Dignity health

Sometimes I feel like I never was. At the moment it's not as bad as it can be but just between July and January I was feeling that way to a point where it was hard to separate that thought/feeling from reality. Obviously I know it doesn't make sense because I look human and act human but it felt like such a strong belief and I couldn't question it anymore. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed about it that I haven't been able to share it and I want to overcome that hurdle even if it's just anonymously online.
Tho surviving is easier now with state support it's hard to reconcile with myself. So many issues stand in the way of being able to change something that is likely the result of lifelong abuse. My family (mom, dad, brother) were abusive - mom took it to another level.. it was so persistent and severe I had attempted suicide when I was 8. I think "feeling inhuman" originates at the abuse bc it was dehumanizing... being kicked out as small child in only underwear, having to cry n beg to be let inside, being gaslighted, having my boundaries violated over and over, being told lots of inappropriate things. She had my fam join in to tell me everything is my fault, I'm a devil child, not normal, not human. I felt scared of my mom. She told me things to make me believe that I would be mistreated even worse, e.g. by foster families or the state, (and my brother made me feel like I'd embarrass him) if I told anyone what's happening at home. There's really a lot more but I can't cover it all.
It became even worse after homelessness. It really drove home the feeling that I'm "not human." I feel like an alien. I had an attempt though I didn't want to die, I just thought I'd die anyway because no matter how hard I tried no one would help me, or ever tried to listen to me. I feel guilty about everything, even for being paid at work or going to doctors about physical health. I realized that I feel scared of being perceived by other people. Taking a walk is terrifying. And I have constant intrusive thoughts of being involved in an accident or being assaulted.
My relationships are empty, everything I do is to appear normal. I cope by humor but it's all that's left of me. I feel like I'm actually that mask now since there's no person behind it? My friendships are so one sided but I don't think they realize because this is just my "normal" self, nothing seems wrong with me because none of what I say here comes through. I can't be different with new people either though I wish I could be more authentic, because I don't know how or what it means for me. All I know to be is that silly little friend who can make people laugh and feel entertained.
Even tho I'm not doing nearly as bad rn I still feel like I've lost my humanity or at least that basic human dignity. I feel sorry for existing. Guilty for taking up space. Sometimes I cope by accepting, I guess, intrusive thoughts about being abused more or being killed. It's weird cause I don't have low self esteem anymore and a plenty of people seem to like me but I can't accept positive feelings towards me. They make me feel uncomfortable and like a fraud since I haven't been a real person for a long time.
I know there won't be much support to be gained or that I could even accept but I really do wonder if there is anyone else who ever felt inhuman in the same way that I do. I wonder if I could then convince myself that this would mean I'm actually human too

Anyone going to Dignity Health Sports Park or have any info to see if they can meet and greet some players?

"Ooh, we can do this!"
"Ooh, we can do this!"
"Ooh, we can do this!"
Persona 5 Royal is a remaster of a sequel of a spinoff of a spinoff of a game I'll never play based on a book I'll never read. Wisely, like a lot of long-running IPs, you don't need to know anything about the surrounding meta-series to jump in. Persona 5 is an eighty-hour long visual novel that is on occasion interrupted by a dungeon-crawling JRPG. It's not an even split. I'd say a good three-quarters of the game is just choosing dialogue options and watching cutscenes. One bullshit chapter aside, it's a pretty straightforward experience provided you keep up to date with your social obligations.
Persona 5 has you play a young student falsely accused of assault. Now on probation, you're sent packing to Tokyo where you begin a new year of school under a heavy cloud of suspicion. Your world is especially bleak when you learn that your classmates live under the thumb of a predatory gym-teacher. That is until you discover the Metaverse. This is a concept of a virtual world that has existed in public discourse long before a sweaty robot in real-life tried trademarking the term. In Persona 5's case, the metaverse is a realm borne from the subconscious thoughts and desires of the masses. The first chapter has our hero, codenamed Joker, travel to the verse and infiltrate the mental palace of the gym teacher. By stealing the treasure therein, he makes the teacher in the real world feel the weight of his crimes, forcing him to confess. It's like Inception with better audio-mixing. Or Paprika if you're a contrarian nerd.
Joker starts a team called the Phantom Thieves, made up of a close band of friends and some girl called Haru, and they embark on a mission to steal the hearts of the otherwise untouchable corrupt figures in authority. Each chapter follows the same formula. You first get a long period of cutscenes and exposition to set up the next villain. Then you enter a sandbox where you have two to three weeks to steal the treasure from the villain of the week's palace. It's recommended to binge said palace in the minimum number of days possible, to free up your time building your social stats and bonds.
Now that I've laid out the structure of the game, I can put forth where it shines, where it falters, and where it stuffs itself like Mr. Creosote.
Content Breakdown

