Chapter VI
The first land we sighted after leaving Sydney was the Three Kings, New Zealand. We had run before a fair wind up to this time, and had come into what was regarded as a good whaling ground. Now every eye was scanning the horizon, since a bottle of grog was promised to the man who should first sight a whale. I had been on the port watch since I came on board under Mr Hawkins, the chief mate, and one evening, just as our watch below was ending, I went aloft to see the sun set. Against the broad, red horizon I saw some dark objects spouting and tumbling. In an instant I had shouted “Whales ho!” to claim the bottle of grog. “Where away?” was the skipper's question. “On the lee bow, sir.” For an instant he scanned the spot with his glass, an anxious moment for me lest I should have mistaken a shoal of porpoises for a school of whales, and not only lose my prize but expose myself to the ridicule of my fellow sailors. “Right you are, it's whales, sure enough; you have won your grog, lad.”
We had no time to lose; the night would soon be on us, and our chance would be lost. Down went the boat with Ned Farne, our harpooner, in the bows ready to launch his weapons when opportunity offered. On came the school, tumbling and blowing, throwing jets of water ten or fifteen feet into the air, causing a very grand yet terrible scene. At length they got almost within range; the boys were pulling like mad to keep up with the pace the whales were swimming at. We saw Ned rise up in the bows, poise his arm back for an instant, then launch the harpoon straight for the huge back of the fish that was nearest to him. The aim was true, the missile was buried over the barb in the soft blubber beneath the outer skin, and away went the whale dragging the harpoon rope after it so rapidly that they had to pour water upon the side of the boat to prevent it from igniting, through the violent friction. Again the huge creature rose to breathe, and another harpoon was driven into it, causing it once more to rush away through the water at lightning speed. Darkness fell over the scene before they had killed it, and the boat remained by the carcase all night to prevent it sinking. When morning came it was a busy scene on board, preparing to cut it in and try it out. At length the task was completed, and five large sacks of oil were secured; not a large yield certainly, but the foretaste of better things, we hoped. We cruised over the same ground for several days, but saw no more whales, accordingly we stretched across to Curtis' Island, about 500 miles to the north-east, where in about a month we got five or six more, some of them giving very fair yields of oil. After this we ran down upon Norfolk Island, where we fell in with the Mercury, schooner, Captain Barnet, also on a whaling cruise from Tasmania. From her we shipped two additional hands, and then made for Moreton Bay, on the coast of Queensland. Here not a solitary fish was to be seen, therefore we ran back for our old ground off Curtis' Island. Scarcely had we arrived when we fell in with a heavy gale from the north-east, raging for twenty days, in which we had to heave to, not being able to show a rag of sail. On the 21st day, when the wind began to lull, we found ourselves off the Three Kings, a drift of more than 500 miles. We had shipped such heavy seas, and the force of the storm had been so great, that our tryworks had been carried away, and three of our boats stove in. Therefore we bore up for the Bay of Islands, where we arrived on the 10th of April, 1811, anchoring as before off Te Puna. We were the only vessel in the bay at the time, though others entered during our stay.
The same day that we reached our anchorage a chief named Taua Makia came aboard to take care of us and watch over our interests, lest we should be swindled in trade or otherwise maltreated. This considerate proceeding was not disinterested, but the ‘consideration’ expected was not large. The Skipper ordered a boat to go ashore and bring a load of gravel to serve as shot for our guns since this had been omitted in the ship's supplies, and the natives were not to be trusted, even though we had a protector. The news had spread like wild-fire that a ship was at anchor in the bay, and already scores of canoes were being launched to pay a visit to the pakeha, but we loaded our guns, and pointing them astern, ordered all the visitors to keep back, which, after a little demur and grumbling they did. Nevertheless, all throughout our stay, they never desisted in the attempt to get on board, considering it a gross breach of hospitality on our part to deny them the privilege. As our example was imitated by Captain Walker, of the Endeavour brig, that came in a few days after us, having on board two missionaries for Tahiti - Messrs Davidson and Williams - the natives concluded that in us they had got a very bad and uncivil customer to deal with.
Meantime we had commenced work upon the repairs of the vessel. Nearly all our spars had been carried away, together with our jibboom and some of the bulwarks; we had lost every boat but one, and small leaks were demanding attention, We bad two sawyers on board, and as Captain Walker had three whom he lent us for the time, our skipper thought it best to put the ship thoroughly to rights here, in place of putting back to Sydney. Accordingly, the sawyers went ashore, rigged up the pits, and commenced work vigorously. But the Maoris did not exactly see the force of this. They imagined that we were concocting some diabolic scheme of destruction against them in making such extensive preparations, which they considered as in some way identified with our worship. They pulled down the works and threatened to kill the sawyers if they attempted to resume operations. But a volley from the vessels soon scattered them, and a strong guard being picked from the crews of both ships, they were hereafter permitted to labour uninterruptedly. During this time, I had considerable liberty granted to me to go ashore, or to go fishing with Taua Makia. The first time I availed myself of the former privilege, I received as great a scare as ever I had in my life. Three of us had been wandering about in a bit of bush near the Keri-Keri River, trying to find our way back to the saw-pits, when suddenly we issued upon a cleared space, in which were a few houses and patches of cultivation. Before the entrance to one of the whares stood a band of females crowned with chaplets of green leaves, and wringing their hands. One of these, an elderly woman, who seemed to act as chief mourner upon the occasion, and had a chaplet of dog's hair round her temples, different from the others, advanced in front and began to throw her arms about, raising her head and eyes to heaven. Whilst doing this, in a very plaintive quavering tone, she commenced a wailing song, in which she was joined by her companions. I was afterwards initiated into this, and now give a specimen of a funeral lament: -
Taku hei he piripiri (my fragrant bundle the piripiri) Taku hei moki-moki (my fragrant bundle the mokimoki) Taku hei tawiri (my fragrant bundle the tawiri) Taku kati taramea (my sweet juice of the taraniea) Te hei o te pounamu (the companion of the greenstone) I haramai ai - e (is gone - alas, upon) I runga te angai-ia-ana (the angai-e-).
It was the tangi, or wail for the dead. But at this period I knew nothing of Maori customs or ceremonies, and my very hair began to rise with horror as I thought perhaps they might be celebrating some human sacrifices. Our fear kept us quiet. In the thick bush we lay watching the scene, overshadowed by the gloom of a gigantic kauri-tree, and wishing ourselves anywhere but in our present predicament. When the sorrowful song was ended, and the females had entered the whare, we noiselessly strove to retrace our steps, and chance favouring us, we came out a mile or two from where the sawyers were at work. As I afterwards discovered, no duty is so sacred or so obligatory as the interment of the dead, no trouble being considered too great, no expense too excessive, no lamentation too extreme to testify to the respect in which the deceased was held on earth, and to raise him in the estimation of the mysterious spirits to whom he had gone. Taua Makia sometimes went with us fishing to induce the prey to come upon hooks by the constant chanting of Karakias or incantations, supposed to have a very potent influence over the finny tribe. I cannot say we were ever very successful when he was with us, since the noise he made and the fishing gear he would insist upon employing were neither conducive to lure the fish to our bait, nor to hold them when they were hooked. But this, of course, may have been merely an ignorant pakeha's prejudice, since many a lusty kahawai or schnapper, have I caught with a hook made from a dead man's bone. Don't wince, reader; better, is it not, to be put to some use after death, than to feed a legion of hungry worms.
We began to mix a little with the natives when ashore, and I grew more familiarised with their ways. We attended their baptisms, He Tohi, and gave presents to the infant, that it never enjoyed; we consulted the Niu, or divining sticks, whether we should reach home in safety; we were present at their marriage tauas, when the bride was carried off by main force sometimes minus her clothing, finally we were guests at their hakaris, or feasts, and could vouch for the excellence of Maori culinary skill. But we shall have enough of these in the course of the narrative, the reader shall eat and drink to his heart's content but at present we must keep to the thread of our story.
In a fortnight the sawyers had finished their work ashore, a week more completed the repairs aboard, and whatever little trade we had carried on completed, the skipper thought of standing out to sea again. In some mysterious way or other, I had offended the old bosun of our ship, and he had persecuted me with most relentless malice. Nothing I could do was right, the rope's end was my daily sauce, and complaints about my laziness were continually being carried to the captain. At length one day, irritated by their constant occurrence, he said when another of my misdeeds was laid before him, “String him up then, and give him a dozen.” This was just what the bosun wanted; and in a trice he strung me up to the mast, and a good round dozen I received, being only released when nearly fainting with pain and shame. He had got the best of it just now; my day of retribution came again. Now, this method of instructing me in navigation was by no means to my taste, and as two of our men had absconded the day previous, concealed, as was thought, in the bush, I imagined I could emulate their example, perhaps, to join them. At least, I should first go to the Endeavour, as she lay nearer the shore, if not, the bush it must be. Therefore, waiting my opportunity, about 3 o'clock one morning I slipped overboard and swam noiselessly to the companion ship. As I came alongside puffing and blowing, thoroughly exhausted with the long swim, and almost inclined to give up the business, the carpenter, who was acting as bosuns mate in the Endeavour for the time, saw me, and flung me a rope, by which I climbed on deck. I told him my story, and as he was a decent sort of a fellow, he was slipping me quietly along the deck to the foc'sle, when the second mate saw us and demanded to know what I wanted there. With my usual readiness, I invented a tale of a morning swim and exhaustion, but the story would not hold water, and the captain was informed of my arrival. As soon as morning broke he sent over to the Harwich, telling Captain Simmons that I was on board his vessel, and about nine our skipper came over with two men to take me back. Reluctantly enough I went, as I knew a flogging was in store for me, but to my surprise the captain only took me into his cabin and rated me soundly for my foolhardiness in risking my life thus, telling me I escaped a flogging by his having discovered many of the bosuns stories to be untrue. My condition was now better on board, as I was taken aft, and kept under the captain's own eye. My enemy, the bosun, was speechless with rage, yet he was powerless now to do me harm.
About a week after this the Endeavour sailed, Captain Walker having come on board the Harwich and taken a very friendly farewell of our skipper, and a fortnight afterwards we followed suit, going back to our old cruising ground at the Three Kings. The weather was very uncertain and squally, so that we did not see any whales; therefore we stretched over to Norfolk Island, and speedily were busy at work.
The first day we arrived we secured three whales, which we cut in and tried out, the third day two more, and the fifth day another. Then our luck seemed to change, and not a solitary fish could we see for an entire month. We tried all our former grounds, Curtis' Island, Moreton Bay, Three Kings, to no purpose, only when off the East Cape did we catch sight of a small whale, which we secured but only got one barrel of oil from it. The weather now began to be very stormy; winter was at its depth, and the air was piercingly cold. Therefore Captain Simmons concluded to break the cruise, to run for Sydney, discharge his cargo of oil, and commence anew. Another consideration, also, was that several of the men were very ill with scurvy and dysentry - in fact, the crew was only at half at its usual complement, therefore the cry was “about ship,” and “Sydney ho!”
It was whilst running home before a fine fresh breeze, that one night we were knocked up by Mr Hawkins singing out, “Ship on fire on the weather bow.” The shock was electrical. Everyone bundled out of their hammocks and rushed on deck. There on the horizon was a grand and terrible spectacle. A large ship was burning from stem to stern, lighting up the gloom of the winter's night for miles around, throwing a deep lucid glare over the inky ocean. The flames were bursting up the hatches, were licking the masts and spars, were peeping out in little forked tongues through the portholes. The captain ordered lights to be burned at the masthead, blank charges to be fired from the guns every minute, and the jolly-boat to be manned and to go in search of survivors. In an hour our efforts were rewarded by three boat-loads of fear-stricken men boarding us and asking reception. They informed us that the burning ship was the “Lady Lucy” from Sydney to London, that she had caught fire when a week out, from a burning candle falling into an oil cask, and that over 50 lives had already been lost through the capsizing of two of their boats. Captain Simmons made them welcome, and a few days after we reached Sydney, where they were taken in hand by the Government and forwarded home by the next vessel. Thus ended my voyage in the Harwich, perhaps the most pleasant of all my trips.

