enthusiastic at first. He shown me all of the green flags a guy can have. He likes to update me and will message me when he is free. But suddenly after a week, he started to slowly change. He will still update me but he seems to be too busy. He will only be free and completely active on midnight. He is a sleepy-head so whenever we chat or call at that time, there is a possibility that he will sleep in between calls or chats. He argued that it is also due to my voice being comfortable and he is not used to my sleeping pattern. I usually sleep between 3-4 AM.
Time passes and he continues to change, he wont chat me first anymore. He wont spend time on me, he keeps on playing with his friends and would tell me that he is not in the mood to chat or call. I understand that always chatting with me can be boring and life doesn't revolve only with our relationship. I keep on understanding and adjusting, even find time for him even balancing my wicked sched in college for him. But he doesn't do the same. It hurts to know that he doesn't give me the same effort as I do.
There was one occurrence that really broke me, he chatted me while they were drinking with his friends that he is not sure that our relationship will work. He told me that since his love language was physical touch, it would not really work. I reasoned with him as best as I could that I would do my best to keep it together. At that time, I was also stupid. I fought with someone who was in the influence of alcohol. He just made me so angry that he can easily give up. I asked him whether he want to end this, in that same night. He said yes but also said no.
I told him to reply to me tomorrow when he is already sober. Tomorrow afternoon, he changed but I knew that change was only temporary. He avoids my questions on open communication on where I wanna hear his side. He updated me that he is busy in an event. Later that day, he and his friends were drinking again. I told him before they even started to spend time with me today so that we can open up. He said no, he will spend time with his friends. I jokingly told him that, "Okay, you enjoy their company better than with me". He freaking reacted with a heart on that said message. I am an anxiety filled person and an overthinker. I keep on thinking about different scenarios and such.
I wrote a long note about my thoughts so that I can sleep, since I still have school early. It was 3AM already at that time. I kept on asking him whether he really wants to end our relationship. He said yes and due to grief I told him all about the hurt and signs I noticed about him. And told me that everything was his fault. We ended that conversation with goodbyes.
But I did not sleep on that night. Tommorow afternoon, I felt extreme anxiety where I want to break down. I messaged him again, that I wanna start over and I was sorry for being dramatic. He said okay to it and that day started okay. But the day after, he doesn't reply anymore. His last message that replied to one of my messages where I asked him why he is not so responsive anymore was that "He thinks that it is much better to love himself first and that is why he is behaving this way". He also replied that he doesn't reply that much anymore because he is tired of explaining his side which he cant really explain.
He really didn't tell me his side until now. I know how I reacted left our relationship like this. I chatted him and told him to Heal first and I am always right here if he needs me. Once in a while, I chat him up and ask him how is he. But he doesn't really reply. Maybe it's because of how I structure my sentences? I really don't know. I was stupid. I am very insecure and scared on whether he already has someone else. He keeps on posting that he misses their kisses (without including the name) and posts stuff about relationships. I don't know if I am the one he means or he has another girl over there. It just hurts so bad that I feel this way. It was really the shortest and fastest relationship where I fell head over heels. I still love him and always try to communicate with him through chats and even post stuff like "please reply" and stuff like that. I am an a**h*le and full of red flags but for me if he re assured me maybe I would react differently. But I know everything happened because of me. I don't deserve him.
What are your thoughts about this? Let me hear them, I am really confused on what to do. Am I doing the right thing by messaging him stuff like "Good morning and have a great day onwards"?

I (28f) hooked up with a guy that I’ve been talking to for a while. The sex was honestly mediocre at best but not the worst.
However, when I tried to sleep he kept trying to talk! Or he wants to cuddle, wanted to touch me, and just UGH. I told him I needed to go home and feed my dogs just to get away from him. We hooked up around 2 am and I left around 7:30 am.
I swear this guy did not sleep at all. He kept grabbing me to lay on his chest which for some reason was so u comfortable. I just wanted to snuggle with the pillow and pass out but no. He kept caressing my arm, my side, and running his hands through my hair.
Then he wanted to start talking with me about work. Sir, it’s 4 am and I’m EXHAUSTED. I finally just pretended to fall asleep at which point he turned the TV on??
I vibed with him so hard and then to have mediocre sex and the worst after sex I’ve ever had…blegh.
I used to consider myself the queen of casual sex until this, now I kind of want to avoid it from now on.
TLDR; let your hookup partner sleep plz

This is going to be a weird one.
So, I felt more masculine from my mid to late teenage years (there was a lot going on and it was largely a blur) and when I was in my mid-twenties and living in California, I was finally able to start transitioning, which I felt amazing about. I felt incredible wearing a binder and masculine clothes, whenever I got called 'man' or 'dude' or 'sir' (even if I tend to call EVERYONE dude) it felt great. I changed my name, ended up being able to get top surgery because I had the gene that made breast cancer pretty much guaranteed so they were able to get me in without the MASSIVE wait time (though there was still a lot of red tape to get through), and I was on hormones. I was on top of the world!
But...things didn't change. My muscles didn't develop more (and I do a lot of physical labor in my job so it wasn't like I wasn't exercising), my shape didn't become more masculine, my voice only dropped enough to sound alien to me, not enough to sound masculine - my facial structure didn't change at all. The only changes that happened were...I got fuzzier. That was it. Body hair. Body hair I didn't want but accepted as a consequence of anything I DID want.
We tried pushing the dosage as high as we safely could. We tried different methods of getting it into my system. We tried so, so many things, for years - but, as I found out when I made an attempt on my life only for the medication I used - over ten times the lethal amount for most people- to do basically nothing - my body simply doesn't absorb things the way most people's do. I have to be on a lot of supplements because my body doesn't absorb nutrition from food the way it should (though it seems to absorb fat just fine), any medications I take have to have a higher dosage to have effect, and when being put under for the surgeries I underwent (just top surgery and a uterine ablation for an unrelated medical issue), they had to use more on me than usual for someone my weight to keep me under and when I woke up I was fully lucid, no loopy confused state at all. My body just doesn't absorb anything it doesn't want to, and that included the hormones. They simply couldn't put me on enough to make the changes I was looking for, even after years of being on them.
I tried to do the 'well I'm still a guy even if I don't remotely look like one' thing, but it didn't work for me...especially living in a very conservative area, despite being in Cali, and it just felt wrong for me. I tried nonbinary, and similarly...it just felt WRONG for me. So...I essentially gave up. I started wearing silicone breast forms, shaving, got an at home laser thingy for the beard line that I'm still working on (my hair is stubborn and doesn't want to go away) and the body hair, changed my name back and basically have just gone back to being feminine entirely and using she/her pronouns. And...the strange thing is?
I'm comfortable with it now, in a way I never was before I tried to transition. I love dresses, I love feminine clothes and dressing fancy, as rarely as I get to do that. I know that clothing and all has nothing to do with gender, but it just...clicked with me in a way it didn't before. I feel a lot more at home when I look very feminine now than I did before I attempted transitioning. I think I look fucking adorable in lipstick and a red beret`. I would love to get dolled up in a full-on ball gown.
Part of me is just glad that I don't hate myself every time I look in the mirror and see a woman (though I still get frustrated at the hair), but part of me also feels incredibly guilty. Some friends of mine have a son that has been getting bigtime into right-winger stuff, and I know for a fact he has used me as an example of 'trans brainwashing' and saying that I ruined my body because I was tricked into thinking I'm trans, which I have corrected him on as harshly as I can, but he's still convinced I was tricked. I also have two trans coworkers, and I'm a bit afraid that if they know I just gave up on it, they will feel like they can't trust me the same way they have up to this point because I'm not one of them anymore. I feel like some people will see it as a betrayal, or that I'm tricking myself into thinking I'm okay with being a woman, that I'm too weak to accept being nonbinary or non-passing and having to argue with people over my pronouns constantly.
I feel like a big part of trans acceptance needs to take into account people who detransition too - a lot of people would probably feel safer experimenting with gender and finding out what they're comfortable with if they knew it would be okay for them to try it, find out it didn't work, and go back to what they were comfortable with.
I still sometimes wonder if I should've kept trying, or stuck with the nonbinary route, or being a man even if it was something I had to correct people on ALL THE TIME and didn't quite feel was true for myself...but sometimes I try on a really cute dress when I've bothered to do my makeup and look at the dressing room mirror and I can't help but think "Yes. This is right. This is me."
I'm not sure if I regret trying to transition at all or not. I do wish that my voice wasn't different, and that I didn't have the body and facial hair I'm still struggling with constantly, and I wasn't going to have to deal with trying to get reconstructive surgery for my chest - but at the same time, I didn't feel as comfortable being feminine before I tried to transition. I didn't start truly feeling at home as a woman until I tried something else.
I don't know where I was going with this or if I really had a point...more just sharing.