• 9 Chapters
• 5 Social Stats
• 23 Confidants
• 33 Requests

The Perks of (not) being a Wallflower
I detest a sloppy interface. I hate it when a Eurojank RPG ejaculates a message onscreen like "You received 15 Experience Points" in Calibri font. Piranha Bytes, I'm looking at you. I believe there are two ways you can go about making an ideal interface. Either downplay it and make it largely invisible, like Resident Evil ever since it got rebooted in RE7 or give the interface a character in itself that reflects that the nature of the game. What people remember about Persona 5 is the sheer style it injects into every menu and transition. There's an energy to every speech-bubble and button-prompt. The striking red colour-scheme and excited typography ooze charm without ever hampering the legibility. Your reward for leveling up isn't a minor stat increase, it's hearing the satisfying pop of a balloon in the result screen. I never thought firing a gun in turn-based combat could be satisfying. The one stylistic choice that wasn't necessary were the jagged black-borders seen during cinematics. It reminded me of Dark Souls II where every time we introduced the boss, the cameraman got an erection.
*
I beat Dragon Quest XI a while back. I thought it was solid at the time, being a HD revisit of the much loved VIII. But my opinion of it has since soured like pasteurized milk in a heatwave. For one the protagonist had an incredibly boring design and possessed no personality whatsoever. Scene after scene would thrust him to the spotlight, despite him having no voiced dialogue nor able to register a single facial expression. Persona 5's Joker meanwhile never took me out of the action because the camera never gets it in his face, and he can speak a few words in at key moments. It's no exaggeration to say that Joker's design is iconic and instantly recognizable. Meanwhile that loser uncle from Watch Dogs laments that nobody cares about his ball-cap, which remain by the thousand gathering dust in a Canadian warehouse.
Dragon Quest XI also lost me due to its rather horrendous soundtrack. That game could take 90 hours to platinum when it had at most 90 minutes of music. If you ever stumbled upon a pleasing composition, that's because it was recycled from a previous game. The overworld theme of XI haunts my dreams with its cacophony of blarps heard in every corner of the world. I strongly believe that the composer, Koichi "No Dignity" Sugiyama, actually died years before his official passing. But his spirit was able to possess his corpse thanks to his reality-warping bigotry. By comparison Persona 5 has an actual soundtrack that easy on the ears. We've got Jazz, Pop, and a touch of Disco. The best track is "River in the Desert", a thumping vocal piece that hypes up the player's stature instead of the boss. I'm really not a music-listening-guy so I'll just hurry to the next point. It's easier to raze than to praise.
*
Persona 3 and 4 were made quick and cheap back in the day, with the most budget example of their production being the dungeons. Just floor after floor of randomly-generated rooms and corridors. Throw in some treasure chests and patrolling mobs of enemies and you're done. Persona 5 steps up by default simply by having level-design at all. Each palace you infiltrate is a hand-crafted zone with puzzles and set-pieces. To help sell the feeling of a heist, each palace is modeled after a locale like a bank, a castle, or a casino, but naturally governed by the ego of its ruler. It isn't mind-blowing for a game to have levels with setpieces and shortcuts, but it's such a strong move forward for the series that it can never go back to a bunch of flat and boring grids.
Persona 5 Royal still has a randomly-generated dungeon, but it's well handled here. When you steal the treasure from a palace, the place crumbles and can no longer be accessed. Mementos is the game's backup and mega-dungeon, being over seventy floors deep and unlocked piecemeal with the plot. Here you can quickly level up, earn cash and items, catch persona you missed and undertake side-quests. The quests are pretty much all the same, where you confront a mini-boss in an arena, but there aren't too many of them to outstay their welcome. Mementos has a rewarding collectible system whereby you can find stamps that can be used to augment the rate you gain experience, cash, and items. What's absolutely key about Mementos is that you have Ryuji's Insta-kill perk. This lets you immediately kill off low-level mobs without entering combat, but lets you keep all the spoils. This cuts down on hours of killing trash mobs. I honestly think this perk should have been available from the get-go.
*
Combat is quick and flashy, with the aim being to chain attacks together so that your enemies never get a word in. You hit foes in their elemental weakness or bring them to their knees with a status-effect, then cap them off with a flashy all-out attack. It's a testament to the game there is so much vitality in what is a purely turn-based affair with no quick-time events or timed button-mashing thrown in an attempt to perk things up. It's very much a winning formula that has been iterated and polished on for over a decade.
Guts and Friends are still on the Boat
The irony of Persona 5 is that for a game all about balancing one's social-life with work and making friends, you will have to give up your own real social-life and friends if you want to beat the fucking thing. Against my better judgment I powered through the thing in two weeks and earned the rather easy platinum after eighty hours. There's a second set of achievements in-game that demand you accomplish all the tedious shit like beat every superboss and collect every item, but nobody has the time for that. Now, I can't think of what to add to Persona 5 as to improve the experience, but I sure as hell have a laundry list of scenes that should have gotten the Hemingway treatment.
*
The first three-quarters of the story is told through a framing-device where Joker is in custody after a heist gone wrong. You're thrust back to the present between each chapter where the interrogator introduces the next villain. However, every time you initiate a new friendship, the framing-device butts in for no real reason. What's that? You became pals with the kid who plays the light-gun game at the arcade? That must explain how adept you are at firearms! This happens at least twenty times. It's an entire layer of commentary that didn't need to exist.
*
In an eighty-hour game, I don't think it's necessary to flashback to a moment that happened ten seconds ago.
*
The climax of the base game is incredibly long. The palace has you take on five minibosses who drop the keys needed to reach the treasure. In a surprising twist, the last mini-boss has three phases. The palace ruler then fights you in a five-phase battle. Hope you don't die at any point, because checkpoints aren't a thing in this game. Completing this palace launches you into the endgame which takes place inside of a single day. First you must reach the bottom of Mementos, which I also hope you hadn't neglected to fully plumb by this point. Then you have to complete two dungeons back-to-back in addition to four mini-bosses before finally taking down the god of evil or whoever. What makes this section especially drag is that the plot threads the player might have cared about are wrapped up in the middle of this dungeon crawl. You are essentially fighting a new villain at this point only vaguely tied to the main conspiracy.
*
I loosely followed a guide for the first four months of the game, and I was able to max out all my social stats by the midpoint. Still, the game had to pause while rewarding me points in charm or intellect I had no use for.
*
Towards the end of the game, I noticed a ton of identical scenes that occur back-to-back. When the true villain rears his head, all your party-members lose hope and choose to mope around in a prison block. You have to manually talk to all six of them and snap them out of their stupor, while the soundtrack keeps cutting between the same two maudlin tracks like this is Full House or something. This sequence is repeated again in the next chapter. For some reason it takes Joker an effing week just to hold a five-minute conversation with each of his friends. Then each of my friends unlocked their strongest persona, meaning the same scene again six times in a row. Just when the game threatened to end, there's a day where Joker is given a chocolate from all ten of the women he can befriend. The same scene, ten times, all in a row.
*
At the end of the first social link I completed there was a twist that put a neat bow on the friendship. I smiled at that. Then I completed another social link which delivered same twist, and another and another. My smile dropped. I feel the writers are running up against the structure of the game, with each social link having exactly ten levels to progress through. A game like Ys VIII or Yakuza can be more flexible and less repetitive with how side-quests are laid out because it's not beholden to a calendar. Persona 5 exposes the limitation of its central conceit since it has to stretch or squeeze every sidequest into the same ten beats.
*
In an eighty-hour game, I don't think it's necessary to flashback to a moment that happened ten seconds ago.
XXI. The Worst
I'm not sure if it's a Japanese thing or a Persona thing, but the relationship between Joker and his homeroom teacher gets really awkward. The thing is you'll want to embark on this weird friendship as early as possible as she offers the most useful perks in the game.
*
Ryuji is your first companion, and he's likable from the get-go. He's a wrongly disgraced athlete who's not big on the books, but he possesses a firm sense of justice and is a faithful brother-in-arms from the minute you meet him. The worst scene of the game sees Ryuji put his friends' safety over his own wellbeing, proving him to be at heart a selfless and compassionate person. He then gets beaten up by the very people he saved, as a joke. Persona 5 is peppered with little "anime-isms" that would be inoffensive in a twenty minute cartoon, but are plain tasteless in a story-heavy epic that wants to be taken seriously.
The second worst scene of the game sees Ryuji get hit on by a camp gay duo. In a story with many healthy friendships between men, what wasn't needed was a pair of dated and unfunny stereotypes seemingly time-warped here from 2003. The Royal remaster tries to dress down their offensive nature, but it would have kinder to omit them entirely like Yakuza 3 did with its crossdresser country-runner subplot.
*
Persona 5 has an excellent soundtrack, no argument here. But like the previous game it commits the sin of having one unchanging battle theme. There are technically two, one for when you ambush the enemy 95% of the time, the other for when the enemy ambushes you. In essence you're going to hear the first fifteen seconds of the same pop song ad nauseum across an eighty-hour game.
*
Persona 5 still has that old chestnut where you get a Game Over if Joker falls in combat, regardless of how healthy the rest of the party is. While there may have been an in-story justification for this rule back in Persona 3, or in the SMT games where your characters acts as a beast-tamer with no human allies, here it just feels like a tradition that has stuck around because nobody cared to take a second look at it. Like an employee who was technically fired ages ago, but who still shows up at the workplace and acts like nothing happened.
*
Personal preference, but I think the persona system itself could be streamlined. The act of recruiting of monsters in the Persona sub-series is downplayed because only Joker can change and customize his persona. There are hundreds of persona to fuse together, with dozens of possible traits and hundreds of possible skills to pass on, which feels like overkill for sake of customization. Persona started as a spinoff of a series that was hardcore turn-based combat and dungeon-crawling. But with the introduction of the social-sim element the needle shifted and dungeon-crawling is no longer the sole exhibit. I think that for all the polish and new toys Persona 5 brings, it wouldn't be a bad idea to cut down on the series baggage it inherits. It's also tedious on level-up having to discard old skills to make room for new ones.
*
The first antagonist is a predatory gym teacher called Kamoshida and he's an excellent villain for how real he is. He's not tied to the overarching conspiracy or some supernatural monster, he's simply a rotten man in authority not far removed from the countless rotten real-life men in authority who make the headlines every week. The first chapter builds and builds on Kamoshida's depravity, making your vendetta with him both personal and just. The mood lightens when Joker and his friends get a handle on how the metaverse, and there is a well-earned catharsis in bringing Kamoshia down from the inside.
The problem is that the rest of the villains after Kamoshida suck. All of them, except for the new guy introduced in the Royal remaster, are missing something. One villain decides to reform offscreen and promptly disappears. Another villain is shown to be nothing but a despicable businessman without a single redeeming trait. When he gets killed off by the conspiracy, it's played as a tragedy, but again the game has any tender moments to his name happen offscreen. The main villain, who drives the first eighty-percent of the plot, is a massive disappointment. You'll know who he is after the first chapter, though inevitably the Phantom Thieves are too thick to grasp that the random guy with voice-acting and his own character portrait will be important later. When the main villain formally takes the spotlight, he gives us the worst written exchange in the game, wherein he and his henchman talk about the evil plan they're undertaking, despite both characters knowing each other for years and having no reason to exposit shit now except for the benefit of an invisible audience. No matter how much they want us to hate this guy there is simply nothing to grasp on to. He's too thinly sketched to merit any animosity.
By comparison, the villain of Yakuza 7 was a politician who was all but useless in a fight. Where Persona 5 pays lip service to rebellion, Yakuza 7 goes heavily political and is all the better for it. The villain there pulls an absolutely disgusting move right out of the nationalist playbook, yet taking him down is not a purely cathartic act. The final confrontation is a rollercoaster of emotion that drives the hero, the villain, and the audience to blubbering tears. For how long Persona 5 is, it fails to flesh out its antagonists to register them as in being any way interesting. It's also disappointing in the lack of any female villains.
The Royal remaster isn't so much of an expanded version of the game as it is a mulligan, a do-over. They must have realized that the villains after Kamoshida kind of blew, so they capped the game off with an extra chapter and a proper antagonist. You'll know who this guy is long before the other shoe drops, but he is a strong addition and offers an excellent performance by a now sadly departed voice-actor. The new chapter also pairs you up with an evil party member who is refreshing in how much of a hammy, abrasive jerk he is.
*
Now I must come to the elephant in the room, and I'm not talking about Ganesha. This is the absolute low-point of Persona 5, an opinion shared by pretty much everyone who has beaten the game. The fifth chapter of Persona 5 is unequivocally garbage. We're introduced to Haru, the last member of the Phantom Thieves. She makes her formal appearance forty hours in and her social link is the final one to be unlocked. By the time I'd finally spoken to her I'd maxed out all my social stats, finished most of my bonds, and the Phantom Thieves had undergone many close adventures together, making it a tall order to care about some new girl so late in the day. Even the girl stapled on by the Royal remaster has more build-up than Haru.
Despite Haru having personal ties to the villain of the week, the plot decides that a talking cat should take the limelight instead. In the showdown between Haru and the villain, the talking cat gets the shining moment instead of Haru. Why are we are focused on the fucking talking cat? There is an utterly stupid conflict with this talking cat that comes from nowhere, accomplishes nothing, and is promptly wrapped up having no effect on the greater narrative. There's also an attempt to frame what has been a black-and-white situation until now into a moral quandary, even though the thieves were perfectly justified in their actions which they did for selfless reasons. It's like Batman catching the Joker trying to make baby oil by crushing babies, and the Joker stops Batman in his tracks by asking what if Batman was the real guilty party here?
Sadly it isn't just the writers who are chugging stupid pills in this chapter. The game-design takes a deep dive into obnoxious waters. The palace has this nonsensical puzzle with switches and airlocks that I gave up on trying to decipher the logic of, so alt-tab to Neoseeker I did. But the real offender is the boss. Oh God, the boss. Due to his resemblance to Robin William, I'm going to call him Patch Adams. This is how the fight against Patch Adams goes:

• It's eight phases long. The first five phases pit you against a quartet of robots.
• Each quartet of robots are vulnerable to a certain element.
• You have to defeat all four robots simultaneously, or the surviving robots will retreat and the phase will start over with new robots at full health.
• One robot will always destroy itself, which triggers the rest to retreat, so you have a limited number of turns to destroy them all before that point.
• Your time is actually limited. There's a thirty minute countdown that doesn't stop for anything. Not even the cutscenes.

I would happily kill the Fume Knight once more than ever face Patch Adams again. He's so astoundingly difficult because he's in the wrong game entirely. He should be the optional superboss in a hardcore RPG, not a mandatory boss in a breezy social-sim. He's not the harbinger of any later difficulty either, because the game goes right back to being a snooze after him. The difficulty-curve of Persona 5 Royal is a flat line with a single spike in the middle, like receiving a prostate exam by a doctor who absent-mindedly dipped his glove in tabasco sauce. It's so staggeringly awful a fight, to introduce so many mechanics at once and expect the player to get a handle on them all in a short space of time.
*
Like the talking cat mentioned above, the game has a frustrating tendency to focus on the wrong characters. The social-links with party members like Ann and Makoto are more about conversing with their incredibly annoying and unlikable friends. More than once a character is built up as a slimeball who looks to have their heart changed, only for you to never confront them and the whole matter is quickly resolved offscreen.
Rank Up!
Persona 5 is a game that will fall apart for some on account of its weak plotting, disappointingly lightweight story, and excessive length. But it kept me glued to my gamepad on the strength of its gameplay, polish, and presentation. It's a massive game and trying to topple it completely with my criticism is like trying to knife to death an already beached whale. It's far too big and could have afforded a tighter focus on the elements that mattered. The Royal remaster adds a welcome ton of polish and quality-of-life features, but it also renders a good chunk of the game's underlying systems redundant.
Both the first and final chapters are its strongest, narratively, so I'm more inclined to forgive its countless fuck-ups in the middle. It's far from the best of the "big" games I've played but it still manages to stick the landing. Obviously I'd recommend a loose guide if you want to see every story event in the one playthrough. I chide games like Red Dead II for going all out on the visuals while leaving the underlying mechanics rusty and unchanged, so I must praise Persona 5 for pushing the hardware towards timeless style over aging polygons, while taking care to examine what's under the hood. You'd never guess this game released on the PS3, years after the console's heyday.
Persona 5 is big fun while it lasts though you will notice when it leans on the most aggravating of anime tropes. Again, sometimes I can't tell if the thing that annoys me is a Japanese thing or a Persona thing. Like Yakuza, this pancake is little overcooked on one side, but you'll enjoy it all the same.