Credit for the original story goes to u/spacepaladin15. I have to say, this was easily my favorite chapter to write. I hope you enjoy!
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Memory transcript subject: Trish, Venlil civilian
Date [Standardized Human Time]: February 29th, 2177
Location: Lower sprawl of City 23, Venlil Prime
It was a long drive back down to the Den, and the whole group held their breath for every second of it with spines bristling and skin crawling. To all of them, it felt like exterminators might appear behind them at any moment if they let themselves relax for so much as a second. The only noise (aside from the whiny roar of the engine) was the hiss of a spray bottle, as James disinfected the wound at Sasha’s side with some mild antiseptic and threw a light cover of bandages over the whole affair. Those aside, the vehicle was filled with a deathly silence.
By the time they were back at the Tipped Quill, even Beast seemed cowed. Trish set it down in the adjacent side-alley, and its doors opened without so much as a screech of the unoiled hinges. They silently disembarked for the bar with all the cheer of a funeral procession, each of them constantly sneaking looks behind them. James and Burai were in front, Tressa and Trish in back, with Sasha and the cargo shielded from all angles as though they were under attack. The thick tension in the air further silenced their movements, leaving only the sound of the ashen wind outside as they walked.
​
As soon as the door to the Den slid shut behind them, the tension snapped. A roar of exuberant emotion from every angle nearly pushed Trish to the ground, as the rest of them erupted with cheers. It was like being at the center of a supernova, a feeling of being crushed from all angles. Trish just barely managed to stay upright from the sudden shock, ears failing to adjust for several seconds to the new baseline of noise.
“—and just threw himself at them, crying some sob story about a human hunting him. And they bought it! They actually bought it!”
“No shit they bought it! What were they gonna do, let an opportunity to put those flamers to work pass them by?”
“You know, there was a fire escape ladder on the other side of the building. If you’d let me say something before jumping, maybe I wouldn’t need to pull this quill out of your side.”
“You and I both know we— mhfff— didn’t have that sort of time. ”
The dizzying whirl of socialization around her faded into a manageable hum, nervous sharp laughter giving way to more gentle chuckles as the adrenaline faded. Trish managed to drag herself to a chair, nausea fading but legs still shaky from the sudden outburst. She should’ve thought to bring earplugs.
“Hey Trish, you good? You’re looking pretty faint yourself…” James wrapped up his work and paced over to her, his face a bizarre mix of mirth and concern.
“Fine, I’m fine. Just a lot of noise, that’s all. Is Sasha OK?”
“Yeah, just a spine in her side from that fall. It didn’t get past skin, so she’ll be just fine. Here, why don’t I get you some… hmmm, how do you feel about champagne?”
“I don’t— Champagne?”
He grinned, almost literally ear-to-ear. “Yeah, ‘course! Or cider, if that’s more your style. You know, this is a big occasion! A mysterious unmarked bag from the same contact who got us those pistols last time, we can afford a bit of celebration!”
“...Cider sounds good. This has human amounts of alcohol, right? I don’t want to dull my perception if anything comes up.”
“Relax, relax! You’re acting like there’s a squad of exterminators waiting ‘till we’re drunk to kick the door down. Trust me, it’s all downhill from here! Here, let me get you a glass…”
—
The backpack was set upon a footrest, and all lamps trained on it to make a sort of spotlight. To a rapt and silent audience, Trish walked up to their little makeshift shrine and carefully unzipped the gray fabric.
After only a couple hours and far fewer drinks than might be expected, curiosity had gotten the better of them. They all knew it would be better to wait until morning to see what was in the backpack; for something as potentially monumental as this, being well-rested and sober would be invaluable. They kept their curiosity at bay for long, agonizing hours. But it couldn’t hold. Burai made some joke about holding a ceremony to open the thing, and that was all the push they needed.
Inside the backpack, an expensive-looking technological box lay cushioned in a nest of nondescript white fabric. Trish mercilessly gutted the bag, lifting the contents up high for all to see for a moment before placing the device on the spot where the backpack had set seconds prior. After a moment’s inspection, she found a clearly-marked button on the side which she pushed without so much as a moment’s consideration. A hiss of air and a blink from the green light on the side, and the entire box split in two before sliding open. The blast of heat from the inside made Trish recoil slightly. She peered in.
Her gaze was met by a small oval, glistening slightly under the light of heating elements and LEDs. Blue, glossy with a slightly rough texture, and barely the size of Trish’s paw. She ran a claw across the side; tiny bumps coated the surface. It was extremely warm to the touch. With great care, she lifted it from its metal cocoon and held it up for the rest of the group to see what exactly they’d risked life and limb for.
​
The only person who seemed to recognize it was Sasha, who all but collapsed at the sight. Mouth covered with a hand, eyes wide and frantic, breathing unsteady. Burai practically dragged her to a nearby chair.
“W-What the fuck? How? How!?”
“Sasha, are you—”
Without waiting for Burai’s question to finish, Tressa rushed over to her and practically tackled her with a hug. He was coming at her from an awkward angle, so rather than a graceful embrace, it ended up with him sliding down an arm head over tail. Undeterred, he righted himself and wrapped his tail around her shaking hand.
“Sasha, breath. Five seconds in, five seconds hold, five seconds out, remember? We’ve got you.”
Gradually, her breathing stabilized, and her hands began to steady. Her eyes, however, remained wild and dilated, still roughly focusing on the small blue object in Trish’s paws. After several long seconds, she finally took the hint and carefully set it back in the case.
“Sasha, talk to me. What is it?”
Sasha’s voice was still unsteady, hands still slightly trembling as she pointed at the container. “...What is it? Do… any of you know what that is? What you’ve brought?”
“It’s an egg, isn’t it? I mean, it’s in an incu—”
“It’s an Arxur.”
“...What?”
“That’s an Arxur’s egg.”
Her words rang out like a gunshot, leaving still silence in its wake as the rest of the group processed the meaning behind them. Each person went through a set of reactions in series, timings offset. Shock, disbelief, denial, awe. Their faces and tails formed a silent orchestra of emotion.
Burai was the first to recover, and the first to speak. “How are we going to feed it?”
Sasha looked at him as though he had three heads.
“Well, it’s not like we can get synthesized meat anymore… there’s not exactly anywhere it could hunt, either. Maybe we—”
“Feed it? What fucking part of Arxur don’t you understand!? This is the same species that tore… Burai, you were there! On the cradle, you saw what they did! You should remember better than anyone! They had no empathy, no morals… They killed for fun, ate children out of their parent’s arms! And you want to…”
Sasha’s voice broke, but she continued. “...you want to raise it?”
Burai met her gaze but did not answer. In a truly rare moment, he seemed to be at a loss for words. Sasha looked around at the rest of them; they all wore the same look of determination and all failed to justify their decision with so much as a whisper of argument.
“You want to raise it?” she repeated again, louder this time, as though questioning them at higher volume would make them realize the error of their ways. “Do you think it’ll love you because you were the one feeding it flesh from birth? And… then what? What about every other species in this goddamn ash heap, will it love them enough to starve itself?” She looked around expectantly, but was met with the same steel glares.
“Well? Say something!” she spat. “Any of you!”
​
“Sasha…” Burai began gently, “Do you remember when Cilany’s interview first leaked?”
It was Sasha’s turn to go silent with a cold glare, apparently not seeing where the question led. The rest of the room shuddered; they’d heard the story before. He continued regardless. “The news that the Gojid once ate meat… it hit a lot of people hard. I was in a refugee shelter on Earth at the time. Nobody took it well. Nobody even talked for days afterwards. I heard a couple people tore out their claws and tried to remove their teeth. And there was this one kid… Teveq.
“He was so energetic, always off doing something. With the pups, usually, keeping them out of trouble. Or praying. He prayed to the Great Protector every night for his family to be found hiding somewhere on the cradle. Or sketching, buildings and burrows and skyscrapers. He wanted to be an architect, told me about it a few times. He was always so chatty… he kept me company when I couldn’t even bear to get out of bed. I found him in his room a couple days after we learned. He had a gun to his head.
“He didn’t pull the trigger, but it didn’t make a difference. He stopped eating, stopped talking. He stopped crying too after a few days, and he was just a breathing corpse, a corpse that lost more and more weight each day. He didn’t even pray anymore. The god he’d prayed to for protection hated him.
“When the Kolshians surrounded Earth, he didn’t leave. He wanted to burn. He thought he deserved it, because his people once ate meat.”
Sasha’s look of rage was replaced with sheer horror, but he wasn’t done. “The Federation killed him. Tore out his heart and soul, and incinerated what was left. Not just him, either. Nobody knows what the Gojid were once like before the Federation ‘cured’ us of our meat-eating sins. Nobody knows what we could’ve been, if the Kolshians had used their forces to save the cradle. Maybe they wouldn’t have done so even now, for our status as cured predators.
“The unhatched Arxur sitting on the chair; was it on the cradle? Did it personally kill Gojid? Or do you want us to kill it, burn it in cold blood just because its people once ate meat?”
This, finally, managed to shake Sasha from her stunned silence. Her rebuke was a far cry from the snarling fury she’d held just minutes ago, but she tried to make her voice firm. “Once ate meat? The Arxur can only eat meat, flesh they—”
“The Arxur are dead. They are dead, except for this little unhatched lizard. A being which has committed no sins, except by virtue of being born with a carnivorous digestive system. An innocent child, which represents everything the Federation tried to burn.”
The room was silent for several minutes. Sasha sat with her head buried in her hands, occasionally stealing glances at the container within which the egg sat and the Gojid sitting across from her. Each time, she wordlessly returned to her stance with a fresh layer of unease across her face.
A voice broke the silence. Shaky, muffled and laden with apprehension. Still, it sounded somehow firm, as though it had reached some sort of conclusion. Sasha sat up slightly straighter, though she kept her face covered.
“How… how are you going to feed it?”
—
Memory transcript subject: Burai, Gojid business owner
Date [Standardized Human Time]: February 30th, 2177
Location: Lower sprawl of City 23, Venlil Prime
The rest of the group was already asleep downstairs, but Burai couldn’t make himself sleep. He’d dragged himself up to the empty bar and gotten back to work; though physically tired, the flame in his soul wouldn’t let him rest until it burned out. His passionate argument from earlier still filled his spirit with a fire which couldn’t be extinguished; he could at least put it to work tackling the awful pile of now-dried sludge he’d left for himself to clean up later.
There wasn’t much else for it to do, even if the rest of them were still awake. Sasha had conceded to not interfere with raising the Arxur; although she still wasn’t exactly thrilled about the prospect of one living at the Den, Burai’s defense had clearly knocked the wind out of her sails as far as killing it was concerned. The rest of them, having never lived in a world where the Arxur were a spectre of death and agony, were fully onboard from minute one. He might have to hold them back from cutting off their own fingers to feed the hatchling. After nearly an hour of debate, they still hadn’t established where they could get food for it.
A sharp knock on the door interrupted his thoughts and forced him to leave his task before completion once again. In his exhausted state, he nearly opened the door without even thinking. His claw was on the handle before he remembered that he’d left the hidden door to the Den wide open. He dragged himself over to the switch and lazily jabbed it, pointedly ignoring the knocks as they became more insistent.
Finally, once his little show of security theater was concluded to his liking, he sauntered back towards the door. One claw smoothed out his quills absentmindedly. He knew he probably looked like a wreck, although he didn’t have a mirror to prove it. Hopefully, whoever was outside wouldn’t take much notice. He unlocked the door and slipped it open.
“Hey! We’re closed today, but—”
​
[Subject death detected Memory transcription ended]
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First Chapter
Chapter Fifteen
“Thank you, Ms. President, and Mr. Secretary-General. It’s my privilege to come and speak to everyone present during such a momentous time in human history. One which, I hope, will lead to a brighter future for us all…”
US President Correa’s boilerplate beginning flowed out as she scanned the room. Behind her rostrum sat a larger dais tiled with green marble, behind which sat the UN President, Secretary-General, and Under-Secretary-General. Two huge screens flanked the dais, and those screens now showed Correa’s face as she continued.
“…and we are committed to our country’s pledge to finding a peaceful and just way for Coalition technology to be incorporated worldwide, and to not attempt any reverse-engineering of our own. Make no mistake; we do not do this out of any sense of altruism or fairness, as pleasant as that may sound. We will hold this pledge sacred for the simple reason that, if the United States were to attempt such efforts the rest of the world would, without a doubt, find out. That, of course, would lead to a great instability.”
‘Great instability’ was diplomatic-speak for ‘the rest of the world then gangs up on the USA and then everything goes to hell’.
“I know there has already been a great deal of debate in this august hall as to the best way to proceed forward, in a fair and impartial manner. We believe that we have found what one might call a ‘trial run’ which will allow us to work out such matters.”
The general murmuring from the many semi-circular rows of desks in front of her increased.
“To begin with, during the first weeks after first contact we wanted to make sure our guests from the Coalition would not starve to death. Much like humanity’s own ships during the Age of Sail, Coalition exploration vessels store enough provisions for years…but such provisions never last. They have very advanced recycling, but mostly for water and even that is only a stop-gap measure. It is unknown even at this time as to how long it will take to repair the Exultant Finger of Rithro, and we did not want to risk the crew running out of food.
“Therefore, we undertook an emergency effort to have their ship’s medic examine various Earth foods to determine their compatibility with our guests’ varied biochemistries. I am pleased to report that there are quite a few Earth foodstuffs which are indeed compatible, although there are some specific items which act as allergens amongst some of the Coalition species. During these efforts, we did learn a bit about how their alien biochemistries work…information which has been duly published and is now openly available. We also began to get glimpses of something wonderful, and asked the Coalition crew for more details. They supplied us with some general ideas of what their medical technology can accomplish; I must emphasize that we do not possess any knowledge of how they can perform such miracles.”
Now the murmuring got quite a bit higher, but not quite to the point where they’d have to call for order.
“Yes, I use the word ‘miracles’ advisedly. For example, take Captain Sadaf. You have all seen her, and how she moves like a person in the prime of their life. Now. What if I told you that she is a little over four hundred years old?”
The murmuring died down into a shocked silence.
“Her species, the auhn, is no more long-lived than we are…but they are able to regenerate and remove the effects of aging. I hope the esteemed ambassadors can see what I am driving at. I propose that we set up a research institute, international in scope, to be placed at a neutral location which is still to be determined. The purpose of that institute will be to study and adapt Coalition medical technology for use in humans.”
Now the murmuring started again; she hoped they were actually listening instead of hatching side-deals with each other.
“You all have families and friends. I’m sure you have at least one family member, one good friend, who died of some horrible and unnecessary affliction. Think of what this means to the world, to us. It is also an excellent way to determine the inevitable issues and frictions which will arise from such a concerted international effort, and that, in turn, will inform our efforts in mutual reverse-engineering of other Coalition technology.
“I know this is, in many ways, a frightening time. Change can be frightening. But I am convinced that you will all know the right way forward, and that you will all see the need for us to unite in this matter, even if others may not be so clear-cut. I thank you for the opportunity to speak.”
As she stepped away from the rostrum, the UN President cleared his throat.
“We will now begin the debate on Madame President Correa’s proposal. Paper copies, with specifics of the proposal, are now being distributed to you all. We’ll now begin the debate period…yes, the gentleman from Portugal…?”
__________
Correa’s Chief of Staff was a shorter, tubby man with an olive complexion by the name of Pablo Rosas. He and Correa sat in a White House conference room, staring at a big screen which now showed the results of the UN vote. “Well, I suppose that went about as well as we could expect,” said Rosas.
“Yep. I was surprised they even agreed with our asking them to kick in some money.”
Rosas chuckled. “Keep in mind that all of this new medical tech will be available for anyone patent-free. Should be air-tight legally, since nobody here on Earth invented it; we’re merely adapting it. I think that was the sweetener we needed to get it passed.”
The president gave a brief nod, then tapped a few keys on the controls in front of her. The screen now showed a world map. “Now we just have to figure out where to put the damn thing without everyone getting butt-mad about it.”
“Hmm.” Rosas laced his fingers over his substantial gut as he regarded the map. “Someplace not ‘the usual’, then.”
Correa growled in frustration. “I keep thinking Switzerland, but I know there’s gonna be a lot of shit flung about that it’s too European-centric. Taiwan would be great; they’ve got both a good tech base and excellent transport infrastructure.”
“But way too controversial, for obvious reasons,” replied Rosas. “Japan?”
“China will, again, kick up a fuss. Huh. New Zealand?”
“That might work. They tend to be more neutral…but then again some might say they’re in too close with Australia, and that this whole effort is too Western-centric.” His eyes flicked back to north on the map. He was about to move his gaze elsewhere, but then he paused. “What about Iceland?”
“Iceland?” Correa almost scoffed, then looked more thoughtfully at the map. “Okay, they’re a NATO member which is a minus. But they tend to remain mostly neutral, which is a plus. Decent transportation infrastructure…don’t we have a naval air base there?”
“I think so, let me check…” Rosas tapped at his phone. “Hey, Jack? What can you tell me about any US naval air bases in Iceland? Just the highlights.” After a couple of minutes, he responded with a curt, “Okay, that’s enough, thanks.”
He put his phone away. “We kinda-sorta have one, at a place called Keflavik. The base there used to be a lot bigger during the Cold War. Then we shut it down after the Soviets were no longer a going concern. Iceland uses it now, and they allow us to fly submarine-search aircraft out of there, but a few years ago they nixed the DOD’s request to rebuild it into a more permanent base.”
“That does work in their favor. It makes for better optics if they’re known for keeping NATO at arm’s length.”
Rosas sat up. “Think the UN will go for it?”
“We can only try. I’ll have our ambassador in Reykjavik make some discreet inquiries, let’s see if they’d be okay with our proposing them as a candidate.”
The Chief of Staff smiled. “If it goes through, this institute will be pumping well north of a billion dollars per year into their economy. That should make it more than ‘okay’.
__________
Agent Cécile Savoie sat in a secure-location breakroom, silently grumbling as she held an as-yet un-drunk mug of coffee in her hands. As the agent-in-charge of the security detail during the Camp David incident, she’d been put on administrative leave, right alongside every other agent who’d been there. But it wasn’t like she had much down time; the inquiry board into that incident now summoned her damn near every other day for yet another round of tedious questioning.
“Hey,” said Hanson as he strolled in, looking just as sour as she felt.
She looked up in surprise. “Hey yourself. I thought you were assigned to the alien detail.”
“I was,” he said as he seated himself across the circular table from her. “Guess being in Alabama when the shitshow went down wasn’t far enough away to be completely out of suspicion. I just finished running my own gauntlet. But the rumor is, I’m getting it easy compared to everyone who was at Camp David, including the special forces people. Especially you.”
“Yeah, it’s pretty much a colonoscopy every day,” she muttered. “Going over the timeline, where I was at which times, who I had direct line of sight on, who I was in radio contact with.” She finally sipped her coffee.
Hanson’s sour expression deepened. “Do you really think it was one of us?”
She sighed. “It has to be. My gut tells me that there’s more than one mole and I told the inquiry board as much. The fuckers who got in knew too much about our patrol patterns, where everyone was, when they’d have a clear shot at an infil. That means someone with access to our methods and comms, and as to the latter we don’t use CB radios.”
The other agent leaned back. “Fuck. I wish I knew why any of us would do that. We’re supposed to be quiet professionals, not frothing radicals.”
Savoie turned the mug in her hands. “Not to tell tales out of school but, through the whisper network, they’ve been leaning hard on the captured dudes from the attack. Apparently one of their main ‘objections’,” and here she made some one-handed air quotes, “is that they think the whole Breaker thing is a ruse. It’s all smoke and mirrors, so that we’ll beg the Coalition to come and save us. And then…well, it gets vague after that but I guess they claim that at best we’ll get turned into the galactic equivalent of a Native American reservation. Worst case, we all get harvested for our precious bodily fluids.”
Hanson stared at her for a moment in disbelief. “That is, if you will forgive the uncouth term, utterly retarded. For chrissake, the Hubble got some beautiful shots of their ship once they’d spun that shield around to reveal it to us. I mean, I’m no spacecraft expert but even I could tell it had gotten the shit pounded out of it.”
She responded with a shrug. “Hey, Flat Earthers are still a thing.”
“Flat Earthers don’t stage FUCKING mortar attacks in our nation’s capital,” snapped Hanson. Then he subsided and spoke more softly. “Sorry, I shouldn’t be so on edge. This whole thing just pisses me off.”
“Join the club,” said Savoie as she sipped more coffee. “I just don’t get it, though.”
Hanson made a gentle ‘continue’ wave of his hand.
She leaned forward. “Okay. Our comrades in the CIA managed to identify the four who made it into the compound. They were all mercenaries, each with at least ten or fifteen years of experience in kicking ass around some of the worst hot spots in the world. Syria, Burma, bunch of places in Africa. One of ‘em even turned out to be ex-Wagner group.”
“Okay?” It was a leading single-word question, but not an unkind one.
“So why was the rest of the attack made up of nothing but a bunch of goddamn shit-kickers? And that includes the aborted attempt in Decatur. I’ve seen the files of those we rounded up in the Camp David attack. They were all low-life idiots just banging around, maybe they might have once held a gun in their lives. Hell, from what I’ve heard, the shootings that triggered the alarm at Camp David were an accident; those intruders were supposed to sneak around that patrol, not kill them. They all had the same top-of-the-line kit, so we know whoever is behind this has deep pockets. Why not hire an entire bunch of competent people instead of doing it onesy-twoseys?”
“It is a puzzle.” Hanson got up and set a styrofoam cup of water into the nearby microwave. As the cup turned within its electromagnetic prison, he leaned against the nearby counter and pondered her question. “Maybe the team in the woods was intended just as a distraction?”
“That’s what I thought at first, but then I reconsidered. I mean, what if the four who went in failed? You’d still need a proper backup plan. Same thing with the Decatur bunch. By the way, did they ever catch them?”
Hanson let out a dark chuckle. “Decatur PD found a pile of vests and rifles, hastily wiped down. They were able to pull a few partial prints off of ‘em. My guess is they’ve fled to the proverbial four winds, hoping to lay low for the rest of their lives. We’ll nab ‘em eventually.”
The microwave dinged and he retrieved his hot water, then pulled a tea bag out of his jacket pocket as he re-seated himself.
Savoie smiled. “I never figured you for a tea guy.”
He unwrapped the bag and with a bit of ceremony dunked it into his cup. “Well, I used to be a coffee guy, but my gut doesn’t agree with the acidity.”
“We do have tea here, you know.” She pointed to the storage bins behind him.
“Yeah, but it’s cheap-ass stuff. The brand I like is expensive, but worth it…” Hanson’s eyes widened as he trailed off.
She raised an eyebrow. “Hanson? Do you smell burnt toast?”
“They couldn’t afford it,” he said in a near-whisper.
Savoie was about to tell him to stop being overly dramatic, then she realized he might be on to something and that she didn’t dare distract him. “Keep talking.”
He leaned forward, his forearms on the table. “Okay. Imagine you’re a hard-bitten mercenary. You’ve been in the literal shit, in every nasty conflict anyone cares to name. Somehow, someone finds you and comes to you. They say ‘hey, these aliens are bad news, do you want to kill them?’ Even if you, as the hypothetical mercenary, are down with the cause…”
“From what the intruders were yelling, they were,” said Savoie.
“Yeah but even then, our mystery financier is asking you to infil and exfil out of one of the most heavily guarded pieces of real estate on the planet. Oh, and kill a bunch of special-forces-maybe and aliens-definitely in between. What do you do then?”
She replied with a grim smile. “If I’m that mercenary, then I ask for a metric fuck-ton of money. And there were four of them, they would have all done the same. Hell, they must have been doing collective bargaining.”
Hanson dunked his tea bag as he thought it through. “Okay, so our mystery mastermind has a lot of money, but not billions on hand to hire a literal army of hard cases. Huh. So those other dipshits might indeed have been a distraction.”
“Maybe. They must have also spent quite a bit on the mortar attack. That wasn’t made by some hobbyist in their bedroom, they knew what they were doing. Given that nobody saw them set up the launcher or leave, they were more pro.” Savoie hoped that the FBI’s efforts to track the various mortar components turned up something soon. Thus far, those efforts were bogged down; as it turned out, quite a few companies had ordered the identified components, and tracking the subsequent second-hand purchases was time-consuming.
“And those mortar-making pros would be more expensive.” Hanson sipped a bit of tea. “Did they ever get anything off of the launcher itself?”
“Sadly, no. Turns out the whole damned thing was homemade, constructed out of tubing and other off-the-shelf components. It was also wiped down thoroughly, no prints. Like I said, pros.”
“But limited in resources,” said Hanson. “Which explains one of the things that’s bugged me. Namely, that our OPFOR didn’t use some proper artillery. If they have a couple of moles in the Secret Service, then it should be easy to recruit and pay some military dudes to slip ‘em some gear and alter the logs. They could stow a howitzer inside a semi-tractor-trailer. You could park that thing anywhere up to 25 miles away. Use a single 155mm Excalibur GPS-guided munition, boom. That would have pretty much obliterated the stage and everyone on it. Then you just re-stow the howitzer and toodle off all innocent-like, right when everyone is freaking the hell out.”
“So they couldn’t afford that type of arty strike,” she said. “Or they simply didn’t have the contacts to pull that off. Hmm. I wonder if our moles are getting paid at all?”
Hanson resumed his thousand-yard stare. “The mortar attack must have been planned first. The other two attacks feel much more like rush jobs.”
“Eh? Oh, I get it. Sadaf’s speech was known well in advance. It was going to be one of her first big public appearances since the initial presidential speech. They were broadcasting it online to the world. Having her get turned into chunky red salsa, in real time, would be one helluva statement. So that’s what they focused on.” She drank a bit more coffee, and now it was time for her eyes to widen. “Our mole or moles didn’t arrive at Camp David until after Sadaf’s speech was announced.”
“That…oh, yeah, that makes sense. Originally the mortar attack is the OPFORs’ only focus, but yet somehow they’ve suborned one or two Secret Service agents and they have ‘em in their back pocket. Then one, or better yet both, of the moles gets assigned to the Camp David detail, and they realize that now that they have a golden opportunity to get at the other aliens as well. So they go off and hire four pros for the actual attack inside, plus a bunch of chucklefucks to act as a distraction, because that’s all they can afford since the four pros are asking for some serious money.”
Savoie leaned forward. “When did Chao and Grakosh leave Camp David?”
“It was, ah, three? No, four days after we got everyone settled, both the aliens and the special forces types.”
“Okay, so then the OPFOR gets word, courtesy of our moles, that one of the aliens is now heading to Alabama. But now they’re stretched so thin that they can’t afford anything other than to hire another bunch of dipshits to make a run at them and hope for the best.”
“And then the second bunch lets the FNG drive.”
They both laughed, but that humor settled down as they both thought through the chain of inference.
“It is pretty thin,” said Savoie at last. “There’s a lot of assumptions in there.”
“Yeah. But I do like the idea of our moles getting assigned at the last minute.”
She rubbed her forehead. “We had a bunch of new people come in when they decided to stow the Rithro crew there. Seven, no eight in all.”
“It’s a place to start,” said Hanson. He finished his tea. “C’mon, let’s see if we can get a meeting with the inquiry board.”
__________
A little while later and not very far away, three people sat in a well-lit but otherwise deadly dull room. At least the chairs were somewhat comfortable. Matt and Martinez sat at two chairs against one wall, while across from them McCoy sat sprawled sideways on another with a foul look on her face. She glowered at the far beige-painted wall. “This completely sucks. Why can’t we have our phones? I could at least play some mahjong.”
“This is a secure location, Corporal,” replied Matt. “Ixnay on the onephays.”
Martinez’s leg jittered. “How long are we gonna sit here? They said they’d call us in, like, an hour ago!”
“Dunno, it’s some kind of last-minute interview thing,” replied Matt with Zen-like calm.
The corporal looked over at Matt. “I don’t get you, man.”
Matt grinned. “Nobody gets me. I’m like the wind, baby!”
“That’s not…I mean, I watched you open up a dude like he was a bag of fuckin’ Doritos using nothing but a fuckin’ knife. Now you’re being all Caine from ‘Kung Fu’.”
“It’s good to know that the classics are still appreciated,” said Matt.
Martinez pointed at him. “If you start calling me ‘Grasshopper’ I will shoot you.”
McCoy turned her glare to the ceiling. “Maybe it’s a psychological test. They want to see if we crack under pressure and start yakking secrets.”
“I mean, I’m sure they’re recording us right now,” replied Matt. “But it’s merely as a precaution. I am also five-nines certain that none of us are suspects. We weren’t integrated into the compound’s overall security, and thus it would be unlikely that we could have let our four attackers in.”
“Not to mention, we were the ones to kill ‘em,” added Martinez. “Well, except for the one that Takh took care of.”
“Yep. This is…I won’t call it a formality, but the board just wants to know where you were and what you saw. Walk them through your personal timelines, understand? Tell them only what you know. If you don’t know something, then say so.”
McCoy turned herself around so that she now sprawled the other way. “This whole bullshit just bugs me. Takh and the others are off with a bunch of strangers and I…I mean, we aren't there to help protect them.”
Matt and Martinez shared a meaningful glance. “From what I heard, Takh is quite capable of taking care of himself,” said the latter with a grin. “You told me he pitched that one dude across the room like he was throwing a softball.”
For once, the petite corporal looked a bit flustered. “Yeah, but, I mean, what if some other potential bad guy gets the drop on him with a gun? I don’t like not being there. I just wanna know that he’s okay. I should be there, just to make sure.”
The smaller man snapped his fingers in the face of the taller, who sighed and took out his wallet. With great ceremony, Matt pulled out a five-dollar bill and placed it upon the now-upraised palm of Martinez.
“Told ya,” said Martinez with a grin.
She sat up and glared at them both. “That doesn’t mean anything! Takh is a good guy!”
“Nobody said he wasn’t,” replied Matt as he stowed his wallet. “He is indeed a good guy.”
“Yeah, seriously, we’re glad you two hooked up,” added Martinez. “Takh’s solid. Hell, I’d let him date my sister.”
“I. Am. Not. Hooked Up. With ANYONE.” McCoy now looked furious enough to chew nails.
Martinez stroked his chin. “Kissing might be a problem, though.”
Matt performed a similar chin-stroking action. “Hmm, indeed, Corporal, I do believe it might be a serious issue. One has all of those mandibles to contend with.” He hooked his fingers next to his mouth in an approximation of an udhyr’s face. “Still, I think that, with enough will and effort, one could figure it out. Like the man said, life finds a way.”
“But how much tongue is he packing?” posed Martinez. “You know what the man also says. Big dude, big tongue. Could make things more interesting, all around.”
The woman did not look amused. “Martinez, Toke? You are now both officially gigantic flatulating assholes.”
“C’mon, McCoy!” protested Martinez. “Think of it this way. A few years from now, let’s say we filthy humans are now part of the Coalition and I’m at some meet ‘n greet, and I just so happen to spy me an oh-so-very-fiiine udhyr mamacita from across the room. Now, I wanna do my bit for my species and approach her, and get some good old inter-species cultural interaction going on. But there’s all sorts of questions. How do I compliment her without insulting her culture? How am I supposed to get in good with her? How do the mechanics work? How do the various bits line up? We need details! You’re at the tip of the spear, we all need good intel!”
McCoy slumped back into her seat. “Over seven hundred billion Dimmadollars of defense spending, and yet somehow I wind up stuck in a room with you two fuckos…oh, by the way, Toke,” she added, pointing a finger at Matt, “why the hell can you and Sarge never go back to Okinawa?”
“Nice distraction, McCoy,” said Martinez. “My guess is some sort of wet-work shit.”
Matt just smiled. “Oh for fuck’s sake, I don’t kill everyone I meet. I was a Second LT at the time, managed to somehow leapfrog my way into officer ranks all the way from enlisted. Anyways, the Okinawa affair was merely a case of, well, one particular case of rye whiskey. The good sergeant…was he a sergeant then? Oh yeah, we had done some other stuff I can’t tell you about in someplace I can’t tell you where, and we were celebrating Shaw getting his third stripe. We’d got ahold of the previously-mentioned case of whiskey and then we began toasting to each other’s good health. We did a lot of toasting. Quite a lot of toasting. As you can imagine, the toasting went on and on until we, um, well we did some unwise things. It started out with us sparring-for-fun with each other in public and escalated from there. No locals were harmed, and nothing we did was hella illegal, or I would’ve never made Captain. Buuut the local government would definitely throw a shitfit if me or, God forbid, both of us set foot back on the island.” He chuckled. “Hell, the Okinawan customs people probably still have both of our pictures taped up inside their booths with a big old sign saying ‘DO NOT ADMIT THIS PERSON, YOU FOOL’ written above them.”
“What did you do?” asked Martinez. His eyes were big and soulful, like a kid asking for yet one more story before bedtime.
Matt shrugged. “I mean, I don’t remember much for obvious reasons. I’m almost sure we didn’t piss on any monuments, that would have definitely been cause for a serious demotion. We did do a number on some shrubbery, that I do remember. We decided it needed to be trimmed back, and so we did so. Using our bare hands. Seemed like a good idea at the time.”
A fearsome light came into McCoy’s eyes. “Martinez, do you know what this means?”
He looked at her all uncertain. “Um, Toke and Sarge have cast-iron livers?”
“No, you fool. Blackmail material.”
Matt pointed back at her. “Hey, now, I told you that in confidence. Besides, Shaw has a lot more to contend with right now.”
The reminder of the sergeant’s current crippled state brought the elevated atmosphere of the room back down. McCoy nodded as her smile faded. “Right. Hey, did you see the Prez’s speech at the UN?”
“Yep,” said Matt. “From what I’ve read, the political wrangling after it seems pretty tame compared to the usual.”
Martinez snorted. “No shit. Did either of you see the laundry list of shit that we might be able to do? Anti-aging, limb regrowth, cancer treatments which work well and which don’t half-kill the patient…hell, maybe even Alzheimer’s could be in our rear-view mirror. The grand high muckity-mucks are falling all over themselves to get that out into the world, for themselves if nobody else.”
“You’re way too cynical, Martinez,” said Matt.
“Oh fuck off. What if…okay, I know this sounds like a cheesy sci-fi concept, but what if they hoard all of the good shit for themselves and we peons get just the crumbs?”
Matt lapsed back into his meditative demeanor. “In that case, my dear corporal, you or I or McCoy or someone like us will show those hypothetical elites that, while they are indeed long-lived, they are not in fact immortal.”
The trio fell into silence for a few minutes. Then Martinez leaned over towards Matt. “Ah, a little birdie told me you were involved in questioning the prisoners we nabbed at Camp David.”
“I merely facilitated certain conversations,” replied Matt.
Martinez sighed. “What the fuck does that mean?”
“Ask me no questions and I will tell you no lies…Corporal.”
McCoy let out a growl. “Well, I heard these terrorist assholes are saying that the Breakers aren’t real, that it’s all fake videos from the Coalition.”
“Just to play devil’s advocate,” said Matt, “our AI image and video generation is already getting to the point where, soon, we puny humans could manufacture such evidence.”
“What?” Martinez looked as if he was about to launch himself at Matt.
Matt held up a calming hand. “I’m not saying it is fake. The Hubble pics are damned convincing.”
Martinez hiked up one foot to place it on his seat, then rested his chin on his knee. “Fuck. I guess it didn’t convince everyone.” He mused for a few moments. “Wait. What if we made it even more convincing?”
“How?” asked Matt.
“We send some humans up to the Rithro. Two or three at least. The boats can still make it up to the ship, right?”
For once Matt looked uncertain. “I think so? Dunno how many times they can come and go without recharging, we’ll have to ask ‘em.”
“Right, so we set up an even better publicity stunt than the Hubble pics. Choose a few people, from all over the world. We have ‘em travel up to the Rithro, take pics and video up close showing the damage. Even take ‘em inside the ship and get a full tour, maybe…if the crew is okay with that, of course.”
“Huh.” Matt sat back and pondered the idea. “That’s a really good idea, Martinez. I guess you aren’t as dumb as you look.”
The corporal responded with a slight smile at the verbal jab. “We’d need to choose the right people, though.”
“They’d have to be trustworthy…or at least someone that the entire world will consider trustworthy,” said Matt.
“Well known,” added McCoy. She no longer looked vengeful. “With recognizable faces and voices, and then they can go on all the talk shows after and say that, yes indeed, I got a tour of the ship and it is indeed quite banged up.”
Martinez stared at the far wall. “Some kind of celebrity? Heh. You think Tom Cruise would be up for it?”
Matt laughed. “That beautiful maniac? Hell, he’d insist on shooting an entire movie up there, with at least one action scene where he’s hanging off of the outside of the ship.”
They all smiled at the resulting mental image.
“Chao could work,” said McCoy into the silence. “She’s kind of a celebrity now. After all, she was the first human to come into contact with aliens, eh?” She gave Matt a big and very un-subtle wink.
To skirt the rather…unconventional methods used to achieve a positive First Contact, Matt’s role had been very much demoted in the official story. Now every recounting of the tale included a bit of ‘…oh, and there was also another person who stumbled across our brave woman in the midst of her attempts at informational exchange with the aliens…” His exact identity was also not published, under the screen of ‘he wishes to remain anonymous’.
“Oh bite me, McCoy, it’s fun,” replied Matt. He waggled his eyebrows. “Besides, I work better in the shadows!” He threw his forearm across his face like a half-assed Count Dracula trying to hide behind his cape.
Then he dropped his arm. “Yeah, Chao would be good as a current social-media darling. Of course, she might not want that. She strikes me as more of the wallflower type, for the most part.”
“We need more people,” said Martinez, as he stared at the floor. “Chao might be good on her own, but she’s got that motor-mouth talking thing when you get her going. It’s one or the other. Either she’s trying to shrink into a corner and take up as little space as possible, or suddenly you’re getting pulled into another corner for a doctoral dissertation on how minimal-energy transfer-orbits work.”
Matt pondered for a moment. “Wait, when did she do that? I never sat through one of those lectures.”
Martinez looked away and…well, Matt hoped that their supposed overlords were indeed recording this particular moment in time because the hard-bitten Hispanic special-forces corporal actually blushed.
McCoy, of course, realized a golden opportunity for payback and immediately pounced. “Why, Corporal Martinez,” she purred. “Doooo tell us. When did Chao Me Chu, heh, pull you into a corner? Hmmm?”
“She’s…she’s just real nice, that’s all,” replied Martinez. “I asked her a couple of questions, and she answered them. That’s all. We both love classic sci-fi, like Asimov and shit. I guess we bonded over that.”
Matt cleared his throat. “Aaaaand may I remind you two and everyone listening in that we have all been cooped up nuts-to-butts for awhile? Don’t mistake familiarity for romantic bullshit.” He pointed over at Martinez. “But you. If you can follow at least half of what she talks about, then you are absolutely without-a-single-fucking-doubt wasted as a corporal, even if you’re in a low-drag high-speed outfit like this. You hear me?”
“Um, yes sir.” It was the first time in McCoy’s memory that anyone had addressed Matt as befitting his perhaps-former rank.
“Good. You get your ass into college, somehow. You’re a smart guy, you’ll figure all that shit out. And as for Chao? Just give it room to breathe. Let her know you’re interested, but don’t press the matter.”
“Let her know?” For once Martinez looked completely lost. “How do I…” he trailed off. “I mean, I like her…and yeah, I mean I like her in that way, but she’s so damn smart and pretty and I’m just some dipshit meathead.”
“Hey, don’t sell yourself short,” said Matt. “You’re our dipshit meathead.”
McCoy’s vengeful smile faded. “Martinez…no, Luca.”
Martinez looked up in surprise at her use of his first name.
She continued. “Just talk to her. Neither of you have any clue as to what ‘normal’ social interactions look like. In your case, it’s because you’ve been a soldier for all of your adult life. In her case, it’s because she’s, well, because she’s Chao. So just walk up to her and be straightforward. Trust me, it’ll be like a breath of fresh air for her to not have to navigate social cues. Just say something like ‘Hey, I really like you, do you like me and do you want to go get a coffee sometime’? Start with that. Chao’s good people, the worst thing she’ll do is say no. She won’t yell at you or talk shit about you online. Buuuut, some sixth sense is telling me she won’t say no to getting some coffee with ya.”
Matt smiled. “McCoy, I think you might have a calling after you leave the military.”
She snorted. “Oh yeah, I’ll hang up my match-making shingle on the internet and start raking in the big bucks. Martinez is right, though. If we try to do a publicity stunt up at the Rithro, then we’ll need somebody alongside Chao to win the world over. Somebody well-known, but preferably someone not in the traditional Western pop-culture sphere. That’ll make it more palatable…”
Her voice trailed off and she stared into space. The two men now looked at each other in genuine concern until she spoke again a few moments later.
“Guys? I think I just had the best idea ever.”

It’s pure insanity himself CHOKING HAZARD!!! Disciple of the old Chaos! Bet none of you saw that coming! What a surprise! Hope you all are having a good time so far! This fanfic is based off the fanfic The isolationists, by Seeyouon_otherside. Constructive criticism is appreciated.
Memory Transcript Subject: Alvaro, Human of the wanderer fleet.
It was great to see Hazard again! Although his speaker had come a bit loose and he was bleeding on me.
“AHAHAH!” Hazard screamed. “Sorry, some of these WONDERFUL cybernetics are still integrating themselves into my body! “
I smiled at that. “You have to tell me about all the new ones you got! I’m sure you made some great improvements.”
He got up and looked at me strangely. Then surprise and anger spread across his face.YOU LIMBS!! YOUR EYES?! WHO DID THIS TO YOU?! I WILL KILL THEM ALL!” Ah yeah kinda forgot about that.
I tried to calm him down. “Don’t worry the people who did this to me are long dead!”
That seemed to calm him down a bit. I realized he got taller! He was now [10 feet] tall! He menacingly laughed again and got up. Then continuing as if nothing had happened. “I have made TONS of improvements, AHAHAHAHAHAHHAH! Come come! Let’s talk in my place, or a part of it that’s more, well clean.” He casually said as he turned on a flamethrower that he did not have installed before and started to burn a random dead Krakotl. He seemingly got lost in the flames light for a bit and his head began to rock back and forth as he hummed to himself. Once the body was nothing but ash he giggled again. “Follow me!”
I turned to give both Leminarc and Anax a thumbs up but they just seemed really uncomfortable. “Ah don’t worry guys he won’t harm you.”
Anax gave me a worried look. “You're sure?”
I smiled gently. “Positive. He’s really gentle with most of his friends.”
Lemon raised an eyebrow. “He thinks of us as his friends?.”
I nodded. “If you travel with me he will consider you a friend yeah.”
With that we continued out of the room and down another hallway passing more bodies, but they noticeably started to clear up the closer we got to what I assumed was his home. There started to be more and more panels taken apart, wires hanging out of the ceiling, walls, and pipes coming out the floor as if he had been modifying the place, which he most likely was. More and more of this became apparent as we got closer. Some sections had been entirely changed to a new look.
“Oh hang on! I forgot!”
Anax’s head whipped around! “Forgot what?”
Hazard then proceeded to shout a series of beeps and whistles with his speaker mouth thing. After that we heard a bunch of beeps come from around the hall. We turned the Corner and were greeted with the sight of ceiling, wall, and floor mounted turrets. All of Arxur design. “When the Feds, ugh Feds funny nickname Hahah, would bring captured Arxur here they also brought all of their weapons and smaller ships and stored them here hehehe.” He began to explain. “This place is even bigger than what the outside tells you and it’s already huge, the largest space station built this side of the known galaxy. It’s quite awesome. They have entire hangars full of fighters, bombers, interceptors, and even four experimental compact light Cruisers that are docked directly into the station. HAHAHAHHA! There pretty neat, they also brought a lot of the Arxur turrets here for study.”
“Wait, wouldn't a station like this have automated security, like turrets and other things?” Asked Lemon.
“HAHAHAHHA! You're smart!” Was Hazards reply. “Yep it does, auto rail guns, cannons, auto turrets, torpedo tubes, all fully automated, but I’ve only been able to get small parts working at a time. It’s taking a while cuz’ this place has better cyber security then any ship I’ve encountered. Also the more digging I did into the files here I actually realized something. This isn’t a medical or research station, it’s a mobile base. For invading other places and territories. HAHAHAHHA! Invasions ahhhhhh, the federation always liked to send their CHILDREN into the slaughter…ugh.”
Hazard then began to say something then randomly chanted something. Stopped moving entirely for a few seconds, then spoke again.
“It wouldn’t surprise me that once the federation dealt with the Axur they would have used stations like this to continue expanding, killing any predator species they came across, until they hit White-outs children’s home system. The second the federation, heheh, threatened them, haha! He would have SLAUGHTERED THE FEDERATION LIKE THE MONSTERS THEY ARE AHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAH THEY NEVER AND WILL NEVER STOOD A CHANCE AGAINST A CHAOS GOD!!! AAAAAHHHHAHAHAHAHHAHAA!
Hazard laughed like a lunatic for about a minute before calming down, Lemon gave me a concerned look, all I could do was manage a shrug. Then Lemon asked. “Who or what is White-out?” I shrugged. “I’d only heard Hazard mention this White-out a few times but only in passing or when killing federation and Dominion members, I believe it’s his religion or something else like that, I’m not totally sure, it could just be Hazard being Hazard. I’m not a hundred percent sure.” We looked back at Hazard. “Ah, White-out, last of his kind. Cheers big man.” He made a ‘cheers’ motion with his hand, then we reached the door to what I could assume was his home. He then spoke, to us I think, again. “Anyhow I’m pretty sure this is the only station like this, which surprises me as this place is extremely effective. It’s almost as if when the federation higher ups realized how effective this place was they stopped making more. It’s extremely odd. HAHAHAH! Ah the federation, stopping things that could stop this war!”
Hazard then opened the door using some kind of keypad. It was…really clean. There were some sort of roomba robots cleaning the walls, ceilings, and floors. The bed was perfectly made. There were photos of a lot of people I did not recognize, mainly human, on the walls. One wall was covered with guns, swords, and other weapons. It was extremely nicely furnished and not something you would expect of a man like Hazard but you always have to be ready for the unexpected with him.
Hazard gestures to some beautifully designed chairs for us to sit in. “You guys find a niiiiiiice seat! I’ll get the drinks and food! What would you like to drink?”
“I’ll have some water please.” Was my response.
Anax and lemon looked at each other then back at Hazard. “I’ll have water too, please.” Anax said.
“…and I’ll have some wine?” Lemon requested.
“Ah sorry I don’t have any wine! I use that stuff and turn it into molotov cocktails but, HAHAHAHA! WATER THE ORIGINAL ESSENCE OF LIFE MUUUAHAHAHAHAHAH! I’ll be right back! With that he turned around and left. Leaving us in the surprisingly nice room.
“Are you sure he's safe?” Asked Anax
I simply smiled at him “Oh I’m positive.”
Hazard soon returned with water for all of us and…meat? “I know what you're thinking. MEAT AHAHHAAH!! Where did you get the meat you are asking?!? Don’t worry! The Feds captured some humans…” his hand tightened around his glass and he stared off into space for a bit then composed himself again. “And took their meat cloning tech but I stole It back, AAAHHHHAHAHAHAHAH! So don’t worry it’s all earth based cattle, pig, sheep, and other farm animals! I’ll tell you more later but Alvaro I just have to hear what you have been doing! How have you been?!”
With that I retold my tale of how I got here, to say that he was expressive would’ve been an understatement. His eye would change to so many colors it was like a rainbow. His armor plates would shift around with his changing mood, rising up with surprise or joy, and forming sharp spikes when angry or frustrated. They would also smooth over whenever he seemingly liked something. “Wow…you have KIDS!!! AHAHHAHA! That’s amazing! I’m so happy for you. You're married too…dude that’s amazing. I’m so glad that you found someone! I can’t wait to meet them AND TEACH THEM THE WAYS OF…uh, oh?” Hazard then looked to his left and spoke in a language that our translators did not understand. He seemed to be fully immersed in a conversation with, whatever or whoever he was talking to even though there was nothing there. After a minute he then stopped and looked back at us. I took this as my cue to continue.
I smiled then asked the question. “How did you end up here?” His smile faded a little.
“Ah, a very good question. When we were captured and I was brought to a re-education camp, they failed to realize how insane I actually was. HAHAHAHAHH! THE BLESSINGS OF CHAOS CONTAINED WITHIN ME ARE A BLESSING OF REALITY AHAHAHHAH! Ah I still hear their screams as I killed them for trying to harm the younger ones there. They had stripped me of my mech suit then so I was just a normal augmented Venlil. I was brought to this station about two earth months ago and had a series of tests on me, OOHHHHH THE THINGS THEY DID AAAHHHHGGG! Anyway thankfully my augments filtered out all of the drugs they tried on me so I was unaffected by them. What they did to the others…it was unforgivable.” Then he got a look of pure focus. It was the most sane I had ever seen him. “What they did to the people here, the children too, they all came from parents that were diagnosed with predator disease, most born on this very station never understanding why they were so abused. I tried so hard to keep them happy. Most ended up being disposed of because the federation was simply done with them. Most saw me as uncle metal, I loved that nickname…”
I reached out to touch him on his shoulder in an attempt to comfort him. “Buddy we don’t have to talk about this if it’s too painful. We can leave it there” He held up his hand to stop me. Then resumed.
“I…remember it was my third month here and I was holding a Kolshan that had been surgically combined with a Tilfish, she was such young girl, and in agony…I held her as she died in my arms. I can still hear her asking the question, what did I do to deserve this? I didn’t have the heart to tell her, she did nothing wrong to deserve it. Then she died.” His glass shattered in his metal hand as he crushed it. “They took her body away. Then they took her apart to figure out why she died. It…it was too much. I Asked White-out what I was doing here.”
Hazard looked down for a moment, then back at us. “Then the answer came. I was brushing a young defective, he was so nice, Arxurs scales, who was also born on the station. They…they took his arms and replaced them with… very small plastic arms…When I heard this horrible wail. Then in the human language Swedish I heard, “don’t hurt her please”, I looked up and I saw two human beings dragged apart by laughing federation exterminators. I…I don’t know we’re they got the humans from…and…I still don’t know what happened. I saw red and the next thing I knew I was standing there over the exterminators, with…with…his halberd in my hand, the deed bringer.” He then opened and closed his hand as if testing to see if whatever he was talking about was still there. I looked at Lemon and Anax and they looked at me. I just shrugged. This was new even for him.
“Then I realized the smart guy was waiting for the humans to show up knowing how I would react. I took his halberd and slaughtered all in my path. I made my way to my suit.” He gestured to the mech suit he was wearing. “And let loose, I could FEEL all the ANGER, THE HATE, THE AGONY that the federation did to the souls around. I felt those souls all around me, unable to enter the next life without revenge, and so I let them into me, to guide my hand in the slaughter, hundreds of angry, hateful, festering souls entered my body.” He breathed in and continued.
“We held nothing back. Every weapon I had at my disposal was used, every shell, bullet, saw, flamethrower. AHAHAHHAHAHAHHA! I could feel the glee and joy from them at every federation personnel that fell and died. Until they were all dead, I felt the souls leave in peace. Then I was surrounded by bodies, blood, and prisoners, hehehhehe. I helped to free them all. Got them to some FTL worthy ships and said good luck. I stayed here to continue cleaning out the place. Then I made this.”
He got up and moved to the other side of the room, and pulled out an extremely large book. It had a tough cover. Made with paper and all. “Per federation rule, they had to photograph every contamination they disposed of over the years, who were the prisoners here. I cataloged every child they killed and put them in this book” It was a big book. He opened it and we got to see all of them, each photo had a name under it, there were about twenty photos per page. There were hundreds of pages. “They were all so young, some only months old. Some had names. Most had numbers. So I gave them names based on their numbers.”
He traced his hand over the pages. “I couldn’t save them…they all deserved life, a true beginning. All they got was some needles poked into them and limbs moved or added, then they were discarded like trash.”
He closed the book gently and brushed his hand over it. “I remained here, drawing in federation ships using distress singles, hacking into their pathetic security. Turning their weapons against each other, causing their FTL drives to self-destruct, killing as many as I could. It was never enough. Now…almost no ships come, you're the first in over a week.” He stopped and put his hands on his head. “I couldn’t save them…” then to my surprise Lemon got up and hugged him, then I did. Anax looked as though he had been mentally hit by a train.
Hazard held us both back and began to rock back and forth, back and forth.
First/Previous/next.