I’ve never had friends, my whole life I’ve been alone since I moved away from my city and left my only friend, this happened when I was 5. Now I’m 18 and I’ve never been able to make another friend, my mom said it’s because I’m too clever, but that’s just bullshit. I’m not an interesting person, i’m boring, ugly and annoying. This year I’ve been trying to socialise more and make some friends, I thought I did it when the other day I heard one of them calling me “friend”. But I think he just said that because he didn’t know how to identify me otherwise, they never call me, text me, ask me to hang out. They just talk to me when they need something… what am I even doing at this point? Should I just give up and forget about them? I don’t wanna be alone anymore. Today it’s the last day of school, I don’t know when I will see them again, or talk to them. Im gonna be alone all summer and maybe see them by September if I pass the year. Before anyone says I should ask them to hang out first, I did, many times, but they always declined… I don’t know what to do anymore…

Sorry for the title but had a long and annoying 16hr shift.
It’s a problem i keep seeing from facility to facility. Especially of registry Rns. Don’t get me wrong lvns and cnas get flak too…
Today was in a SNF had 60 patients…. 300 bed facility. There were three RNs. I’m registry so it’s my first day here meeting all these patients…I can’t complain about hard shifts… you get cakewalks sometimes others are something like Russian roulette.
I’m passing meds and the RN is just chilling in her phone watching YouTube instagram whatever. She did 0 rounds all 16 hours. I had

• 3 falls -2 admissions -1 desaturating patient
• two psych patient getting into a fight -12 Medicare charting, 8 COCs, 4 weeklies.
• patients running out of narcotics and other meds because the regulars hadn’t refilled. Screaming at me because they were out.
• Cnas trying to tell me what to do because they’ve known the patient for however many years. Just ignore the orders in the screen.

And the RN helped with not a Dmn thing. - didn’t cover breaks -didn’t help with charting - didn’t call doctors or families or pharmacy. - didn’t assess patients after falls or fights - didn’t call 911 or stabilize anyone - didn’t reorder any meds - didn’t take any vitals or help with med pass - didn’t touch the admissions. - told the lvns to manage the phones. - didn’t speak to the cnas
Got mad when we asked for help saying “ oh my god I’m busy” or “ I’ll help you guys if I have a chance but I’m really helping you guys out”
I asked the staff and they were saying RNs here only did IVs and supervise. She had no Ivs that double.
Later I was chatting and asked how much she was paid….. $75 she showed me in app. And said she wouldn’t take less “ they’d better pay me what I’m worth”.
All day long she was on her phone or writing “orders” on a piece of paper and sticking them to the lvns computers….. don’t forget the admissions, your patient fell,pharmacy called, patient needs changing or help
This isn’t isolated. Many of the rns I meet are new grads who are “managing” lvs with decades of experience. And they don’t do anything. When state shows up or a patient codes they disappear.
Or the other popular one is they have a full time at some hospital….keck, usc, Kaiser, etc. they pick up these shifts for extra money. But are tired and resent having to do any work
Now I’ve seen only 2 good rns in my entire 2 years of experience. Not long sure but it’s created a picture. They came in did rounds asked who needed help, helped with charting, talked to patients, handled calls, and helped in emergencies. But that is super rare.
I wish if rns were coming to work at a Snf they would do so without so much disdain. That they actually had experience and led instead of being utterly useless. It’s leads to a perception that may or may not be true