New My Son Sanctuary
Deep Periphery, 50 light years spin-coreward of Spitz
May 3rd, 3145
Elizabeth Hugh was meditating in her small cabin. The smell of lilac and cedar from the gardens surrounding the temple wafted gently through the open windows and doors, coming in on the warm spring breeze. Her cream colored robes marked her as a Sister in the Order that had made this uncharted world its home. She was comfortable here, her eyes closed, her hair - once vibrant and red, now gray - braided and expertly tied with a piece of twine. She - who had once been called a Queen - contented herself with simple meals taken at a shared table, and a simple cot where she could lay her head.
How far she had come was a testament to the person who had held this post before her - for Elizabeth had been a Queen, the terrible pirate who had led the Mailed Fist Marauders. They had raided all throughout the spinward periphery, from the Raven Alliance to the Fronc Reaches. Brutal and destructive, the Marauders left nothing but death and destruction in their wake. Badly injured in a fire fight with the TDF, they had made a wild jump into an uncharted system. Getting weaker, Elizabeth had fought to stay in command, but she was unceremoniously dumped into an escape pod and shot at the planet she would come to learn was “New My Son Sanctuary”, a Buddhist temple and retreat settled centuries ago during the height of the Old Star League.
While being nursed back to health, Elizabeth discovered that the sanctuary had BattleMechs. She began to scheme on how to use this information to get back at her old pirate band. The Abbess had figured out what she was plotting, saying she had a raging fire burning within her - and that it would consume her if she tried. A deal was struck - the Abbess would support her if she could defeat her in battle.
Elizabeth had laughed, letting her pirate Queen side into full view before this woman for the first time. The Abbess didn’t react and instead led her to the Mech hanger. Here, two ancient ARC-2K Archers had been prepped by the Monks and Nuns. Instead of their robes they wore gray uniforms and carried a mix of antipersonal and anti-armor weapons - Elizabeth had not been prepared for that, nor with how well the two machines had been maintained. She was a natural MechWarrior, born and raised into a pirate band, but she was starting to feel she was in over her head. She was right.
After her defeat, shocked at how easily it had been managed she had stood before the Abbess in broken humility. It was the moment that had changed her life. “You have a choice. We have the ability to send you away, if you choose to go back to your old life we can make that happen, though I will tell you now you will die. Or you can stay here. Here you can live and thrive. If you choose to stay here, then go to the well and bring me water.” Elizabeth had stood there for a moment, but had turned and taken a step towards the wooden bucket by the door. It was the first step that would define her new life.
She ended her meditation with a carefully exhaled breath and stood. Despite being almost 70 years of age, and the terrible wound she had suffered, she still was able to move with the grace of an athlete. Even with the ever growing pain and itchiness around her old wound. The meditation and her ability to focus her mind kept the worst of it at bay.
This was because she still trained every day with the younger Monks and Nuns that called this Sanctuary home, while also maintaining her duties as Abbess. Duties that required attending now. She stepped out onto the wooden walkway that meandered through the blossoming lilacs and flowers of the garden and walked slowly through the morning sun towards the open courtyard that would hold her visitor - Brother Michael of the Brotherhood of Randis. She caught him staring at a fountain, keeping their koi pond aerated. “Brother Michael!” Her voice - which had once screamed names, now was soft and light. The man turned and smiled.
“Abbess!” He bowed slightly towards her. “Thank you again for your hospitality. The extra rice and wheat will be greatly helpful for the victims of the Broken Bones faction.” Elizabeth nodded and smiled, “And the extra missiles provided by your facilities will help keep us engaging.” He frowned, “But again, I must beg of you - Wolf Empire forces have been raiding deep into this region, can we assign any extra guards to you?”
Elizabeth shook her head, “No Brother Michael, we are fine.” She gestured towards the gardens and towards the wider temple complex. “While they might come into this system, there is little chance they would see this and think of us as having resources worth taking or wasting their time on. Our larger manufacturing capabilities are deep underground in the old Star League supply depot.” She paused, “Would you care to join me for tea?”
Brother Michael shook his head and smiled, “I am glad you feel safe but if you change your mind we will come when you call. And yes, I will join you for tea before leaving.”
With that, Elizabeth and Michael adjourned to the dining area where they discussed logistics and how the Sanctuary and the Brotherhood could continue to support one another over the next few months of operations.
Wolf Empire Ship, Kerensky’s Blood
Unnamed System
Deep Periphery, spin-coreward of Federated Suns territory
May 6th, 3145
“Listen up!” Star Captain Maria Stims floated into the conference room and strapped herself into a chair. Around her were the young MechWarriors assigned to her trinary. Their mission was simple, follow old Explorer Corp routes to uncover ComStar or Word of Blake depots or other useful information. “Our next target is an isolated world called New My Son Sanctuary. Records were difficult to uncover. The Star League became aware of it during the Periphery Uprising, shortly before the vile Usurper struck. They had created a supply depot away from the colony that had come here - some kind of religious order.” She looked down at her data pad. “ComStar made contact roughly 100 years ago - supposedly the colony still existed but that was all that the Acolyte had recorded.” She placed the data pad down on the velcro strip intended to hold it place when in zero G. “Obviously with both ComStar and the old Star League having been here, it is important that we get eyes on this world and determine what - if anything - is of value to Clan Wolf. Quiaff?” The table gave her the affirmation she was seeking. “Questions?’
One of the MechWarriors, brash and aggressive, quickly raised his hand, “When we get there will we strike immediately?” She could see the eagerness in his eyes.
“Neg. We shall follow custom and issue a batchal for a Trial of Possession of the world. We have no reason to believe that those that are there are even warriors, and we are not pirates to raid and attack undefended targets.” That was what David wanted though, he felt the blood lust and the eagerness for war. She turned sharply to the other warriors, “Any other questions? Good. We jump in one hour, then we will burn 2g into the system. We estimate three days until landing. Dismissed.”
The Wolf warriors went to their duties eagerly, hoping that this landing would be contested, hoping that they would have a chance to howl and hunt.
New My Son Sanctuary
Deep Periphery, 50 light years spin-coreward of Spitz
May 9th, 3145
Abbess Elizabeth and two of her Monks were reviewing the telescope and radar telemetry coming in. It had been three days since their systems - ancient Star League communications equipment - had alerted them to the unexpected arrival of a JumpShip. The Wolf Empire forces had eagerly announced themselves with a standard Clan Batchall, and Elizabeth had decided to wait till they landed. She calmly worked a string of beads hanging from the sash she had tied around her waist as her advisors and she discussed what they were seeing. They helped her focus and think of a plan. Their small arms and handful of mechs and vehicles would not be up to the task of fighting off what they estimated to be a full trinary of Clan OmniMechs. But their Batchall and code of honor might be helpful. In more ways than one.
The challenge had been simple. The Wolf Empire was claiming this world and all resources upon it. They had not mentioned the Supply Depot but Elizabeth knew that was probably why they were here.
Elizabeth nodded to her advisors, “So we are decided then?” They both nodded their consent. She turned to their Star League equipment and switched it on. “Empire ship Kerenksy’s Blood. This is the independent settlement of New My Son Santuary, I am Abbess Elizabeth, leader of the religious order that resides here. I am transmitting landing coordinates. We accept your batchall, and wish to meet to discuss terms. I shall have one of my monks wait for you.”
A short amount of lag later, allowing for the signal to go out and for them to respond, a woman’s voice crackled to life. “Aff, Abbess. We shall meet to discuss terms. Kerensky’s Blood out.” The radio went silent.
Elizabeth nodded, “Well then, I must go prepare.”
Wolf Empire Ship, Kerensky’s Blood
New My Son Sanctuary
May 9th, 3145
The landing had gone smoothly, with the Monks providing clear direction and instruction to the experienced DropShip crew. The old Union-C had participated in the original Clan Invasion of the Inner Sphere a century ago. It now was used by this inexperienced Trinary on a mission of great importance to their Empire. As the dust cleared, ground crews approached swiftly to prepare the Union. Star Captain Maria stopped them quickly, not until the crew of the DropShip could confirm that no trickery was afoot.
Standing on the tarmac, she watched as the ground crews worked with the DropShip crew and with a quick hand signal saying everything was alright she finally relaxed. This changed in an instance when a person close behind her cleared their throat. “Star Captain Maria?” She whirled to see a young man dressed in a cream robe, his hands politely clasped in front of him. His face was serene with no sign of fear or alarm. His only ornamentation was a set of beads tied to a sash. He bowed slightly as she turned to face him. “The Abbess is this way.” Her Trinary - really just cubs if she thought about it - followed behind her. They were eager to fight and pillage but she had explained that the rules of engagement must be followed.
She was disturbed that there was no fear apparent on this young man’s face. Everyone seemed to think their arrival was completely ordinary in fact. She felt something was wrong, but couldn’t put her finger on what. But the monk was already walking away so she gestured for her MechWarriors to follow her and strode forward trying not to let her unease get the best of her.
Away from the space port, the colony became very quiet. Maria was impressed with the beauty of the gardens and architecture. But this was no place of warriors, and she was mildly contemptuous of the monks she saw tending to the flowers and gardens. She heard one of the MechWarriors behind her comment on food that food eats and she laughed internally though she wouldn’t let it show on her face.
They finally emerged into a courtyard where a table was set up. Around the courtyard stood a handful of Monks, and sitting at the table, puttering with a tea pot and tray was an older woman. Star Captain Maria paused for a brief second for on the table were two bare blades - two kiem style blades, one decorated in garnets the other with amethysts. Despite the jeweled ornament, both blades looked functional - and sharp. Her MechWarriors noticed the blades as well and stopped at the well manicured grass edge of the Courtyard.
The Abbess gave no sign that she saw them or even was aware of their existence. Maria decided to stand on tradition. “The Wolves of Kerensky have claimed this world for their own. What tame dogs defend it?” She called out with conviction, her voice projecting the ancient challenge clearly through the air.
The Abbess looked up and smiled faintly, “Tame dog is it? That I might be, that I might be!” At this she laughed, “Please, come forward and sit. I have prepared tea. We shall outline our defenses and options, and if I remember correctly, choose the place of combat. Is that correct?” She began to pour the tea, “And this will be for a Trial of Possession - primarily of the old Star League supply depot. It is fully operational by the way.”