< Previous Episode First Episode
Based on the fourth round of the elimination contest by u/Ok_Dragonfruit_9612
Spoiler tag only for basic character spoilers
Chris: Last time on Total Drama Triple D. Before the morning even started Topher was put out of commission for the day. Too bad, because he missed the epic callback challenge! Teams chose members to do the classic thousand-foot cliff jump into shark infested waters! Some succeeded, some failed and some were just plain old chickens. But don't count your chickens before they hatch, as in the second half of the challenge Cameron helped her team build a proper boat and Lightning paddled the Lions to their first victory. While Sierra straight up threw DJ into the water! Bro, seriously couldn't swim, whatta ya know? In the end The Octopi came in last and voted Sierra out of the competition. Can the Lions keep the wins aloft and will the Narwhals continue to sail on by in this competition. Find out right now on Total Drama Triple D of Danganronpa: Despair Disaster!
[Cut to the boys cabin. Korekiyo sitting on the floor quietly chanting]
Makoto: Hmph…huh?
Korekiyo: Good morning, Mr. Naegi
Makoto: What time is it? Where's Mondo?
Keebo: It's 7:30 in the morning and he left around 6:15.
Shuichi: You've been awake since then, Keebo?
Keebo: No, I was still in sleep mode, but my eyes still record everything and stores it in my memory banks.
Ryoma: So, you are always recording everything that's happened?
Kokichi: Ew, never took you to be a voyeur key-boy, nee hee hee.
Keebo: T-that's not it at all!
Makoto: I'm gonna go look for Mondo-oof oh, sorry Mikan.
Mikan: No, I'm sorry for being in your way please forgive me.
Shuichi: What's up, Mikan?
Mikan: I'm just letting members of your team know that Taka is feeling better. He should be ready to join you all later this morning.
Makoto: Ah, that's great. Thanks for the update, Mikan.
Mikan: If you'd like, you can talk with him, but you'll have to wait until Mondo is done.
Shuichi: Huh, Mondo went to visit Taka?
Kokichi: Hey, no fair. He's part of our team, not yours, Shuichi!
Shuichi: I didn't tell him to go there.
Makoto: Maybe I'll go see how he's doing.
Nagito: Mind if I come along? I must make it up to Taka for causing him so much pain.
Makoto: Sure, I guess it'd be okay.
[Cut to Nagito and Makoto walking to the infirmary tent]
Nagito: I must say we really struggled without him. To think without our Moral Compass, we crumbled as a team.
Makoto: Well, I wouldn't say it was all because we didn't have Taka, but hopefully we can bounce back from this loss.
Nagito: Ah yes, we really do just need to have hope.
Makoto: Right…oh there's Sayaka! Good morning!
Sayaka: Oh yes, good morning, Makoto, Nagito.
Makoto: Is everything okay? You don't seem like yourself this morning.
Nagito: Maybe it is due to the harrowing close loss of yesterday. But cheer up for today is a new day!
Sayaka: Thanks Nagito…I guess. But actually, it's more about Himiko.
Makoto: What's wrong with Himiko?
Sayaka: Well last night she slept on the other side of the girl's cabin. Maybe it was just so she didn't have to sleep with Junko but this morning she's just been really quiet. Even more than usual.
Makoto: Really? What do you think is going on?
Sayaka: If I had to guess, she's probably missing Tenko. I think they were good friends so seeing her leave already is getting to her.
Nagito: Really, this is all about Tenko, huh? Such a shame to see Himiko be hurt by our decision, but it was a decision that had to be made, nonetheless.
Sayaka: If you say so. I dread us coming in last. I worry that my team doesn't see me as a valuable teammate and will vote me off like Tenko.
Makoto: Well, uh, that's not exactly why we voted off Tenko, but don't be thinking like that, Sayaka. You're super talented and they should be proud to have you on your team.
Nagito: Better than having the talent of luck. Much good that did for us last challenge.
Makoto: Yeah…at least here we're not really judged on talent so much.
Sayaka: [giggle] You're right, thank you guys for the confidence boost. I guess Taka's really rubbing off on you, Makoto. By the way have you heard anything about him?
Makoto: Oh, right Mikan said he's feeling better and we're actually on our way to go see him.
Sayaka: Well, then I won't keep you guys. See you later then and tell Taka I'm glad he's feeling better.
Nagito: But you're not on our team. Wouldn't it be beneficial to you if we're down another member?
Sayaka: Ugh, I never liked all this inter-team drama. It's bad enough we have inner team drama with Miu and Fuyuhiko, and now Junko's upset with Himiko. Plus, he's still part of our class, right? Anyway, I've said enough. See you later, boys. [She runs off towards the dining cabin]
Makoto: Bye, Sayaka. [to Nagito] It's strange I never thought about everyone feeling they may not be beneficial to their team. I mean they are Ultimates but I guess talent doesn't matter too much in this competition.
Nagito: But being Ultimates means they'll always have the hope to succeed in any challenge they are faced with. Not like us useless Ultimates with nothing talents. No wonder we lost the last competition.
Makoto: Well, I hope Taka can motivate the team again. Speaking of which, we're here.
Nagito: Interesting, it sounds like he's still not alone in there.
Makoto: Hey, you're right! Is that Mondo?
Mondo: …and then Nekomaru paddled everyone back to shore himself. Bro, it was incredible. To think the big guy finally came through with his wanton speed.
Taka: Sounds absolutely amazing! I really hate that I missed out on such a worthwhile competition.
Makoto: Yeah, we really could've used you.
Mondo: O-oh, hey Makoto, Nagito, what are you doing here?
Nagito: We should ask you the same question. What's a guy from the other team doing talking to our teammate? Trying to weigh in the on competition I see. Figures you'd resort to such underhanded tactics.
Mondo: What'd you say? You think that's how it is?!
Taka: Hold on bro, I'll take care of this. Actually Nagito, Makoto, Mondo here was just recounting everything I missed yesterday. And I appreciate it. Nice to wake up to a bro who's got your back even if we are on different teams.
Nagito: Oh, then my bad for jumping to conclusions. I just came to apologize for causing you harm. Although, it's to be expected when you're around me.
Taka: Apology accepted, Nagito!
Makoto: But Mondo, have you really been here since around 6:15 when Keebo saw you leave the cabin.
Mondo: Well, yeah, I-uh care about the well-being of my classmates is all. Even if we are in a competition. I don't wanna see them get weak, y'know.
Taka: Well put, bro. Plus you've proven to me that even team boundaries shouldn't matter when it comes to supporting each other. This may be a competition, but we're friends first and foremost!
Nagito: Yes, I love it. The kind of inspiration we need from the Ultimate Moral Compass. I can feel the hope in succeeding in this competition rejuvenating us as we speak.
Makoto:.........
Taka:........All right then.
Mondo: Hey, he's your teammate.
[The three laugh as the camera pans to Junko eavesdropping outside]
[Confessional]
Junko: [cutesy] Oh, the hope returns to our team and makes us just the best of friends! [normal] Hgggck! Give me a break! Still there is too much comrade going on. Time for a little sibling talk, like old times.
[End]
[Cut to the girl's cabin]
Sonia: Don't be too late for breakfast, okay Mukuro!
Mukuro: Don't worry, I'm just going to take a quick look around the camp. It won't take long. [Leaves through the door]
Junko: Hey ya, ugly!
Mukuro: Agh, u-uh yes, good morning to you too, sister.
Junko: Hey, no need to be so formal. We're not carrying out anything now, so feel free to take it easy. Call me Junko or Heather if you want. I'm still going to call you ugly though.
Mukuro: Yes, of course Junko.
Junko: So, how are you getting along with your team, huh? Probably the best of friends, right?
Mukuro: Well, we haven't lost a challenge since the first but…
Junko: But you've never won, like my team! So, you wanna be useful to your team then?
Mukuro: I do but everything I do never helps us win, just well, not get last.
Junko: That's because you're playing it too safe, stupid. You gotta play dirty to get ahead, like moi! Just don't get caught, okay. I can't bail your sorry butt out when we're not on the same team.
Mukuro: Play dirty? But how should I do that?
Junko: Hey, you're mildly smart. I bet you could figure it out yourself. Just focus on sabotaging a team to make sure you're not last. Simple as that really
Mukuro: I see….
Junko: Well, that's all I wanted to say. Gotta meet with my amazing team for breakfast now. Bye ya, Mukie! [Walks passed to leave but stops to solemnly say] Don't disappoint me, again.
[Mukuro stands there for a bit after Junko leaves]
Aoi: Oh, Mukuro you're still here?
Mukuro: Huh? What?
Sonia: I thought you were going to take a walk.
Mukuro: Oh yes, I-it was just a quick walk. I'm already back.
Hiyoko: Well then, enough yapping. I'm hungry and we've wasted enough time as it is. Kyoko and Peko are probably already eating by now.
Sonia: Yes, let's do the dipping. Right, girls!
Aoi: [chuckle] Sure thing, Sonia.
Mukuro: Hmhm, yes of course.
[Confessional]
Mukuro: Junko's right, I have been feeling worthless, but still, I can't say my team's completely against me, right? A little sabotage shouldn't hurt anything…
[End]
[Cut to the dining cabin]
Junko: So, my wonderful team, how's everyone doing?
Mikan: Uh um, fine, I guess?
Rantaro: We're kinda down two teammates right now.
Sayaka: I don't think Himiko is going to join us right now. She's still lying in cabin.
Toko: Okay then where is Fake Master?
Tsumugi: [chuckle]
Fuyuhiko: You mean the Byakuya from our class. No clue, the guy just up and left early this morning. Not a word from him but he's been quiet anyway.
Tsumugi: [giggle]
Miu: Alright, four-eyes what's got you so giddy.
Tsumugi: Hmhm, wait for it…
Gonta: Wait for what?
[The dining room door swings open and inside walks Imposter. He is no longer wearing his white suit, but instead has on a red sweatshirt, jean shorts, a black jacket, and a red baseball cap turned backwards.]
Mikan: What the…Byakuya?
[Imposter puts his hand up and then holds them out close together]
Mikan: No sorry… less, right? So just B then?
[Imposter gives a thumbs up]
Tsumugi: What do you think! B asked me to make him this outfit last night. I think it suits his new personality quite well.
Byakuya: Hold it right there. [He gets up from the Rhinos table] I see, so this is your new gimmick, huh? [Studies Imposter] Well, better than thinking you could possibly be me.
Toko: So true, no one could ever replace Master.
Chris: Good morning, campers! I hope you're all rested and ready for today's challenge. Hmm, it seems most of the teams are missing some people.
Akane: Did Nagito hurt Taka and Makoto this time?
Kaede: Akane!
Taka: Don't worry Octopi, I have arrived with the others ready and raring to start a new day!
Kaede: Taka! Thank goodness you're feeling better.
Ibuki: We absolutely missed you! Topher's team was totally falling apart with you.
Keebo: Well, I wouldn't say that, but we were a little unstable without your guidance.
Chris: That's great for you guys, but enough with the reunion, I'm trying to get this show going. Topher, Cody, Harold and Brick take your seats. So that only leaves…Narwhals where's Staci?
Sayaka: She's...uh, not feeling well. I mean she's not sick, but I don't think she's up to being with us today.
Chris: Like I care about your personal feelings and neither do the viewing audience. Chef, go bring Staci her-
Himiko: Don't bother…Nyeh, I'm here now.
Chris: Great! Now we can finally get this challenge started. I feel like we've wasted nine minutes on pointless stuff.
Tsumugi: Himiko, are you alright?
Himiko: I'm fine, okay. I was just…. Nyeh, getting hungry that's all. Guess I was needed here anyway.
Chris: Indeed, because we're about to begin the next challenge. It's another Flashback Challenge: The Talent Competition!
Nagito: Oh my, a Talent Competition, with the most talented people in the world. How exhilarating.
Chris: Exactly. I've been watching you all and noticed you're pretty much freaks of nature when it comes to talent, so I thought it'd fit this group the best. However originally this competition just had teams pick three members to perform individually. This time you have to pick at least three members to perform together! Use your freaky talents to make one big display which Chef and I will grade not just on the impressiveness of the talent but also the cohesiveness of the members performing. So, get to choosing your performers. The competition will start in three hours.
Korekiyo: A question, Chris. You said at least three of us must perform but could there be more?
Chris: Sure, if more of you want to embarrass yourselves go for it. Let's just say no more than five to not crowd up the stage. Now hurry, times a wastin!
[Team Raging Rhinos]
Sonia: Alright team, let's first decide who's going to be performing.
Hiyoko: I could do a dance if the rest of you want to perform around that.
Kyoko: Ideally, it'd be one of us who has a more concrete and flashy talent. So unfortunately, I would be no help as a detective here.
Byakuya: I wouldn't want to help even if I could. Performing is for the peasants who can't get ahead in life.
Sonia: While I don't share the same sentiments as Byakuya, I don't believe being an Ultimate Princess is going to be too flashy of a talent here either.
Kazuichi: I could definitely build something to go along with someone else's performance.
Sonia: Oh, how about Gundham putting on a show with his Dark Devas.
Gundham: Speak not, Dark Lady, for the Devas do not trifle with the mediocrity of carefree showmanship.
Yasuhiro: Come on man, just have them do flips around Hiyoko while she's dancing or something.
Hiyoko: Ew gross! I don't want those filthy hamsters anywhere near me when I dance.
Gundham: You dare insult the cleanliness of my Devas! I'll have you know they not only know how to clean themselves of filth from this dimension but several beyond as well!
Leon: Dude chill, no one's insinuating anything about your hamsters.
Aoi: I doubt we could get a swimming pool on that stage.
Sonia: No, probably not. Peko, Mukuro, do you have any thoughts?
Peko: Well, my skills with a sword could be considered performative, but I'm not sure how well it'll fit with Hiyoko's dancing.
Mukuro: I don't suppose we have any guns or knives around. Those are really the only thing I'm good with.
Yasuhiro: Well, I'm not sure about guns, but there's probably some knives in the kitchen.
Hiyoko: Knives, with my dancing?! How's the even going to work dumb[bleep].
Yasuhiro: H-hey, I'm just trying to help. No need to get so hostile.
Kazuichi: I bet we could think of some way to tie it all together.
Byakuya: I'd say it's worth a shot. Let both of the weakest links fail together.
[Confessional]
Byakuya: I'm not truly sure who's the weakest link in our team. The annoying dancer was definitely it at first, but recently the soldier girl hasn't been very useful in challenges, always falling short. No better way to weed them out then put their talents against each other, I'd theorize. And if we lose, it'll be obvious who to vote out.
[End]
To be continued

Hold your horns, here comes Spyro!

Spyro the Dragon is, as the name suggests, a young dragon. Over the course of the series, he goes on many adventures. That's basically everything.
This RT only covers the classic timeline, and not The Legend of Spyro or Skylanders.

Dragon Breath

General Strength

• Breaks a sign
  
• Breaks urns
  
• Breaks chests
  
• Breaks barrels
  
• Breaks small windmills
  
• Breaks dune buggies
  
• Breaks flying beds
  
• Breaks boats
  
• Breaks planes
  
• Breaks a crystaline enemy
  
• Breaks a cage
  
• Blasts a metal container until it explodes
  
• Blasts a hedgehog into a stone statue hard enough to destroy it
  
• Blasts enemies into the air
  
• Blasts a sheep high into the air
  
• Blasts Ripto high into the air, SINGING his CAPE
  
• Knocks out some large sea serpents
  
• Knocks out an elephant
  
• Knocks bombs into the air
  

Fire Breath
One of Spyro's most notable abilities is breathing fire. Metal enemies are resistant to fire, but can be defeated by charging, while enemies that are too big to be charged can be knocked down with a fire attack (as seen here)

• Sparx states that Spyro's fire is at least 7800 degrees Fahrenheit
  
• Ashes Toasty's costume, scorching the grass underneath
  
• Ashes a haystack
  
• Ashes a large pencil
  
• Ashes some tents
  
• Ashes a painting
  
• Ashes a cuckoo clock
  
• Ashes a large mushroom
  
• Ashes thick thorns
  
• Ashes a gear
  
• Ashes Rhynocs, killing them
  
• Burns a tree black
  
• Burns a cactus black, which then explodes
  
• Burns a large, magic plant, causing it to revert into a seed
  
• Melts candle wax instantly
  
• Melts a block of ice a fairy is trapped in without hurting the fairy
  
• Melts a large block of ice
  
• Vaporizes a snowman
  
• Destroys two sausages and fries a dragon's facial hair
  
• Scorches Dr. Shemp's rear, sending him fleeing in pain
  
• Scorches Bianca
  
• [Burns N. Tropy, N. Brio, and N. Gin]()
  
• Fires a cannon
  
• Fires a rocket
  
• Lights a large candle
  
• Lights lighthouses
  
• Keeps "sun seeds" lit, from which a new sun can be grown
  
• Regrows a tree, somehow
  

Ice Breath
Originally, Spyro could only breathe frost with a superfreeze powerup, or altering the magic that lets him breathe fire, but in later games he gained the ability to breathe it naturally.

• His ice breath freezes monsters that are only weak to sub-zero temperatures
  
• Can freeze enemies in blocks of ice
  
• Freezes cats in large blocks of ice (along with a hockey player) while playing cat hockey
  
• Freezes a monster and his metal periscope solid, then shatters it
  
• Freezes Hunter solid
  
• Freezes a firefly that was too hot for Bianca to touch
  
• Freezes a water fountain into an ice sculpture
  
• Shapes a puddle of water into a platform
  
• Freezes a jet of water into a pole to swing on
  
• Chills a giant glass of lemonade
  
• Uses a powerup to boost the power of his freeze breath to freeze large amounts of shallow water
  
  • In later games can do this with his regular freeze breath

Electric Breath
Originally, Spyro could only use electric breath (also known as "lightning breath") with a powerup, but later gained the ability to breathe it naturally. It's effective on metal enemies and objects

• Shocks and overloads a robotic enemy
  
• Breaks the lock on a gate
  
• Starts up a navigational system
  
• Powers an energy cannon
  

Wind Breath
Spyro has the ability to breathe out powerful gusts of wind.

• Propels himself on a large frozen block of ice
  
• Can create miniature tornadoes
  
• Can charge up lightning-powered tornadoes
  

Water Breath
Spyro has the ability to breath out a spray of water. Unlike his other breath attacks, he cannot injure enemies with this, only push them back

• Pushes a water wheel
  
  • Spins a much larger wheel with a short blast

Other

• Spyro can use bubble breath to catch dragonflies and send them home
  
• Spyro can shoot bombs based on his breath types
  

Magic and Equipment

Superflame
With a fairy's kiss, or another special powerup, Spyro temporarily gains the Superflame ability. This allows him to breathe fire which is more powerful than his regular flame breath. It can either be breathed like normal, or be shot like a projectile, depending on the game.

• Capable of destroying metal spiders that Spyro could not defeat before
  
• Capable of destroying ghostly metal knights and large metal doors, as well as destroying chests which normally require alternative methods to open
  
• Capable of destroying chests which Spyro cannot break open normally
  
• Capable of destroying UFOs
  
• Capable of destroying large planters
  
• Capable of blasting large animals high into the air
  
• Capable of shooting fire underwater, strong enough to destroy metal sharks
  

Supercharge
Spyro can supercharge on special supercharge ramps (or with the help of special gates), allowing for a much faster and more powerful charge. Spyro runs so fast in this form he burns with red, then purple fire, and can smash a type of chest which he is incapable of charging through normally

• Spyro is invincible during supercharge
  
• Spyro can cross great distances by supercharging
  
• Charges through metal spiders which he could not before
  
• Charges through large metal doors
  
• Charges through cars
  
• Charges through several stone podiums
  
• Charges through a small windmill
  
• Charges through a large metal pumpkin
  
• Charges through a thick, cracked wall of ice
  
• Can charge through reinforced steel doors which can only otherwise be broken by a cannon shell
  
  • Demonstrated here

Wing Shield
Spyro has the power to shield himself with his wings and reflect attacks. It can reflect blunt objects but not piercing attacks

• Deflects a boomerang

Shadow Amulet
The Shadow Amulet is a powerful artifact which can refine and focus Spyro's magic

• Allows him to travel between the "real" world and the shadow world by standing on specific portals
  
  • He can use this to pass through barriers- but not if they are made of iron
• Can move objects with telekinesis
  
  • Opens a gate
  • Moves a stone block
  • Moves a platform
  • Moves a large platform
• Can cast a shock spell to shoot electricity
  
  • Demonstrated here
  • Knocks out the powerful dragon Red in one hit
• Can cast a cyclone spell to attack multiple enemies
  
  • Demonstrated here
• Can banish shadow creatures
  
  • Demonstrated here
• Can turn into an egg
  
• Can concentrate to divine the location of people in trouble
  
• Can teleport between teleport pads
  

Weapons

• Throws Molotov cocktails at Crash Bandcicoot to damage the wall he is on and can repair parts of his own wall
  
• Uses a bouncy ball to take out some enemies
  
• Picks up bullets from Bentley and shoots them out by spitting them, in normal and acidic explosive varieties
  

Vehicles

• Operates a weaponized vehicle
  
• Pilots a UFO
  
  • Another UFO
• Rides a magnetic contraption
  
• Rides a trolley around a dangerous track with no trouble
  
• Rides a roller coaster with a cannon attached
  
• Performs sick skateboard tricks
  
• Rides a rocket skateboard that gains fuel the more tricks he performs
  
• Rides a demolition hovercraft
  
• Rides a speedboat with a missile launcher
  
• Rides a weaponized manta ray underwater
  
• Rides a missile-launching submarine that can move through acid
  
• Rides a turret on tank treads courtesy of Agent 9, as well as a hovercraft with energy blasters
  
• Borrows Moneybags' shark-proof submarine
  
• Takes a ride on Hunter's remote-controlled plane with machine guns
  
• Rides a tank
  
• Rides a honey tank
  
• Flies a military plane
  
• Rolls around in a giant ball
  

Other

• Can spit fireballs
  
• Chases an evil spirit out of a statue by torching it
  
  • Defeats other spirits by blasting them with fire
• Can use chi attacks by flapping his wings, which can break magical shields
  
  • Demonstrated here
• Can free dragons that have been encased in crystal by Gnasty Gnorc
  
• Can temporarily fly freely with a flight powerup
  
• Can jump high into the air with a spring powerup
  
• Has a powerup which temporarily makes him invulnerable
  
  • Can walk across lava unharmed with an invulnerability powerup, as well as walk on acid
• Can spit plasma balls with a plasma ball powerup
  
• Drops a cage on Nina Cortex
  
• Can see hidden teleporters with special glasses
  

Sparx

Sparx is the dragonfly that follows Spyro, helping and protecting him, usually by collecting gems for him. His color changes depending on his health. He can also point in the direction of nearby gems.
Shooting

• Defeats some crawdads
  
• Blasts some starfish
  
• Shoots an electric eel
  
• Blows up a giant crawdad with sustained fire
  
• Defeats a large spider with sustained fire, then a giant spider
  
• Destroys a large insect with sustained fire
  
• Destroys a large bee with sustained fire
  
• Destroys a large, regenerating centipede with sustained fire
  
• Defeats a large manta ray with sustained fire
  
• Destroys a large, metal-covered beetle with sustained fire
  
• Destroys metal robots
  
• Destroys some kind of light fixture
  
• Destroys an anthill
  
• Breaks a flowerpot
  
• Blows up a box
  
• Pushes a propeller with his shots
  

Butterflies

• Eating butterflies can restore Sparx's health, but eating certain butterflies will give him special powerups
  
  • Rapid-fire powerup
  • Spread fire powerup
  • Homing firework powerup
  • Splitting powerup
  • Shield powerup

Abilities

• Can attack by charging, doing essentially anything he can do with a shot
  
• Can attack with bombs
  
• Can attack with missiles
  
• Sparx will flash to let Spyro know that he is near a portal
  
• Capable of speech
  
• Keeps up with Spyro
  

Strength

Charging

• Charges poles to knock gems off the top
  
• Charges coconut trees to shake coconuts out of them
  
• Charges a monster into a gong, knocking it out
  
• Charges a sheep into the air
  
• Charges enemies into the air
  
• Charges through heavily armored enemies, breaking their armor
  
• Charges through snowmobiles
  
• Charges through a robot
  
• Charges large, armored enemies backwards on slippery ice
  
• Charges large, stone Earthshapers backwards a fair distance
  
• Charges the large monster Buzz back repeatedly
  
• Charges the large Ineptune backwards, pushing her through water and shattering the structure she hits
  
• Charges into charging bulls, sticking their horns into the ground
  
• Charges into a birdcage, breaking it apart
  
• Charges rolling metal barrels, knocking them backwards
  
  • Charges a metal barrel across an arena
• Charges bombs across an arena
  
• Charges a giant bomb into the water
  
• Charges through large wooden crates
  
• Charges through metal chests that cannot be broken with fire
  
• Charges through Metalhead's power poles
  
• Charges through a stump
  
• Charges through a large shell
  
• Charges through a pile of rocks
  
• Charges through a large door
  
• Charges through a wall of wood planks underwater
  
• Charges through a brick wall
  
• Charges through a stone wall
  
• Charges through a large, cracked crystal
  
• Charges through a cracked stone wall underwater
  
  • Another one
• Charges through thick, cracked stone
  
  • Another one
• Charges through thick rock
  
• Charges through a large rock
  
• After having a spell cast on him to make him stronger, Spyro can charge through rocks that he could not break before
  

Headbashing

• Headbashes the ground, breaking a large rock and a metal vase without even touching them
  
• Headbashes a metal covering
  
• Headbashes rock shells that some hippos were trapped in
  
• Headbashes a boulder to pieces
  
• Headbashes an Earthshaper to pieces after Hunter stuns it with a magic arrow
  
• Headbashes a stuck elevator to get it moving again
  
• Headbashes a thick layer of ice
  
• Headbashes a thick layer of stone
  

Spitting

• Eats and spits out a projectile hard enough to defeat an enemy
  
• Spits out a baseball hard enough to activate a dunk tank
  
• Spits a rock at a target hard enough to make it explode into pieces
  

Other

• Butt-stomps a TV to crush it
  
• Body-slams a large stone "R" statue
  
• Turns a cannon
  
• Wins a tug of war against an enemy
  
• Balances three stone slabs on his head
  

Agility

Mobility

• Can double jump
  
• Can charge for an extra burst of speed
  
• Can glide and hover, as well as fly freely in certain areas.
  
• Can swim and charge underwater indefinitely
  
• Can swing from horizontal poles
  
• Can kick off walls to wall jump
  
• Can climb and jump up ladders
  
  • Dodges falling lava rocks while climbing up ladders

Movement

• Keeps up with Sparx
  
• Outruns collapsing floor
  
• Catches up to and flames Bianca
  
• Jumps out of the way of Ineptune's breath attack
  
• Jumps out of the way of Nina Cortex's charge
  
• Can jump over blasts from paintball guns
  
  • Of note, in the original game, these are real guns that fire bullets
• Can jump over gatling gun fire from enemy dinosaurs
  
• Can jump over energy shockwaves from Crush's jumps
  
• Can jump over the shockwaves of force from Gulp's jumps
  
• Can jump over gusts of wind blown by Rhynocs
  
• Dodges a surprise energy bolt
  

Other

• Quickly turns a crank to shred up a block of solid ice
  
• Quickly cranks a device to put out a fire
  

Durability

Blunt Force

• Is barely phased by charging into an unyielding object, or even supercharging into walls
  
  • Is unphased by headbashing through large rocks
• Unhurt by being shaken and thrown by a large snowman
  
• Gets stomped on by a woolly mammoth and is fine later
  
• Falls an unclear distance
  

Explosive

• Withstands an explosion that destroys a gate
  
• Unhurt by firing himself out of a cannon
  

Temperature

• Can swim in water covered by thick ice
  
• Unhurt by running through a burning campfire
  

Swallowing and Spitting

• Can swallow and spit out burning lava rocks without injury
  
• Can swallow and spit out acidic, smoking rocks without injury
  
• Can swallow and spit rockets out of his mouth
  

Other

• Resists a magic-draining magic that even the Dragon Elders were powerless against

Skill

Hockey Skill

• Perfects a two-on-two hockey game by eating and spitting out the puck
  
• Beat a Rhynoc in cat hockey so badly that he retired from hockey permanently
  

Combat Skill

• Learns dragon-kata from a martial arts expert and is described as having a natural talent.
  
  • He learned it quickly enough to impress his teacher
• Can target weak points on an opponent's body for increased damage
  
• Defeats ninja Rhynocs
  

Misc Skill

• Carries a live duckling in his mouth without injuring it
  
• Shreds electric guitar
  

"I thought that dragons had all been dead for a thousand years, or something."
"Well, the rumors about our extinction were slightly exaggerated."

"Oh, Spy Fox? You're going to be busy on this rescue mission. Should I call the Spy Academy and tell them to cancel the weapons class you're going to teach?" "What? You're going to tell them that Spy Fox doesn't have class? They'll never believe you."
A spy working for Spy Corp, Spy Fox is one of several agents sent into the field to foil the schemes of supervillains, be they seeking to rid a certain food from the market, bring governments to their knees with an enormous robot dog, destroy the ozone layer so they can profit on incredibly strong sunscreen, or just thieves stealing cheese from a museum. Alongside the administrative help of Monkeypenny and the various gadgets of Professor Quack, Spy Fox inevitably saves the day while barely ever opening his eyes more than halfway or removing his hands from the pockets of his white suit.