soooooo....bored and playing with chat gpt. oh god....its so bad and yet....I want to keep going.
Chapter 1: Wings of Doubt
​
The swirling mists of the Warp slowly receded as Ciaphas Cain, Commissar of the Imperium, opened his eyes. The last thing he remembered was the deafening explosion aboard the Chaos battleship that had threatened to consume him. But instead of being cast into the embrace of oblivion, he found himself in a vast chamber of ethereal light.
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Gone were his worn-out uniform and battered laspistol. Instead, he wore ornate golden armor that radiated a divine aura, its intricate details embellished with celestial motifs. He could feel the weight of a pair of immense wings on his back, their feathers shimmering with an otherworldly glow. As he surveyed his surroundings, Ciaphas realized he stood in the presence of a magnificent being—a massive figure seated upon a golden throne.
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Ciaphas's breath caught in his throat as he gazed upon the enigmatic figure. Though the being was silent, an overwhelming sense of power and purpose emanated from it. He knelt instinctively, overwhelmed by the palpable force that seemed to fill the chamber.
​
A surge of emotions enveloped Ciaphas, an intangible connection that conveyed a mixture of approval, guidance, and unspoken purpose. But as his eyes met the celestial figure's, doubts and fear surged within him. The familiar voice of self-doubt whispered in his mind, reminding him of his true nature—a coward masquerading as a hero.
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"How did I end up here?" Ciaphas thought, his mind racing with apprehension. "I've spent my entire career avoiding danger, always seeking the easiest way out. How can I, a false hero, possibly fulfill this monumental task?"
​
His inner monologue waged a relentless battle against the call to rise and accept his new destiny. He feared exposure, the revelation that his cowardice would be laid bare before the Imperium and the God-Emperor himself. The weight of the golden armor and the majesty of the wings felt like burdens upon his shoulders, symbols of a responsibility he doubted he could shoulder.
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He questioned his worthiness, his ability to inspire others when his own heart trembled with fear. How could he rally the weak when he doubted his own strength? How could he strike fear into the hearts of enemies when he himself was a victim of his own fears?
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Ciaphas's doubts multiplied, threatening to engulf him in a sea of anxiety. But even as the tumultuous thoughts churned within him, he couldn't deny the flickering ember of duty that remained. The image of those suffering under the weight of darkness, yearning for a glimmer of hope, pulled at his soul.
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In the depths of his inner turmoil, he realized that perhaps his flaws were precisely what made him suitable for this mission. Perhaps it was his own experiences with fear and self-preservation that allowed him to understand the struggles of others. The false hero had survived countless battles, not through unwavering courage, but through cunning and calculated retreats. And maybe, just maybe, those experiences could ignite a spark of resilience within those who had lost hope.
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With a deep breath, Ciaphas steeled himself against the doubts that threatened to paralyze him. He had always been a master of deception, skilled at projecting an image of bravery in the face of danger. If he could deceive countless soldiers and citizens, he could deceive even himself.
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Embracing the unknown future, he rose from his kneeling position. The weight of the golden armor and the unfurled wings served as constant reminders of his role as the angel of the Imperium. But beneath the majestic facade, the doubts and fears still lingered, refusing to be silenced.
​
As he took the first steps towards fulfilling his new purpose, his inner monologue persisted, whispering tales of his true nature and the impending exposure of his cowardice. But Ciaphas chose to confront those doubts head-on, accepting them as a part of himself.
​
In the face of danger and uncertainty, he would strive to inspire others. He would wage a secret battle within, determined to overcome his own fears while shielding them from the eyes of those who looked to him for guidance. The false hero, now an angel of the Imperium, would navigate the treacherous path before him, forever haunted by the possibility of being unmasked.
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And in doing so, he would forge a new legacy—one that transcended his own limitations and ignited hope in the hearts of those who needed it most.
Chapter 2: The Lurking Shadows
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As Ciaphas Cain contemplated his newfound role as the angel of the Imperium, a familiar figure emerged from the ethereal light. It was Jurgen, his loyal aide, still alive and steadfast by his side. Clad in his ragged uniform, melta-gun in hand, Jurgen's presence offered a glimmer of familiarity amidst the overwhelming uncertainties that surrounded them.
​
"Jurgen!" Ciaphas exclaimed, a mixture of relief and surprise flooding his features. "I thought I had lost you."
​
Jurgen offered a lopsided grin, his eyes twinkling with the mirth of an old friend. "Thought you could get rid of me that easily, sir? Not a chance."
​
Ciaphas couldn't help but feel a surge of gratitude for Jurgen's unwavering loyalty. Despite the chaos and mysticism of their current situation, Jurgen's grounded presence provided a semblance of normalcy.
​
"We have a mission, Jurgen," Ciaphas began, his voice laden with determination. "We are to journey into the Eye of Terror, the heart of darkness itself, to face the treacherous Fulgrim, the first heretic. It will be a battle like no other, filled with unimaginable peril and ancient evils."
​
Jurgen's grin widened, revealing a glint of excitement. "Sounds like a right proper adventure, sir. Count me in."
​
Together, Ciaphas and Jurgen ventured into the inky abyss that lay before them, the Eye of Terror swallowing them whole. They traversed through a twisted realm of shifting shadows and malevolent energies, their every step fraught with uncertainty. The air crackled with an otherworldly malevolence, and the darkness seemed to whisper secrets that threatened to drive them mad.
​
As they pressed forward, guided by a sense of purpose and the distant echoes of Fulgrim's presence, the fabric of reality distorted around them. Eldritch abominations, spawned from the darkest recesses of the Warp, clawed at their sanity, testing their resolve. But Jurgen's melta-gun blazed with righteous fury, disintegrating the monstrosities that dared stand in their way.
​
Time lost all meaning as they delved deeper into the heart of the chaotic realm. Each encounter with the denizens of the Warp pushed them to their limits, the struggle between the divine presence within Ciaphas and the lingering doubts within his soul growing more intense with each passing moment. But Jurgen's unyielding faith in his commander acted as an anchor, grounding Ciaphas amidst the storm of uncertainty.
​
Finally, they reached the inner sanctum of Fulgrim's lair—a chamber shrouded in a sickly haze, where the air reeked of corruption and depravity. The fallen Primarch, once a paragon of martial prowess, now stood before them, his features twisted and distorted by the foul taint of Chaos. His eyes gleamed with malicious glee as he regarded the unlikely duo that dared challenge him.
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"Fulgrim," Ciaphas declared, his voice steady despite the tremors of doubt that threatened to consume him. "Your heresy ends here."
​
Fulgrim's laughter echoed through the chamber, a cacophony of derision and mockery. "Ah, the false hero and his loyal lackey. How quaint. Do you truly believe you can stand against me?"
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The room seemed to tilt, reality warping under the weight of Fulgrim's corrupted presence. But Ciaphas, bolstered by Jurgen's unflinching support, pressed on. He drew upon the divine power that coursed through his veins, unleashing a righteous fury against the fallen Primarch.
​
A battle of mythic proportions erupted, with Ciaphas and Fulgrim clashing in a dance of blades and raw power. The chamber crackled with energy as their weapons met, each strike shaking the very foundations of the Warp. Shadows writhed and twisted, merging with the chaos of the battlefield as ancient curses and whispered incantations swirled through the air.
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Through it all, Jurgen stood by Ciaphas's side, his melta-gun blazing with righteous fire. His presence acted as a shield against the horrors that sought to unravel their resolve. The mystic energies that danced around them seemed to respond to Jurgen's unwavering faith, adding an element of divine protection to their cause.
​
The battle raged on, the clash of wills and steel reverberating through the abyss. Though doubts gnawed at Ciaphas's core, threatening to undermine his every move, he pressed forward, drawing strength from the unyielding support of his loyal aide.
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In the end, it was a combination of Ciaphas's newfound celestial powers, Jurgen's steadfastness, and a touch of cunning that led to Fulgrim's defeat. The fallen Primarch crumbled before them, consumed by the forces he had once embraced.
​
As the echoes of the battle subsided, Ciaphas couldn't help but feel a mixture of relief and lingering doubts. He had emerged victorious, fulfilling his divine mission, yet the shadows of his own insecurities continued to haunt him. He wondered if his true nature—a coward masquerading as a hero—would ever be laid bare.
​
But for now, he stood as the angel of the Imperium, a symbol of hope and resilience against the encroaching darkness. With Jurgen by his side, they would continue their journey, facing new trials and horrors, and perhaps one day finding the redemption they both sought amidst the labyrinthine realms of the Warp.
Chapter 3: The Illusion Unveiled
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In the aftermath of their supposed victory over Fulgrim, a disquieting truth began to unravel around Ciaphas Cain and Jurgen. What they had believed to be their noble quest to defeat the heretic Primarch was, in fact, a cruel deception—a fabrication meticulously crafted by an ancient Necron Lord who held them captive within a sprawling tomb world.
​
As the haze of the simulated battle dissolved, the illusions that had surrounded them fell away, revealing the cold, metallic walls of their prison. Ciaphas and Jurgen found themselves confined within eerie, cocoon-like structures—creches designed to keep them in stasis while their minds were immersed in the nefarious virtual realm created by their captor.
​
Grim realization settled over them, intertwining with the lingering doubts that had plagued Ciaphas throughout their journey. The false hero had unwittingly played into the hands of a being far more sinister than Fulgrim himself. The very essence of their triumph had been a charade—a cruel manipulation of their hopes and desires.
​
But as their eyes adjusted to the harsh lighting of their prison, a hollow voice echoed through the chamber. It emanated from an unseen source, the ancient Necron Lord who had orchestrated their torment.
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"Welcome, false heroes, to the heart of my domain," the voice reverberated, laced with a sinister undertone. "You have served your purpose well, unknowing puppets in my grand scheme."
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Ciaphas's heart sank, the weight of his own inadequacies amplified by the cruel machinations of their captor. How had he been so blind? How had he allowed himself to be manipulated into playing the part of a hero when he had always been a reluctant coward?
​
The voice continued, its tone dripping with ancient malice. "You see, I sought to exploit your greatest weaknesses—the doubts that gnawed at your very souls. The false hero, plagued by self-doubt, and his loyal aide, burdened with unwavering faith. Such contradictions make for a tantalizing tapestry of despair."
​
Ciaphas and Jurgen exchanged somber glances, their spirits crushed by the revelation. Their struggles, their victories, all nothing more than a meticulously crafted illusion. The Necron Lord had seized upon their insecurities, manipulating their hopes and fears to further his own twisted agenda.
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"And now, as the final act of my grand performance," the voice hissed, its words echoing within the chamber, "I shall leave you with the knowledge of your own futility. You are trapped within the confines of my tomb world, destined to live out your days in this simulated prison, forever ensnared by your own self-doubt."
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The room fell into an eerie silence, save for the distant hum of machinery. Ciaphas's mind raced, desperately searching for a way to escape this nightmarish predicament. But the realization of their captivity weighed heavily upon him—every option seemed futile, every glimmer of hope a mere illusion.
​
In a final act of cruel mockery, the Necron Lord delivered a monologue to an empty room, its words directed at no one but the heroes ensnared within the simulation creches. His voice dripped with malevolence, a symphony of disdain for the beings he held captive.
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"Know this, false heroes, you shall forever dwell in the shadows of your own failures. Your cowardice and unwavering faith, forever etched upon the annals of this tomb world," the voice intoned, relishing in their despair. "And as for me, I shall bask in the triumph of your defeat, reveling in the knowledge that even the falsest of heroes can be broken."
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With those chilling words, the voice of the Necron Lord faded into nothingness, leaving Ciaphas and Jurgen alone in their simulated prison, adrift in a sea of despair. The weight of their captivity pressed upon them, their hopes shattered, their struggles rendered meaningless.
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But amidst the darkness, a flicker of defiance stirred within Ciaphas's heart. A whisper of resilience urged him to confront his fears, to defy the fate that had been thrust upon them. The false hero, still burdened by doubt, resolved to forge a new path—one that would defy the expectations of the Necron Lord and reclaim their stolen destinies.
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With Jurgen by his side, Ciaphas steeled himself for the arduous journey ahead. They would defy the odds, fight against the despair that threatened to consume them, and seek a way to escape the clutches of the ancient Necron Lord.
​
For even in the depths of their darkest hour, the spirit of heroism refused to be extinguished.