Maria paused. This Abbess was not what she had expected from a Periphery backwater far off the map. She began to approach when one of her MechWarriors, a hot head named David, stepped forward, “What is this?” He demanded, gesturing to encompass the entirety of the table and the courtyard. The Abbess just looked at him. “We come to claim this world and you wish us to drink tea like children?!”
“MechWarrior David!” Maria snapped loudly, “Stand down!” He looked outraged. The Abbess did not seem to have any reaction at all. Maria stepped forward, “My apologies Abbess, some of my MechWarriors are new and this is their first mission.” She sat and took the offered cup of tea, she sipped at it cautiously. It was delicious and fresh, green and light on her tongue. “Which is what I have brought: 15 Wolf Empire MechWarriors with a range of light and medium OmniMechs. What forces do you bid?”
The Abbess smiled. “Myself.”
Maria stopped for a second, “My apologies, but you wanted to discuss a battle challenge.” She placed her tea down, “I cannot fight an old woman.” The Abbess laughed.
“Pick a blade.” The Abbess smiled. Maria looked at them both for a moment and reached for the garnet encrusted blade. Her hand was quick, her movement sure but as her fingers wrapped around the blade the amethyst blade flashed in the light and was at her throat.
The Clan MechWarriors all stepped forward. Maria raised her other hand and ordered them to stop. “If the Abbess wanted me dead, I would be dead. She is trying to demonstrate that we should acknowledge her as a warrior.” Maria nodded and let go of the blade on the table, the amethyst sword disappeared, silently finding a scabbard within the robes of the Abbess. Maria considered how her people were surrounded by very calm Monks and Nuns wearing similar robes.
“I would like to propose a duel. Myself against one of your warriors. First, the duel must be between equal equipment, second if we emerge successful, the Wolf Empire must cede all claim on this world and it’s people. Third, the person who I face, if they lose, must join the Sanctuary.”
Maria shook her head, “That doesn’t seem entirely fair. Whatever BattleMechs you have would be keyed for your people, mine would not know the first thing about them or be comfortable with them.”
Elizabeth nodded, “Fair. I shall grant you a period of two weeks to familiarize yourself with the machines. You will have access to both BattleMechs we will use, whichever one you choose I shall take the other. You can have both for the two week period. The battle shall be fought within the bamboo forests to our east. The victor shall be the first person to bypass the other’s armor and go internal.”
Before Maria could speak, David spoke. “I demand the honor of accepting this challenge for the Wolf Empire!” Maria frowned, as David was one of her best pilots - but an absolute hot head. They knew nothing about the machines. But she was stuck. David had unexpectedly bound her to this Trial.
Star Captain Maria stood, “Well bargained and done.”
Elizabeth stood and bowed, “Well bargained and done.”
Wolf Empire Ship, Kerensky’s Blood
New My Son Sanctuary
May 21st, 3145
True to her word, two ARC-2K Archers had been brought to the Kerensky’s Blood. Despite their age, they were well maintained. One of Maria’s Mechtechs informed her that - if he hadn’t seen their service records, he would have assumed they had been preserved right off of the assembly line. He had been incredibly impressed. Despite their age and primitive technology - compared to the Clans - both were towering examples of the powerful weapons and capabilities of the Archer class. The LRM and Large laser combo made for a dangerous and deadly machine, elegant and straightforward.
As with the blades, both Mechs followed a similar pattern. Both were painted an off white cream color, one decorated in red, the other purple, with stylized flower designs. Maria had her techs go over them in detail within the first few hours and they had signed off. Other than the paint, both were identical. There were no hidden changes, no traps. This was going to be a shear test of skill and stamina - the old woman against the young pup.
David had chosen the red Archer, the orchid design appealing to his sense of style. “Red like the flame that burns within me!” he had quipped as he climbed up into the cockpit. He had begun by running the mech through its paces in what would become the battlefield. Testing the laser and missile systems. He complained bitterly about how primitive they were, comparing the targeting and tracking systems to iron sights. Maria’s concern grew. She ordered him to keep going and practicing while her techs continued to dig into both BattleMechs. When he exhausted his ammo, she was prepared to argue for more but when she opened the discussion more was simply provided. A large truck pulled up to their DropShip, and the Sanctuary workers helped to unload the ammo bins.
While Maria was incredibly impressed with the professionalism and the dignity in which everyone operated, including invitations to dinner and tea, she was uneasy. They behaved with incredible honor and she must respect that - but she had a sinking feeling that within two days she would be leaving this world in defeat. The Abbess was serene and calm, and the only preparation Maria had seen her perform was practicing tai chi in the courtyard.
She tried to give what wisdom she could to David, but he was headstrong and confident, eager to prove his value as a warrior in a perfect duel of honor that would highlight his abilities to the Clan. He scorned her cautions and words, and enjoyed his two weeks of throwing an incredibly large amount of missiles down range.
Maria frowned and was also aware that the DropShip captain was watching this unfold uneasily as well. Both discussed what would happen and both grew worried. The Abbess would return to pick up the lilac Archer, and then both would head towards the forest.
Hanh Forest
New My Son Sanctuary
May 23rd, 3145
David smiled smugly as he followed the Abbess down the winding path. It would diverge ahead and both would have a few minutes to get to their respective staging areas. The Archer did move smoothly under his command, and he was vibrating with eagerness to get into this duel and claim this world for the Empire. When they hit the break, the Abbess turned. His comms crackled to life, “MechWarrior David of the Wolf Empire, please follow the designated path to your staging area. When you are ready please signal the Monk who is your attendant. He will signal my attendant and we will begin.”
“Aff, Abbess” He shot off immediately and turned down the path. He quickly reached the staging area as he could see on his heads up display that Elizabeth had reached hers. Their battle area was a small forest with rolling hills. Ideal for ranged combat. He reviewed everything he had studied and practiced and after taking a steadying breath bared his teeth like a wolf and sent the signal to the Monk. A single flag was waved and a red firework shot off into the sky. A moment later a purple firework exploded and he slammed his Mech forward as fast as it could go straight towards the Abbess. It was too far for his LRMs, but he would close that distance quickly.
***
Elizabeth shifted to her right, watching her displays and seeing the young MechWarrior charge straight ahead. She smiled faintly as she thought of her own charge, and maneuvered expertly through the bamboo. Her Archer - despite its size and weight - was graceful, and she maneuvered with light touches and an ease brought on by years of experience.
He was closing the distance, changing direction slightly to match her own shift. As he crested a hill at the maximum range of their LRMs, he opened fire. Elizabeth casually shifted direction and speed, and his missiles went wide, flying through the forest branches like birds. She tracked back along their exhaust and as her Mech settled into position gently squeezed her triggers causing thirty of her own dangerous birds to soar across the distance before eagerly tearing into David’s armor. While nothing penetrated, he was bloodied.
***
David gasped as both the heat and damage indicators spiked within his console. He reeled, and slammed his controls down and over, shoving himself into thicker cover while also trying to pivot for a new lock. He had a perfect site line and she had just casually side stepped him. He hammered his controls while fighting the mech’s inertia and the laws of physics. She was already on the move and he was having a hard time tracking her. Another wave of missiles came at him and more armor popped. Again he fired, this time more desperately, and managed to slightly clip her legs. He howled for now he was not alone in taking damage.
***
Elizabeth twisted to the left and slowed to a walk. Her opponent had managed to cause some light damage to her legs, but she had avoided the worst of it. His aim was improving but she had scored multiple groupings across his torso and arms, significantly weakening his armor.
She watched as he tried to charge straight at her again, and she correctly anticipated his path - more missiles shot out at much closer range. This time his speed partly saved him for less missiles hit but he still took some damage. He opened up with his large lasers and missiles, spiking his heat to a dangerously high level - and only scoring a single hit against her. She sped up again as he slowed down to a crawl, the heat level quickly overloading his machine.
***
David gasped for air, his throat screaming in agony at the super heated gas he was desperately trying to breathe filled his lungs. He slammed the override button, as every system screamed in protest at him. Finally switching focus to his scans he realized that the Abbess was gone - where she was what felt like a second ago she was gone now. Alarms blaring in his ears he struggled to reorient himself and try to figure out where she was. He gasped as a laser slammed into his arm, boiling away the last of the armor there. He tried to turn but the Archer was ignoring his need for speed, and responded only sluggishly. He screamed and pounded the controls, desperately trying to get any weapon system pointed towards his opponent. Getting one arm up he fired desperately, the shot going well wide of his target. Another laser flashed and cut into his torso - boiling away the armor and in a flash his autoeject system had triggered, launching him brutally into the sky as the LRM ammo cooked off and destroyed the Archer.
Sanctuary Medical Ward
New My Son Sanctuary
May 30th, 3145
MechWarrior David jerked awake with a gasp, sitting upright he looked around wildly for a second before he realized where he was. “I…” he paused. “I lost.” He whispered quietly.
“Yes, you did.” The voice was that of the Abbess. She was sitting next to him. He looked at her realizing what his honor required.
“What happened?”
Elizabeth nodded, “You were aggressive and forward in the finest tradition of Clan Wolf. You fought hard and you lost. Star Captain Maria accepted the outcome of the Trial and has returned to the Empire. You remain as the newest Monk of the Sanctuary.” He nodded, it was what honor required.
“How did I lose?” He couldn’t understand how he couldn’t get a lock, couldn’t find her.
“As I said you fought hard - but you didn’t just fight me. You fought your BattleMech. You fought yourself. The more you fought the more you resisted yourself, the more your BattleMech resisted you. Warfare and battle is not about challenge and aggressiveness. I didn’t fight you. I let you fight yourself.”
He digested that for a few minutes. Elizabeth just sat silently. “What happens now?”
Elizabeth smiled and reached over. “You came to us raw, here you shall train and become a true warrior.” She paused and looked around. “Your timing was fortunate, I am dying. And while I might have a few years left in me with treatment, we were preparing to find a replacement for me when you came to us. You will now learn how to lead and protect these people and the responsibilities you are entrusted with. You shall become a wolf among the lilacs, guarding this world and protecting it.”
He nodded. “What must I do?” He asked.
She pointed to a wooden bucket, “First you will get water, then you shall chop wood. We shall make tea.” He nodded, and got out of bed. He picked up the cream robe over the chair and put it on, grabbing the bucket he went out to the yard and filled it. The fire that was consuming him was out, and he was ready to begin his life.