Legend

1 - Spy Fox in: Dry Cereal
2 - Spy Fox 2: Some Assembly Required
3 - Spy Fox 3: Operation Ozone
CC - Spy Fox in: Cheese Chase
HtM - Spy Fox in: Hold the Mustard
Web - Spy Fox promotional content from the Humongous Entertainment website accessed through the Wayback Machine, accessible here

Strength

Striking

• Claims he normally karate chops doors open, but can't do it to one made of steel¹
• Knocks away a rhino and an elephant by spinning with skis as he passed them²
• Crumples the roof of a car by jumping onto it^CC

Lifting

• Lifts a large rooster over his head and swings him about¹
• Holds up a 'Really Big Award' at arms length³
• Holds an anvil, a safe, and an anchor at arm's length while falling¹
  • Also does this with a taxi cab and a small tank¹

Other

• Catches himself from falling with one hand before throwing himself into the air with that hand²
• Catches himself from falling by biting onto a platform³
• Ski jumps a great distance onto a passing plane²
• Unaffected by a net as he skis through it²

Durability

Blunt Force

• Is seemingly beaten up off-screen and thrown away¹
• Rides a rocket skateboard through a door³
• Launched through a ceiling, causing a large amount of clatter through other obstacles off-screen after²
• Repeatedly slammed against a table while having a massage²
• Bounces off of his head without reacting²
• Kicked high into the air by a robot and falls back to the ground¹
• Hit by a giant sticky object and is trapped to it while it bounces / rolls along with enough force to shatter stone pillars, before falling down the stone steps outside the temple³
• Repeatedly slammed by an enormous powder puff³

Falling

• Skis down a sheer surface, on a short roof, and along the ground without any reaction²
• Drops from a gyrocopter onto his scooter held within a dumpster^CC
• Jumps from cable car to the ground below, rolling down a hill as a snowball, before hitting the doorway of a cabin and emerging unharmed²
• Slides down a ladder from the mouth of a mech dog before jumping off at the end, landing unharmed²
• Falls down a great distance onto a caravan, crumpling it, and is unharmed^CC

Other

• Unaffected by his ice skates exploding while being worn²
• Gets whipped, folded into a paper airplane, and bundled into a ball while being given a massage²
• Blown back by sound without harm³

Speed

• Whisks his foot away before a snapping turtle can bite it¹
• Dodges a boxing glove defense system when the direction it would punch in wasn't clear until it fired²
• Dashes short distances quickly³
• In an instant runs from the Caped Cod, picks up a child fan, and runs back²
  • This is the distance he covered²
• Runs in the air to get back to land before falling in water¹

Skill

• Briefly juggles²
• Bowls a strike³
• Has the agility to flip about¹
• Balances on a tiny flying device²
• Flips a switch on the ground into his pocket²
• Somehow steals the remote for King Konglomerate's rocket while going straight from his ship to a lift into the rocket's room^HtM
• Using an instructional book, defeats a Cock-A-Doodle-Fu master with a counter move, then ties him up while holding him above his head¹
• Won the Spy Corp Freestyle Ski Jump Competition²
• Can dance the foxtrot, waltz, and tango²

Suit

• His suit has deep pockets, described as being able to hold 'a nearly unlimited number of items' in Operation Ozone³
  • Holds a small trash bag inside of it²
  • Pockets a jumpsuit¹
  • Pockets a frog suit, shown here in its full size worn by Spy Fox¹
  • Pockets a large venus fly trap and its pot, with some effort²
• One of his suits has a parachute in it¹

Spy Watch

• Allows him to contact and be contacted by Monkeypenny back at their mobile base¹
• Connects to a bug he placed in a cat's handbag as she speeds away in a sports car¹
• Records and sends a villain's monologue about his plan²
• Gets sent and stores coordinates¹
• Prints a three fruit code transmitted to it²
• Can play games²
• Also functions as a watch³

Spy Gadgets

Spy Fox can carry up to four of these at a time.
Combat-Focused

• The Spy Trap, a coin which traps explodes into a net to trap three or more enemies on the ceiling¹
  • Used here¹
• Sticky Stun Bun, which explodes to stun everyone within ten feet, "Leaving them dazed ad confused for weeks" according to the inventor³
  • Used here, sending the minions around it flying back into the air and trapping them against a wall with caramel³
• Bagpipes which spray a large amount of smoke. This smoke appears to have an adverse affect on people inhaling it, possibly stunning them, as Spy Fox dons a gas mask before walking through³

Wearables

• Duck Blind, a hat which renders the wearer invisible to ducks³
  • Used here, but it's destroyed after a period of use³
• Night Vision Shoe, a shoe that acts like night vision goggles¹
  • Used here¹
• Hush-Hush Moccasians, shoes which allow him to walk extremely quietly so even a room full of goons with 'oversized ears' don't notice him^Web
• Dehydrated Skis, a pair of skis inside a tiny pill which grow when put in water²
  • Used here²
• Spy Skates, a pair of ice skates which allow the user to perform any ice skating routine when their instructions are placed within the skates²
  • Used here, blowing up after use²
• Gopher Guise equipped with Extra-Strength Earth Moving Claws, letting him quickly dig through overhanging roots and caved in tunnels underground^Web
  • Is biodegradable^Web
• Suction Cufflinks, tiny suction cups for climbing across non-porous metal surfaces¹
  • Used here, increasing in size and letting Spy Fox climb across a sheer metal wall¹

Mechanical

• Alarm Deactivator, an elaborately described piece of equipment for ensuring alarms don't go off which is actually just two alligator clips connected by a wire²
  • Used here²
• Cheese and Safe Cracker Kit, which uses very scientific processes to determine the combination of a safe¹
  • Shown here¹
• Fingerprint Replicator Utensil Kit, a fork which copies the fingerprints of whoever wields it and sends them to the paired spoon²
  • Used here, working through a glove²
  • The spoon can be used on handprint identifying device²
• Spy Key Replicator Kit, a camera which takes a photo of a key, the photo being put into an oven to shrink and take the form of that key. If the wrong key is made, it can be inserted back into the camera and turned back into film, as it can only store one shot at a time²
  • Used here taking a photo, being baked, and the resultant key being used to open a door²
• Stealth Vac, a silent vacuum²
  • Used here, sucking liquid from a machine into it without alerting the supervillain right next to it²
  • Later blows the liquid into an identical machine equally quietly²
• Spy Toaster, which launches whatever spy is within it 20 feet into the air³
  • Used here³
• The Insta-Jack, a tiny red pill which turns into a hydraulic lift when thrown to the ground^Web
• The Artful Articulator device, which would allow him to understand a person muffled due to being trapped with cotton candy and maple syrup^Web
• Rocket Powered Origami Skateboard, which originally takes the form of a single piece of paper but with three simple steps folds into a skateboard propelled by a rocket with enough force to break a Spy Fox hole in a door³
  • Works over water, sending Spy Fox a great distance into the sky while going up a ramp, and has the wheels fall away to let him gently slide down a hill of sheep³
  • Crumples to nothing after a while³
• Spy Pearl Detector, which scans over a bed of oysters, the light on top flashing faster the closer it is to a pearl³
  • Used here, giving a camera view inside the oysters³
• Spy Bowling Ball, rolled towards a bowling pin to capture it and whatever's attached to it, bringing it back to Spy Fox³
  • Used here on a duck tied up to look like a bowling pin³

Destruction

• Laser Toothbrush and Minty Fresh Laser Gel, used together to cut through thick steel¹
  • Shown here, blowing up after use¹
• Termite Grenade, a grenade with termites for destroying a wooden object²
  • Used here, turning a wooden statue of a man to a large pile of dust in an instant²
• Rust Buster, a one-use spray can which makes whatever metal object it covers become rusted and brittle to the point of falling apart³
  • Used here, rusting four large saw blades and allowing Spy Fox to blow them away immediately after. Using it destroys the can³
• A drilling device made of extra-strength paper-mâché and coated with a hi-tech polymer, used to drill through multiple feet of ice^Web

Other

• Grappling Granny, a grappling hook which latches onto wood with a pair of false teeth³
  • Used here³
• Swiss Spy Knife, containing a fork, a toothpick, and a pair of chromium-alloy high tensile strength wire cutters that can cut through sheer metal³
  • The wire cutters easily snip through a steel net which the Swiss Spy Knife's fork snapped on³
• Spy Putty, used to create a perfect copy of whatever it's pressed against¹
  • Used to copy an invitation and get past a doorman after being inspected, when the original invitation had a golden edge, a wax seal, and was expensively embossed and hand written¹
• Beef Flavour X-Ray Gum which is held up against 'something beefy' to show inside it¹
  • Shown here¹
• Spy Heat, heat in a can²
  • Used here, making a giant thermometer read over 150 degrees Fahrenheit, but the can is destroyed after use²
• Canned Laughter, a grenade which fills the area its thrown into with laughter³
  • Used here³
• Handcuffs disguised as a large, frosty beverage^CC
• Hair growing cream^Web
• Extra-Glittery Ball o' Foil Stuffed with Catnip, an extra-glittery ball of foil stuffed with catnip used to distract a cat supervillain while syllables away from world domination^Web
• Spy Mint, a minty fresh mint which glows in the dark to light areas up, also working underwater³
  • Used here³
• Spy Ear, a glass which allows the user to listen through solid glass³
  • Used here³
• His organization used a device to create a smoke screen or mirage of a fake factory in front of every limburger cheese factory in the world, though it's unclear whether Spy Fox himself helped use it^Web

Pens

A variety of items potentially held within pens in the opening of Dry Cereal. He holds four in his suit pocket.

• Balloon filled with something that isn't helium¹
• A whoopie cushion which is thrown to the ground beneath him, allowing him to land without any injury¹
• A pogo stick, nullifying any harm from falling by landing on it, though it rockets back into the air once Spy Fox steps off¹
• A cake¹
• Fishing rod used to slow his descent by latching onto a nearby helicopter¹
• An anvil¹
• An anchor¹
• A safe¹
• A taxi cab¹
• A small tank¹

Other Items

• Owns Goldi-lock pickers, which he claims would let him easily open a locked metal door he'd find impossible to unlock without²
• A digital make up compact intercepted by Spy Corp, which displays the required response to a stated codephrase when the appropriate section is pushed down³
• A jackhammer, a crowbar, and a blowtorch³
• A rabbit and his Spy Corp I.D.³
• An oven glove²
• A Gyrocopter, flown by him and Professor Quack with a spotlight^CC

Spy Car

A car with a variety of functions driven in Dry Cereal and Operation Ozone.
Physicals

• Bounces off from a fall¹
• Drops from Spy Corp's mobile base after being repaired³
  • The distance it fell³
• Can drive between continents in a short span of time. Exactly how it does this is unclear, but it's seen dropping from the sky and driving directly vertically³
  • How long this takes also isn't known, but multiple trips to all continents is required and the game takes place over the course of several hours³

Forms

• Becomes a jet to fly off¹
  • Takes a similar form to boost himself up and across a gap¹
• Becomes a helicopter¹
• Becomes a boring machine with a drill appearing from the front, creating a tunnel through rocks blocking off a road¹
• Turns into a submarine, complete with periscope, before jumping out of the water¹
  • A similar form which just withdraws the wheels and creates propellers from the back³

Other Equipment

• A long arm to pick up and drop off Spy Fox¹
  • Rescues a falling Spy Fox using this³
• Inflates padding beneath it after falling off a cliff¹
• A parachute¹
• A radar which follows a trail left by another spy¹

Super Duper Spy Scooter

A multi-environment scooter which is initially stored within a dumpster before being used throughout Cheese Chase.^CC
Physicals

• Breaks wooden barriers by riding through them^CC
• Shatters fences by driving into them^CC
• Rides through barrels, shattering them^CC
• Badly dents metal pipes by hitting them^CC
• Knocks other vehicles about^CC
• Travels over whirlpools, just making the scooter spin a bit^CC
• Covers a notable distance after riding up a ramp^CC
• Quickly drives down a building and speeds from it into the foreground^CC

Forms

• Shifts from a land scooter to a speedbike^CC
• Turns from a jet ski to a snowmobile^CC
• Goes from being a snowmobile to a jet flying through the air^CC
• Transforms between its flying and scooter forms^CC

Weapons

• Can pick up from crates and fire forwards plungers, pies, and two bananas simultaneously. All of these are capable of the same strength feats^CC
• Topples over quad bikes^CC
• Sinks a small enemy ship^CC
• Buries twin tread snowmobiles^CC
• Takes down larger snowmobiles with a front ski and two large back treads, burying them in the snow^CC
• Shoots similar jets out of the sky^CC

M.E.S.S.

The Multiple Environment Spy Ship, a mobile ship Spy Fox uses to fly around in Hold the Mustard.
Blaster
The main weapon, capable of destroying large robots with a single blast.^HtM With a significant amount of blasts, it can destroy:

• A large metal transmitter^HtM
• A significant amount of stone^HtM
• The front of an airship^HtM
• The enormous metal jaw of a ship^HtM

Power Ups

• Homing missiles^HtM
• A shorter range blast which releases a burst of red energy around it, destroying all nearby robots^HtM
• Makes the ship invincible for a period, capable of running through robots without injury but still risking damage and destruction from walls^HtM
• One token fully heals the M.E.S.S.^HtM
• Extra lives^HtM

Other

• Highly maneuverable^HtM
• Bashes off of walls, but takes damage^HtM
• Can travel underwater, using air instead of fuel, which replenishes on breaching the surface^HtM
• Through booster rockets, can travel to and fly about in space^HtM
• Refuels by flying through floating gates^HtM
• On the ship's destruction, ejects Spy Fox in a floating capsule^HtM
• Had an upgrade, the Super M.E.S.S., which repeatedly bashes against a force field with seemingly no injury, has enough space for multiple agents, and is equipped with a can opener to cut open a space base³

Other

• Translates hieroglyphics from an ancient language, though what they translate to is rather self-evident¹
• Doesn't shift gears in his cars while in pursuit of bad guys because he can't be bothered with that sort of thing³
• Quickly changes outfits¹
  • Literally throws on and tears off a diving suit³
• Disguises himself as a tumbleweed, using it as cover to getting into the middle of an area without being seen and letting it blow off without him after³
• Is a terrible secret agent³
  • I mean seriously, he just tells everyone what he is³
  • This isn't even a spy thing in this universe, a Canadian spy tells him to cut out using her name too often²
  • He even was presented the highest award the President of the United States could give to him in a highly publicized and reported event, isn't that the exact opposite of what he should want¹
  • Even some slight competency stops him from foiling the villain's plans due to how he announces himself first how is this guy still hired³

"So Spy Fox, what's your next step?" "That's an excellent question. I'm already pretty good at the foxtrot, the waltz, and the tango, but I've always wanted to learn how to swing." "Hmm...how fortunate to the world that your crime fighting is better than your sense of humour."

The original British man of mystery, James Bond was first brought to life on the screen by Sean Connery. Dressed to the nines in a tuxedo and armed with a number of concealed gadgets, Bond was sent across the world to stop high scale crimes. His quick wit and commendable physicality has saved the world a half dozen times over.
This Bond, being the traditional mid-century spy, uses many tricks to get a leg up over the enemy. He’s a very clever, wily agent, although he’s not above just brute forcing his problems with great strength. His Q Branch equipment is disguised as everyday items, so he’s used to being prepared when infiltrating an organization.
The films included in this thread are Dr. No, From Russia with Love, Goldfinger, Thunderball, You Only Live Twice, and Diamonds are Forever. Hover over a feat to see which film it’s from.

Physicals

Strength

• Resists the force of rushing water inside a pipe
• Flips a table with two men on top of it into the water
• Avoids an assassin’s poisoned kicks by pinning her to a wall with a chair
• Holds himself up on the ceiling and drops on a guard when he walks into Bond’s cell
• When his sleeve is pinned to a large wooden cabinet, he pulls the cabinet down
• Picks up and throws a chair at a man, knocking him out
• Fights off an attacker with a damn couch
• Breaks a wooden board with a downward strike
• Throws a man around, sending him through two Japanese screen walls
• When he’s held underwater by two women, Bond surfaces and holds both of them underwater with one hand each

Endurance

• Resists being garroted long enough to grab a knife, stabbing his attacker and turning the garrote wire back on him
• [Limit] Knocked out by a pistol whip to the back of the head
• Keeps fighting after getting a wooden chair broken over his back
• OK after being dropped on his face into a vent
• Stays conscious after strikes from Oddjob
  • Oddjob RT
• Keeps fighting through a vase to the head
• Fights on through hits with a fireplace poker
• Keeps swimming despite grenades being detonated around him
• Keeps running despite being shot in the calf
  • He’s later seen patching up his calf in the bathroom, so he was definitely hit by a bullet
• Breaks free of a rear hold after being punched in the face twice
• Takes a beating from two acrobats, Bambi and Thumper
• [Limit] Knocked out by an urn to the back of the neck

Agility

• Dodges Oddjob’s hat
• While on the ground, he dodges katana swings
• Chases down an assassin, tackling him
• Performs a front flip off a ledge
• Rolls and pulls a lever to incapacitate a gunman with a machine
• Traverses the underside of an oil rig by swinging on a rope, then walking a tightrope

Skill

Combat
Unarmed

• Catches a kick, then throws the attacker back
• Judo flips an attacker, then punches him
• Breaks a hold from behind by a man who wrestles alligators
• Brawls with Dr. No before leaving him to die in the radioactive waters
• Punches out a man in a hazmat suit in one blow
• Commandeers a speedboat, throwing the two men off of it
• Dispatches a guard with a neck strike
• Fights evenly with Grant in a train car, with both men getting in hits before Grant begins garroting Bond with a concealed wire
  • Grant is a trained Russian assassin who no-sells strikes to the stomach with brass knuckles
• Sweeps Pussy Galore to the floor, then reverses her judo throw attempt
• Sneaks up on a guard, then sweeps the leg to knock him out
• Silently KOs a man, then steals his equipment to blend in with a scuba crew
• Knocks out six men when fleeing on a rooftop
• Starts thrashing technicians until one pulls a gun
• Wrestles with Hans before flipping him into a piranha pond
• Wrestles a man in a crowded elevator, using the windows and door as weapons
• Kicks a man off of his vehicle and steals it
• Smacks a dame

With Weapons/Environment

• Stealthily kills a man in a river with a knife
• Closes a truck’s hood on a man’s hand, then punches him out
• Brawls with an assassin in a hotel room before throwing him into a bathtub and knocking a fan into the water, electrocuting him
• Runs up on a guard and slams his head into a car, knocking him out
• Kills Oddjob by using exposed electrical wiring on a metal cage that Oddjob was touching
• Breaks a man’s neck with a fireplace poker
• Pulls a would-be assassin through a window
• Identifies an assassin hiding in the shower, then takes him out with the shower and a nearby door
• Kicks a man’s alcohol bottle, then ignites the contents with a woman’s lighter, allowing him to escape the car
• While diving, Bond wrestles with another diver before cutting his breathing device
• Disarms a diver, then uses the harpoon gun to shatter their goggles
• Defeats three men in the confined space of a ship’s cockpit
• Kills a man with his own knife in one maneuver
• Disarms a man of a spear and stabs him fatally
• Tears off a woman’s bikini top and chokes her with it
• Sprays a man with a fire extinguisher, then strikes him off a ledge with it
• Throws flammable alcohol onto an assassin, lighting him on fire
• While being choked from behind, Bond throws the attacker off of himself, then ties a time bomb to his coat and throws him off a boat

Gunfighting

• Shoots a gunman atop a bridge
• Using a sniper rifle, Bond shoots a man in a helicopter, causing him to drop his grenade inside
• Using a flare gun, Bond fires on floating oil drums, causing an explosion to consume enemy boats
• Grabs Goldfinger’s gun and fires on an airplane window, sucking the villain out of the plane
• Efficient in skeet shooting
• Turns and immediately shoots a harpoon, killing a stealthy assassin
• Shoots a gunman despite their being behind a column for cover
• Shoots three pursuing men
• Right after waking up, he shoots a ninja in the dark
• Outshoots a man in a hallway

Traditional Spy Skills

• [Stealth] Knowing that a man is coming to kill him, Bond waits behind a door, then holds the attempted killer at gunpoint
• [Stealth] Uses a hollow reed to hide underwater from guards and dogs
• [Deception] Tricks Grant into opening a rigged case, which disperses tear gas in his face
• [Sleight of Hand] Slips a tracking device and a note into a gangster’s coat pocket
• [Disguise] Steals an assassin’s clothing, pretends to be the assassin and is personally carried back to the villain’s headquarters
• [Stealth] Hides in plain sight by pretending to be making out, but it’s actually just his own arms wrapped around himself
• [Stealth] Sneaks into the back of a van while his partner distracts the driver
• [Identification] Identifies an assassin he’s never seen before by the scent of their aftershave

Driving

• Loses a pursuing driver by driving under an obstacle
• Weaves around a parking lot, causing a dozen cop cars to crash into themselves, walls or parked cars
• Briefly drives on two wheels to slip through a narrow alley

Other

• [Observation] Notices an attacker in the reflection of a woman’s eye, then uses her as a human shield to block a strike
• [Observation] Notices shadows under a door while snooping, allowing him to hide
• [Human Shield] Uses his dancing partner as a human shield when he notices a concealed gunman’s pistol
• [Foreign Language] Learned several Asian languages at Cambridge
• [Alcoholism] Can tell the temperature of alcohol after one sip
• [Accuracy] Throws three scalpels into a man’s arm and chest
• [Diving] Dives off an oil rig into the ocean below

Equipment

Weapons

• Carries a Walther PPK, a discreet pistol with excellent stopping power
• A collapsible Armalite AR-7 sniper rifle with an infrared sight, allowing for use in the dark
• A knife, kept in his boot
• A grenade, for use underwater
• A projectile launcher disguised as a cigarette, gifted to Bond by a ninja master
  • Used to kill a technician while disarmed of all other weapons
• Once carried a throwing star, a gift from a ninja organization

Gadgets
Reconnaissance/Detection

• Has a small sensor to detect a listening device on the telephone
• A recorder disguised as a camera, with audio sent automatically to MI6
• A waterproof geiger counter in his watch
• A waterproof camera with infrared compatibility

Mobility

• Grapnel gun, used to quickly scale a wall and take out the guard on the other side
• A grappling gun and cord that attaches to his pants, allowing him to scale the outside of a skyscraper
  • Can be outfitted with metal projectiles and used as a firearm instead
• Parachutes near an oil rig in an inflatable sphere that floats on the surface of water
• A scuba tank with a forward-facing projectile launcher
  • Used to hit a piece of sunken ship, causing it to land on two diving enemies
• Briefly wore a ninja outfit with suction cups on the palms and knees, used to scale down metal walls
• Flies away from a fight with a jetpack

Accessories

• A gas mask
• Scuba gear with a head attachment, meant to make Bond look like a harmless water fowl
• A pocket rebreather that works for about four minutes
  • Uses the rebreather to escape from a shark-infested pool
• Carries what is effectively a mousetrap in his jacket, so that when a guard reaches in to take his gun, he gets his fingers trapped
• Uses a fake fingerprint to assume another man’s identity

Transmitters

• Two small transmitters, the larger of which is magnetic
• Can detect his transmitters on the DB5’s radar
• Smaller transmitter can be placed in Bond’s shoe if he needs to call for backup or rescue

Other

• A leather case with numerous hidden components, like ammunition holders, throwing knives, a folding sniper rifle and 50 gold coins
  • Comes with canister of tear gas disguised as a can of talcum powder that can be rigged to explode unless it’s opened a specific way
• A long tube of plastic explosive and a detonator
• A small device to aid in safe cracking
• A small explosive, used to blow a lock off a cell door

Vehicles
Aston Martin DB5

• A modified Aston Martin DB5 with bulletproof windows and revolving license plate
• Also has defenses mechanism controls in the center console and ejector seat
  • A spinning blade on the wheels, used to carve up an adjacent car’s tires
  • Smokescreen
  • Oil slick
  • Ejector seat used to dispatch a gunman in the passenger seat
• Dual water cannons on the rear of the car

”Little Nellie”

• A helicopter that can be quickly constructed by four workers
• Dual machine guns and dual heat-seeking rocket launchers
• Backwards facing flamethrowers
• Can drop miniature bombs directly beneath the helicopter
  • In a dogfight, Bond uses all of the helicopter’s armaments to destroy five enemy helicopters

Miscellaneous

• Puts powder on his bag and a strand of hair on a closet door to detect if intruders were in his room
• If a woman is distracting him, he swats her away like a fly
• He only has sex for King and Country, it gives him no pleasure, he swears
• Once faked his death and burial at sea to go undercover
• Gets a disguise to look like “a Japanese”
  • Here’s the final product. This looks just like a Japanese guy, right?
• Uses an escape pod as an wrecking ball to destroy the computers that operate a laser satellite

After the absurd heights that Pierce Brosnan’s Bond climbed to, Eon Productions decided the best course for the Bond franchise was a full reboot. For the first time since the 60s, the British agent was a completely different individual separated from the rest of the timeline. This made for a sharper, more grounded action film with 2006’s Casino Royale.
Daniel Crag’s Bond feels more human, and despite his incredible athletic ability and great skill in fistfights or gunfights, he gets hurt. Like a lot. He definitely feels as if he takes more punishment than any Bond before him. He has a much smaller arsenal than previous incarnations, but his skill with a basic sidearm is usually all he needs to get the job done.
Feats come from Casino Royale, Quantum of Solace, Skyfall and Specter. Hover over a feat to see which film it’s from.

Physicals

Strength

• Tackles a man through two bathroom stalls
• Barrels through a temporary construction wall
• Holds onto the outside of a swerving truck
• Forces open a disabled elevator while underwater, then swims to the surface with a woman’s body
• Breaks off a door handle to hide an unconscious body
• Holds a man above a ledge by the hair
• Holds onto the bottom of an elevator car as it rises up a skyscraper
• Punches through drywall and wood to access a hidden room
• Breaks out of zip cuffs

Endurance
Blunt Force

• When jumping off a low crane, Bond stumbles, falling into a metal air vent. He’s up and running moments later.
• Grazed by a car while poisoned and still manages to make it to his own car
• Survives a car crash that puts his car airborne for a few seconds
• Recieves cock and ball torture by Le Chiffre’s rope, at first barely responding, then laughing in his torturer’s face
• Falls one or two stories onto the top of a bus, but gets up quickly
• Fights on after being hit across the back with a metal pipe four times
• Falls off a bridge onto a moving train underneath
• Dives through a window, then continues running
• Up and running moments after crashing a plane through a barn and a car
• Keeps fighting through repeated strikes from Hinx, like getting thrown into walls or getting thrown through thin walls
  • Mr. Hinx Respect Thread found here
• [Limit] Knocked out by a pistol whip to the back of the head
• [Limit] Knocked unconscious by a perpendicular car wreck

Other

• Keeps fighting after being cut across the chest and being shot up by a nail gun
• Gets shot in the shoulder by a handgun, but operates mostly unimpeded
• Bond is shot by a sniper rifle and falls off a high bridge into water. After three months, Bond is mostly physically able again, although his aim is more noticeably affected.
• Endures having a small surgical drill bore into the back of his skull and into the part of the brain that deals with recognition, seemingly to no negative neurological effect

Agility
Movement

• Keeps pace with a freerunning criminal
• Runs up a crane to reach the top of a building under construction
• Climbs up a vertical I-beam
• Catches up to a fleeing truck on a runway, although it obviously hasn’t accelerated to full speed
• From the top of a moving truck, Bond runs and flips through the open windshield
• Pursues a man on the rooftops of Italy
• Traverses a ledge quickly to evade agents
• Escapes a CIA squad with just a moment's warning
• Leaps onto the back of a departing train
• Runs away from a fireball caused by a house-sized explosion
• Jumps down a story onto stone, rolling to avoid impact damage

Reaction

• Uses an enemy to block gunfire
• While sitting in the passenger seat, Bond grabs the driver’s arm before they can shoot him
• Leaps out of the way of an off-rails train
• Rolls away from an incendiary grenade’s detonation moments after noticing it

Skills

Combat
Mostly Unarmed

• Brawls with a martial artist on the outside of a crane
• Brawls with a man in the front seat of a truck
• Throws a gunman down a flight of stairs using his own momentum
• Has an extended fight with a man with a machete while in a confined space. Bond himself was unarmed, although he did ball up his jacket to block some strikes.
• Duels with a man on collapsing scaffolding, using ropes and available ledges to avoid falling
• Breaks a hold on his jacket, sending a guard off a rooftop
• While handcuffed, Bond knocks out four surrounding MI6 agents in an elevator
• Takes out a CIA riot officer with an elbow to the face
• While completely unarmed, defeats a man wielding an axe, even tricking him into slicing his own foot
• Brawls with a man on top of a moving train
• Brawls with an assassin armed with a sniper rifle before dropping him out of a skyscraper
• From a sprint, Bond jumps and kicks a man in the face to knock him out
• Intentionally breaks the ice on a frozen lake to bring a gunman down into the water, then Bond chokes him to death with his leg
• Scuffles with a man in a helicopter before kicking him out
• Punches a guard, then throws him off a ledge while he’s stunned
• Drops two guards with one strike each

Mostly Armed

• (Nearly) drowns a man in a sink
• While being held at knifepoint, Bond turns and kills the man with his own knife after a struggle
• Defeats two men in a crumbling building, using exposed wiring and a nail gun to dispatch them
• While unarmed, Bond is attacked by an assassin with a knife, but manages to kill the assassin with a pair of scissors
• Hits the throttle of a motorbike to dismount the driver, then incapacitates them with a kick
• Uses a briefcase to fight three men, knocking out two of them
• Throws a knife into a man’s back from across a room, which kills him
• Clocks a man with a decorated cane
• Bond ties a rope around Mr. Hinx’s neck and attaches it to a weight, then kicks that weight off the train to pull Hinx away

Gunfighting

• Turns and fires on a man before he can fire
• Shoots a water pipe to spray two gunmen, nonlethally dispatching them
• Shoots a gas container to cause it to explode, allowing Bond to escape
• Sneaks up on a gunman and stealthily shoots him
• Shoots a man while hanging upside-down by the leg
• Disarms and shoots two policemen
• Kills about six men in a garage, firing while running and from under cover
• Disarms the man holding him at gunpoint, then kills four other armed men in seconds
• Shoots two fire extinguishers to obscure the room and allow hostages to safely escape
• Downs two gunmen with an old-school rifle
• Shoots two men from an opposite rooftop, then shoots a bomb to destroy the room
• Shoots two assassins before they can fire on their target
• While handcuffed and at gunpoint, Bond steals the gun to shoot his captors
• Uses a Sa vz. 58 Compact to escape Blofeld’s facility, killing nearly a dozen guards, even at extreme range
• From a speedboat, Bond accurately hits a helicopter’s engine enough with a handgun to cause it to crash

Driving/Piloting

• While flying a much less maneuverable plane, Bond tricks a fighter jet into crashing into a mountainside by producing smoke from a damaged engine
• Rides a motorbike up stairs and on narrow rooftop paths in pursuit of a target
• Uses a construction vehicle to make a makeshift bridge between two train cars
• Ejects a pilot from a helicopter, then pulls the helicopter out of freefall
• Races through Rome, driving down stairs and through a water way
• Flies a small plane on a snowy road to kick up a cloud of snow, causing a car to crash

Other

• [Preparation] Empties out a handgun before a man enters the room
• [Infiltration] Broke into M’s house to use her computer
• [Seduction] Seduces a married woman to learn more about her husband’s criminal activity
• [Poker] The best poker player in MI6
• [Toxin Response] After being poisoned, he consumes salt mixed with water to induce vomiting
• [Skydiving] Leaps from a crashing plane, catching up to his partner and using her parachute to save them both
• [Hacking] Somehow helps Q hack into a remarkably encrypted program
• [Preparation] Puts shotgun shells under the floorboards in order to fire on intruders when they step on them
• [Traversal] Safely traverses down a rapidly crumbling, two story building
• [Observation] Identifies a hidden door based on a tiny sliver of light through the crack
• [Observation] Spots Mr. Hinx approaching in the reflection of a dinner platter

Equipment

Weapons

• Wields a silenced Walther P99
• A suppressed UMP-9, used to fire on Mr. White’s leg at range
• A Walther PPK with a palm-print sensor coded to Bond’s hand, meaning only he can fire it
  • Sure enough, when someone else tries to use it, it just doesn’t fire
• His late father’s hunting rifle
• A heavily modified Glock 17, with laser sight and microphone attachment

Gadgets

• A small tracker, able to be hidden in an inhaler
  • He’s able to follow this tracker using his cell phone
• A defibrillator and medical kit in his glove box
• A powerful camera, used to identify the faces of high profile criminals with even a few pixels
• A miniature radio that can be used to send a distress signal to MI6
• Has microchips in his bloodstream that allows MI6 to track his location
• Has an explosive hidden in his watch that Bond can set to one minute
  • The explosion destroys a computer and leaves Blofeld with severe scarring

Vehicles

• Drives an Aston Martin DBS V12 with bullet resistant windows
• Owns an Aston Martin DB5, that apparently still has a working ejector seat
  • The DB5 has dual machine guns hidden under the headlamps
• Drives a bulletproof Aston Martin DB10
  • Has an exhaust switch that blasts plumes of fire behind the car
  • Uses the Aston Martin’s ejector seat to safely escape a pursuer

Miscellaneous

• Can be extremely reckless, as he was going to stab a VIP to death, despite MI6 wanting him alive, all because he beat Bond at poker
• MI6 will cancel his company cards and restrict his passport if he breaks their rules too often
• Stares down a scorpion during a drinking game
• Suffers from alcohol and pill addiction
• Knows how to deal with slow drivers
• Attempts to interrogate a mouse at gunpoint