Did the math today on BetaRayBill, the new TCP leader, and then started to look at how far away the top 1% of this game is from the rest of the playerbase. Beta has 81M power, and naturally all 241 characters unlocked; that averages to each toon (even hand minions) at approximately 336K power 😳. Now of course I would understand that those toons likely aren’t leveled at all and many more important toons are sitting at/above 400k. It’s just insane the difference between the number one slot and number 100 on the leaderboard. It’s a difference of approx 26M TCP. These ppl are spending SO much money to stay in that “meta”. What ‘bragging rights’ does it actually give? Not a s***post, just really put it in perspective for me. I doubt it truly matters if anyone goes on a “spending strike” as I anticipate these Mythological Sea Creatures earning 70-90% of the games revenue.

I went for an info pass appointment today! 6/6/2023 took all my approval notices as well as my receipt notices. When the officer looked at my stuff, he said it’s been 3 years and you haven’t received your greencard.. I said no, last notice I got was 2020 to do biometrics.. he looks into the system and noticed that i was scheduled for an interview 2021.. I didn’t receive a notice nor did my lawyer.. I said my application has being going from review, to pending adjudication, to been quede again for an interview back to been reviewed.. he said that is not right and something don’t add up.. he looks at the officer who has my file and that officer has had my file on his desk for 3 years and kept updating the system to it’s been “reviewed” he prints out a 2 page list of where my application has been and it’s located to a certain officer ( who seems to been a issue) the way the officer spoken to me about this agent made it seem like he does this or it’s happened before. He said I should have gotten approved in 2021. So they also said my file is not suppose to be in Vermount it’s suppose to be in LA.. that’s where the problem is.. they said they reached out to the officer and his manager to find out why has it been at his office for 3 years been reviewed. So guys if your waiting this long with no answers. Please get an info pass appointment bc they can tell you more than a service request or when you call. It’s not right what these officers are doing. But he said they will be in touch and that I should receive something in the mail. He didn’t say what.. hoping it’s a greencard. But prays are up and I’m never giving up.

So, I'm feeling an itch to try and do another crossover, this time with Frostpunk of all things. Thus, I am gonna try it. However I must state some thing. In this universe, as the date Frostpunk is set in. Or at least, The scenario "A new home" is happening in. Is somewhere during 1886 to 87. And the invention of the Nukes are during 1933. So for all intents and purposes, The Federation never stumbled upon humanity. At least, in a way they stumble upon them so much earlier than they should. This way, the feds never had a reason to exterminate the species in the first place. They didn't know they existed.
In terms of things regarding the Laws of New London. In this story, both Order and Faith are mixed together. The laws leading to Faith Keepers and The Temple are signed as well as the laws leading to Patrols and Foremen. As for Adaptation laws. Child Labor, Extended Shift, Soup, Extra rations for the Ill, Prosthetics, Ceremonial funerals, Public house. Nearly everything is researched.

For the purpose of the City, they haven't crossed the Line yet. But as any who played the game knows. The other side of the Line is so tempting. So very, very tempting.

Memory Transcript: Felix Hawthorn - Captain, leader of the last City
Date: [standardized human time]: Day 47
I can no longer see the lights out there. The Little fires and candles that lit up the city. The houses are all but covered in ice. The automatons are barely managing to work through the frigid winds. I turn to check the thermometer, even in my office. Built at the base of the Generator. The winds could reach me through the cracks in the walls. I blinked the ice out of my eyes as my vision locks with the thermometer. "Negative... 150 degrees..." I croaked out. Speaking aloud as I slowly turned to face the cloak on the wall.
To my bewilderment, and amazement. It was still turning away. Even when frost threatened to break it. Just a few more hours... just a few more...
I weakly lifted my arm, If I survive. It'll need amputating. I couldn't even feel the burning cold that was coating its' senses yesterday.
No guardsmen, Faith Keeper, or anyone has came to alert me to anything new... The infirmaries were the only buildings with enough warmth for people to at the very least. Feel chilly... Heh... "Should probably go to one..." I shiver at I felt Jack Frost threaten to tear my insides apart, speaking my thoughts won't help much... thinking things out will keep me focused...
I can't go to a Infirmary. We have no space for a new one to be built, nor do we have enough space for everyone... Thus, here I sit. In my chair. Watching the frost grow on my windows... I pray to myself, that whoever plunged us in this Frozen Hell. Would have mercy on the children and the elderly
As the glass in my window gets overgrown in ice and snow, I slowly close my eyes. And lay back. If this is the end of the human race as we know it... I rather sleep through it than see the results. I already wrote down notes so whomever finds me, will know what to do.
Sleep takes me, the frost won't win that battle at least. In the realms of Dreams. I'm sitting under the warm sun, my daughter and son playing in the grass not too far from me. My wife and I play a game, pointing out the different shapes the clouds made in the sky...
​
There is a pirate ship... a bird... that's a whale... "No, silly. That's a dolphin!" she'd laugh, I would respond with a chortle and a "Well, when you're right, you're right."
Such warmth... It's not even that warm in actuality, it is as average a day as any other... but I feel so... warm.
---------
Memory Transcript: Jannim, Junior Venlil explorer
Date: [standardized human time]: Day 47
I shivered as the ship struggles to handle the temperature of this planet. Of course, sometimes a explorer will never come back. Be it through running into Predators, a error in the systems. Or just bad luck. But I never thought it would happen to me.
I boot up the terminal, thankful it still worked at least. "Explorer Log 21. Jannim. Horkle, our exterminator. Succumbed to the wounds he sustained during the crash. Day 7 after the crash, our pilot, Thalk and captain Fonn still haven't came in from checking on the damages the ship sustained when the storm hit us. Should've left when we noticed it but no... we just had to be heroes to a race we don't even know how to find." I panted as I glanced to the ships' walls. Thanks to the ship I'm alive, but how long will the power last? If Fonn and Thalk were still alive out there... I took a deep breath and continue the log "The captain and pilot left the ship sometime yesterday, to check on external damages and on the engines.-" A growl from the predator-like winds stole my attention away.
You survived a Arxur raid, and this is how you go out? Fearing for your life because of alien nature?
Yes, I was...
​
I take a bite out of my emergency rations, the blandness of it was much better than the chill in the air. "-I-if anyone finds this, leave this planet. Don't go looking for the natives, LEAVE. Before the scans broke down, it appears the planet is gonna undergo various storms similar to the one I am in. Leave at once and mark the planet down as a Deathtrap." I managed to keep myself from stuttering as I continued the message "The planet itself seems predatory, if this is anything to go by. I believe the natives of this planet will have succumbed to the frost during this storm. If not this one, then the next one. Or the one after that. However long it takes. Nothing should be able to survive such harsh winds in this temperature."
I stop myself, taking a few deep breaths, then another bite of my ration. "... If you're stationed near Venlil Prime. Please, find Pallhen. He's my father... tell him... I love him, and that I'm with Mother now." I choke past a tear as I looked to the systems. "Looks like the lights are about to fail, if the controls are anything to go by. Even if the pilot and captain return. We won't be able to even launch... Final log of Junior Explorer Jannim. Protector watch over us." I sighed before ending the Log. Left in silence, I listened to the predatory-storm beat on the ship. And watch Horkles' corpse lay on the medical table of our ship.
Silently counting the emergency rations, and what regular rations we have left. I would last around a week. Perhaps longer if I space my meals out... I think I'll just keep my meals as is, having to do with spacing meals out will just raise my hopes... Can't really have that if this storm lasts much longer.
I resumed eating my ration as I try to guess what the natives were like before this planet became a great, big, Temperature Predator. ------------------------------------------------ Memory Transcript: Felix Hawthorn - Captain, leader of the last City
Date: [standardized human time]: Day 48
"Captain!" A harsh voice awakens me, I use my one good arm to push the Faith Keepers' hands off me. He was apparently shaking me awake. "I'm up, I'm up!" I cried out as I sighed. I could see the relief worm its way onto Brother Collins' face. "Captain. We made it" he exclaimed as a mix of relief and pure joy radiates from his face to his voice. I grumbled in tired bewilderment as I turned to look at the thermometer.
"The storm has passed!" Collin cheered as I mentally froze at the sight on the Thermometer on the wall. -20 degrees Celsius... "Brother Collin! don't just stand there!" I cried out as I stand up with as much my renewed vigor would allow me. Causing the Faith-keeper to freeze in place. "Get out there, and tell the Guards to check the people, check them yourself it you have to. I need information on how our population handled this storm before we move forward!" I shout my orders at Collin, before grabbing my scarf off my neck. The ice still hasn't thawed off my scarf but... I fashion it into a sling for my arm "I'll be here after I have my arm amputated. Can't die now after all we went through." I allow a slight snicker escape my lips as I walk out the doors of my office and marched to the nearest infirmary. I could hear Collin run out of the office shortly after me and went off to find the guards, check families. Maybe both.
To my relief, the infirmary I first arrived at had a place open for me. Due to overcrowding, I was given a seat on the floor. And now... here I wait, listening to the doctors and nurses comfort and calm the ill and wounded. A few shot nasty glares at me... I'd like to see them try and prepare the city for a storm like that. I think I did pretty well... ---A few hours later.--- "So... we're at 307 able bodies, a hundred dead. Five missing. And finally, 246 amputees" I stated to the Head guardsmen, Matthew Williams. And there beside him stood high Priest Jenkins Anderson. "Moral will go up of course, everyone who survived the storm will feel nothing but joy for a while. But now we have to deal with reverting the city to what it was before the storm." I point to Matthew with my newly attached arm, the claw couldn't point fingers but it works when I need to grab something. I shift to point at Anderson as this was for them both to do. "Spread word that we are sending hunters back out and are putting the hothouses back up. I want scouts looking through the wilderness for anything they can find out there. We're not out of the storm yet" I declared as I brought my prosthetic back down. "Take stock of what rations we currently have, and spread them out as much as you can to the population. Send word to the Factory to start churning out Prosthetics... And when you have the scouts ready, inform me." Mister Williams saluted me before leaving the office, while Anderson stays there, watching me... "Did... the two come back?" I asked him, the silent shake of his head told me everything... "We don't have the bodies... find out the name of that father and his daughter, then make a pair of graves for them." Anderson nods and with a respectful bow, stepped out the door.
Finally left to my thoughts, I sat back in my chair. Staring at my desk. So many lives lost... I did what I could, but should I have done better? I could have done better... they are all dead because of me, how many of them were parents?... how many children?
I sat in silence as I start a prayer to the dead. Praying they forgive me for failing them. Praying again that they pass on to a place better than where we are. And finally, Praying that someone up there actually is listening...
Once my prayers were done, I looked to the reports brother Collin had placed on my desk during my time in the Infirmary. Apparently something had crashed during the start of the great storm. There was something flying out there... Going by the calculations the engineers did under Collins' request. The crash is relatively close by... a three day travel on foot, two via riding one of the automatons through the days and night.
I stand from my desk and walk out the door, Paying some mind to a picture of my wife on my way out. I had to be one of the scouts. For this at the very least... if there is some hope there is a survivor out there, if the father and his daughter is there... I have to be certain... we have enough automatons and able bodies to use the coal mines and coal thumpers. And after the storm, I do not believe we required the other laws. I'll leave the high priest in charge until my return. Matthews is a good man but... Anderson is the more compassionate of the two. He'll keep up the moral while I'm away.
​
-------
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This wasn't a lot, but hey. Hope you liked the introduction. If anyone has any questions regarding New London in the story, please feel free to ask. If anyone has anything to just say, feel free to share your thoughts.