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I am looking for a good doctor. I’m dealing with some chronic health issues of unknown origin as well as an existing diagnosis of epilepsy. My health is getting so bad that I’m struggling to function at work and am having a hard time keeping up with basic self-care and household tasks. I had a shockingly horrible experience with my last primary care doctor (Dr Silver @ Dignity/PCC) who seemed disengaged and unwilling to work with me to figure out why I feel like garbage all the time. Willing to pay out of pocket, whatever it takes to get my life back. Does anyone have suggestions?
Specifically: I’m looking for a doctor who can coordinate testing and diagnosis, who uses conventional medicine, nutrition, physical therapy, et cetera. Most importantly, someone who will spend more time than just a 5-minute appointment, and won’t dismiss my concerns. I am not looking for a chiropractor OR someone who only believes in “natural treatments”. I’m also worried about falling for treatment that isn’t evidence-based and will be a waste of time and money; or just an extended sales pitch for supplements. Willing to travel as far as SB for the right provider. Hopefully not all the way to the Bay or LA but if there’s nothing out here, I might have to. I’ve been reading through reviews online but would really like to hear more about specific providers who have assisted you with diagnosis and management of chronic health conditions. Please share your experiences, good and bad.

Waking up and processsing my life and those around me has been challenging. I’ve put off therapy thinking I can manage my anger and deep pain. Hours and hours deconstructing my thought processes, doctrines and my life I’ve hit rock bottom and I guess for my family and mental health I’m putting this in writing as the first step in ending a book I’m my life.
My child was 10 when covid hit and I woke up. She expressed her views on disbelief in God and I assured her I would never abandon her and promised to give her dignity to have her own beliefs. I never pushed anything on her. I still have my beliefs and faith in God. I pray, read my Bible but don’t include her in it or make her do anything. Over the past couple of years as she has gotten older we have realized if her lips are moving she’s lying. She’s a pathological liar. She’s been like that since she was little but I thought she would grow out of it. She’s getting into a world of trouble and upon search of her room I found that she has a Wiccan pagan manual and has most likely been practicing witchcraft. For the past two years I look at her and I don’t even see my daughter her eyes are glossed over she can’t look at me in the eyes she can’t even come near me or hug me. We used to be so close. Long story short she’s made really bad decisions and her anger with me has led to her lying about things that have irreversibly damaged everyone in the family.
Her anger with me lies in the fact that I don’t except her behavior, the way she treats people and her actions. She has become sadistic tendencies as well and has traits of enjoyment seeing other people suffer. She’s gotten lost in the shuffle of me dealing with being raised in a cult and how my life has been. I realized that the past two years of deconstruction has left me ill-equipped emotionally to be able to parent her in the way that she needs. Not only do I have intense anger and pain from the effects of the cult but I also have an immense amount of guilt for not being able to be the parent that she needs and deserves.
I’ve realized that my relationship with the organization has mirrored itself and that has become the relationship between me and my daughter. I felt the organization had abandoned rejected me judged me and so I lashed out on the organization and my daughter feels rejected and judged by me so she’s lashed out against me.
What I realized is that I can’t go on like this anymore I can’t keep checking Reddit I can’t be concerned anymore with witnesses do don’t do or what the organization does it’s destroying me. It’s destroying my family and getting out didn’t solve it. My father believes that the subpoenaed shepherd the flock book is a fake from apostate they believe Geoffrey Jackson’s testimony is a deep fake and it’s all lies by apostates. It’s literally driven me insane.
They’re never gonna change there’s nothing I can do. To the many activists out there that are fighting for changes in laws loopholes and exposing this cult for what it is you’re heroes cause it’s something I can’t do I can’t keep going like this.
I have to completely walk away and not allow any JW things in my life so that I can heal and be there for my daughter because I don’t wanna lose her and I’ve already lost so much.
Today is the day that I need to let go of everything and I have to write this out for closure.
I’m going to get Professional help because of what I’m realizing is the damage done from this cult is far greater and deeper then one can process on their own.
Peace and love be with you all

I've been experiencing smelling my boyfriend's bad breath for a good year and a half. There's been times it's overwhelmed me so much I've cried in secret. It smells of farts/eggs and I can smell it when we're lying next to each and he talks, sometimes when kissing and when he's asleep, when being intimate etc. I have tried to ignore it by breathing through my mouth but I find it hard to be consistent doing that and it is just masking the issue.
He is completely oblivious despite numerous times I've told him, it's like he really can't smell it but I can smell it from him 90% of the time coming from his mouth. I explained to him he might have a gut or dental issue and went to the doctodentist and they couldn't find anything. He used to chew Airways gum which was a lot better, then he stopped using them and started using bubblegum flavoured gum, that then became strawberry flavoured mints. He obviously doesn't think it's as much as an issue as it is otherwise he'd be consistently using the strongest stuff. He said he feels mints taste too strong. But it just means his breath periodically smell of strawberry flavoured farts 😭
He used some gut health and gut flora probiotics he gets on discount and I just feel he's wasting his money. I even bought him ones with the salivaris probiotic, a months worth with the idea that he'll buy future ones himself and stop with the gut health ones but he ditched the ones I was hopeful about and continues to use the ones that haven't made a difference.
What do I do now? We're going to be moving in together and I will really struggle with this, going from 2 days to 7 days a week of smelling eggs. I think it would be weird/rude if I just go around wearing a face mask in the house lol
How can I a) ensure he is consistent with doing the right thing b) we get to the bottom of this and c) his feelings a d dignity are maintained as much as possible?

Let's. Go. O's!