He had expected this sooner rather than later, and it hurt to see.
He knew it wasn't going to work.
The Galactic Assembly was full of aliens, not humans. The things that got humanity's attention were the same sort of things that tended to scare the GA.
But of course, the average human couldn't have known that, and with their tendency to change creatures around them to become more human, the aliens with which they worked didn't see it either.
They were doing the right thing, but going about it the wrong way.
Still, that didn't stop his feelings of sadness and empathy for their plight.
Walking with Sunny, standing on the buddy pegs attached to her back, and examining the protest encampment around him, he couldn't help but be impressed by their bravery.
He knew for a fact that if he was in their shoes, he would be way more likely to hide, lie to everyone around him, and even himself.
But here they were out in the open, a shining beacon of defiance against the GA.
It was a difficult situation, of course he supported the GA wholeheartedly, and he always would, and with that support came an understanding.
But that didn't mean that he had to agree with them.
They were scared.
And people tend to lash out at things that scare them.
As it turns out, that seemed to be a common factor across the galaxy.
He reached down, hand caressing the tear gas canisters at his belt and the accompanying gas mask. He prayed, just PRAYED that he wouldn't have to use them, but how was he to know what would happen. When people got righteously angry about something they tended to act up, and when thrown into a group of like-minded people, the pack mentality was overwhelming.
He wanted everything to go well, he wanted them to make their point, to prove that they were the moral superiors, demonstrate to the GA that they weren't militant, and all they wanted was peace.
That was the sort of thing that would get across to the GA.
But with humans involved... He didn't really have much hope.
He glanced around at the assembled tents, looking for any sign of trouble.
He didn't see much, just the limp white flags, with the LFIL logo printed proudly on their front.
Still keeping an eye on his surroundings, he leaned against one of Sunny's shoulders.
"So, what do you think about this whole thing?"
Sunny turned her head to look at him, gold eyes and blue carapace glittering with the yellow sheen of the Rundi sky.
She shrugged, setting him a little off balance. She grabbed his feet to steady him as she continued up a small incline.
"It doesn't bother me, and I suppose I understand them."
"Oh?"
"Imagine finding someone you connect with, someone who understands you more than anyone ever has. Imagine a Drev finding the greatest warrior in the galaxy, and then... Just having to suffer knowing you can never be with them. Granted none of the other species ever would have considered it an option without the humans, but now.... It makes sense. You connect with someone well enough, then beyond that there isn't much you can do. And now the GA has prohibited that."
"I agree with you completely, but let me play devil's advocate for a moment. They aren't even the same species, without the same genetics. It wouldn't be physically possible to produce a viable offspring wouldn’t it?”
She turned her head to look at him.
"And how does it work for your brother David and his husband Jordan?"
He laughed,
"Ok, ok, poor question."
"Adoption is a relevant option. Plus, this is coming from the guy who lent his DNA to some alien."
"Arguably she stole it, but I get your point."
They turned another corner scanning the crowd,
"Hear me out though. Humans are... Well, you know how humans are. They need... uhhm uhhh you know…”
Adam got a little red,
”…Affection and intimacy... How does that even... Work?"
"Oh, I am sure some human has found a way, besides, humans and Drev aren't so different in that regard..."
He tilted his head to look at her,
"How the hell do you know that?”
"Got into a discussion with Krill. He thinks it's possible, though he would never tell you humans. He already thinks you do a ton of stupid stuff anyway."
”Oh really what is he expecting? I don’t think anyone from our crew would jump at the opportunity to do it with a Drev be it man or woman… Besides with all these tall as hell Drev males, human women wouldn’t have much fun either would they?”
”Considering males who would be interested, aren’t you good friends with Ramirez? Why don’t you ask him, maybe he knows someone?”
”Okay damn fair point… but the female argument still stays.”
”Krill did some research, I swear I never saw him so… done with humans. He looked like he would drink away his sorrow to forget everything… if his body could tolerate alcohol.”
”So what did he find out about this time?”
”After another particularly massive aggressive rant about how and I quote “shitting freaking goddamn incredibly punk-ass weird” you humans are, he said some weird words in a context I didn’t understand. So, do you know what a dragon is and can you tell me why it is so bad?”
”Hmm what… wait a second…”
”…”
”Oh shit…”
”So?”
"So uhmmm uhhh, let’s stop with humans and talk about Drev again okay? Don't you Drev guys also have a mating season?”*
"We did, but it was actually based on the magnetic fluctuation of our planet in time with the seasons. Now that we don't have that anymore, things are out of whack."
"Huh, I didn't know that."
"You never asked."
"Because that is a totally normal thing to ask someone. Hello, my name is Adam, and I am actually very curious about how... That stuff... works on your planet."
"That stuff, huh?"
He rolled his eyes,
"I was sheltered ok, give me a break."
They came to a stop at a crossroads, and Adam stepped down from her back and onto the dirt, tilting his head to listen, trying to detect any signs of a disturbance.
As of yet there was nothing.
He turned to the left, down another line of tents, passing into a more populated area of the protest encampment.
People wearing specially made clothing, with the LFIL logo, shirts, scarves, bandannas, jackets, hats etc. etc. walked about, openly with their alien companions, a few even brave enough to show overt affection towards each other.
A human hugging a Tesraki, while another stood on a box to kiss the cheek of their Drev partner.
"Now that, is something I couldn't do."
He said to Sunny, as they walked past.
"Kiss someone?"
"No, Kiss someone three to four feet taller than me. Way too much work."
"How do you know, maybe climbing up three feet would be worth it?”
Eyes followed them nervously as they walked past, their riot gear marking them as “the enemy”.
"I would rather not be in danger of twisting my ankle every time I wanted to show someone affection, thanks."
"You twist your ankle all the time anyway."
"That's my point. If I twist my ankle now, imagine what would happen if I had to do acrobatics on a regular basis."
They came to a halt as a group of protesters paraded in front of them holding up picket signs.
One of the protesters turned to glare at him,
"We aren't doing anything illegal!”
Adam held up his hands,
"I know. I'm just security to make sure no one gets hurt.”
The other human didn't seem convinced, angrily grabbing their alien companion around the waist before marching off.
The Tesraki looked uncomfortable, looking back at them apologetically.
Though Tesraki were generally cutthroat businessmen, they tended towards extreme submissiveness in relationships with humans.
Adam stepped through the gap left by the protesters and continued walking.
As they did, they early ran into a group of kids selling little white flags and bandannas.
They pulled to a halt, eyes widening in surprise and shock.
A young Tesraki pulled to a halt with them looking as if he was about to panic and run off.
However, the kid at the front's eyes widened and a big smile crossed his face,
“Holy shit! You, I know you!"
Adam smiled,
"You do now?"
"Yeah , yeah you're in that movie. You, you command the UNSC fleet."
For some reason, that exclamation calmed the other kids, and they squealed, shouting and asking for a picture. Of course, he was happy to oblige, posing with them for their pictures. Sunny stood to the side, happy to watch though she was dragged in for the next set of pictures once they realized who she was.
"What are you doing here?"
One of them asked, glancing down at his clothing. When she saw what he was wearing her smile was falling,
"You... aren't here to stop us, are you?"
Adam shook his head,
"No, of course not, protesting isn't illegal."
He motioned to Sunny with his other hand,
"Sunny and I are just here to make sure that you guys stay safe, and that no one gets hurt.”
Sunny nodded. One of the more skeptical looking teens looked up at him,
"How do we know you aren't here to stop us. You work for the GA after all."
Adam shrugged,
"I don't have much else to prove, other than my word."
The skeptic looked at them, a wicked smile appearing on her face,
"I know."
She reached into her cart and pulled out one of the bandannas,
"Wear this!”
It was clear she expected him to balk at the idea, but to her surprise, he smiled,
"Alright, sounds reasonable."
He held out his arm, and watched, still smiling as she tied it around his upper arm still glowering at him skeptically,
"Think you can spare one for my big friend?"
He patted Sunny on the arm.
That broke her skepticism, and she smiled openly, handing a second one over to him, which he tied around one of Sunny's upper arms.
He waved a goodbye to them, and stepped back up onto Sunny's back, walking away with her.
"That was nice of you."
He shrugged,
”Not really. I honestly agree with them. The GA has no right to tell them who they can and cannot be with. I know they have some reasons, but I feel like there is a better way of dealing with it."
Sunny hummed deep in her throat,
"Uh-huh, or you really just want a really tall girlfriend."
He sighed,
"Honestly I'd settle for any size girlfriend if I could just talk to her like a normal person without sticking my foot in my mouth. No Maverick and Dr. Katie do not count…"
"Your incompetence with women is acrobatic."
"I'm glad you're impressed.”
Together, they continued their slow circle around the encampment, drawing suspicious and confused eyes as they went. Sometimes they were recognized, and occasionally people would ask to take pictures with them, other times, they just wanted to talk.
The variety of people was... astounding.
A barely five foot human with a nine foot Drev.
A group of humans and a group of Tesraki.
A lawyer and a Finnari.
Two couples both as business partners with a Tesraki half.
They were young and old male-female, in all different pairings.
Old soldiers, and young students.
It was honestly quite stunning.
At one point they stopped off for water and ran into a massive bodybuilder with his Drev girlfriend, whose carapace at any other time would have marked her as ugly for a Drev.
At first Sunny felt bad for her, with her muddy brown carapace, mat without any shine.
The man turned and handed Adam some water.
”Here better stay hydrated brother!”
Adam raised the bottle,
"Thanks."
The man looked him over, eyeing the bandanna around his arm.
"Interesting accessories for a GA affiliate."
"You can work for someone and disagree with them."
The man laughed,
"I suppose that's true."
He greeted Sunny as well, who was trying not to stare at the other female Drev for too long, lest it seem like she was staring.
He motioned to the arm band,
"Supporter, or-"
His eyes flicked between Adam and Sunny.
"We're just here to make sure everyone stays safe."
Off to the side the mat Drev looked at Sunny,
"I'm sorry."
Sunny glanced over at her nervously,
"Sorry for what?"
"You must have been treated very poorly on Anum."
Sunny shuffled her feet awkwardly,
"I was alright I guess..."
"Regardless. I hope things work out for you. The Drev beauty standards are unfair, and things need to change."
Sunny wasn't entirely sure how she was supposed to feel about that.
"They aren't so bad."
She ventured defensively.
"Then I am sure you are getting combat offers left and right with your coloring.”
Sunny went quiet again. She would have said this was passive aggressive, but the Drev didn't do passive aggressive, so was this just an open statement about how ugly she was? If that was the case, it kind of hurt.
"I have, because I am an experienced warrior."
Her voice was cold.
"Oh, so where is your partner?"
"I turned them down."
That seemed to surprise the female Drev.
Sunny felt her fists clench, but Adam placed a hand on her arm. She was quiet,
The two humans exchanged a look, the way that only humans can, speaking without actually saying anything.
”C’mon babe, lets look a little bit around and let these two be… It was nice meeting you brother! Also… good luck man…”
The human bodybuilder turned around, taking the Drev by one of her hands to lead her away.
Adam took Sunny by the arm and raised his water at the man,
"Uhm what? Huh anyway, good luck to you too?"
Before turning to walk away, the other Drev cut in at the last second.
"I hope you find a worthy battle partner."
Adam Squeezed Sunny's arm tighter, but she turned her head anyway snapping,
"I already have."
Before marching off without another word.
Adam was forced to scamper after her, his legs much shorter.
"Wow, wow, hold your horses!”
She finally slowed to a stop, still fuming.
"Who the hell does she think she is!?”
"Sunny-."
"Calling me ugly to my face!"
"Sunny-"
"I should have challenged her to a duel right then and there!"
"Sunny!?”*
She turned to look at him,
"What!?"
He climbed back up on her back, patting her shoulder,
"She was obviously just insecure and jealous. I mean come on, look at you, blue is the rarest color in the galaxy and most attractive for a Drev, and we all know that height is the least important attribute of Drev beauty standards. The better you can fight, the more you make up for it, besides it's not her fault that she can't accept someone as being valid unless they are in a pair."
Sunny grunted. He frowned,
"Speaking of which, coming from her it seems like a double standard. You fight with me, and I'm fucking awesome, so by default you have to be too."
"Wow Adam, you really know how to make a person feel better."
"I know."
[…]
They were crossing back to the other side of the encampment, when they ran into some familiar faces.
Ramirez and Maverick appeared from the crowd, waving the two of them down with greeting hands.
They pulled to a stop, and the commander motioned to the white bandanna on Ramirez's arm,
"Nice accessories."
"I like yours too."
"I didn't know you were a supporter?”
Ramirez laughed,
"Man I am a supporter of whatever the hell people want to do with themselves."
Off to his side Maverick had tied one of the white bandannas to her belt.
"And you?”
"Personally, I don't give a shit. I don't even think it should be an issue, but by banning it, the GA created a problem for themselves and took away the freedom of choice for these people. Even if I did disagree with what they are doing, I would still support their ability to make that choice for themselves."
She tugged on the bandanna,
"But hey, would I be wearing this otherwise?”
The commander nodded his head, surprised and pleased at his men for being so open minded, though he supposed it should make sense. They worked with aliens every day. Where others might have fostered a sense of fear based on unfamiliarity, they had experience.
"Let’s just hope this all goes over well tomorrow. I don't want to have to use any of this."
He motioned down to his gear.
The commander sighed.
"Isn't that like the catch 22 thing?”
Loyal to one side.
Sympathetic to the other.
Empathetic to both.
He would be relieved when it was finally fixed.
Though how he could help was beyond him.
[...]
"Please everyone, calm yourselves. The Galactic Assembly is addressing the issue as we speak."
The crowd roiled and churned like the bubbles in a pot of boiling water. Flags waved and voices rose high into the air.
The chanting increased in fervor.
"Please!"
The Rundi struggled to raise his voice high enough to be heard over the crowd, who only grew with strength and intensity.
Commander Vir keyed his mic,
"Delta units to the GA side of the crowd, some of these protesters are looking extremely agitated. Let's make sure they don't do anything we're all going to regret.”
He stood with his back to the GA chambers, its wide arching courtyard devoid of life, except for those unfortunate Rundi ordered to carry messages from one side of the compound to the other, otherwise they tried to keep their distance from the front facade of the building and the churning mass of protesters.
White flags waved and fluttered.
Commander Vir held the energy shield with one arm, pressing it back firmly against the crowd, so they could not pass the dedicated marking point.
"Commander, the crowd over here is getting violent."
He grimaced and reached a hand down to open the line,
"Stun them and let them calm down, do NOT catch anyone else in the crossfire. We do not want this escalating."
"Yes sir."
Something pushed against his shield and he grunted, pushing back.
The white bandanna on his arm was pressed against the clear blue force field and helped to at least confuse the crowd before them.
And luckily, they would be kept too confused to get violent.
The aliens among the human protesters helped as well.
If this was on earth, things would have broken out into a riot by now, but the Drev the Tesraki and the Finnari tended to be more levelheaded when it came to these kinds of things, and they managed to reign in their humans from doing something stupid.
He closed his eyes tight for a second, praying that the GA would rethink their position.
It hurt him to watch these people struggle like this.
It just felt so strange that anyone should be here in the first place.
Beside him, Sunny had taken control of two young humans who were getting a bit more than rowdy,
"Let’s keep this a protest, and not a riot."
She growled, giving them a look that would have made anyone quell in their boots. It sort of made him half smile, Sunny was such a badass, he wanted to be more like her when he eventually grew up.
His thoughts were cut off, as the crowd churned a bit, pressing into his shield.
He keyed his mic again, prepared to go over the loudspeaker and tell them that if they didn't calm down he was going to turn this protest into a mass nap time.
He had the power to do that if things got out of hand, though he honestly didn't want to.
The GA needed to see this.
He was so preoccupied with the crowd, that he barely noticed as the Rundi ran up from the inside of the compound, flying forward on its long spindly legs.
It stopped by the first Rundi to say something, and the conversation that passed between them didn't look particularly encouraging.
HIs heart sank into his stomach.
He felt... Surprisingly disappointed, very sad for all those people who were going to get their day ruined.
The Rundi waffled around at the front of the crowd for a bit before turning and looking over to where he stood.
Oh great.
The Rundi walked over, and he backed off from the crowd, allowing Sunny to take a step in his place with her shield at the ready.
The people looked as if they were about to start something, but seeing her expression, they decided not to.
He dropped his shield and lowered his head to hear the Rundi over the roaring of the crowd.
"The GA is not budging."
The Rundi whispered,
"They are asking the protesters to leave."
Adam growled in frustration.
Behind him someone in the crowd pointed at him,
"They're saying no aren't they!?”
Others took up the call, and soon enough the rest of the crowd had been alerted. Adam was forced to run back to support Sunny, as everything suddenly grew more intense.
Fights were breaking out on the left and the right.
People were hitting the ground as the guards were forced to stun them.
That only agitated the rest of the crowd who also began to buck and fight.
Adam keyed the mic for real this time, filling the intervening space with his booming voice,
”ALL OF YOU KNOCK IT OFF RIGHT NOW OR I WILL STUN YOU ALL."
The aggression in the crowd died down, though the anger remained sizzling at the surface.
Overhead clouds passed over the sun, before him the crowd roared like a wave, and behind him the GA council chambers were as silent as a ghost town.
"LISTEN, QUIET DOWN ALL OF YOU."
It sort of felt as if he was floating.
The world around him hardly seemed real though that was not the best way to explain it.
The crowd died down a bit,
"You may not understand this! And I have said it before, but these are not humans. Protests don't work on them. When they see a group of angry humans, they get scared and when they get scared, they double down even further. I know it does not make any sense to you NOT to protest for what you believe in, but if you are going to do this, you MUST remain civil. Even now the GA is frightened by you. They don't believe you are rational, and they are not going to listen to you if this keeps up."
The crowd had quieted down to a milling sort of confusion.
"Then what should we do!"*
The shouting came from somewhere and in anger, though he couldn't pinpoint the source.
In frustration he nudged Sunny, and she allowed him to climb on her back as he had before.
The crowd could see him now, and he could see them for the most part.
He waved them down trying to cut off the others who had taken up the chant.
"I understand what you are trying to do, and I support your efforts, but you are only hurting ourselves. The GA can only be won by rational discussion."
"The GA won't see any of our representatives. They are debating only on their own facts and opinions."
One of the crowd's people snarled. The call was echoed and Adam stared at them in shock,
"Wait what!? Are you serious?”
There was a muttering throughout the crowd.
"For fuck's sake."
He muttered under his breath,
"The Rudi think none of us are high ranking enough to be allowed into the council chambers, and none of the representatives will take up our cause. The human ambassador thinks we are disgusting, so she won't do anything and says she won’t represent our minority."
The muttering through the crowd grew louder.
Adam looked around, head turning to see all the angry faces, blushed with red, or streaked with tears.
These people were frustrated, and hurt, and he understood why.
This wasn't right!
He closed his eyes again and took another deep breath.
What was he thinking!?
He stepped down from Sunny's back and walked over to one of the protestors in the front row, pointing to his large flag on a pole that was about eight feet tall.
"May I borrow your flag?"
The protester stared on at him in confusion,
"What, why?"
"Because, I am going to give you the representative you need."
[…]
Commander Vir and Sunny walked alone down the length of the GA outer courtyard.
A billowing white flag streamed lazily over his head, suspended there by way of the pole which rested heavily on his shoulder. The white of the fabric had been marred now by many colors as hundreds of rushed signatures had been scrawled on its face.
He was armed with the backing of a thousand protesters, a hundred signatures, and more than a few dozen stories.
Sunny turned her head to look at him, and he fancied that maybe he saw an expression of pride in her eyes, though she didn't say much except,
"Pretty brave."
He didn't feel very brave, and as they walked through the front doors of the GA atrium, his hand was shaking against the cold metal of the flagpole.
He was stopped by a pair of Rundi guards on his way into the chamber, but was let in after they recognized who he was.
He could hear voices up ahead, and the sounds of the protest going on outside had all but died away,
"They have proven that they cannot be civil, and based on the humanizing effect, we can assume they will do similar things to any non-human lifeform that they encounter."
"I may not agree with their decision counselor, but that sounds like your prejudice against humans is seeping through."
There was an uproar in the council chamber.
He paused for a moment, staying with Sunny just out of line of sight and took a deep breath.
She lay a hand on his shoulder.
"Here goes nothing."
He muttered, before stepping his way out onto the GA floor.
At first no one noticed his presence as he made his slow way into the center of the circle, but his large, white flag soon changed that.
The council chambers went silent.
The chairwoman stood,
"Commander, what are you doing here. Shouldn't you be taking care of the protesters?”
His lips drew into a thing line,
"With all due respect councilwoman, I am."
He rammed the flagpole against the stone, sending a loud cracking sound out and around the wide atrium silencing the council,
"I have been made aware that you refuse to see their representatives based on a ranking issue, well I assume my rank is high enough."
The Human rep leaned forward,
"Commander, this is not your place!”
He shot her a look,
"Then whose place is it counselor? I heard a certain democratic counselor refuses to speak for them because they are and I quote “a too small and insignificant minority”…”
He turned his head in a wide arc at the watching crowd,
"Counselors, you have known me, longer than you have known any human currently in this galaxy. You understand that I know your rules and your customs. You understand that I have only ever striven to protect and uphold the GA and the planet's it encompasses. I have thwarted wars, signed treaties, and broken my own body for your best interests."
There was silence about the room.
"Will you let me speak now, with the understanding that my loyalty has never wavered from you, and never will?”
The silence continued.
Aliens understood the power of human loyalty.
Or at least they should…
The chairwoman took a seat,
"Very well, commander."
He lifted his head, feeling his heart slow as he took a few deep breaths. There was a muscle in his face that had begun to twitch, like it always did if he was extremely angry or nervous, but he held it down,
"I understand you are frightened, and I understand that you are confused, but I want you to know first of all that those people outside are good average people. They don't mean you any harm. They are hurting, and they are afraid for themselves, and they are trying to get your attention. Historically, humanity has used protests to right the injustices of government to combat prejudices brought on by one's sex or the color of their skin. You must understand that they see this as an impingement on their happiness and a decision made out of line."
There was a murmur around the room.
"So, I ask you now, that I may, perhaps, answer your questions and ease your worries. Why are you so against them?"
"It's unnatural."
It was the Bran representative that had spoken, and he did it quite emphatically.
"Why?"
The commander asked,
"Because they aren't even the same species."
"So?"
The Bran seemed caught off guard,
"They... It's not natural. They can't reproduce, so it isn't... A thing that should be done."
The commander shrugged,
"So if one can't reproduce then they aren't natural? I see a couple issues in that logic relating to prejudices against people with infertility."
There was a murmur around the room.
"So, they can't reproduce, so what? You know who we can reproduce with though... Adaptids."
There was a sort of hushed exclamation form around the room.
The commander shrugged,
"They can't have kids.... Hardly a good enough argument to bring to the floor of a government discussion."
"What he is trying to say is that this practice equates itself to bestiality. It is utterly disguting!"
It was the human representative this time, and she stared at him with her eyes narrowed in anger.
He kept his cool, though he very much did not like her.
"That is absolutely disgusting and wildly insulting of you because that implies that one or both parties are no better than animals, beasts as you will."
The room was silent,
"So which one is it, are humans animals, counselor, are the Finnari or the Rundi animals?"
He turned to the Drev counselor,
"Are the Drev just dumb animals that have no understanding, and no decision making abilities?”
The Drev representative stood, angrily cracking his spear against the stone,
"We are most certainly not!"
The commander held up his hands,
"Then what is so bestial about it? Bestiality is absolutely disgusting because you are taking advantages of a creature that can neither understand nor protect itself from what you are doing. It cannot say yes, and it cannot say no. It has no greater understanding than that of a child, and so cannot make its own decisions."
He looked towards the Finnari representative,
"Tell me counselor, is your species a species of children, with no greater concept of their own decision making?”
"Of course not. Why would you even imply such a thing!?”
"I imply nothing, counselor. This is what YOU imply with your decision. So far we have established that all parties are intelligent consenting creatures, and none of you have managed to give me an actually good reason for banning the practice."
The floor was growing more agitated.
"They will be a poor example for the rest of the galaxy. If we make it legal others will surely follow."
Adam turned his eyes on the speaker, an Iotin,
"You're worried that they are going to turn the rest of the galaxy extrial?"
He laughed,
"That is a poor argument which is not only selfish, but foolish. People should be allowed to make their own decisions. And assuming you are right, what then? Oh no... There are a few more extrials... And it does... What exactly?"
He turned in a wide circle,
"If you are worried about population growth or in this case population falloff due to this issue then you should be reminded that extrials comprise a percentage of the human population so small that I could fit the greater majority of them on my ship comfortably. This occurrence is not common, and even if the numbers were to rise, it would not be of enough significance to cause issues."
His heart was hammering hard inside his chest. He felt like he was doing alright, but that might mean nothing.
"In any event, these relationships do not affect the vast majority of the galaxy. Humans cannot be with the Bran or the Rundi due to the water we shed from our skin. The Gromm and the Iotins are out for similar reasons. Vrul and Gibb are incapable of having feelings for humans in that way as far as we know, and both the Tvek and the Celzex are too different from humans for either party to be interested."
He walked around in a circle, allowing the flag to trail behind him,
"Furthermore, the humanization phenomenon happens with or without romantic intent, and as it is, its mention is more a mark of prejudice on humans than it is an argument against the two groups being together."
He left the floor open for a little while, as the council muttered with each other.
Finally, the Drev representative stood,
"My species culture and our way of life has been upturned by the GA. I fear relationships with humans will result in the loss of our culture. We have already strayed far from what we originally were. We are hardly recognizable as Drev anymore."
The commander let his voice soften,
"I understand that the Drev have lost a lot in joining this..."
Sunny held up a hand, and in surprise he was cut off.
She took the floor,
"Your Glory…"
She said bowing her head,
"If you would have truly upheld those ideals, you would not be sitting on this council."
The Drev pulled back in surprise at her words,
"Yes, we lost a lot in joining the GA, and after the war, but I would argue that some of that was for good. Before the GA people like me, with perceived imperfection were cast into the fire and perceived as no better than animals. This practice still takes place on our planet, where these traditions are still alive and well."
Her words made the room shift nervously,
"However, culture changes and adapts, and it must to survive. We changed in order to live among the GA. We found other alternatives to fighting that still maintain our honor and our prowess in war, and this includes the sports that the humans have brought to us. Furthermore, the vast majority of the Drev I see who are with humans are those of us who would not be accepted by our own kind, perceived as ugly or malformed. If this is the case then your traditions remain sound, and those like me are removed from the mating population."
The counselor almost looked ashamed at her words, turning his head away so as not to look her in the eyes.
"As far as a change of culture goes, it was bound to happen, and it seems you are more worried about change than you actually are about relationships."
She went quiet, and Adam nodded to her taking the floor again.
A Finnari counselor stood,
"I am simply worried about our birth rate. The Finnari were farmed by the Gnarlak for many years, and we are only now replenishing our population."
"I don't think you need to worry. The amount of relationships is so small that it will not affect the Finnari population in any significant manner."
The chairwoman stood,
"Your arguments have been heard commander, but, what the others do not mention is the issue of disease. We have seen a great increase of human transmitted illnesses."
"I hate to cut you off chairwoman, but that is NOT related to interspecies relationships, it has another explanation: human tourism."
"Explain."
"You all know that humans are not allowed to leave their planet, unless tested for all communicable non-treatable diseases. This means that those of us that you see here cannot physically pass our diseases off onto other people. In this case these issues did not stem from relationships at all, but poor vaccination, the poor regulation of tourism, and allowing aliens to travel onto earth where infected humans are located, not testing them as they leave. You see? You don't even have problems with them, but you are using them as a real scapegoat for the actual issues. In fact you are causing more problems by banning this! The more you push, the harder they will push back, eventually someone is going to get hurt. Also since they are not allowed to be together legally, they do it illegally, and because they do it illegally, they end up in dangerous places exposed to greater rates of crime. They get hurt, and they get involved in things they would otherwise not have gotten involved in if you had not banned it. Just look at Noctoplis. It has the highest rate of extrials living there and the lowest policing force and the most corrupted system. There are no legitimate jobs there, so we see an influx of crime by desperate people who won't be accepted anywhere else. Not to mention that it increased the depression rates, which increases suicide rates. Your laws have ostracized them, forced them to become criminals, and turned many of them to killing themselves, rather than living in a world where they are seen as disgusting."
He had to take a deep breath,
"Earth has seen all of this before, and one way or another, eventually someone will see what I am trying to say."
He rested the flag on the floor beside him, feet planted at shoulder width.
"I hope that this rational conversation will allow a more open mind on the council. I encourage you to talk to their representatives. They are more rational and educated than I am, and they can give you hard facts and statistics. But please, they don't want to cause trouble, if you allow them to do as they will, you might find these problems going away for you."
The human representative clearly did not seem convinced, but he didn't expect to convince her, he expected to convince the others who were more afraid than they were prejudiced.
"It seems as if we have some other potential policies to discuss, commander."
The chairwoman said, tapping her fingers on the table before her.
"I have a suggestion, ma'am."
"And that is?"
"A temporary revocation on the ban, that way you can SEE what the universe will be like without it, and you can judge for yourself whether The ban does any good. You don't have to overturn the law just yet, but temporarily suspend it, that way you can re institute at any time. Then you will have concrete proof. You can do testing, and polls and whatever else, then you would know for sure."
His suggestion turned into a discussion, that dragged on for many minutes before the chairwoman raised her hand,
"It has been decided, all in favor of this temporary proposal please indicate."
The voting lights flashed above them.
[…]
He walked from the venue, hours after he had entered.
The flag felt heavy in his hands, his boots thudded with exhaustion on the white marble below him.
Outside, the protest field was surprisingly silent, though he could still see their flags.
As he walked closer, he could see that the crowd was sitting down.
Their voices reached him from a distance at first, until he realized they were calmly singing with each other.
Waiting...
Suddenly the first people from the crowd noticed the two silhouettes coming from the chambers towards them.
A lone man and Drev, walking from the building.
The man was wearing riot gear, a full helmet, a shield, and carrying their flag, resting against his right shoulder.
The group of them began to stand, rising to their feet and yelling.
They quieted as he got closer.
"What did they say!? What did they say!?”
He passed the flag to the original protester who looked on at him with such an expression of pleading that he felt his eyes tingle a bit with rising emotion.
He had to look away, boosting himself onto Sunny's back, keying his mic.
The crowd was silent.
"I spoke to the GA. After a long debate, and a slim majority the GA have decided to temporarily revoke the ban on inter-species relationships until a-"
He didn't get to finish his sentence, drowned out by a powerful wave of noise and joy so overwhelming that he was nearly knocked backwards off his feet.
The crowd surged forward and Sunny staggered as the group surrounded them.
Adam found himself on the ground on his feet, enclosed by hundreds of pairs of arms, as every person tried their best to get one hand on him.
He was deafened by cheering and an outpouring of gratitude so profound he had simply never experienced such emotion.
He looked up at Sunny, pressed in with him by the enthusiastic crowd, she nodded her head in approval.
He grinned, he had to admit this felt pretty good.
Though, whether it was all over was a question for another time.
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I admire your luck, Mr...?
Bond. James Bond.

Special Agent 007, James Bond is the star agent of MI6. Always cool under pressure and licensed to kill, James is sent to infiltrate enemy organizations and destroy them from the inside. Over the decades, James Bond has gone from serious to campy and back again, but always manages to get the job done through wit, physical ability and superior equipment.
Bond generally wields a sidearm with lethal efficiency, along with a number of incredible gadgets developed by the geniuses at Q Branch. With his remarkable physical ability and ever-changing bag of tools, there isn't an international crime organization that Bond has failed to take down. The only thing that could possible distract Bond are his own vices: women or booze, both of which have gotten one over on him in the past.
James Bond Respect Threads by Actor
Sean Connery- 1962 to 1967, once more in 1971. Physically strong, numerous gadgets disguised as everyday items. Adept in traditional spy skills, like infiltration and observation.
George Lazenby- Once in 1969. Very similar to Connery in his craftiness, skilled specifically in winter sports.
Roger Moore- 1973 to 1985. Downright campy, making use of almost cartoonish skills that actually work in-universe. Skilled driver and pilot with a variety of gadgets.
Timothy Dalton- 1987 to 1989. Colder and more quick to become violent than the others. Usually carries a firearm and a lethal gadget to kill enemies.
Pierce Brosnan- 1995 to 2002. Best variety of gadgets of any Bond. Great feats of endurance and athletic ability.
Daniel Craig- 2006 to 2021. The most realistic Bond, yet has some of the most impressive physical abilities in any of the movies. Low variety of gadgets, but excels in gunfights.
Hover over a feat to see the film it’s from. Additionally, the name of any gif on Gfycat contains the last name of the actor that accomplished it.