The Old Ways can rub some people wrong — especially those coming into the supernatural world fresh from this modern era of excess, privilege, and internet anonymity. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen societal changes and cultural shifts in every direction you could plot an axis for; live for nearly 3500 years as I have, and you too will come to understand that Change is the one and only constant in this world. But what our more, shall I say, exuberant (indignant, entitled, take your pick) newcomers tend to misunderstand is that Old Ways — and those of us who uphold them — don’t stand in opposition to change; we’ve just already seen all their ‘new’ ideas brought forward before, been accepted, gone stale, and get discarded for the next.
The Old Ways aren’t rules, they’re just how you come to behave once you’ve lived through a few revolutions of the cycle. They’re also not written or codified in any way, but if I had to articulate the particular tenet that seems most abhorrent to our most recent newcomers, it would be this: Respect is owed to your elders, because they’ve already damn-well earned it in the past.
The recent upheaval in the supernatural underworld wasn’t particularly upsetting, or even that surprising: some newly-minted vamp shaking things up, gathering a following, killing off a few of the established vampire lords. I don’t overlap much with the neck-biter scene, so it wasn’t very concerning to me. But as ill-luck would have it, he kept growing more famous, and thus harder to avoid hearing about.
He was turned fairly late for a vampire, in his 40s, having already led a deeply troubling life steeped in conspiracy theory, hoax, and rabbit holes into the occult. So rather than take the traditional path toward amassing strength for a vamp — which is basically just to feed regularly and get older — he instead continued his dive into the occult. To his credit, this did score him the power he needed to oppose (and depose) many of the vampire lords of London; to his detriment, it also placed him rather firmly on a collision course with me.
I’d put a handful of wards and contingencies in place out of habit, but I wasn’t particularly concerned. Vampires are about as dangerous to me as… eh… now that I think of it, I don’t have a great analogy on hand for this. There isn’t much that’s truly all that dangerous to me at all, anymore — about as dangerous as a mosquito, I guess? In that I’d be annoyed if one bit me?
Still, he did manage to surprise me, if only because I never thought he’d be stupid enough to come for me there, in the Tavern. But like I said: in this storied community, the impetuous youth flaunt or ignore the Old Ways at their own peril. And it had started as such a nice, quiet night, with me seated at my usual booth in its dimly lit, secluded corner of the restaurant.
“Here you are, darling, you just let me know if you need anything else, okay?”
The head server of the Tavern is a lovely woman, seemingly 30 to 40 years of age, who despite the many years she’s spent in England, still speaks with an accent from the American south. Her ethnic heritage is clearly from a region further south-west in Africa than my own.
“Of course, thank you Catherine,” I replied as she placed an impeccably plated salad on the table before me. It was one of my favorites at the Tavern, a delightful little number with tender bamboo shoots, and some kind of sweet and spicy mustard vinaigrette. Catherine smiled and whisked off toward another table. I folded a piece of baby spinach over an arugula leaf and pinned them to a bamboo shoot with my fork, and had just lifted them to my lips when the doors to the Tavern slammed open into the walls of the entryway. The small, decorative windows in the doors shattered on impact, showering the hostess’ podium with shards of glass.
Most groups of vampires want to be called ‘covens.’ Some of the weirder, extra culty groups prefer the term ‘hive.’ Judging by the collection of washed out, middle-aged vampire bros who sauntered in through the broken doors, I can only assume this group called themselves something extra stupid, like ‘the posse.’
He was immediately evident. His four goons looked like your average jocks who’d had neither the skill to go pro, nor the sense to plan for anything else in life, and had spent their subsequent years in disappointment of themselves and others.
“Barkeep! A round of your finest libations for the entourage of…” the fucker actually paused, as though for dramatic effect, “the Dread Prince Lestat!”
An audible groan of disgust rose from a table of Lesser Devils in the next alcove down from mine. Abyssal-speech is difficult to decipher even when there isn’t a group of demons all talking over one another, but I did manage to make out from one of them, a trickster muse by the name of Mamenoche, just before he dissolved into a cloud of flies and dispersed. The remaining devils grumbled in disappointment, but still turned with eager smiles to watch the drama unfold.
The keeper of the tavern, for his part, simply raised an eyebrow while he wiped down a freshly washed stein with a drying rag. He nodded to an empty table. “Take a seat, we’ll be right with you,” he said, and then turned away to shelve the clean glass.
The keeper is a slight man, of average height, perhaps in his early to mid 50s. He wears the same costume every day: dark brown slacks and a burgundy tweed vest over a crisp white shirt with the sleeves rolled back to his elbows. His voice is rich and resonant, and though soft-spoken, he is never difficult to hear. Beyond that, I can only say that the tavern keeper looks exactly as you think he would, and do understand that I mean that literally. His features, his hair, the color of his skin: they all exist only in the eyes of the beholder. It’s part of the Glamour.
The four underlings slid chairs out from the table and plopped down with what some of my younger students have recently informed me is known as the ‘Riker maneuver.’ Lestat remained standing and circled the table while he addressed the patrons.
“Well, well, well. So this is the storied Tavern. Drinking hole for the Greats of the underworld, the movers and shakers, the true titans of the occult.” He smirked and paused for effect again. “At least now it is. Bit of a slow day before I got here, eh barkeep?”
The keeper responded with silence as he filled five elaborately crafted snifters from a small, gold-banded barrel behind the bar.
“No matter, we’ll liven things up here real soon. I’m looking for a woman — no, not you love, some other time maybe.” He gestured across the bar to a woman of simply indescribable beauty, whom he utterly failed to recognize as Titania. Lounging beside her, Oberon narrowed his eyes, but remained otherwise still.
It had been at least 150 years since the last time a patron had stepped out of line in the Tavern, and the mood of the crowd was positively electric with anticipation. The vampire, bless his shriveled little heart, clearly interpreted this as deference to his prowess.
“The woman I’m looking for is… Egyptian. An Empress. Her very name and image carved off the face of history by her own son. Probably on the masculine side, considering how she managed to pass herself off as a Pharaoh and usurp his reign for 20 years. Just a guess, but probably a 2 or 3 out of 10.”
“I’ve had kings put to death for far less impetuous horse shit than that, young man,” I said. How rude — I looked positively fabulous with a false goatee.
He turned to me with a broad smile and threw his arms wide open. “And here she is, The Empress Undying. The ‘last word’ in all things occult and arcane, so they tell me.” He approached, squinting into the gloom surrounding my dining table. “And wow, I take it all back, for a 3,000 year old mummy, you are surprisingly bang-able. You know I love a girl who plays hard to get, and let’s face it — erased from history, all that jazz — you were difficult to track down, Hatshepsut!”
“Really? I have a page on Wikipedia.”
“That’s not— I mean I prefer— that is, well, primary sources are—”
“Which, if you’d bothered reading, would have told you that Thutmose the Second was not my son, but my step son, and that at 2 years old he was not in the best position to rule when my husband passed. Not to mention it was actually his bratty son Amenhotep who ordered the whole defacing of my icons thing.” Which is also untrue. I ate my own name as part of my Ascension. But he doesn’t need to know the details of my life.
“Here’s your drinks boys,” Catherine said behind him with her typically cheerful demeanor as she set the tray of snifters down between Lestat’s posse. “Seeing as how it’s your first round at the Tavern, darlings, this one’s on the house.”
The vampires grabbed their drinks without so much as a thank you. Lestat wisely took the interruption as a reprieve from this sudden hiccup in whatever grand plan it was he had in mind for me, and retreated to the support of his minions. One of them sniffed at the drink suspiciously, while the others simply threw them back like shots and immediately grimaced. One got it down before sputtering and coughing uproariously, the other two spit it out back into their snifters.
“What is this shit?”
“That’s Ambrosia, darling,” Catherine said as she gently patted the coughing vamp on his back. “Nectar of the gods. It’s a bit of an acquired taste for sure, and most people do prefer to sip it. They say it’s ‘too much sensation’ for us lesser beings.”
“They don’t want Ambrosia, you wench,” Lestat howled, “they want blood!”
“Well I’m sorry darling, but we don’t serve blood here. You asked for a round of our ‘finest libations,’ and there’s no drink finer than Ambrosia in the Tavern, nor outside of it as I’ve ever heard. That barrel over there was handed off by Hermes himself.”
One of the vampires dashed his drink on the floor and pointed at Catherine.
“You’ve got blood, don’t you lass?”
“That will be enough.” The tavern keeper’s soft, mellifluous voice draped over the exchange like a weighted blanket. “I’ve served you drinks, and in return you have been exceedingly impolite to my establishment, my staff, and my patrons. Learn the meaning of deference before you visit next, for you will not be well-received without it. Now, leave.”
Lestat’s four hulking minions might have succumbed to the spell of the keeper’s voice had not their ring-leader, to his detriment, managed to shake out of it.
“Leave? No, we just got here,” he turned back to me, “and I’m not finished with her.”
“But I am finished with you,” I said.
“Ten,” the keeper said, leaning forward to rest his elbows on the bar.
“The only reason I haven’t ended your miserable existence thus far,” I continued, “is out of deference to my elders. It is not my right to take your life inside the walls of this Tavern. I suppose I’ll soon be forced to do it outside, but do understand, I’ll approach that no differently than I would stepping on a scarab.”
“Nine.”
“The truth of it is, 'Dread Prince,' that you are not worth the breath spent uttering your ridiculous name.”
“Not worth your time, am I? I’ll show you what your time is worth, you decrepit bitch!”
“Eight,” the tavern keeper said, and Lestat flung an outstretched claw in his direction while hissing out a spell in medieval Latin.
Generously translated, it came out to roughly As though caught on a hook, the keeper tumbled over his bar and forward through the air. Lestat caught him by the neck and wrenched sideways, spinning the keeper’s head fully around with a loud crunching sound. Then, with the inhuman speed inherent to vampires, he hoisted the keeper’s body over his head, darted across the Tavern, and slammed him down through a table surrounded by a flock of naiads.
He turned and caught Catherine in the hypnotic gaze his kind uses to trap their prey, and strolled leisurely back over to his group. I crossed my arms.
“Sorry ‘darling,’ but I like my meals a little toasty.”
He hissed in his awful Latin again, along the lines of Catherine convulsed and shrieked, unable to move while locked in his gaze. He yanked her head to the side and made a show of sinking his fangs into her neck with a ripping motion, splattering droplets of blood across the tavern that sizzled and steamed where they landed. Her lifeless body rolled under the table as he turned his bloody face back to me.
“How do you like me now?”
I pushed my untouched salad, now flecked with Catherine’s blood, away from me on the table and let out a deep sigh.
“First, your grasp of Latin is elementary at best, you really should have practiced more before coming to see me. No, now, this is the part where you listen.”
I pinched my forefinger to the thumb to seal the air inside his lungs. He stumbled back and clutched at his neck in surprise — he wasn’t going to suffocate of course, but it’s an unpleasant feeling for sure if you haven’t yet come to the realization that you don’t actually need to breathe in undeath.
“Of course it is the intent that matters somewhat more-so than the language used — but, and I cannot stress this enough, good syntax simply never hurts. The age of your language also should not be overlooked. The older the language, the truer it is to the One Tongue of Magic, before it was fractured and the tower fell. You came with a form of Ecclesiastical Latin from around the 12th century, taught to Catholic priests. Underwhelming at best. You should have at least brought Classical Latin from the time of the Caesars, that would have shown me you were trying.
“Second, you demonstrate a lack of finesse that is simply appalling. I will commend your creativity in bringing your own spells to demonstrate. It is a key craft that many young students of the occult struggle with terribly for many years. You are also clearly capable of drawing significant power to bear, which is always a good start. However, the path to enduring success in the arcane arts isn’t power, it’s efficiency. What you did worked, but it took far more power than it needed to. I can think of a dozen ways to boil someone’s blood off the top of my head, and none of them require much more focus or power than this.”
I released my fingers, letting the air out of his lungs in an involuntary wheeze.
“Since you were turned, I suspect you’ve never met a door you couldn’t break down with brute force. But that’s only because until today, you never really went looking for one.
“Third, and most damning of the indictments against you is this: you absolutely and utterly failed to read the room, nor did you accept the un-earned grace that was offered to you. Thus ends our impromptu lesson, prince. Good luck.”
I leaned back and draped my arms across the cushions of my booth, while Lestat yanked one of his minions to their feet and stood behind him, tensing for a fight.
“Mother… fucker…” came a mutter from under Lestat’s table, as Catherine stirred and rolled over onto her side. The newly-minted vampire lord paused and looked down at her with a furrowed brow.
“Wait, was she not a human? That normally kills humans.” He looked to his cronies, who gave him an array of shrugs and uncertain mumblings.
I said in Classical Latin,
The vampire cocked his head, clearly trying and failing to work through the declensions and figure out exactly what I had said. I pointed across the room to the tavern keeper, standing up out of the wreckage of his table. Loud crunches of grinding bone sounded from his neck as he rolled his head from side to side, reforming the shattered vertebrae inside it. He spat out a mouthful of blood, then plucked a wrinkled pocket square from his vest and dabbed the corners of his lips.
“Zero,” the keeper said once his larynx had reformed enough for speech. “It’s the medical benefits of her employment package: immunity to death, disease, etc. Cuts the insurance middle-men right out of the picture, I find it’s very efficient.”
“Ah.” Lestat eyed the keeper, far too late showing the slightest hint of caution or concern. “So she’s human, but you’re not. Well then, what are you?”
“Immortal,” the Keeper replied simply, as he plucked a shard of glass out of his skull and tossed it aside. It landed with a loud tinkle in the otherwise silent room.
“That means nothing,” Prince Lestat waved his hand dismissively. “I’m immortal. Half your bloody patrons are—”
“No,” the keeper cut him off as he straightened out his vest and stepped out of the wreckage of the table. “You are ageless, thanks to the curse of undeath upon you. That is a very different thing than being immortal. Numerous vampire lords you’ve killed in the last few months would attest to this, were they not dead, no? They may not like to acknowledge it, but this is a simple fact that every entity in this establishment is keenly aware of, save for you.”
Lestat said nothing, but his body language spoke volumes for him, as he shrunk half a step backward toward the support of his underlings.
“My patrons from the Fey realms, or the Abyss? They experience death on this plane of existence as a banishment back to their own. But once there, they age and die the same as all other creatures in existence, if perhaps at a different rate than a human does. My dear employee Catherine, whom you’ve treated with such brazen disrespect, will live as long as she wishes to. But some day, be it centuries or millennia from now, she will grow tired of life, and request I terminate her contract.”
He gestured to me, seated in my quiet, dark corner, and a chill ran down my spine.
“Even the Empress Undying, whom you unwisely came looking for tonight, will only survive so long as she maintains the numerous spells and failsafes she has crafted to preserve and extend her unnatural life.”
My thoughts flickered in succession through my 5 phylacteries, painstakingly secreted away in sealed and warded caches both near and far-flung — and I watched in horror as the keeper’s eyes lifted briefly to the keystone of the stone arch over his doorway, then settled on me, and he winked.
By the gods, my cold heart would have skipped a beat were it able. How did he find it out? Or, more likely: has he simply always known?
“One day, when she has grown tired of this endless upkeep, she too will come to me for release. You see, Edwin, everything dies eventually.”
He held his hand calmly out to his side, and wisps of shadow materialized and snaked through the air into his grasp. The Dread Prince Lestat — Edwin — first shivered, then spasmed, and finally, as his entourage withdrew from him in horror, collapsed in a fit of convulsions. The shadows continued to flow into the keeper’s outstretched hand, gaining solidity and texture, until he was left holding his implement: a bowed farmer’s scythe, worn and battered, but with a keen edge that felt dizzying and somehow wrong to look upon. The keeper stepped forward.
“Everything dies, except for me.”
Been wanting to get back into writing for a while and came across this response I half-wrote last year.
Original prompt either here or here , honestly not sure which one I originally happened across anymore.