I find myself in an extremely uncomfortable and awkward situation. I lost my father to prescription drug addiction last year. He was the only person in my family who accepted me for who I am, and truly loved me. My siblings, mother and her side of the family, my father’s brother and his family completely disown me. His parents are still alive but are old and have mild/moderate dementia. They do not understand anything LGBT at all, and refuse to use my name or gender me properly.
My father left everything to me (a sizable amount of money) but because his will was not notarized, I had to split it with my siblings who hate me and hadn’t spoken to my dad since 2007 and see my grandparents once every two years. To top it all off, I had a mental health crisis after he died and was hospitalized for a bit.
During this time period, my uncle (father’s brother) who had never been to a single birthday or holiday for over 20 years shows up, convinces my grieving grandparents that I’m a prostitute who attacks cops and that I was in jail not the hospital. He did this because it was my dad and I in their will, and they had to rewrite it. They wrote me out and decided to give everything to my uncle.
Because of this and their refusal to acknowledge, well, me, my relationship with my grandparents wasn’t the best. I drastically cut back on my visits. The last time I went there, I found out something that completely horrified me.
My grandfather informed me that he bought a double tombstone. My dad wasn’t married at the time, so I asked who the other spot was for. It was for ME.
Now here’s the deal, I’ve been out since 2008, and have my name and gender changed on everything but my frickin car title. I’m also engaged in a 4 year relationship and plan on getting cremated. Do you think they’d put my actual legal name on the stone? No, they put my goddam DEADNAME on my “side” of my father’s tombstone.
Obviously that didn’t go over well with me and I haven’t spoken to them since. I even tried calling the monument company and they said it was already made and since I didn’t pay for it there was nothing I can do. I guess they sprinkled some of my dads ashes on the plot (he got cremated, not sure if that’s even legal in this state because they’re touchy on things like that), and at some pointif I want the urn I’m going to have to talk to them.
I used to “boy mode” when I went over there and talk in a deeper voice when I addressed them but I don’t even look male, I HATED doing it (I’d feel fucked up for an entire week afterwards) and won’t do it anymore. I don’t care about getting into their will, I feel my dignity is more important to me and can’t be bought.
They call sometimes and I let it go to voicemail. A part of me feels cowardly for not just calling and being assertive with them but so much of me hates being seen and addressed as someone I’m not that my anxiety starts spiraling and I feel unable to go through with it. I do miss them, I just wish they could see me for who I really am. I do love and miss them, I just feel like they don’t love me as a person, just the idea of me as a grandson.
I can see the irony in having my deadname on a tombstone. If I could pull it off I’d figure out a way for someone to chisel in the death date as the day I got my name change. However, unless I inherit that plot, which they own and I’m not getting (more irony), I guess 100 years from now it will still show deadname as alive. Ugh.
That’s it. Be kind…

So i am an “old nurse” compared to many of you. I’ve been a nurse (LPN) for 34 years. I was born to be a nurse and knew it was what I wanted since i was about 4 years old! I started as a CNA while in high school. So I’ve been around and seen a lot. I was born & raised in upstate New York and worked at the same hospital for 26 years. I then moved to Portland, OR about 7 years ago, after a wonderful year of travel nursing. I worked in home health for 5 years and loved it, but Covid burned me out bad :( Presently I’m working in hospice which i love. I have year’s experience in hospice from NY and knew what I was getting into. ( I thought). I’m a hospice liaison in the hospital, explaining the process and getting people home. I also work in the field sometimes. Side note to my story : I volunteer with a group in downtown Portland which is all about helping homeless folks. I love it and many of these people are homeless because of circumstances, not drugs. Many mental health issues as well. Back to my job. I get a referral for a gentleman who has accepted hospice due to heart failure. He has a ICD and a pacemaker. I go meet him and we get to talking and he’s a really sweet guy in his 70’s. He does not do drugs or drink but because of a history of strokes & heart attacks, he’s made some bad financial decisions and lost his apartment. He’s been living in his truck for five years ! I go back to my office and start reading through his chart. I come across a sentence written by his MD. It read as follows: “Due to the patient’s socioeconomic status he does not qualify for further cardiac treatment, and therefore will be referred to hospice “ My jaw hit the floor. And then i read the plan. MD and SW plan was to deactivate the ICD and send him to a cheap motel. Alone. To die alone. This was on a weekend and I went back to his room and we had a long talk. I asked if this was his choice and he said “no, i don’t think im ready to die”. I told him the next time the doctor asked to deactivate his ICD to say no thanks. The doctor continued to ask daily but the patient now said no. Monday AM i called my supervisor who is amazing and told her the story. She was as upset as i was and got involved. The hospital has beds in ALF that they pay for if the patient has little funds and no place to go. This is where he went ( about 4 months ago) where he thrives, making friends, painting, eating and sleeping in a bed ! He’s pretty happy. I wrote a letter to the president of the company and he wrote back about good job advocating for the patient 🙄 I went to Ethics and we talked for an hour. She seemed to care(?). This continues to happen. Everyone else who is admitted to hospice goes home with family, or to a foster home or ALF. They are allowed to die with dignity. Yet all homeless folks are sent to cheap motels, alone. They are not treated as human beings, but tossed aside. I know it continues because I have seen patients in these places, both in home health and hospice. My heart breaks. Is this happening everywhere? I’m thinking of leaving this very heartless hospital system who has other moral issues as well. When i became a nurse it was all about the patients. Now its all about money.