Physicals

You have a nasty habit of surviving.
Well, you know what they say about the fittest.

Strength
Striking

• Breaks a wooden board with a downward strike
• Tackles a man through two bathroom stalls
• Barrels through a temporary construction wall
• Punches through drywall and wood to access a hidden room

Lifting/Throwing

• Picks up and throws a chair at a man, knocking him out
• Fights off an attacker with a couch
• Picks up and slides a man across a table
• Tosses a chain onto a low-flying helicopter to cause it to crash
• Holds a man above a ledge by the hair

Grip

• When he’s held underwater by two women, Bond surfaces and holds both of them underwater with one hand each
• Holds onto a small plane while the pilot tries to shake him off
• Catches a rope on a blimp and holds on even after it rises high into the air
• Holds onto the top of a speeding car, even when the driver attempts to shake him off
• Avoids falling out of a plane’s airlock by grabbing onto some netting
• Holds onto the outside of a moving seaplane, even after the pilot attempts to shake him off
• Holds onto the bottom of an elevator car as it rises up a skyscraper

Pushing

• With one other guy, Bond rolls this large concrete column
• Knocks over a large bookshelf

Other

• After being buried in snow by an avalanche, Bond climbs out and is relatively okay about a minute later
• Wrestles with a large constricting snake before killing it with a poison injector

Endurance
Blunt Force

• Keeps fighting after getting a wooden chair broken over his back
• Stays conscious after strikes from Oddjob
  • Oddjob RT
• Fights on through hits with a fireplace poker
• Jumps from a bridge to a passing boat, falling through the roof and onto a wedding cake
• While hanging onto a blimp, he’s smacked into the Golden Gate Bridge and quickly starts climbing up
• He’s knocked down a ladder, but recovers by the time he gets to the bottom rung
• Continues fighting Stamper after a number of blows to the face
• Falls from a low hot air balloon onto a domed structure, and he recovers by grabbing some nearby cables
  • Bond suffered a dislocated collarbone after this fall, however
• When jumping off a low crane, Bond stumbles, falling into a metal air vent. He’s up and running moments later.
• Recieves cock and ball torture by Le Chiffre’s rope, at first barely responding, then laughing in his torturer’s face
• Falls one or two stories onto the top of a bus, but gets up quickly
• Fights on after being hit across the back with a metal pipe four times
• Keeps fighting through repeated strikes from Hinx, like getting thrown into walls or getting thrown through thin walls
  • Mr. Hinx Respect Thread found here
• [Limit] Has a recurring weakness to blunt force trauma to the back of the head

Piercing/Cutting

• Keeps running despite being shot in the calf
  • He’s later seen patching up his calf in the bathroom, so he was definitely hit by a bullet
• Keeps fighting after being cut across the chest and being shot up by a nail gun
• Gets shot in the shoulder by a handgun, but operates mostly unimpeded

Other

• Resists being garroted long enough to grab a knife, stabbing his attacker and turning the garrote wire back on him
• Takes over 12 Gs of force before destroying the machine with an armor-piercing dart
  • Real-life astronauts are typically trained to withstand up to 9 Gs of force.
• Gets electrocuted with a gauntlet that can output 100,000 volts, which leaves him writhing in pain but conscious
  • Scene describing the electrical weapon, where the 100,000 volt figure is from
• Bond is shot by a sniper rifle and falls off a high bridge into water. After three months, Bond is mostly physically able again, although his aim is more noticeably affected.
• Endures having a small surgical drill bore into the back of his skull and into the part of the brain that deals with recognition, seemingly to no negative neurological effect

Agility
Movement

• Chases down an assassin, tackling him
• Takes a running jump up to a rising platform
• Catches up to an aircraft taking off on the runway
• Runs and jumps into a closing metal door
• Catches up to an airplane during takeoff, jumping into the plane through the landing gear
• Catches up to a fleeing truck on a runway, although it obviously hasn’t accelerated to full speed
• Escapes a CIA squad with just a moment's warning
• Runs away from a fireball caused by a house-sized explosion

Reflexes

• While on the ground, he dodges katana swings
• Dodges a thrown knife, then pulls it out of the wood behind him to kill the assassin
• Dodges a dune buggy at close range
• Evades shotgun fire from a pursuer
• Evades rifle fire, then shoots the enemy gunman
• Evades handgun fire with a roll, then avoids some distant machine gun fire
• Dodges a harpoon underwater
• When a man attempts to shoot Bond’s knees from nearly point blank range, Bond moves his legs to avoid the shots
• Uses an enemy to block gunfire
• While sitting in the passenger seat, Bond grabs the driver’s arm before they can shoot him
• Rolls away from an incendiary grenade’s detonation moments after noticing it

Combat Skill

Problem solver?
More of a problem eliminator.

Unarmed Combat
Quick Knock Outs

• Judo flips an attacker, then punches him
• Dispatches a guard with a neck strike
• Silently KOs a man, then steals his equipment to blend in with a scuba crew
• KOs a guard with a judo chop
• Stealthily KOs a guard from behind cover
• Knocks a man out with one kick to the head
• Ends an attempted fistfight with an elbow and then slamming the man on a table
• Knocks out a man by slamming him into the walls of an elevator twice
• Punches a guy out in two strikes
• Consistently one-punches goons
• From a sprint, Bond jumps and kicks a man in the face to knock him out

Against Individuals

• Breaks a hold from behind by a man who wrestles alligators
• Fights evenly with Grant in a train car, with both men getting in hits before Grant begins garroting Bond with a concealed wire
  • Grant is a trained Russian assassin who no-sells strikes to the stomach with brass knuckles
• Sweeps Pussy Galore to the floor, then reverses her judo throw attempt
• Wrestles with Hans before flipping him into a piranha pond
• Flips a man with judo throws twice
• Defeats a strong, tough guy in the hotel
• Has an awesome fistfight with a heavyset henchman, ending with Bond punching him off a rooftop
• Fights an assassin while dangling outside of a moving plane
• Has an extended fistfight with Alec Trevylyn, former agent 006, ending with Alec grabbing a handgun to hold Bond at gunpoint
• During a fight, he breaks a man’s arm, then punches him off a ledge
• Brawls with a martial artist on the outside of a crane

Against Multiple Attackers

• Knocks out six men when fleeing on a rooftop
• Starts thrashing technicians until one pulls a gun
• Defeats four guards in hand-to-hand combat
• Knocks out two attackers who ambushed him
• Drops about four men in a bar fight
• While handcuffed, Bond knocks out four surrounding MI6 agents in an elevator
• Drops two guards with one strike each

Against Armed Attackers

• Kicks away a gunman's gun, then beats him up in the ocean
• Disarms an armed woman with one hand
• While unarmed, Bond fights with a knife-wielding villain, with Bond disarming him and tackling him into water
• Disarms a woman and puts her in a painful armhold
• Disarms a gunman and knocks him down some stairs
• Has an extended fight with a man with a machete while in a confined space. Bond himself was unarmed, although he did ball up his jacket to block some strikes.
• Takes out a CIA riot officer with an elbow to the face
• While completely unarmed, defeats a man wielding an axe, even tricking him into slicing his own foot
• Brawls with an assassin armed with a sniper rifle before dropping him out of a skyscraper
• Intentionally breaks the ice on a frozen lake to bring a gunman down into the water, then Bond chokes him to death with his leg

With Weapons
Blades

• Kills a man with his own knife in one maneuver
• In just a few moves, Bond defeats a henchman in a machete fight, throwing him into a container full of snakes
• Steals a man’s knife, then pins his tie to a nearby counter
• Swordfights with a trained fencer, eventually switching to broadswords, where Bond draws first blood from the torso
• While being held at knifepoint, Bond turns and kills the man with his own knife after a struggle

Blunt Objects

• Breaks a man’s neck with a fireplace poker
• Disarms a diver, then uses the harpoon gun to shatter their goggles
• Using an oar, Bond fights off a man with a large hook
• Uses a ski to knock a man off of a cliff, then kills another man after a struggle
• While unarmed, Bond is attacked by an assassin with a knife, but manages to kill the assassin with a pair of scissors
• Spots an attacker in the reflection of a bronze decoration, then uses the decoration to bludgeon them
• Fights off four men who were beating him with a bat moments before, making heavy use of furniture and blunt items

Unorthodox Items

• Defeats three men in the confined space of a cockpit
• Throws flammable alcohol onto an assassin, igniting him
• Beats down a guard with a door, then five strikes
• Takes out two motorcycle-riding assassins with a long plank of wood
• Uses a ski pole to set a trap for a motorbike-riding assassin
• Knocks out a prison guard while handcuffed, at one point using the cuffs on the man's face
• Defeats two men in a crumbling building, using exposed wiring and a nail gun to dispatch them

Environment Focused

• Brawls with an assassin in a hotel room before throwing him into a bathtub and knocking a fan into the water, electrocuting him
• Kills Oddjob by using exposed electrical wiring on a metal cage that Oddjob was touching
• Tricks Jaws into hitting a wood column, knocking a wooden structure over himself
• Brawls with Jaws atop a cable car
• Fights off three hockey player assassins in a hockey rink, taking one out with the zamboni
• Judo throws a goon onto a bed of spikes
• While pinned to a wooden door by knives, he opens the door and kills an assassin with one of the knives
• Smacks a henchman with a plane’s antenna, throwing him off the plane
• Tosses maggots at a gunman, then knocks him out and judo throws him into the maggots
• Bond drags a guard into water and drowns him
• Bond ties a rope around Mr. Hinx’s neck and attaches it to a weight, then kicks that weight off the train to pull Hinx away

Accuracy

You wouldn’t kill me. You’d miss me.
I never miss.

Pistols

• Grabs Goldfinger’s gun and fires on an airplane window, sucking the villain out of the plane
• Shoots a gunman despite their being behind a column for cover
• Right after waking up, he shoots a ninja in the dark
• Poses as a wax figure and shoots Scaramanga
• Shoots three soldiers with his Walther P5, two of them being headshots
• Accurately hits a gunman from a moving speedboat
• Shoots a gunman through a wooden floor
• Uses a human shield to block bullets, then returns fire, killing a gunman
• Turns and fires on a man before he can fire
• Shoots a man while hanging upside-down by the leg
• Disarms and shoots two policemen
• Disarms the man holding him at gunpoint, then kills four other armed men in seconds
• Shoots two fire extinguishers to obscure the room and allow hostages to safely escape
• While handcuffed and at gunpoint, Bond steals the gun to shoot his captors

Against Vehicles

• Uses the Walther PPK to shoot out a dune buggy’s front tire
• Fires a Taurus PT92 into the engine of an oncoming Jeep, disabling it
• From a speedboat, Bond accurately hits a helicopter’s engine enough with a handgun to cause it to crash

Rifles/Submachine Guns

• Using a sniper rifle, Bond shoots a man in a helicopter, causing him to drop his grenade inside
• Fires a rifle, killing three goons, while sliding down a bannister
• Kills at least 8 men with a submachine gun in a short timeframe
• Turns around and shoots a gunman before he can kill his hostage. Note that Bond turns and fires right after the gunman receives orders to kill the hostage.
• Spots a sneaking soldier dressed in black and kills him with a rifle
• Fires on a guard before the guard can fire his weapon
• From a speeding hovercraft, Bond hits small land mines to detonate them on his pursuers
• Uses a Sa vz. 58 Compact to escape Blofeld’s facility, killing nearly a dozen guards, even at extreme range

Other Firearms

• Turns and immediately shoots a harpoon gun, killing a stealthy assassin
• Takes out a distant sniper by firing a shotgun
• Accurately shoots a sniper’s rifle with his own, rather than kill her
• Escapes a crowd of divers by stealing a harpoon gun and firing it into a nearby seaplane, pulling himself away

Non-Firearm Accuracy

• Throws three scalpels into a man’s arm and chest
• Throws a knife into a specific date on a calendar from across a room
• When the auto-targeting system fails, Bond manually shoots down a capsule full of viruses with a laser cannon
• Kills a man with a climbing spike

Other Skills

I always enjoyed learning a new tongue.
You always were a cunning linguist, James.

Athletics

• Dives off an oil rig into the ocean below
• Avoids machine gun fire while skiing
• Continues skiing after losing a ski
• While skiing, Bond jumps and twists to smack two gunmen with his skis
• Goes rock climbing on a nearly vertical rock wall
• Temporarily outswims the pull of an industrial fan before destroying it with his air tank
• Performs a HALO jump into water, then immediately begins scuba diving
• Swims outside of a submarine, scaling the surface until he can re-enter the vessel on the other side. He had to hold his breath for almost two minutes while scaling the outside of the submarine.
• Infiltrates North Korea by simply surfing onto the coast of the country
• Parasurfs off a collapsing iceberg
• Leaps from a crashing plane, catching up to his partner and using her parachute to save them both

Driving/Piloting
Driving

• Weaves around a parking lot, causing a dozen cop cars to crash into themselves, walls or parked cars
• Briefly drives on two wheels to slip through a narrow alley
• Drifts a double decker bus, causing a couple cops to crash their motorcycles
• Jumps over a river in a car using a broken bridge as a ramp
• While driving, he knocks over barrels onto enemies, then drives on two wheels to block bullets
• Drives a car over a ramp, onto a bus, then back to ground level

Piloting Aircraft

• Picks up a villain's wheelchair with a helicopter, then drops him into a smokestack
• Avoids a heat-seeking missile while piloting a small plane, redirecting it into an enemy hangar
• Dodges a stinger missile by driving a semi-truck on only the left hand wheels
• Starts a helicopter in midair and lands safely
• While flying a much less maneuverable plane, Bond tricks a fighter jet into crashing into a mountainside by producing smoke from a damaged engine
• Ejects a pilot from a helicopter, then pulls the helicopter out of freefall

Other

• Jumps a speedboat over a small patch of land
• Drifts a tank, then drives through a building to cause untold property damage

Traversal

• Performs a front flip off a ledge
• Traverses a ski lift wire with nothing more than a pair of mittens
• Traverses the underside of an oil rig by swinging on a rope, then walking a tightrope
• Jumps on the back of a couple alligators to escape a swamp
• Swings on vines like Tarzan to escape pursuers
• Traverses the side of a moving train
• Uses a long pole to safely travel down a building, then releases the pole to smack a pursuing officer
• Performs a combat roll down stairs to avoid handgun fire
• Runs up a crane to reach the top of a building under construction
• Climbs up a vertical I-beam
• From the top of a moving truck, Bond runs and flips through the open windshield
• Jumps down a story onto stone, rolling to avoid impact damage

Stealth

• Uses a hollow reed to hide underwater from guards and dogs
• Hides in plain sight by pretending to be making out, but it’s actually just his own arms wrapped around himself
• Evades a crowd of police
• Lowers his heart rate to trick medical staff and an EKG, then dispatches the staff and escapes the hospital
• Broke into M’s house to use her computer

Other

• [Observation] Notices an attacker in the reflection of a woman’s eye, then uses her as a human shield to block a strike
• [Foreign Language] Learned several Asian languages at Cambridge
• [Alcoholism] Can tell the temperature of alcohol after one sip
• [Deception] Poses as a genealogist under the pseudonym Sir Hillary Bray. After a few days, Blofeld sees through the ruse and has Bond captured.
• [Underwater] Ties a boat to a large rock with the rope he’s bound in, causing the boat to break the rope, freeing Bond
• [Sleight of Hand] Switches out a priceless Faberge egg for a fake copy
• [Animal Commanding] Commands a wild tiger to sit, and it actually listens
• [Gambling] Wins a quarter of a million dollars at a high stakes gambling table
• [Invention] Descends a tall building with some rope and an unconscious body
• [Seduction] Seduces a married woman to learn more about her husband’s criminal activity
• [Preparation] Puts shotgun shells under the floorboards in order to fire on intruders when they step on them
• [Observation] Identifies a hidden door based on a tiny sliver of light through the crack

Equipment

Right, now pay attention 007. I want you to take great care of this equipment. There are one or two rather special accessories.
Q, have I ever let you down?
Frequently.

Weapons
Firearms

• Carries a Walther PPK, a discreet pistol with excellent stopping power
• A collapsible Armalite AR-7 sniper rifle with an infrared sight, allowing for use in the dark
• Bond carries a S&W model 29 revolver in early Moore films, then later switches to his iconic Walther PPK, then, finally, uses the Walther P5
• Carries a very small firearm, the Beretta 950 Jetfire
• Has a firearm disguised as a camera. Additionally, the device is programmed to Bond’s own palm signature, meaning only he can fire the weapon.
  • The camera gun can be outfitted with a scope and tripod for long range fire
• A suppressed UMP-9, used to fire on Mr. White’s leg at range
• A Walther PPK with a palm-print sensor coded to Bond’s hand, meaning only he can fire it
  • Sure enough, when someone else tries to use it, it just doesn’t fire
• A heavily modified Glock 17, with laser sight and microphone attachment

Other

• A combat knife
• A projectile launcher disguised as a cigarette, gifted to Bond by a ninja master
• A grenade disguised as a ballpoint pen
  • By tossing the grenade pen into a pool of fuel, an explosion and destructive fire is formed
• A grenade disguised as a lighter
• A flashbang explosive disguised as a handgun, used to stun three gunmen, allowing Bond to dispatch them

Gadgets
Mobility

• A grappling gun and cord that attaches to his pants, allowing him to scale the outside of a skyscraper
  • Can be outfitted with metal projectiles and used as a firearm instead
• Briefly wore a ninja outfit with suction cups on the palms and knees, used to scale down metal walls
• Flies away from a fight with a jetpack
• A belt with a hidden high-tensile cord, enough to support Bond’s own weight
  • Using the belt cord, Bond swings Spider-Man-style across a room and out a window

Reconnaissance/Infiltration

• A small explosive, used to blow a lock off a cell door
• Has a small safe-cracking device disguised as a cigarette case
• Special glasses to see through tinted glass
• Photocopier disguised as a checkbook
• A digital skeleton key disguised as a gift card
• Binoculars built into a pair of glasses
• Sunglasses with built in X-ray vision, allowing Bond to detect concealed weapons and see through women’s clothing
• A powerful camera, used to identify the faces of high profile criminals with just a few pixels
• A cell phone that acts as a fingerprint scanner, a powerful taser and as a remote control for a BMW

Continued in Comments

a somewhat short chapter as I’m busy
(story start)—————— 4
A few hours later
Another devil cam to the front of the warehouse entrance and dropped off a tray of what seems to be alien food before swiftly leave.
Then the devil he was talking to retrieved the food and showed it to him, she then gestured to the tray of food and said
“(Food)”
Before playing a video of a devil eating food, before taking one her self and eating it.
Naturally Franz is alert when being offered food and demands to knows its composition, as he doesn’t know if it’s harmful for him to eat.
“Explain… composition”
Unknown to Franz the Cre’taxians still thought he was a robot and that the food was for the newly appointed negotiator to eat.
At Franz’s response the devil…. No the Cre’taxsian frowns as those 2 words are still not within the database and it the first time she’s hearing it.
It took awhile for Franz to realize his mistake and took out his phone to show the appearance of an atom.
The Cre’taxsian negotiator seems interested in his phone’s design but understands it functions the same as her crystal iPad.
“Atom”
He then shows a few more drawings of atoms and said “Atom” each time
Then he shows a compound H2O (water) and said “composition”
He swipes back to the Atoms that makes up water and points at them before pointing back at the compound.
“Compound”
He then shows a few more simple compounds and points out their atomic make up.
With all that done Franz points to blue alien sand which and said “compound”
The Cre’taxsian frowns a bit before turning on her coms to communicate with the scientists who were watching their interactions.
After a brief back and forth the negotiator taps her pad to show him a bunch of compounds.
Franz squints a bit as they showed him the compounds as 3D model of atoms bonding each other to form a compound.
Like it’s understandable that they didn’t show him the hexagon diagram with English letters on it.
Franz was pretty good chemistry and biology back in high school so he recognizes the fats and amino acids.
‘Those chains of Carbon and 2 Hydrogen must be fats and those….. hmm… everything looks fine to me’ he thought, while he’s no expert chemist he’s saving up money to continue his studies.
Of course the thought that the devils might be lying to him did cross his mind but that still doesn’t change the fact that he’s still trapped in a building surrounded by them.
Not taking their food despite being offered to him might seem rude, especially since the negotiator personally demonstrated that the food is safe to eat by eating one herself.
Besides that do they actually know what’s harmful to a human? Judging by the fact that they’re trying to transcribe English for the last few hours should be a great indicator that this is the first time they meet a human.
After some careful thinking Franz decided to take them up on the offer and took off the respirator covering his face.
Hisssss
“(Gasp)”
The moment he took off his respirator that covers his lower face, the negotiator gasped hard and eyes went wide at the sight.
“(Oh My Goddess! he was an actual man!)” the fresh academy recruit exclaims over the coms —————————————— In the conference room
Everyone was stunned silence for a while as they didn’t quite believe what they’re seeing.
“(he’s actually a male!)”
“(Just by looking at that jawline I can tell that he must have a gorgeous face)”
Discussion broke out amongst the staff
The district commander like the rest of the staff was stunned at first the frowns before contemplating how to deal with this situation.
She the then brought up what she knows about him so far, then she rewatches a brief compilation of the incredible feats he has done so far.
From jump wall to wall to climb a 4 stores building to his mostly recent one beating 3 Hasperax Enforcer mechs.
As she was thinking what to do when an urgent coms request came
She looks at the sender and cursed before sighing
‘Just great’ she thought as the call is from her mother, news must have spread of the 30 or so elite enforcers tactical group along with 3 Hasperax Enforcer mech got wiped out.
Her mother being a senator in pay a lot of attention to reputation.
‘Well then here goes nothing’ she sighs before picking it up.
“(Hello mother……)”
A while later after a long scolding and explanation she puts the communicator back down.
She looks around the room before saying “(It’s out of our hands now)”
She sighs as she sits back down in her chair —————————————————————
Back to Franz
He finished up the alien sandwich before he suddenly hears a commotion out side.
He rushes to a near by window to see what’s happening.
‘Oh boy’ he thought as the troops outside just got replaced by new ones, what’s more is that the new troops are even more armed and armored than the previous one.
The previous ones primarily made up of uniformed officers while these new arrivals are all wearing the same armor that seems fairly high tech.
‘So these must be their military’ Franz thought as the previous bunch must have just been their police force.
At this time the negotiator’s coms suddenly became busy as it seems that a new development has happened.
After their conversation the negotiator turns to Franz and attempted to convey what was happening, unfortunately the vocabulary list is still too short and so could understand.
As the negotiator was still trying convey what was going a dozen of the armored soldiers came rushing through the entrance with their weapons drawn.
Seeing them rushing in Franz leaps towards the side and picks up 2 alien rays guns on the floor before taking cover behind a support column.
As the soldiers in fancy armor pointed their guns at him, he returned the courtesy on by pointing both the ray guns that he has acquired back at them.
…..
After awhile tension slowly rosed
The situation only got diffused when the voice of an angry Cre’taxsian was heard.
Only then did the soldiers lowered their weapon.
Like wise Franz also lowers his weapon.
Then a Cre’taxsian female with a fancy coat and hat arrives, she then looks at the situation within the warehouse.
A bunch of still unconscious elite Enforcers, the wrecks of 3 Hasperax Enforcer mechs and the still standing alien male without a single scratch.
Looking at the pile of unconscious Elite Enforcers that littered the back one of her eyes visibly twitched before she barked a string of orders to the negotiator who quickly salutes and replied in short sentences.
Franz doesn’t know what they’re talking about but he can make an educated guess.
After a brief conversation the negotiator turns to him and said
“Weapon…. Ground” she then gestures for the ray gun in his hand then to the ground.
‘You want me to drop my weapons?’ Franz wondered as he looks at the weapon then to her then back to the ground.
He thoughts for a bit before doing as she suggested and drops the ray guns to the floor.
Drop Drop
Seeing that he drops the ray guns to the floor the 2 of the soldiers then slowly makes their way to him.
These 2 are especially fancier than the rest as they wore capes.
‘What do they want now?’ Franz wondered as he stood still not sure what these 2 caped soldiers want to do.
‘Maybe a fancy ceremony?’ He wondered
When they reached his sides, one on each side then they suddenly leaps into action as they tried to detained him.
‘Mother fuckers!’ Franz cursed as they betrayed his trust.
The enraged Franz easily broke free from their grip, pushed them aside before kicking a ray gun that he has just dropped up.
Franz caught it in mid air before shooting the caped bastard in the head
Beam
The shot hit her helmet but besides a burn mark it didn’t seemed to do anything, seeing that it barely done anything Franz used the alien gun as a club and smacked her hard.
Smack
‘That seems to have done something’ Franz thought as the caped alien he has just smacked in the head got knocked to side.
The alien’s helmet got dented and the gun he used to smack her crumbled into its individual components.
Then Franz turns his attention to the other caped alien, he grabs her by the neck and lifts her off the ground.
Choke
The aliens wisses and flails around as she tries to get his hand off her neck.
Franz then moves the alien that he’s chocking mid air to between himself and the formation of alien soldiers in case they tries to take a potshot out of him.
Oddly enough despite the commotion the rest of the soldiers didn’t moved, the alien with the fancy coat also just stood by and just watched the event happening infront of her.
Since they’re not ganna do anything Franz continues to choke the caped alien mid air.
Meanwhile the other caped alien has gotten back up and tries ti tackle him, unfortunately for her Franz just picks up his stun baton and just smacks her again.
Smack Zaaaaaaaap “(eeeeep!)”
With a yelp she fell to the cold.
With that the only caped soldier left is the one he was still choking mid air.
Franz didn’t rush to zap this other one with his baton as it would make a better meat shield if it’s still flailing around like this.
Besides that he highly doubt that the commander would just stand by watch him slowly chokes her soldier to death in front of her.
It didn’t take long before she muttered something.
Franz then turns to the translator to translate
“Cre’taxsian….. Ground….” The negotiator then gestures to the dangling soldier then to the ground.
Franz looks at the negotiator, the soldiers at that back that still hasn’t moved, the women with a fancy coat alternately for a bit before eventually letting go.
Slop
The caped soldier fell to the ground before frantically taking her helmet off before desperately taking in air.
As the soldier desperately taking in air the women in fancy coat moves forward.
She went to where the fallen soldier who’s desperately catching her breath.
She said something to her before kneeling down and ripping a badge off her chest, she did the same to the unconscious one before turning back to Franz and handing it to him.
Franz stares a bit not quite sure how to make of the current situation but even so he just accepts the badges and stuffs them into his pocket.
Then the women in the fancy cape gestures to the entrance of the warehouse where the soldiers are already line up on both sides.
‘Okay?’ He frowns a bit before cautiously walking towards the entrance, he walks in between the 2 rows of soldiers and out of the warehouse.
The rows of soldiers seems to lead to an aerial vehicle of some sort with its door open.
At this point it’s pretty clear where they want him to go.
Besides that up in the sky there’s a whole lot more alien helicopters flying around, some of them looks like gunships with large canon attached to the bottom.
One thing to note about the aerial vehicles of this place is that they don’t seems to use fan blades or thrusters to fly.
Anyways Franz boarded the alien flyer.