before reading: I know I need a professional’s health, I’m going to the psychologist in the summer but hear me out. I just want to tell my story and see what other people thinks.
I had a boyfriend for over a year, we have broken up like 3 times, the most recent was cause by him not accepting that he could not live in the same city as me cause it’s expensive af (we have to leave our city to continue college). At mid semester, he comes back and tells me he wants me back, and in my loneliness I accepted, but who could know , two weeks later I will meet another man. He is my neighbor, but I didn’t have had the chance to meet him yet, so I met him one weekend and I started conversation by texting that first night, he answered and we had fantastic convos all day and all night, we listened to music on Spotify together and spent hours and hours talking in our apartment’s stairs. So I started catching feelings, and also him. But I was still in a relationship. So I confessed to him that a was in a long distance relationship and it was complicated, but I was going to break up with my boyfriend cause a knew I wanted to be with him.
And then I broke up with my boyfriend and start dating right away the other boy. I was theoretically his first girlfriend.
Everything was perfect, and I didn’t felt like I was replacing the other guy, I was sincerely falling in love with my neighbor. But then one weekend I came back to my city for a couple of days to see my family, and that’s when I realized I have fallen for him. When I came back to the city I’m living, the guy started being a littler bit different than me, and that made me feel anxious, so I asked him right away what was happening.
Long story short, he really did not wanted a relationship with me, at least at the moment, but that he enjoyed my company and he like being with me, so he asked me to be mora than friends and less than boyfriend and girlfriend….. but I panicked. I felt his love going through my hands like water. So I told him we could not be friends, and we cried because he was sad he couldn’t love me like a loved him. He was sad and hurt he wasn’t clear from the beginning, and I was hurt too.
so, that happened yesterday, and today I asked him if he could pick me up from college cause it was dark and the city is dangerous, and we walk to our apartments together but I was weird because I wanted to kiss him and hugged him but I knew he didn’t feel the same way.
But then , when I was already at my room, I send him a text to asked him if he wanted to continue watching euphoria with me that night (we just finished season one lol) so he said yes and went to his room. We watch euphoria together but then when it was time to leave I didn’t want to leave, and we talked a lot about what was happening.
It’s difficult cause I want to not feel anything anymore, but I will miss him so much, but then if we continue being friends, I will destroy myself with fake hopes that we could be something else, so I’m fucked anyways.
then we continue talking, he keeps saying he wants to be my friend and he likes being with me, so when he walked me to my apartment, I told him I wanted to be his friend, but friends that hug each other and kiss each other on the cheeks(never on the lips unless he wants it), and he repeated : more than friends, less than lovers, and I think I understand his point.
I think we will talk tomorrow about exclusivity, but idk, I really felt for him, and I wish he falls for me too.
so, what do you think about this situation? I’ll be reading you xo