FYI, this is a story COLLECTION. Lots of standalones technically. So, you can basically start to read at any chapter, no pre-read of the other chapters needed technically (other than maybe getting better descriptions of characters than: Adam Vir=human, Krill=antlike alien, Sunny=tall alien, Conn=telepathic alien). The numbers are (mostly) only for organization of posts and continuity.
OC Written by Charlie Stastarrfallknightrise,
Typed up and then posted here by me.
Proofreading and language check for some chapters by u/Finbar9800
Future Lore and fact check done by me.
Damn! The last LFIL chapter a while ago had a pretty legendary photograph moment, but this one tops it by far!
Previous First [Next](link)
Want to find a specific one, see the whole list or check fanart?
Here is the link to the master-post.
"Please everyone, calm yourselves. The Galactic Assembly is addressing the issue as we speak."
The crowd roiled and churned like the bubbles in a pot of boiling water. Flags waved and voices rose high into the air.
The chanting increased in fervor.
"Please!"
The Rundi struggled to raise his voice high enough to be heard over the crowd, who only grew with strength and intensity.
Commander Vir keyed his mic,
"Delta units to the GA side of the crowd, some of these protesters are looking extremely agitated. Let's make sure they don't do anything we're all going to regret.”
He stood with his back to the GA chambers, its wide arching courtyard devoid of life, except for those unfortunate Rundi ordered to carry messages from one side of the compound to the other, otherwise they tried to keep their distance from the front facade of the building and the churning mass of protesters.
White flags waved and fluttered.
Commander Vir held the energy shield with one arm, pressing it back firmly against the crowd, so they could not pass the dedicated marking point.
"Commander, the crowd over here is getting violent."
He grimaced and reached a hand down to open the line,
"Stun them and let them calm down, do NOT catch anyone else in the crossfire. We do not want this escalating."
"Yes sir."
Something pushed against his shield and he grunted, pushing back.
The white bandanna on his arm was pressed against the clear blue force field and helped to at least confuse the crowd before them.
And luckily, they would be kept too confused to get violent.
The aliens among the human protesters helped as well.
If this was on earth, things would have broken out into a riot by now, but the Drev the Tesraki and the Finnari tended to be more levelheaded when it came to these kinds of things, and they managed to reign in their humans from doing something stupid.
He closed his eyes tight for a second, praying that the GA would rethink their position.
It hurt him to watch these people struggle like this.
It just felt so strange that anyone should be here in the first place.
Beside him, Sunny had taken control of two young humans who were getting a bit more than rowdy,
"Let’s keep this a protest, and not a riot."
She growled, giving them a look that would have made anyone quell in their boots. It sort of made him half smile, Sunny was such a badass, he wanted to be more like her when he eventually grew up.
His thoughts were cut off, as the crowd churned a bit, pressing into his shield.
He keyed his mic again, prepared to go over the loudspeaker and tell them that if they didn't calm down he was going to turn this protest into a mass nap time.
He had the power to do that if things got out of hand, though he honestly didn't want to.
The GA needed to see this.
He was so preoccupied with the crowd, that he barely noticed as the Rundi ran up from the inside of the compound, flying forward on its long spindly legs.
It stopped by the first Rundi to say something, and the conversation that passed between them didn't look particularly encouraging.
HIs heart sank into his stomach.
He felt... Surprisingly disappointed, very sad for all those people who were going to get their day ruined.
The Rundi waffled around at the front of the crowd for a bit before turning and looking over to where he stood.
Oh great.
The Rundi walked over, and he backed off from the crowd, allowing Sunny to take a step in his place with her shield at the ready.
The people looked as if they were about to start something, but seeing her expression, they decided not to.
He dropped his shield and lowered his head to hear the Rundi over the roaring of the crowd.
"The GA is not budging."
The Rundi whispered,
"They are asking the protesters to leave."
Adam growled in frustration.
Behind him someone in the crowd pointed at him,
"They're saying no aren't they!?”
Others took up the call, and soon enough the rest of the crowd had been alerted. Adam was forced to run back to support Sunny, as everything suddenly grew more intense.
Fights were breaking out on the left and the right.
People were hitting the ground as the guards were forced to stun them.
That only agitated the rest of the crowd who also began to buck and fight.
Adam keyed the mic for real this time, filling the intervening space with his booming voice,
”ALL OF YOU KNOCK IT OFF RIGHT NOW OR I WILL STUN YOU ALL."
The aggression in the crowd died down, though the anger remained sizzling at the surface.
Overhead clouds passed over the sun, before him the crowd roared like a wave, and behind him the GA council chambers were as silent as a ghost town.
"LISTEN, QUIET DOWN ALL OF YOU."
It sort of felt as if he was floating.
The world around him hardly seemed real though that was not the best way to explain it.
The crowd died down a bit,
"You may not understand this! And I have said it before, but these are not humans. Protests don't work on them. When they see a group of angry humans, they get scared and when they get scared, they double down even further. I know it does not make any sense to you NOT to protest for what you believe in, but if you are going to do this, you MUST remain civil. Even now the GA is frightened by you. They don't believe you are rational, and they are not going to listen to you if this keeps up."
The crowd had quieted down to a milling sort of confusion.
"Then what should we do!"*
The shouting came from somewhere and in anger, though he couldn't pinpoint the source.
In frustration he nudged Sunny, and she allowed him to climb on her back as he had before.
The crowd could see him now, and he could see them for the most part.
He waved them down trying to cut off the others who had taken up the chant.
"I understand what you are trying to do, and I support your efforts, but you are only hurting ourselves. The GA can only be won by rational discussion."
"The GA won't see any of our representatives. They are debating only on their own facts and opinions."
One of the crowd's people snarled. The call was echoed and Adam stared at them in shock,
"Wait what!? Are you serious?”
There was a muttering throughout the crowd.
"For fuck's sake."
He muttered under his breath,
"The Rudi think none of us are high ranking enough to be allowed into the council chambers, and none of the representatives will take up our cause. The human ambassador thinks we are disgusting, so she won't do anything and says she won’t represent our minority."
The muttering through the crowd grew louder.
Adam looked around, head turning to see all the angry faces, blushed with red, or streaked with tears.
These people were frustrated, and hurt, and he understood why.
This wasn't right!
He closed his eyes again and took another deep breath.
What was he thinking!?
He stepped down from Sunny's back and walked over to one of the protestors in the front row, pointing to his large flag on a pole that was about eight feet tall.
"May I borrow your flag?"
The protester stared on at him in confusion,
"What, why?"
"Because, I am going to give you the representative you need."
[…]
Commander Vir and Sunny walked alone down the length of the GA outer courtyard.
A billowing white flag streamed lazily over his head, suspended there by way of the pole which rested heavily on his shoulder. The white of the fabric had been marred now by many colors as hundreds of rushed signatures had been scrawled on its face.
He was armed with the backing of a thousand protesters, a hundred signatures, and more than a few dozen stories.
Sunny turned her head to look at him, and he fancied that maybe he saw an expression of pride in her eyes, though she didn't say much except,
"Pretty brave."
He didn't feel very brave, and as they walked through the front doors of the GA atrium, his hand was shaking against the cold metal of the flagpole.
He was stopped by a pair of Rundi guards on his way into the chamber, but was let in after they recognized who he was.
He could hear voices up ahead, and the sounds of the protest going on outside had all but died away,
"They have proven that they cannot be civil, and based on the humanizing effect, we can assume they will do similar things to any non-human lifeform that they encounter."
"I may not agree with their decision counselor, but that sounds like your prejudice against humans is seeping through."
There was an uproar in the council chamber.
He paused for a moment, staying with Sunny just out of line of sight and took a deep breath.
She lay a hand on his shoulder.
"Here goes nothing."
He muttered, before stepping his way out onto the GA floor.
At first no one noticed his presence as he made his slow way into the center of the circle, but his large, white flag soon changed that.
The council chambers went silent.
The chairwoman stood,
"Commander, what are you doing here. Shouldn't you be taking care of the protesters?”
His lips drew into a thing line,
"With all due respect councilwoman, I am."
He rammed the flagpole against the stone, sending a loud cracking sound out and around the wide atrium silencing the council,
"I have been made aware that you refuse to see their representatives based on a ranking issue, well I assume my rank is high enough."
The Human rep leaned forward,
"Commander, this is not your place!”
He shot her a look,
"Then whose place is it counselor? I heard a certain democratic counselor refuses to speak for them because they are and I quote “a too small and insignificant minority”…”
He turned his head in a wide arc at the watching crowd,
"Counselors, you have known me, longer than you have known any human currently in this galaxy. You understand that I know your rules and your customs. You understand that I have only ever striven to protect and uphold the GA and the planet's it encompasses. I have thwarted wars, signed treaties, and broken my own body for your best interests."
There was silence about the room.
"Will you let me speak now, with the understanding that my loyalty has never wavered from you, and never will?”
The silence continued.
Aliens understood the power of human loyalty.
Or at least they should…
The chairwoman took a seat,
"Very well, commander."
He lifted his head, feeling his heart slow as he took a few deep breaths. There was a muscle in his face that had begun to twitch, like it always did if he was extremely angry or nervous, but he held it down,
"I understand you are frightened, and I understand that you are confused, but I want you to know first of all that those people outside are good average people. They don't mean you any harm. They are hurting, and they are afraid for themselves, and they are trying to get your attention. Historically, humanity has used protests to right the injustices of government to combat prejudices brought on by one's sex or the color of their skin. You must understand that they see this as an impingement on their happiness and a decision made out of line."
There was a murmur around the room.
"So, I ask you now, that I may, perhaps, answer your questions and ease your worries. Why are you so against them?"
"It's unnatural."
It was the Bran representative that had spoken, and he did it quite emphatically.
"Why?"
The commander asked,
"Because they aren't even the same species."
"So?"
The Bran seemed caught off guard,
"They... It's not natural. They can't reproduce, so it isn't... A thing that should be done."
The commander shrugged,
"So if one can't reproduce then they aren't natural? I see a couple issues in that logic relating to prejudices against people with infertility."
There was a murmur around the room.
"So, they can't reproduce, so what? You know who we can reproduce with though... Adaptids."
There was a sort of hushed exclamation form around the room.
The commander shrugged,
"They can't have kids.... Hardly a good enough argument to bring to the floor of a government discussion."
"What he is trying to say is that this practice equates itself to bestiality. It is utterly disguting!"
It was the human representative this time, and she stared at him with her eyes narrowed in anger.
He kept his cool, though he very much did not like her.
"That is absolutely disgusting and wildly insulting of you because that implies that one or both parties are no better than animals, beasts as you will."
The room was silent,
"So which one is it, are humans animals, counselor, are the Finnari or the Rundi animals?"
He turned to the Drev counselor,
"Are the Drev just dumb animals that have no understanding, and no decision making abilities?”
The Drev representative stood, angrily cracking his spear against the stone,
"We are most certainly not!"
The commander held up his hands,
"Then what is so bestial about it? Bestiality is absolutely disgusting because you are taking advantages of a creature that can neither understand nor protect itself from what you are doing. It cannot say yes, and it cannot say no. It has no greater understanding than that of a child, and so cannot make its own decisions."
He looked towards the Finnari representative,
"Tell me counselor, is your species a species of children, with no greater concept of their own decision making?”
"Of course not. Why would you even imply such a thing!?”
"I imply nothing, counselor. This is what YOU imply with your decision. So far we have established that all parties are intelligent consenting creatures, and none of you have managed to give me an actually good reason for banning the practice."
The floor was growing more agitated.
"They will be a poor example for the rest of the galaxy. If we make it legal others will surely follow."
Adam turned his eyes on the speaker, an Iotin,
"You're worried that they are going to turn the rest of the galaxy extrial?"
He laughed,
"That is a poor argument which is not only selfish, but foolish. People should be allowed to make their own decisions. And assuming you are right, what then? Oh no... There are a few more extrials... And it does... What exactly?"
He turned in a wide circle,
"If you are worried about population growth or in this case population falloff due to this issue then you should be reminded that extrials comprise a percentage of the human population so small that I could fit the greater majority of them on my ship comfortably. This occurrence is not common, and even if the numbers were to rise, it would not be of enough significance to cause issues."
His heart was hammering hard inside his chest. He felt like he was doing alright, but that might mean nothing.
"In any event, these relationships do not affect the vast majority of the galaxy. Humans cannot be with the Bran or the Rundi due to the water we shed from our skin. The Gromm and the Iotins are out for similar reasons. Vrul and Gibb are incapable of having feelings for humans in that way as far as we know, and both the Tvek and the Celzex are too different from humans for either party to be interested."
He walked around in a circle, allowing the flag to trail behind him,
"Furthermore, the humanization phenomenon happens with or without romantic intent, and as it is, its mention is more a mark of prejudice on humans than it is an argument against the two groups being together."
He left the floor open for a little while, as the council muttered with each other.
Finally, the Drev representative stood,
"My species culture and our way of life has been upturned by the GA. I fear relationships with humans will result in the loss of our culture. We have already strayed far from what we originally were. We are hardly recognizable as Drev anymore."
The commander let his voice soften,
"I understand that the Drev have lost a lot in joining this..."
Sunny held up a hand, and in surprise he was cut off.
She took the floor,
"Your Glory…"
She said bowing her head,
"If you would have truly upheld those ideals, you would not be sitting on this council."
The Drev pulled back in surprise at her words,
"Yes, we lost a lot in joining the GA, and after the war, but I would argue that some of that was for good. Before the GA people like me, with perceived imperfection were cast into the fire and perceived as no better than animals. This practice still takes place on our planet, where these traditions are still alive and well."
Her words made the room shift nervously,
"However, culture changes and adapts, and it must to survive. We changed in order to live among the GA. We found other alternatives to fighting that still maintain our honor and our prowess in war, and this includes the sports that the humans have brought to us. Furthermore, the vast majority of the Drev I see who are with humans are those of us who would not be accepted by our own kind, perceived as ugly or malformed. If this is the case then your traditions remain sound, and those like me are removed from the mating population."
The counselor almost looked ashamed at her words, turning his head away so as not to look her in the eyes.
"As far as a change of culture goes, it was bound to happen, and it seems you are more worried about change than you actually are about human Drev relationships."
She went quiet, and Adam nodded to her taking the floor again.
A Finnari counselor stood,
"I am simply worried about our birth rate. The Finnari were farmed by the Gnarlak for many years, and we are only now replenishing our population."
"I don't think you need to worry. The amount of actual relationships is so small that it will not affect the Finnari population in any significant manner."
The representative sat back down with no real argument to combat him.
The chairwoman stood,
"Your arguments have been heard commander, though, what the others do not mention is the issue of disease. We have seen a great increase of illness transmissible from humans to non humans and-"
"I hate to cut you off chairwoman, but that is NOT related to interspecies relationships, but instead has another simple explanation: the rise in human tourism."
She paused,
"Explain."
"You all know very well that humans are not allowed to leave their planet unless they are tested for all communicable non-treatable diseases. This means that those of us that you see here cannot physically pass our diseases off onto other people, except for the germs that are found naturally on our skin. In this case these issues did not stem from relationships at all, but poor vaccination, the poor regulation of tourism, and allowing aliens to travel onto earth where infected humans are located and not testing them as they leave."
He looked on at them pleadingly,
"You see. You don't even have problems with them, but you are using them as a real scapegoat for the actual issues. And I am here to tell you that, in fact you are causing more problems by banning this! The more you push, the harder they will push back, and eventually someone is going to get hurt, because they are not allowed to be together legally, they do it illegally, and because they do it illegally, they end up in dangerous places exposed to greater rates of crime. They get hurt, and they get involved in things they would otherwise not have gotten involved in if you had not banned it. Just look at Noctoplis. It has the highest rate of extrials living there and the lowest policing force and the most corrupted system. There are no legitimate jobs there, so we see an influx of crime by desperate people who won't be accepted anywhere else. Not to mention that it increased the depression rates, which increases suicide rates. Your laws have ostracized them, forced them to become criminals, and turned many of them to think that killing themselves is better than living in a world where they are seen as disgusting when they don't actually do any real harm."
He had to take a deep breath,
"Earth has seen all of this before, and one way or another, eventually someone will see what I am trying to say."
He rested the flag on the floor beside him, feet planted at shoulder width.
"I hope that this rational conversation will allow a more open mind on the council. I encourage you to talk to their representatives. They are more rational and educated than I am, and they can give you hard facts and statistics. But please, they don't want to cause trouble, if you allow them to do as they will, you might find these problems going away for you."
The human representative clearly did not seem convinced, but he didn't expect to convince her, he expected to convince the others who were more afraid than they were prejudiced.
"It seems as if we have some other potential policies to discuss, commander."
The chairwoman said, tapping her fingers on the table before her.
"I have a suggestion, ma'am."
"And that is?"
"A temporary revocation on the ban, that way you can SEE what the universe will be like without it, and you can judge for yourself whether The ban does any good. You don't have to overturn the law just yet, but temporarily suspend it, that way you can re institute at any time. Then you will have concrete proof. You can do testing, and polls and whatever else, then you would know for sure."
His suggestion turned into a discussion, that dragged on for many minutes before the chairwoman raised her hand,
"It has been decided, all in favor of this temporary proposal please indicate."
The voting lights flashed above them.
Commander Vir waited with baited breath.
[…]
He walked from the venue, hours after he had entered, totally tired and exhausted.
The flag felt heavy in his hands and his boots thudded with exhaustion on the white marble below him.
Outside, the protest field was surprisingly silent, though he could still see their flags.
As he walked closer, he could see that the vast majority of the crowd was sitting down.
Their voices reached him from a distance at first, until he realized they were calmly singing with each other.
Waiting for his verdict.
Suddenly the first people from the crowd noticed the two silhouettes coming from the chambers towards them.
A lone man and Drev were walking from the building.
The man was wearing riot gear, a full helmet, a shield, and carrying their flag, resting against his right shoulder.
The group of them began to stand, rising to their feet and yelling.
Pointing in his direction.
They quieted as he got closer.
"What did they say!? What did they say!?”
He stayed quiet, holding a hand in the air to silence them.
He passed the flag to the original protester who looked on at him with such an expression of pleading that he felt his eyes tingle a bit with rising emotion.
He had to look away, boosting himself onto Sunny's back, keying his mic.
The crowd was silent.
A thousand eyes fixed on one human and one Drev.
"I spoke to the GA."
They waited on tenterhooks,
"And after a long debate, and a slim majority the GA have decided..."
Flags whipped in the wind,
"To temporarily revoke the ban on inter-species relationships until a-"
He didn't get to finish his sentence, drowned out by a powerful wave of noise and joy so overwhelming that he was nearly knocked backwards off his feet.
The crowd surged forward, and Sunny staggered as the group surrounded them, pressing inward and upwards.
Adam found himself on the ground on his feet, packed in by bodies enclosed by hundreds of pairs of arms, which slapped on the shoulder and the arm, as every person tried their best to get one hand on him.
The flag from earlier was ripped off its stand and pressed into his hands.
He was deafened by cheering and an outpouring of gratitude so profound he had simply never experienced such emotion.
He looked up at Sunny, pressed in with him by the enthusiastic crowd.
And she nodded her head in approval.
He grinned.
He had to admit.
This felt pretty good.
Though, whether it was all over was a question for another time.
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Want to find a specific one, see the whole list or check fanart?
Here is the link to the master-post.
Intro post by me
OC-whole collection
Patreon of the author
Thanks for reading! As you saw in the title, this is a cross posted story written by starrfallknightrise and I'll just upload some of it here for you guys, if you are interested and want to read ahead, the original story-collection can be found on tumblr or wattpad to read for free. (link above this text under "OC:..." ) It is the Empyrean Iris story collection by starfallknightrise. Also, if you want to know more about the story collection i made an intro post about it, so feel free to check that out to see what other great characters to look forward to! (Link also above this text). I have no affiliations to the author; just thought I’d share some of the great stories you might enjoy a lot!
Obviously, I have Charlie’s permission to post this and for the people already knowing the stories, or starting to read them: If you follow the link and check out the story you will see some differences. I made some small (non-artistic) changes, mainly correcting writing mistakes, pronoun correction and some small additional info here and there of things which were not thought of/forgotten or even were added/changed in later stories (like the “USS->UNSC” prefix of Stabby, Chalar=/->Sunny etc). As well as some "biggemajor" changes in descriptions and info’s for the same stringency/continuity reason. That can be explained by the story collection being, well a story collection at the start with many standalone-stories just starring the same people, but later on it gets more to a stringent storyline with backstories and throwbacks. (For example Adam Vir has some HEAVY scars over his body, following his bones, which were not really talked about up till half the collection, where it says it covers his whole body and you find out via backflash that he had them the whole time and how he got them, they just weren't mentioned before. However, I would think a doctor would at least see these scars before that, especially since he gets analyzed, treated and goes shirtless/in T-shirts in some stories). So TLDR: Writing and some descriptions are slightly changed, with full OK from the author, since he himself did not bother to correct these things before.