For context, my (26F) dad was abusive growing up. He was verbally aggressive and belittling, lots of lies and manipulation, would throw things, get in my face, and pull back his arm like he was going to hit me. He doesn't do the physically aggressive stuff anymore to people afaik, but the rest is the same. Second last time I saw him he bragged about killing his neighbours cat, last time I saw him was when he pretended to have cancer so I'd see him again - I had a panic attack when he admitted it. This was about 4/5 years ago and we haven't talked since.
His mum (my Nana) was killed, and l am going to her funeral soon - side story I don't want to get into in this post. How should I prepare? I have a friend coming for support. My mum and brother will be there too. Brother is still close-ish with him, mum sees him sometimes with brother cause she has bad boundaries. My mum doesn't have the capacity to be a support for me at the funeral, and may make me feel worse unintentionally, make morbid comments, bring up other horrible things she feels is relevant, etc. Brother is good value but still close with dad so idk - I probably won't be around him much at the funeral, since he and dad might hang out.
I've been trying to go through scenarios and figure out my "grey rock" techniques and phrases. I worry he will either try to use the situation to guilt me into spending time with him, blast me in front of family for not seeing Nana for years (due to the sitch with dad I haven't really had contact with his side of the family), or both. She took some time to pass after the incident and I know almost all family showed up other than me - he may have things to say about that that I can't answer publicly without bringing up our situation, which he may bank on to make me look bad.
What I've got for if he tries to go get coffee togethereconnect/hash out "our issues":

• I'd prefer to focus on Nana while I'm here
• I don't think it's an appropriate time to have this conversation
• I'm sorry for your loss, but it is important for me to maintain healthy boundaries (idk about this one)
• No, sorry. I'm uncomfortable with that
• "Maybe"/shrug and walk away

General detractors:

• Generally trying to avoid him and leaving when he joins a conversation I'm part of
• Getting my friend to ask for a tampon from my bag (placed down somewhere I am not standing)
• Saying "excuse me" and bailing after I have said any of the other rehearsed one liners
• Talking to mum, brother and his gf about changing the subject etc if he brings something up

If he tries to shame me for not seeing Nana in front of everyone:

• Family is complicated. I would have liked to have seen her as well, but I'm glad knowing she had a lot of love around her

What else can you all recommend? I was also thinking of giving him a hug (if he approaches for one) and saying sorry for his loss. Is that a bad idea? I don't want to obviously but maybe it will make it easier.
I don't know what he has told his extended family about why I don't see him, but there are probably some pretty messy lies there too that I'm not aware of. I think I could potentially ask my brother about this as he is more connected, but we have also never talked about it and he always chooses to spend Christmases with dad over me so idk if that would help or hurt.
I think he will probably compare me to his brother who has isolated himself from the entire family (which is what we heard from dad fyi, not necessarily the full story or even true at all - I have no reliable information either way). If he did this in a loud and public way I would like a way to "defend" myself to my wider family but idk how to do that without engaging. Something like the issues in our relationship don't impact my warm feelings for the rest of the family - but that sounds like a dig at him and the start of a fight I don't want to engage in
We are all grieving and missing Nana (an amazing woman), and the circumstances of her death were traumatic and extremely upsetting for everyone. There is already a lot of anger and emotion surrounding the situation. I don't know if this will stop my dad from doing anything, or if he will use me as a focal point for his emotions
I heard my dad yell sometime to the phone when I last called my brother while he was with extended family, but I didn't hear it and thought it was better not to ask what it was. It could have been wholesome or fucked up, but he clearly has things he wants to say to me, or wants everyone to hear me saying to him
Also what do I say if my cousins or extended family I was close with ask why I don't see dad anymore? "I don't think it would be appropriate to get into what dad has done at his mother's funeral", "I don't think it would be appropriate to get into when his mum has just passed", or "he has been abusive, but it wouldn't be appropriate to get into details under these circumstances". I know he would be saying stuff regardless of how inappropriate the situation is, and I have an urge to have my side known to some extent so my relationship with my extended family isn't damaged. But maybe I shouldn't imply any bad behaviour on his part and just zip it if anyone asks, to avoid escalating poorly timed drama.
Edit: Also how do I reply if family asks why I didn't come see her in the hospital (like everyone else)? The real answer is that I wanted to give Dad uninterrupted/complicated time to say goodbye and didn't want to cause a scene, and already felt she was adequately supported by our huge family. I think it would have been self-serving of me, and potentially distressing to the extended family, including Nana, depending on how dad reacted.
Maybe "my relationship with dad is complicated, and I didn't want my presence to detract from the focus of supporting Nana and each other"

TW: suicidal thoughts For context, I (18F) at the time was in a very bad financial situation with my single mother. Last year my mother and I had been informed mend that we were to be evicted from our home (we found out later that this was done illegally) whilst this was happening I was doing the HSC, so it was a pretty stressful time. I went to a middle class school so a lot of the people going there were a lot more wealthy and had a lot more stability than I did. I tried to confide to my two best friends (I’ll call them J and B) about this but they didn’t understand how dire the situation was, so it was a very hard and isolating time for me. When I went home i had to look for mew homes and support my mother who was constantly having a breakdown due to the stress and constantly having to work to support us, and at school I was stressed and miserable because there was no body I could talk to about how I was feeling. Anyways, earlier that year I had received a large sum of money due to a legal case which we had won. My mother and I had decided that we needed the money to purchase a unit, so the money sat waiting in the bank. I, being kinda dumb, told my friends about this and after that they called me ‘rich girl’. I tried to explain to them what the actual use of that money was but it never seemed to get through to them.
One of my friends, I’ll call her B, got tickets to a concert at the behind of the next year and asked if I would like to come, I said yes and offered to pay for the ticket, she agreed. However, I told her at that time I couldn’t pay it because we couldn’t spare any money, she said that was fine and the rest of the year progressed fine. About two months before the concert I began to work at my first job and my friends wanted to go on a schoolies trip. They wanted to organise this within a week so it stressed me the hell out. I told them I couldn’t go as I was just beginning at my new job and I had just got a puppy (who was in training to be my service dog, for anxiety etc.) and didnt want to leave, plus it would cost a lot of money which we didn’t have (at this time my mum and I had found a new apartment and decided to put the money away to save towards getting a nicer unit). I was sad that I couldn’t go but didnt regret it.
After the trip my friends stopped talking to me. I constantly tried to reach out and apologise if I had done anything wrong but they said it was fine and would go back to not talking to me. About a week before the concert my friend reminded me that I needed to pay. I apologised for taking so long to pay it and now that I had an income would be more than happy paying it. The concert came and went and I thought B and I had a great time, however after it went back to silence. A week before I started uni my friends told me that they wanna meet up for lunch, I happily agreed finally happy to be hanging gout with my friends. A week came and went. The day before we were meant to hang out, i bumped into a friend who also went on the trip with them. I told him about my other friends hanging out tomorrow and he looked surprised. I asked him what was wrong and he told me that they talked about me on the trip. They had said that i was lying about my financial situation and using them for money, and that the only reason I was friends with them was for money. I was absolutely decimated by this. I had never asked them for money or anything of the sort and i myself have actually given them gifts because I loved them so much.
I messaged my friends (J and B) confronting them about this. They then expressed how disappointed they were in me for addressing it this way and thought we were better friends than that and were planning on addressing this during our hang out. I told them that my understanding was that we were just hanging out and they, despite the many times I asked, were not upset or mad at me. I called them out by saying they were planning on ambushing me with this information. There was more back and forth where I called them out for their behaviour and kept trying to twist it back onto me being a bad friend and not caring about how they felt. They told me that I was lying about my finances due to buying my new dog, which I explained to them it was not a sudden purchased and something i had planned for months and because I was late to pay the concert ticket (I acknowledged this and apologised again for it being late to pay). It got pretty mean, and I ended up having a pretty bad breakdown where I was thinking suicidal thoughts. Me wanting to know if they cared asked if they would care if i die (which after I knew was not the right thing to do and apologised) and then J said that i was manipulating them and only doing it for attention. This made me spiral even further.
After that my mum took away my phone and kept in her room while i tried to piece together what had just happened. I felt a lot of regret for expressing my emotions through those text. J’s words kept going through my head which caused me to think that i was a horrible person that didnt deserve to live. Luckily I didnt do anything to myself that night however the next morning my mother got a long text from J saying a lot of really horrible things about me, that I was unimportant, selfish and a manipulator.
It’s been months since this has happened and for the most part I have moved forward but am still sad about the whole ordeal. In some ways I wish I had never found out and that we could have somehow moved forward and been friends today. Unfortunately we were from different worlds and I don’t think they ever were able to understand how though finances can be for people. I apologise if this is long, and congrats for making it this far. This is just something I’ve been holding on to for a while and want to finally talk to people about it even if it is a group of internet strangers : )