Toxic Rats: B, Geoff, Scott, Leshawna, Sammy, Sierra
Mutant Maggots: Anne Maria, Katie, Molly, Scarlett, Dave, DJ, Trent
Episode 02: Truth or Mutant Shark
"Last time, on Total Drama Revenge of the Island!" Chris opened over a long-distance shot of Wawanakwa, the recap montage beginning soon after. "Fourteen new competitors were blown away by this year's challenges," the host said as the yacht carrying the new cast was shown, Chris maliciously pressed a button on his remote control, and the yacht blew up. "They were treated to an early-morning swim," Max was shown trying not to drown, "said hello to the island's wildlife," Dave was shown to get nearly zapped by its eye-lasers, "and did some totem-surfing," the Toxic Rats slid down the hill and into the air, falling from their totem just before it crashed into the better cabin and exploded. "Ex-plosive!"
"In the end," a few short clips of Max trying to be villainous, "Max's non-stop claims about being dangerous made him useless enough that his team sent him packing, Hurl of Shame-style." The recap footage ended with Max getting catapulted off the island.
"Who'll go home next?" Chris asked the camera from the end of the dock. "And how much pain can I put them through first? Find out right now, on Total! Drama! Revenge of the Island!"
XXXXX
The episode opened on a shot of the morning sky and a few far-away bird calls as the camera panned down to the two cabins of Camp Wawanakwa.
The shot cut inside to the girls' half of the Rats' cabins where Leshawna and Sammy were woken up to the sound of Sierra texting on her phone.
"The first day competing on Total Drama was exciting," Sierra talked to her phone. "I managed to make some friends and even though my team lost the first challenge, I'm still staying for another day!"
"Girl, who are you even talking to?" Leshawna mumbled tiredly.
"I'm giving the fans an update about my day and experience being a contestant," Sierra mentioned. "The fansite eats up this stuff."
"Are you going to carry your phone everywhere you go just to do so?" Sammy asked.
"I won't use it during the challenges, but I keep it with me at all times," Sierra said. "Without my phone, I'd probably lose my mind!"
Confessional: Sammy
"So I joined the show because my friend group suggested I do so," Sammy timidly said. "They said it's to increase my self-esteem and make me branch out more or something close to those lines."
Confessional Ends
The shot cut abruptly to a top-down view of the other half of the Rats' cabin, showing Geoff and B sleeping in their bunk beds. The sound of a door suddenly slammed open and slammed shut, waking Geoff up.
It was Scott – flat against the front door with his eyes wide, his breath heaving, and his clothes dirty. "Dude, what happened to you?" Geoff asked in concern.
Scott straightened himself out. "Oh, uh... just had an early morning make out session with one of the honeys," he explained.
Geoff got out of his bed in his pajamas and got near Scott. "Why are you so messy then?"
The footage quickly cut to a scene of Scott running in terror from a Woolly Beaver – one with several boney spikes jutting out of its back. The shot flashed back to the Rats' cabin, and Scott added "A gentleman doesn't kiss and tell."
"Wait," Geoff stepped in. "You kissed a guy?" This comment earned him an annoyed expression from Scott.
Confessional: Scott
"All right. I was out looking for that hidden immunity idol, not that they need to know," Scott opened up. "It's all part of my strategy. Let my team lose so the Maggots develop a false sense of security before I pick 'em off!"
He was interrupted by a knock on the wall. "Occupied!" he shouted until the wholly beaver from earlier barged through the wall and frightened Scott into screaming.
Confessional Ends
The camera cut back outside the cabins, zooming on on the Maggots' abode on the right then cutting inside to show Anne Maria brushing and blow drying her hair.
Scarlett walked up behind her from the left carrying a clipboard. "How were you able to sneak those cans in?" she asked.
Anne Maria placed her items inside her pouf. "Easy. I stuck it in my pouf." She noticed the clipboard. "Why are you carryin' that clipboard?"
"I've been working on sleep analysis, Anne Maria," Scarlett answered. "Your stage two sleep spindles were low frequency followed by an intense delta or slow-wave. You slept well."
Anne Maria was a little surprised to hear that. "That's nice, but don't go spyin' on me." She grabbed her hairspray from her pouf and walked away spraying her hair.
Scarlett saw that Katie was still sleeping. "Seems Katie's sleep cycle is lower than I anticipated. Had she not tried to pull an all-nighter, she'd have a higher score," Scarlett spoke to herself.
Confessional: Scarlett
"I have the need to research my teammates and know what their weaknesses and strengths are," Scarlett said. "We were able to achieve victory in the first challenge, and I want to keep it that way."
Confessional Ends
The scene flashed to the boys' side of the cabin, the camera focusing on DJ as he woke up and stretched his arms. "Morning Trent and Dave!" the brickhouse greeted his bunkmates, though Dave wasn't around at the moment. "Where'd Dave go?"
Trent, who had also woken up, shrugged. "Beats me. He probably went to the bathroom."
Confessional: Trent
"This is my first time sleeping in a cabin," Trent confessed with his guitar on his lap. "It was hard trying to fall asleep, so I played some songs that were guaranteed to make me and the guys drift off… at least that's what my friends back home say."
"Anyway, my bunk mates are pretty cool. Dave's a bit neurotic, and DJ's more soft-spoken, but once I get to know them more, I can guarantee you we'll be best buds."
Confessional Ends
The scene cut to the back of the Maggots' cabin where Molly got out of a tent that she pitched.
Confessional: Molly
"I don't like bunk beds," Molly admitted with a shrug. "They tend to break no matter how stable it is. That's why I decided to sleep outside. Besides, I wanted to have a camping experience, and sleeping in a tent is the first way to go."
Confessional Ends
The footage returned to Molly stretching her body, and a few seconds later, Dave walked up to her. "Did you sleep outside of your cabin?"
"Yep," Molly nodded.
"Do you know the negatives of doing that?" Dave crossed his arms.
"I don't think so," Molly shook her head.
"You could get bug bites or get sick," Dave explained to the indie woman.
"I already planned for that," Molly laughed. "Ever heard of bug spray and sleeping bags?"
"I know those things, but why did you sleep outside?" Dave wondered.
"One, I prefer to sleep by myself, and two, I don't like sleeping indoors," Molly gives the germaphobe answers. "I hate following the crowd."
"Okay then," Dave said. "I'm gonna use the bathroom. Are you coming?"
"I'm already prepared," Molly took out toothpaste and a toothbrush.
\
The scene cut to a seagull sleeping in a nest inside the horn of a loudspeaker. A blow horn sounded through it without warning, though, forcing the bird out into the air and revealing its snake-like features as it fell.
"Up and at 'em my little morning glories!" Chris called out, sitting on his ATV below. "It's time for today's challenge!" he announced, the camera moving behind him to show the two teams assembled in front, their respective logos appearing on the screen overhead.
"What?" Sierra asked in shock. "But we haven't even had breakfast yet!"
"Not a problem for me," Molly brushed it off and swallowed a pickle. "I packed enough pickles for me to be full."
"And we haven't had enough sleep," Katie added.
"Cognitive function is dependent on REM sleep," Scarlett acknowledged the host.
"You can catch up on your sleep after the challenge," Chris told them. "Rrright this way, to the Bay of Dismay!"
The thirteen campers groaned, except for Katie, who pulled out her tablet.
"Hey viewers! I'm gonna be at a Bay of Dismay," Katie started to film herself until Chris used a magnet to take her tablet away. "What the?"
"Contraband! Now it's mine! Confiscator's keepers! Come on! Your humiliation awaits!" Chris told a miserable Katie.
\
The scene flashed ahead to the thirteen campers walking along at an even pace. "'Bay of Dismay'?" Trent told Anne Maria as they walked side-by-side. "That doesn't sound depressing at all."
"If Chris is gonna make us fight against alligators," Anne Maria said. "I'm planning on suing him after the show ends for breaking my nails."
Trent frowned, but chose to ignore it.
The camera lingered a few seconds as they walked off, long enough for DJ and Katie to enter the shot together. "So, what kinda challenge do you think Chris is gonna put us through this time?" DJ asked.
"I don't know," Katie answered without looking at him, "but I hope it's one that requires the use of a camera so I can take pictures with it, you know?"
DJ facepalmed, unseen by the influencer.
Confessional: Katie
"It's been four minutes, and I'm already missing my tablet," Katie squeaked out and huddled herself. "How will my viewers know what I'm doing right now?"
Confessional Ends
DJ decided to make Katie happy. "Maybe when the challenge is over, you could get your tablet back."
"Emphasis on maybe," Katie snarked.
"I don't know if this is going to be another physical challenge," Leshawna said to Sierra as the footage cut to the two of them walking together. "We already struggled getting that totem down last challenge."
"Chris probably has an academic challenge planned for us at the Bay of Dismay," Sierra told her as they walked forward, "and I know Chris isn't lying."
"How do you know Chris isn't frontin' us?" Leshawna asked.
"Basic knowledge," Sierra bragged. "I can tell if he's lying to us by his vocal pitch and body language."
"So you really studied the show and how it works, huh?" Leshawna followed up in surprise.
"Of course I have," Sierra said. "I've seen every episode like fifty-three times and auditioned twice before being accepted the second time."
B and Scarlett were now shown walking together. "Any idea on what we'll be facing up against?" the quiet brainiac asked the similarly intelligent boy, who didn't talk back to her. "I can see that you prefer not to vocalize your sentences like me, but you're more exaggerated."
Confessional: B
B simply shrugged in the confessional.
Confessional Ends
The static cut away to the body of water that was, presumably, the Bay of Dismay. Three structures rose out of its waters: on the left and right were two-tiered game-show-like seats that housed the Toxic Rats and Mutant Maggots respectively and bore their logos on the front; and in the middle was a single Greek pedestal upon which Chris stood in his blue tuxedo below a large video screen and electronic scoreboard.
"Welcome to the 'Getting to Know You' Trivia Game Challenge," Chris introduced. "Everyone strapped in all nice and snug?" he asked the contestants.
"Too snug," Scott answered irritably. "It's cutting into my shoulders!"
"Yeah, children's size harnesses will do that," Chris chuckled. "I'll be asking our players embarrassing personal questions," he explained, "and I mean majorly humiliating. If the player I'm talking about hits the poorly-wired buzzer and owns their humiliation before the time runs out," he continued as the shot cut back to Scott looking at the red buzzer on the counter in front of him, the camera zooming out to show Sierra on the left, Sammy on the right, and B, Leshawna, and Geoff on the back row, "their team gets a point." The camera panned across the Maggots, showing DJ, Molly, and Scarlett in the bottom row and Katie, Anne Maria, Dave, and Trent above. "First team to five wins part one, and a distinct advantage in part two."
"Buuut," Chris added as the shot cut back to him, "if no one owns up, this happens!" He took out his remote, pressed the button, and with a mechanical whir the elevated stand the Maggots were seated in suddenly dropped into the bay. The shot cut to the seven holding their breaths below the water, focusing in on DJ in particular. He looked around and screamed when he saw the large mutant shark with arms and legs looking at him hungrily, and his teammates joined in as the shark reared back to take a bite – but the stand rose back up just in time to take the teens away from danger.
The shot cut back to the surface as the Maggots re-emerged, dripping and coughing and generally frantic. "There's some kind of two-legged shark down there!" Anne Maria told the host in a panic.
"You mean Fang?" Chris asked with a broad smile and quick laugh. "Yeah, it turns out toxic waste can mess with stuff underwater too." He pointed up at the screen above him as he spoke, and the camera panned up to show a seemingly ordinary shark drinking a cup of tea on a wooden post underwater...until the screen flashed, and a picture of Fang against a simple teal background replaced the normal shark. "Who knew?"
"Better them than us," Scott said from the Rats' stand.
"Anywho," Chris continued slowly, "if a team gets dunked, their opponents can steal by guessing which dunk-ee is guilty. Guess right, and you get a point. Guess wrong, and this happens." With a sly look he pressed the button on his remote again, and this time it was the Rats who got plunged into the bay. Fang was shown tying a bib around his neck, then looking behind him just as the fresh set of teenagers came into view. He turned around and opened his mouth to bite, and with the muffled screams being heard the shot cut back to the bubbling surface. Chris pressed the button once more, and the Toxic Rats rocketed back up on their stand.
"Now that we understand the rules," Chris told them as they coughed up water, "let's start the game!" The host pulled a notecard out from behind his back. "To the Rats, now listen carefully," he began. "Who does this," he motioned upward to a picture of a question mark, "if they eat or drink any form of dairy?" the question mark farted.
All members of the Mutant Maggots began to laugh, as did the members of the Toxic Rats – all except Leshawna, who seemed to shrink in her seat as the camera zoomed in on her. "Where did you get that?" the sista asked in her embarrassment, pressing her buzzer and yelping at the shock she received.
The shot cut to the scoreboard, the Rats' half changing from 0 to 1.
The camera moved back to Chris and his card, now turned towards the Maggots. "Who sleeps with a teddy bear," he motioned upward to a picture of a brown teddy bear, "even after they turned 13?"
"Really? I thought we were more grown-up than that," Dave cringed at the fact.
Scarlett saw that DJ was feeling embarrassed. "Push the button, DJ! You're clearly harboring some guilt," Scarlett advised.
As the timer continued ticking, DJ finally shuddered, then slammed his right hand down on her buzzer. "Alright then," he declared after getting shocked, "it's me."
A bit of light laughter came from the Rats, and the scoreboard updated to show the Maggots' first point. "And it's one-all!" the host declared, earning a cheer from the Maggots.
"Aww, thanks DJ," Katie whispered to the drooping brickhouse. "I know that must've been hard, and I don't hold it against you."
"Really?" DJ regained his smile.
"I have my own collection of teddy bears in my room," Katie beamed.
Confessional: DJ
"Liking teddy bears is one thing me and Katie have in common," DJ smiled in the outhouse. "We'd have to get to know each other a bit more."
Confessional End
"Rats," Chris turned back to the other team, "whose first name is really Beverly?"
"That's not embarrassing," Trent called out defensively. "None of us will throw a fuss over a girl's name being Beverly."
Over to the Rats, Sierra was looking at a picture of Chris, Sammy was shrugging to signify it wasn't her, and Leshawna was just waiting for someone to buzz in.
B, on the other hand, looked down at his own buzzed timidly, and after some consideration, he pressed the buzzer and got shocked, raising his hand to let Chris know that he owned up to the question.
"Correct, Beverly," Chris teased the strong, silent genius. "Rats get the point, but I would've preferred a verbal response."
"But B is as quiet as a snail," Geoff piped up. "And we still got the point."
"Don't care," Chris said apathetically. "So, as a quick punishment." He smiled as he pushed the button on his remote again.
The Rats were plunged back into the water, and the camera focused on Scott as he hollered before getting chomped up by Fang, the stand rising back up as Fang struggled to close his jaws.
Scott managed to get out of Fang's mouth, shouting "No! Wait for me!" as he swam back to her seat.
Confessional: Scott
Scott winced in the confessional, pulling something white out of his butt. "What the? A shark tooth?" he asked, looking at what was obviously a shark's tooth.
Confessional: Fang
The next to use the confessional was none other than Fang, examining his mouth in a hand mirror with great concern. Upon noticing the gap in his upper row of sharp teeth, he growled angrily and snapped the mirror.
Confessionals End
Scott furiously climbed back into his seat. "Thanks for leaving me down there, team!" Scott scolded his teammates. "You can win this stupid challenge without me!"
"If he's not playing, then I'm not either," Anne Maria chimed in, the shot zooming back out as she and the other Maggots looked towards the host.
"I've already had a secret about me exposed, so I think I'll be leavin'," Leshawna declared.
"Okay, everyone just settle down," Chris told them all sternly.
"I'm with everyone else. We should stop," Molly said, standing up and trying to undo her harness. "I do not want any secrets of mine to be spilled out."
"You can do so after you've had a secret revealed," Scarlett snapped.
"Hey! Host talking here!" Chris barked. "I decide when the challenge is over."
"Whatever," Scott scoffed, having already removed his harness. "I'm out of here."
"Not until we win," Sierra held the dirt farmer back from leaving. "I am not going to have us lose."
Just then, Fang jumped out of the water and took a large bite out of the Maggots' stand, forcing them to yelp.
"Now would be a good time to leave," Sammy remarked and tried to get herself out of her straps.
The shot cut back to the Maggots as Anne Maria and Scarlett began to argue with Dave and Molly and DJ, Katie, and Trent watched the debacle going on.
Eventually, the shot cut back to Chris as he finally shouted "Alright! SHUT IT!" The off-screen arguments promptly ceased. "Thanks to that pathetic digression," he said in annoyance, glancing at his watch, "now we don't have enough time to finish this challenge! Happy?"
The Rats voiced their agreement. Likewise, all the Maggots agreed happily.
"Well you won't be happy for long," Chris told them and the camera with a smile. "Come back after the break for an all-new challenge from which there is no escape. And in the meantime," he added slyly as he took his remote back out and pushed the button, causing both teams to be dunked into the bay with a scream once more.
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(Commercial Break)
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​
Synopsis:
Juliette Contzen is a lazy, good-for-nothing princess. Overshadowed by her siblings, she's left with little to do but nap, read … and occasionally cut the falling raindrops with her sword. Spotted one day by an astonished adventurer, he insists on grading Juliette's swordsmanship, then promptly has a mental breakdown at the result.
Soon after, Juliette is given the news that her kingdom is on the brink of bankruptcy. At threat of being married off, the lazy princess vows to do whatever it takes to maintain her current lifestyle, and taking matters into her own hands, escapes in the middle of the night in order to restore her kingdom's finances.
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Action, Fantasy, Copious Ohohohohos.
​
Chapter 90: Death Of Death
The frozen chamber became a blur as I performed a beautiful, if involuntary roll in the air, before promptly finding myself engulfed in the familiar cushions which were Coppelia's arms.
It wasn't the softest of catches. But it wasn't the softest of landings, either. Because my arrival caused her–and me–to be driven right into the deep snow beneath us.
Poof!
A concerning sound greeted our combined impact … and yet that was little compared to the almighty noise of the Snow Dancer's embarrassing demise!
An echoing crescendo like no other filled my ears. And no wonder.
Falling before me had been a shower of sharpened hailstones, clattering viciously against the spot where she’d stood. The chamber groaned as the weight of so much frozen snow hurtled back down meant an eruption which blanketed the air in a veil thicker than any fog or steam.
Even so, one noise rose above the din like an ocean wave amidst a storm.
“Ahahahahaha … hahahahah … aahaahahahahah!~”
Coppelia's muffled laughter greeted me before my head even popped out of the snow.
The only joy was I couldn't see anything. And yet I could still all too easily imagine her slapping the snow in rabid amusement even as she lay buried in it.
“Ahahaha … hahahahaah … ahahahaha~”
I pursed my lips as the laughter washed over me.
Perhaps I should remain buried in the snow? At least then I wouldn't have to witness her expression as the fog cleared.
“Uff … hrrghh … ughhh ...”
I put the temptation aside as I slowly rose from the snow, using Starlight Grace as a guiding star as I dug myself out. Still, it clung to me like vines entangled around a branch as I released myself piecemeal, arms and torso first, followed lastly by my legs as I slowly extracted myself.
Finally, I pulled my foot out.
A bare foot.
Horrified, I crawled back into the hole and retrieved my boot. Then, after ensuring my footwear was back where it belonged, I shook my head to remove the white hat that'd formed atop my hair.
To … To think that I'd almost been sighted without my boot of authority!
My soles symbolised my power!
Without it, I'd be nothing but an extremely beautiful maiden!
Quietly thanking the mist which engulfed the chamber, I rose to my feet and assessed the state of the chamber. There was nothing to see other than a thick shroud of white. And so it fell to my expert foot poking technique to draw out any pertinent information.
All I felt were holes. Many, many holes.
“Hm hm hm hm hmm ♫.”
Yes, I was in a very good mood.
And why not?
I'd just sent a finely crafted hailstorm crashing down onto the Snow Dancer! And judging by the many pits I could feel with the tip of my boot, the A-rank sword saint had become an A-rank emmental!
“Ohohohoho! Behold! My ability to cut snow as I would my award winning clay busts! Foolish woman! No matter how many centuries you live, you can never hope to use the elements to defeat me!”
I filled the chamber with my mocking laughter, allowing it to echo throughout the mist. And rightfully so!
To think that my [Winter Snow Shovel] could so readily counterattack an ability with such a frightful name as [Gravity Reversal]! Why, this not only proved that naming conventions were utterly irrelevant, but that Starlight Grace proved the superior weapon!
An elven sword with a sapphire pommel? An impressive thing. But compared to the splendour of ruby, there was no contest! Not only was the gemstone I sported costlier on every market, but my sword was a thing of stories!
True, I may not remember any … but that hardly matters! Even an elven sword was pedestrian compared to Starlight Grace's long history! And as soon as I returned to the Royal Villa, I would inquire as to what they were … in order to add my own!
Ohohohoho!
Yes, my own place in my family's proud legacy was now secure.
With only a gardening technique, I had defeated a sword saint. Such a humiliating loss for her needed to be sung by minstrels the world over. Did it matter if I hadn't actually struck her with my blade? No, of course not. That only made my victory even more worthy of applause.
But just in case it did matter, well–
“Oooph … that was close!”
The Snow Dancer was willing to provide me another opportunity.
Instantly, all the mist was swept aside to the sound of a blade singing through the air.
In its place, I saw an elven woman standing upon the precipice of a thousand tiny craters in the floor.
“I mean, seriously,” said Ophelia, wiping a bead of non-existent sweat from her brows. “I thought I saw the light at the end of the tunnel there, and let me tell you, it was a lot whiter than I thought it'd be!”
I was outraged.
“Why are you still standing?!” I demanded. “I just magnificently sent your own attack back into you! How dare you still be conscious! It wasn't just beautiful, it was poetic! Do … Do you have no sense for theatre?!”
I pointed below me.
There, peeking out from the snow, was the top of Coppelia's fluffy golden hair. A pair of turquoise eyes clearly blinked at the sight of the Snow Dancer still very much on her feet.
“Even my future handmaiden was mocking your demise! How do you think she feels knowing that her laughter is now wasted?! The embarrassment is palpable!”
Ophelia shrugged, wiping a smattering of snow from her shoulders. The only harm to come to her.
“I'm good at dancing. Especially on snow.”
“You danced out of the way?”
“Name's the game. Granted, I never knew I was good at dancing out of the way of my own [Gravity Reversal], but it's good to know that's a thing I can do now. You know, the next time absolutely nobody is going to turn my own technique into an ice storm. How did you do that?”
I raised Starlight Grace.
“Through effort and countless hours dedicated to my craft,” I replied, incensed that she lacked the common decency to even feign being deceased. “And if you enjoyed the spectacle, then I'll be delighted to demonstrate it to you once again!”
The elven woman wore a look of academic curiosity on her face.
“Oh? With your ice technique ... or perhaps your wind one? Gotta admit, that one almost hit me. Good thing I'm also fast, huh? A variable speed skill. It's more like a spell. That's impressive. I'm guessing it's your signature ability?”
“Quite so. I favour it for the removal of insects without the harming of leaves.”
The Snow Dancer smiled.
Then, she adjusted her feet, adopting a ready posture while sheathing her blade once more.
“I like you. It's been a long time since anybody's stopped my attacks. It's great! It's even enough to make me forget the boredom. And I've been so, so bored.”
I raised an eyebrow.
Yes, my gardening techniques were somewhat becoming more akin to Clarise's wild experiments than ways to shoo away caterpillars these days. I wouldn't deny that. But a sword saint should also be able to cut faster than the eye could follow.
This is not the impression I had so far. Had her foes been so poor that they'd simply accepted their fates without so much as a look of indignation?
“I believe the quality of your opponents have been severely lacking,” I said, quite honestly.
She beamed.
“I think so, too.”
Fwishhh.
Brimming with joyful, murderous intent, a newly made circle of pure golden flames suddenly erupted around the Snow Dancer's figure. Snow melted around her in a blazing ring, and yet the newly billowing smoke failed to hide the smile keener than any blade.
This, I knew, was not [Gravity Reversal].
“I mean, I'm pretty sure the boredom's driven me insane. Actually insane. Do you know how long it's been since I've actually spoken this much with someone? Actually spoken, that is. And not whatever weird stuff I say when I'm speaking out loud. This is definitely the reason I'm still single.”
Suddenly, I felt my bangs rustling against my forehead as an unknown breeze swept through the chamber. It fell across the elven woman, lifting her own silver hair as though she were stood upon a clifftop.
“So, I'm feeling flashy! And since you've used your own signature ability, I'm going to do something special and use mine. I mean, I haven't done it for a while, so I hope you don't mind if I lose my footwork slightly. But well, I'm also not looking forward to being bored again, so maybe it's okay to miss just once.”
The Snow Dancer let out a short breath, her eyes closing.
When she opened them again, nothing could be seen of the blue irises.
Instead, they blazed with a golden light.
“Eh, who am I kidding,” said Ophelia, slowly drawing her sword, now glimmering with a light to match her eyes. “I never miss. After all ... mine is the sword to pierce the void, cutting a path through boundless infinity.”
The elven woman pushed back on her heel.
“Snow Helix Form, 10th Stance … [Yuleblade Dance].”
And then–she skipped.
In that moment, the very air between us shattered.
As if reality itself made way for her oncoming attack, everything between us cracked into a thousand fragments as viscerally as broken glass. The pieces floated with the grace of dandelion seeds, each shard a kaleidoscope of colour and dazzling light as hints of pure darkness appeared between the cracks.
As she skipped, she danced, the fragments of reality collected around her drawn sword as she spun. The shards gathered and coalesced around her blade, before trailing behind her as an exact mirror copy. And not just one.
They were endless.
I blinked.
In that moment, she had covered the distance between us. And I understood why Ophelia was more than a sword saint.
She was the Snow Dancer. And this was her ballroom.
Because as she approached, only the snow was undisturbed.
She glided upon it like a swan in a lake as behind her, countless copies of her sword trailing in her wake as she spun like a dancer with a ribbon.
Ophelia danced with footwork lighter than air.
And this time, there was no quelling with my scowl.
Innumerable swords twisted and ripped from reality followed her like deadly marionettes upon strings, each poised in an executing attack. Even if one blade was stopped, those that followed would continue unhindered. Her [Yuleblade Dance] was not a strike, but an ode to death as she elegantly skipped and twirled towards me.
Yes.
This was indeed a problem.
For her.
Because if the Snow Dancer wished to dance, then she needed an invitation.
My …. was what I was seeing true?
A mere titled commoner, lower than the lowest of nobility, daring to assume she could dance with me?
The … The sheer nerve! The cheek! The absolute disrespect!
I could put up with holes in the ceiling! Minotaurs robbing me! Rusty traps trying to murder me!
But for the Snow Dancer to not know dancing etiquette was an absolute travesty to common decency! Who did she bribe to attain her title?!
There was protocol! Heaps of it! More than could be written in any rulebook!
To do away with social convention with such callous disregard was an insult to my status and time! Inquiries needed to be made! Courtesies exchanged! Gifts rendered! Did she not realise how staggeringly popular I was?!
Why, the waiting list to dance with me stretched longer than the walls of the Royal Villa! During a soirée, the queue stretched so far that a sign denoting waiting time needed to be utilised!
No … were this a clash of swordsmanship, then I'd have no answer.
But if this was a dance, then I was peerless.
Because while snow was this woman's ballroom, this entire kingdom was my court. And upon it, I chose who to dance with.
As the sword saint neared and reality bent to her will, I refused to humour her request.
With Starlight Grace raised, I adopted a pose in readiness. The Snow Dancer smiled in response, skipping towards me as her silver sword stood poised to meet my heart.
And then–
I turned and stuck my leg out.
“...... Huh?”
The Snow Dancer blinked.
The next moment, all I saw of the elven woman was her bewildered expression as my foot caught her ankle.
Ohohohohhhohohoho!
Here it was! My ultimate ability! … Again!
[Princess Rejection]!!
Absolute refusal of all uninvited solicitations without first having adhered to correct social formalities!
Faced with instincts hardened through years of declining the ungracefulness of lesser nobility at our soirées, I turned as I would should a mere baroness seek to catch me unawares–before inconspicuously sending her toppling, publicly maintaining deniability while also leaving no doubt as to what I'd done!
But for the Snow Dancer, it wasn't the smooth marble floor of the Royal Villa which met her tumbling fall.
Instead–the sword saint flew uncontrollably forwards, crashing violently face first into a very large and very hard pillar.
As she met the ancient stonework to an eruption of snow, dust and rubble, a crack worthy of a wince sounded throughout the chamber.
Then came the swords waltzing in her wake.
They smashed into and through the pillar. A groan of broken masonry sounded as the elven-woman shaped indent in the pillar fully shattered and broke. Chunks of rubble collapsed atop the prone sword saint, burying her in a mound worthy of a tombstone.
A dollop of snow fell as the dust cleared. And after a long moment, all that could be spied within the mess of broken stone was a small bed of silver hair covered in a blanket of misery.
I peered, waiting for the movement.
The reprisal.
The obstinacy of an A-rank sword saint who escaped shattering hailstorms and blasts of wind as easily as a cat leaping from fence to fence.
Instead, all I received was a pitiful groan.
“...... Uuuuhhhhh …...”
I waited.
And then–
“Ohhohohohohohoho!”
I raised my hand to my lips.
Indeed, the soirée was a battleground of sabotage as nobility warred with a deftness of feet to put even the Snow Dancer to shame!
And I danced greater than them all!
“Aaahhahaahaahahhaahah!”
Off to the side, an extremely unhelpful clockwork doll stole my laughter.
At some point, she'd extracted herself from the snow and was now a white barrel, rolling to and fro as she occasionally slapped her palms down around her.
“Ahhahahahaha … ahahhahahah … ahhahaahhaahh ...”
I pursed my lips, considered waiting for her amusement to subside … then decided to continue laughing as well.
“Ohohohohohohoho!”
Why, if I intended to mock my fallen opponent regardless, then I may as well do so while my future handmaiden could join me in a derisive chorus!
“Behold, Coppelia! See how the inelegant fall to their own naïvety! The woman may be a sword saint, but in the end, she possessed the oafishness of countryside nobility! Against my fleet footwork, she had as much hope of victory as she did against the stars!”
“Ahahaha … I can … I can see that … ahahah … it was … it was … just as I expected … ahahahahha~”
I winced.
N-Naturally, her confidence in me was well placed!
Even so, I preferred that she endeavour to rush to my assistance whenever I was faced with mortal peril. Clearly, work was needed. While a handmaiden who knew not to take away from my limelight was a valuable asset, there was also ample opportunity to demonstrate unerring loyalty by wilfully throwing herself against foes.
But like all things, there was a queue to my time.
And so–to matters at hand.
“Come, Coppelia!” I said, turning from the bundle of silver hair as a fresh heap of snow landed on her groaning form. “Aquina's treasury awaits! Only a single door now seeks to stand between us and our rightfully owed taxes!”
Suddenly, Coppelia looked up from her freshly rolled bed of snow.
The smile she wore elevated upwards by several degrees. Her eyes glittered with the promise of revelry. And for me, that was more worrisome than any sword saint.
“Actually, I don't think the door's going to be a problem.”
I blinked.
Then, I turned fully around–only to witness the arched door to Aquina's vault parting, its great weight shovelling snow out of its path as easily as a dragon's tail.
Quack, quack. Quack, quack.
As it opened, a fluffy white duck waddled in through the gap.
A moment later, the vault fully revealed itself, and then I saw to whom its allegiance was sworn.
Because basking beneath streams of moonlight was the figure of someone I'd never seen before. A woman whose beautiful appearance elicited no recognition from me.
Still, I knew who she was without question.
After all, I was royalty.
And I could sense when another of my stature was present. Especially when she sat on a makeshift throne of snow and coins, possessed dazzling wings of mirror-like beauty, and wielded a fine crystal teacup in her hand.
The Winter Queen, it seems, had come to the Kingdom of Tirea.
​
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Today's games repulse me with their copycat, timid and shallow character. Though it seems like there is a variety of concepts flashing around, in practice games revolve around the same half-dozen tropes. Their hallmark sign is that it is nothing that is not seen on TV. If the game's idea is not a reflection of the modern world from someone who, by all appearances, has never read a real book or has experience to share, then it's Pirates in Some Carribean, or the Victorian Age When Jack the Ripper Roamed in a Black Cab, or the Middle Ages with Standard Treachery, or Abstract Space Exploration. I was sick and tired of this a few years ago, now I have all but given up on this art form. Even when the concept is interesting, it is rarely taken far or with force. Neutered developers are afraid to give offense and as a result make bland, short-breathing stuff, but I think the sharp edges are never there to begin with anymore. I don't know anybody who sets out to defy the world, stand apart from its simulations and blandishments and spit a good gob in its ugly square face.
I have never had an opportunity to make a game of my own (it takes a team besides everything else), but I have made mods for a very old RPG for years - new mechanics, plots, magic, quests, effects, scripts, writing and so on. I have more or less put that old engine on its head, though I know hardly anyone will ever find out about my efforts. This is to say that I am not a pure theorist. Some time in the winter, bored and exasperated, I decided to do a quick marathon of game ideas - for RPG, quests, simulations, something in-between - and see how many I can whip out on the run. I would like something from here picked up by a company, but I am not advertising. I realize that is probably not something that might happen. It was a good exercise for me, however. Here are the results for all to see. I did ten first, then three more occurred to me.
1 ) Circa Caotica
You play the role of Jabsh, a clown of a traveling circus, who suddenly discovers that he is no orphan but the son (Raka, daughter for female players) of the director, Maestro Leotardi. Minutes later after making the sobbing confession the boss is swallowed by the Crocodile Man in a suspicious accident. You have to own up to the unexpected legacy and step into the tight and tall boots of the director. Your responsibility is to keep the circus going by fine-tuning and inventing acts based on ideas solicited over regular all-troupe brainstorming sessions despite little starting respect from the others, who have decided to unionize as well (the mentalist takes notes). You must keep drawing in crowds to avert the bankruptcy, earn respect and manipulation points and find the truth behind Leotardi's death and the disappearance of the Big Green cashbox with everyone's last year salary and the medallion that supposedly bears the face of your mother the same evening. All the while you still have to perform in regular clown acts with your partner. You can play as a red clown or a white clown, and the other type will be your foil.
2) Nachtwaffe
"Ah, count. Decided to join me for a walk?" Vampires steal planes from the Nazi airforce to zoom through the dark skies over the Balkans and turn humans to make more of their own. You start out as a single nosferatu, converted from an arrogant German, and must find and raid small airports and landing strips across the forests and mountains of Roumania, impersonate a living officer to get supplies and fuel, avoid communist guerillas, find and build places to hide during the day and choose which humans to turn to expand your force. Naturally, it is all quite a dead end, as the war is bound to finish sooner or later, which radio broadcasts confirm, and what then will happen to the vampiric empire? But this is something that the gameplay begins to convey to the player gradually. Hopefully the fate of someone who has no future but still does his all will touch some dormant strings in players' hearts.
3) Yuck!
The sleepy Tibetan village of Dongtso is unaware of what lurks in the bushes and the mountains: you, the desperately lonely yak-man. Born with a big head and two horns, you have only one connection to civilization: the gold ring in your nose. Squinting cross-eyed, you can just make out some kind of symbols on it, and a banner over the village shrine features ones like them. This must be the key. You have to lurk about the supersititious hamlet, helping the folk at night and out of sight with small chores and evesdropping on their reactions and conversations until you can pick up a few words, including, at some point, "Hello." Since this is a game about Tibet and shaping up something rebellious, let the tongue be one of Tibet's many and accompanied by Tibetan script. You can train to pronounce the words when you dare show yourself to children, old people and widows, to improve from mooing to legible speech, but until then you have to dodge men's hunting parties and survive. With enough good deeds and a few friends, you might win the folk's confidence and stand before the village council so that someone might teach you to read. The quest becomes complicated, however, by the appearance of the army of People's Republic of China that establishes a base in the village in its push to subdue Tibet. The year is 1952. One of the newcomers is a local - a renegade llama who, the villagers say, has been on many supernatural journeys in the mountains, even to Shangri-La, but is now wearing the uniform of Tibet's conquerors. The writing on the ring, deciphered, identifies him as your father. What will happen next?
4) Footlocker
This is a soccer-themed RPG, but you view the sport from the point of view of a bookie besieged on all sides by mafia. To pay back his debt he resolves on a colossal set-up: first get control of an underdog team, then bring them at least to the regional semi-finals and, with the bets in their favor, make them lose in a big way. The thugs are ready to provide cash handouts, leg-breaking, knuckle sandwiches, addictive opioids and more to get the right people on the team and stubborn elements out, but at the cost of increased control and cut of the profits. You must balance their appetities with placating sports authorities, the press, sponsors and police. In the final match a dilemma presents itself: go through with the plan and ruin the team or defy the gangsters and take your chances on the right side of the tracks?
5) And See It Again For the First Time
Starting out from your homeland on three caravels, you unfurl the sails and set out to circumnavigate the world. The globe is randomly generated every time and rolls away at the horizon, with the map, continents and straits unknown beforehand, in the manner of River Raid. Your characters are the three ships and their crews, condition and supplies are their stats. Dropping anchor at strange shores and dealing with natives will be necessary but dangerous as they fight with each other, shuffle and migrate like microbes. Loss of crew can't be repaired. At least one of the ships must find the passages and make it to the fabulous Gate of Makhamedi, enter it from the far side and begin the journey home.
6) The Person and the Essence
In the beginning chapter you play Sauqin, second-in-command to general Varziranga, head of the army of the Arcolan Empire sent to quash the rebellion of Panlaa, who has tried to bring his province to secede. The imperial army has crushed Panlaa'a troops a fortnight ago and has got him shut in the Ravine of the Gold Specks. Complete victory is near, but the commander has been acting strangely since the battle. On this decisive night his behavior spins out of control just as Panlaa makes a sudden sally from his trap, causing great confusion. As his lieutenant, it falls to you to maintain order in dealing with the various officers as well as the clerics of the One, who insist that Panlaa, a lapsed pagan, be given to them for execution once he is captured. The ending of the chapter will determine whether Panlaa ends in the emperor's prison in the capital, Hotharsoom, alive or dead at the clerics' hands, whether Varziranga will be simply demoted or disgraced.
Chapter two will take place in the capital city. You will have been promoted to a top military command for your performance, only to become embroiled in an intrigue involving the emperor's controlling mother, a consequential schism in the church of the One over whether the head of state is eternally the same person reincarnated or a series of persons, demagogues in the public and lurking pagans with unclear motives. Other chapters will follow, and the endings will determine who sits on the throne and who stands behind it, whether state policy is in principle subject to revision and criticism or not and whether the pagan faiths are crushed without mercy or adopted into the church of the One. The material here is Byzantium, Egypt with the notion of the pharaoh as incarnate Horus and the empires of southeast Asia. Some early Christian heresies also deserve to be revivified.
7) Of Rats and Men
You are a rat trapped in the gears of the Trumpet of Doom, the hugest, heaviest and most advanced steam ship ever to paddle the Grumuous Sea. This basin is famously salty enough to let even an iron float for a time, which, the public money finally gathered, made it the perfect road to carry the 25-inch-gunned ("24 + 1 for Paterland!") Trumpet to the shores of Festaly and at last give those Festalians what for! The citizenry is cheering with patriotic joy, the brass bands are blowing. The ship rats are less happy, especially you, who were captain Reissenpouf's pet before you managed to scramble through a porthole and below the desk as he was buttering a toast. You are nearly panicky with fright. Unlike the locals there, you have spent time locked with the diagrams in the captain's safe and know that the battleship is very weakly armored below the waterline. Someone must have made a good bit of business during the construction selling the metal. When the Trumpet comes up against the Festalians with their triton suicides or their rumored counterpart ship, the Rough Musician, not even the Grumuous Sea will keep it from ending up as a gigantic, barnacled wreck on the ocean floor.
To avoid this fate you only have so much time to organize the other rats for systematic sabotage. The game's world is the enormous ship below and above the deck. The humans of the crew are, of course, adamant in their resolve to get themselves killed, so they will repair the servos, the cables turning the massive gears, the ball bearings, the hydraulics and the rest almost as quickly as those are destroyed. This effort will be headed by the near-transparent, monochrome spindle of a man, Admiral Hel, the leader of the expedition, always of his private high deck, sipping his black milk and staring through his spectacles ahead to where TOD's fate awaits it. If all of you ratfolk together gnaw through and spoil enough of the ship's devices, however, the captain might just have the authority to radio Kaiser Walzer of the decision to turn back... though you personally may also have to sneak back into his cabin to sit on his pillow and intone suggestions as he sleeps. The fact that you are an albino rat and at first come across as a crazy visionary doesn't help, and neither does being a female rat and having to give birth to a litter every so often. The current mate can be deputied on tasks while lactating. Other ships may sometimes be encountered in the sea, with different results, and you may improve your reputation in the murine community by predicting these encounters, if you check the looking glass often enough. The length of the game, and hence the difficulty, depends on the distance to Festalian waters - from two weeks' journey to three months.
8) Cosmic Choir
You play as one of the planets of the solar system. The other actors and your partners are the thieving and scurrilous Mercury, the lusty and sly Venus, the militant braggart Mars and so on. And you are the meh-in-the-middle Earth, and in this group of strong personalities stand out with your unique ability of Rational Decision (it would be nice to get Woody Allen for the voice acting, were he younger). Other planets have other powers, and all of them certain characteristics and appetites (for tasty meteorites, for more intimate or more standoffish orbits and so on). The plot revolves around the announcement of the Sun that it has had enough of burning hydrogen and wants to retire, going immediately into the red giant phase, which would, of course, burn up all of the inner planets and kick the outer planets way out. For this the star has recruited a planet-sized asteroid, large enough to pull most of the star fuel away so that the moribund transformation may be set in motion. The euthanatic dark planet is whirring ever closer. Before it gets on a near enough orbit to disrupt the Sun the other planets must find out what caused this sudden depression and persuade their ruler and source of life otherwise. (The answer is that the Sun has always dreamt of going nova but lacks substance.) Playing as the only inhabited planet, you must also keep the life forms on you alive through all of the maneuvering. If you can get Mars to cooperate, however, you may shorten the distance enough for humanity and some of the ecosystems to make the leap and found Musk City there, and then you won't have to care about your surface anymore.
9) Paris, 1245 A.D.
A meticulously researched simulation of the criminal underworld of medieval Paris and the worlds that abutted on it: those of the church, guilds, city watch, the university, lepers, the court and so on. No shortcuts and simplifications for babies who can't tell a Benedictine from a Cistercian. A dynamically filled encyclopedia may be included, though, and remain permanently unlocked for later replays. The main character is a vagrant and a thief. This may be a persistent sandbox, possibly a multiplayer RPG, or it may have a plot, but strictly within historical realities.
10) The Last Supper
You play the role of Jesus, son of God, in the company of the twelve disciples. The game should probably be in first person. (The Sermon of the Mount and such may be shown in cutscenes, or they may be challenges in quiz form.) The time period is your wanderings in Judea after the baptism and until the last night before the arrest. The background is the Judaic society at the time and its Roman controllers, somewhat historically accurate. This is a detective story, a wholldoit where you need to figure out who is best suited to betray you in due time so that you may prep him for the job and finally give him the impetus to "do it quicker" at the Last Supper. For Christ certainly needed someone to betray him. It's not always Judas: the identity of the potential traitor, along with his motives, will vary randomly between playthroughs. Incidents and encounters along the road, both recorded in the Bible and invented, will liven up the experience and better inform you about the personalities of the disciples, building on but going beyond what is known (Peter with his short temper, the lofty John an so on).
11) Cuadrophobia
Ships and the sea again. This time you are a typical sailor with an atypically strong survival instinct on one of the vessels in a colossal game of Battleship between Our Guy and the Other Player. Accordingly, there are two grids firing at each other: your side's and the enemy's, though you only get to travel across your own. The ship you begin on is chosen at random: it may be anything in size from a single-squarer to a five-squarer. Smaller ships are less likely to be hit, of course, but when a ship is finished, it sinks, and you with it. The purpose of the game is to survive until Our Guy's victory, which programmatically is likely but not guaranteed and happens about 70% of the time. To do this you must desert on a regular basis, setting out in a dinghy to a ship more favored in the current situation. However, the dinghy only travels three squares per turn, and you can only spend two turns in the open sea before dying. You also need time on board ships to access their radio broadcasts, which, besides playing some inspirational propaganda, update the picture of the grid as the battle rages. Without it you are limited to paddling to vessels that you can directly see. The role-playing element comes from dealing with ship commanders, who all take their duties and titles - captain of Cruiser! captain of Battleship! - very seriously, from picking up supplies in floating debris and from acquiring special abilities that let you, for example, paddle an extra square farther. Is war evil? Is it to be hated, or is our side to be cheered on? After all, if Our Guy loses, this will all have been in vain.
12) Standardom
In this game of life, dedicated to the International Organization for Standardization (ISO), you must pass through all of the Gates of Conformity to win your ultimate prize - death from old age, as opposed to suicide. The option to kill yourself is always available in the menu. Being the hero and chickenshit that you are, though, you are determined to submit to every humiliation just so you can press forward. The world of the game is a vertical platform that moves with you along the Y axis, which represents time from some random year forwards: you may begin at 100 B.C., 1824 A.D., 12749 j-Spec and so on. It is really all the same where on the timeline you are dropped off. As with other platformers, once the screen has moved, there is no going back. You can walk freely to the left and right, however, pick up bonuses, disarm threats and converse with characters. Going up, every so often the screen is intersected by a wall with a gate in it. Your character's silhouette must either match the cut of the gate or be smaller to pass through. You start out small as a baby, a little circle, but very soon handicaps such as Discovery of Talent, Unusual Upbringing, Independent Spirit or Love of Sex will begin to rush at you to complicate your silhouette with Г, & and other such protrusions. You will also grow in size until your late 20s. Luckily, opportunities will also present themselves to prune some of this exotica: Family, Steady Job, Political Engagement, Puppy, Human Interest and other bonuses can be found or obtained from conversations to simplify your puzzle to a manageable cut until such time as the years pile on and the worst is behind you. You will become smaller and smaller and able to rush through the checkpoints one after the other to the finish line.
13) Six Handshakes to Liberty
The country is suffering under a cruel dictatorship. Ar-Parason, the president-for-life, has wrung the last of resources from the nation and has now thrown it into a disastrous war. In his palace he is surrounded by guards armed to the teeth and without a shred of conscience to shoot the bastard. What can you, a humble microbiologist living in the suburbs, do about this? Nothing, it seems, until you discover a strain of bacteria that is absolutely deadly within weeks and immune to all known antibiotics except one, still not fully developed. The microbe is passed along by touch. Alas, you discover it when you become infected with it. You still have the resources to finish the research on the antibiotic and save yourself, but now you realize that you possess the perfect secret weapon to rid the country of the tyrant. Although you can't get so close to Ar-Parason in person, someone must enjoy that intimacy...
Every day you do your research at the computer, look through the press, then put on gloves and go out in search of people in contact with other people who will, you hope, ultimately carry the strain to its target. You have to follow news to figure out whose hands to shake and who to sleep with - secretaries, daughters of generals, corrupt officials - and many times the scheme will fall short of success. The chain of handshakes will terminate early somewhere, and these intermediaries will just die. But all those sacrifices are worth it, aren't they? You keep several intrigues going at once, determined to see one of them to the end. Meanwhile an epidemic is beginning in the country, Ar-Parason is starting to take precautions, and your own remaining time that could be spent on finishing the antibiotic is also running short. What is more important: life, revenge, justice, survival, honor? Your actions will be your decisions.