This is largely a thank you post to the HGG community, and Dr. K. in particular. You all literally saved my life. I will always be indebted to you.
A few years ago, I was contemplating suicide. I was a 26 y/o virgin with only minimal dating experience. I grew up in a religious cult, started by my father, and while deep down I didn't believe it, it took me until I was 26 to accept it emotionally and begin healing from that process. I was broke, just fired from grad school, and desperate to continue in school because I believed, at that time, that my worth was only as good as my intelligence and career success. But because I had given up on my religious background, I had no friends, no allies, no safe place to express my feelings. Every day, I would apply to new labs at my university, continue teaching in a subject I didn't care about, then come home, drink alcohol, and practice playing Russian Roulette with a revolver my father gave me for my 18th birthday.
A couple of weeks after doing this, my best friend from college called to tell me that his father had killed himself. I'll spare the details, but it was unexpected and gruesome. At the funeral, my friend's mother was telling me about his father. That he had been sexually abused as a child, that he felt immense guilt for his career success, and that he never thought he deserved the love of his two highly successful children or his wife. He was 55 when he killed himself.
I spent a week with my friend at his house. I slept on the couch, and helped with cleaning, cooking, helping with anything I could. Never once did anyone cry. It was dead quiet, except for the comedies the family watched together. I secretly cried in the bathroom when I took showers, as it felt like the only place I could feel my sadness without disrupting the family's "peace".
I returned home, shaken to my core. If my friend's father could be 55, with a loving family and highly successful career, and still feel the need to kill himself, then how would I ever survive? How would I ever be happy? I was due to go back to school, but I didn't want to go. I was too overwhelmed and helpless. Where once I had held a cultist religious belief to keep my going, now my source of hope was gone. I got out the revolver again, this time loaded it, and then started crying.
I don't know what moved me to do this, but I called an acquaintance of mine who I knew was interested in collecting guns. I told him I had a gun I didn't need, and wanted to see if he was interested in buying it from me. He came over that evening, and I showed him my father's revolver. I sold it to him for $5. He knew what I was doing, and to this day he still checks in on me every once in a while.
The next day, I went to my school's mental health provider, and got a recommendation for a psychologist.
Growing up, my identity was shaped by my father, through emotional and sexual abuse, to think that I was a chosen one, born to save the world through my intelligence. My father is highly intelligent, and narcissistic. As his first child, he expected me to be everything he was, but better. He grew up in a trailer park in rural Texas, where he was surrounded by sexual abuse, violence, and drug addiction. He and his 4 siblings were highly motivated, and all of them worked hard in school to get scholarships and go to college. My father worked himself silly, got 2 master's degrees, and found a prestigious engineering job in the national security sector. The sector he worked in exacerbated the paranoia he had from growing up in an abusive environment, and simultaneously gave him a superiority complex.
He was actually a decent father for the first few years of my life. My parents fought often, but he did his best to take care of me as best he knew how. He was work-obsessed, and his religion that protected him from the abuses of his upbringing made him extremely misogynistic. So, while he wasn't the most pleasant to be around, he wasn't the worst.
That all changed when I was about 4 or 5. In the span of a year, my mom became accidentally pregnant with my little brother, and my father's father died. The drive to Texas for the funeral was the beginning of a youth full of sexual and emotional abuse. My father nearly killed us all in the car with his road rage. I was so scared I soiled myself. We pulled over at a gas station to clean me up, he beat me and told me how much he hated me, and how selfish I was for not holding it in. When we arrived at his moms house, he made me shower with him, and sexually assaulted me as punishment.
From then on, I was keenly aware of my father. In public, he would laud me, shower praise on me, and tell everyone how proud he was of me. In private, he would hold me down in bed, force me to make eye contact, and repeat everything he said to him, as he told me he hated me, that I stole his opportunity for success away from him, and that I was the most selfish person he knew. He would force me to memorize bible verses, sing hymns, and pray for forgiveness for all of my many sins. As a young child, I had no idea what my sins were. He brainwashed me into thinking I was sent from God to save the world using my intelligence. Growing up, I wanted to be a musician. I was very talented, but my father was incredibly jealous of my abilities, and forced me to study math and science, because that was what he believed saved him from his abusive childhood.
I processed all of this through psychotherapy with my psychologist, and it helped immensely. I kept applying for research jobs, and got a PhD in a highly competitive field. I made tons of friends who welcomed and supported me. But it wasn't enough, and I still felt lonely and purposeless. I was capable of doing, and getting better at feeling, but not accepting myself, and still carrying judgement for myself. I still felt as though life was passing me by, and I had no choices to make, only adversities to survive.
It was during COVID when I discovered Dr. K and HGG. I was in Texas at the time, and had just survived the big freeze, where I had a week with no water or power. I was looking for jobs, not feeling like anything I did mattered, and that my relationships were hollow. Dr K's lectures helped me to accept my past, to allow myself to be patient, and to process the insane amounts of trauma I had survived. Every interview was helpful, and allowed me to grow my compassion for myself. I began meditating and coaching around the same time, and my psychologist began a group. Through all of that, I had an experience which allowed me to be enlightened, and that experience has made me incredibly grateful for my past, and has even allowed me to forgive my father. And while I say I forgive him, he will never be a part of my life again. The forgiveness is for me, understanding how he became how he is, and forgiving myself for my late start. I didn't put any effort into forgiving him. I just realized it happened, and it took me a long time to accept that.
I'm writing this today from a place of incredible gratitude. Since all of this, I discovered that I was using porn to cope with the memories of abuse, and the insanely high expectations I held for myself. I have been working on that addiction. I have had 2 long term girlfriends, and a healthy sex life, and sex communication with them. I've lost over 60 pounds through cycling and weight lifting. I eat healthier and feel great. Though I still resent my career, I have learned (better) how to detach from it. In two years I went from being un-hirable, to being a professor. My boss and I are starting a company. I am single now, but I have begun to overcome my social anxiety for being so far behind in life, and am starting to date again, knowing that I am enough even with my intense doubts. Despite intense social anxiety, last night, I made a new friend at a bar, because he liked my bike. We went on a bike ride this morning with his wife, and it was very nice. I have learned guitar, and I sing in a community choir, and try to make music as much as I can.
I am still not happy. I know nothing I do or experience, nor any person can fill the gaping hole in my heart. But the change now, is that I allow myself to feel my discomfort and unhappiness. The tears, dry-heaves, and flashbacks have all made room in my life for happiness and gratitude. That is something I never thought I would ever feel. And eventhough my social circle isn't as big as I'd like, and my friends aren't as close as I'd like, and eventhough I'm single for the moment, I know I am enough. I know I have survived hardships, and that I can do incredible things. I know I don't have to do incredible things to be deserving of love. And when I do die, it will be because of something out of my control, and I will not be to blame for it.
If you are struggling, please reach out for help. Talk about your feelings. Feel your feelings. Especially the ones that make you feel the most helpless. Your feelings cannot harm you. They are there for you as a way to protect you. If you do not feel safe with your emotions, it means you have been trained that sharing your emotions isn't safe. I encourage you to find a safe person or place to share your feelings with, and to treat yourself with the same amount of respect and dignity you would give anyone else. And for those of you who have also found this same peace and acceptance, understand that you cannot force it upon anyone else. Many times, people have tried to help me find this peace and acceptance I have today, but I had to find my own way there, when I was ready. If you have people in your life who struggle, please just be patient and supportive. You can't do this for someone else.
Thank you so much to this community, and to Dr. K especially. You are all incredibly kind and helpful, and I have been given so much insight into who I am, and what I am capable of, through your support and sharing of your own stories. Treat each other well, and do your best to be the person you needed when you were a child.

[cw: contains allusion to a horrible wrongdoing. But I hope readers can eschew giving me the judgement I certainly deserve, and focus on how to save my rs with her]
TL;DR I did a horrible thing in the middle of a period of a fight. And the thing is really horrible and tearing us apart. But we had an expensive trip planned to happen soon, so she says she will go on the vacation but then break things off later. Help?
I (28M) am doing a PhD in Europe and my long-distance relationship (LDR) girlfriend (29F) is working in Asia. We've been on LDR since September 2022, and it's been rough with the physical distance and especially the time zone difference. We've been together since late-2016.
We had this trip planned far in advance, for mid-June 2023 (which is this month), in which she would come to Europe and this would be our first reunion in 9 months. I was planning to even propose to her. Was totally looking forward to it.
Unfortunately, since a couple of weeks ago we'd been having long drawn debates about whether I should apply for jobs globally after the PhD, and look for the best offer (my view), whereas she believes I should just return to Asia no matter what because (1) she cannot see herself working abroad (because our home economy is indeed doing better in salary and taxes) and (2) with her staying put in our home country, she cannot stand the idea of me being overseas even longer, after the PhD.
Anyway, that's only the setting stage for our current huge problem, which only set a sour tone and didn't allow us to be close when this 'bomb' dropped on us (my fault totally, this 'bomb').
So... To preserve her dignity and mine, I won't go into details of what this 'bomb' was, but she made a shocking discovery about me and feels betrayed as it's the second time I've relapsed into this problem and there's a massive breakage of trust, understandably.
Discussing this 'bomb' issue would take an entire dedicated post, but for now it's enough to know I F-ed up and have her finding it difficult for her to see us to staying together.
Now, there are some anchor points kinda forcing her to still talk to me somewhat. (1) We already purchased a home together back home, and it's a sunk cost and we'll have to pay mortgage soon, and forfeiting this home is a big issue and not straightforward and we will be penalized. So she's unsure of how to progress as she thinks she doesn't want to live with me or have a future with me anymore. And even requested that I turn over my stake to the home to her so she can appoint a new partner in the future to share the home. (2) she already bought those expensive flight tickets, hotel bookings, etc. for our mid-June Europe trip. So, she's unsure of whether to come. But even if she does, she's thinking of just doing the vacation in Europe with minimal contact with me and not sleeping in the same room, and then insisting that after the trip as she returns home we'll go our separate ways. And said that if I insisted on contacting her she'd block me.
I'm absolutely devastated about all this. I have been battling mental health issues and major work woes for the past couple weeks, also quarreled with my GF, and then now this 'bomb' discovery surfaced and broke us even further apart.
If there's any chance anyone here reading has any experience remotely similar to being in my shoes. Or hers. I would really appreciate hearing from you.
I'm dreading that she won't come visit after all. I'm also dreading that she'll come for the 2-week vacation just to make use of the sunk cost, and then dump me after she returns home like she's repeatedly been saying she'll do (because of her disappointment over my wrongdoing). That said, there are some signs of hope, like her not telling other people about this shameful wrongdoing I've done (e.g. her dad would kill me if he found out), and also her still caring enough to tell me that I should not get so caught up in our 'bomb' problem that I neglect my already strained relationship with my PhD advisors.
What could I possibly do to win her back in a winsome, sincere way that demonstrates I'm contrite and determined to not repeat the 'bomb' mistake ever again?

This call came after she refused to come to my first hosted thanksgiving. This was thanksgiving of 2021, so COVID was still a huge concern, but it would just be her, my boyfriend, and his parents & sister. Unfortunately, my boyfriend's family were hesitant to get vaccines at the time, but willing to test.
She refused to come and refused to let them test because she said it was "too much" and started to spiral. She was being mean, sending photos of injuries she had done 'falling', randomly texting me things I supposedly did years prior that hurt her.
It was all already set in stone, and I was making the whole meal, so I couldn't like, split the day or anything. (I DID go to her place later that week and have a separate thanksgiving.) But I begged and begged her over and over again to come and finally she said yes. Then the day OF Thanksgiving she says she can't drive, and I don't offer to because my hand is up a turkey, and I don't offer my boyfriend either because he hates her and he is entertaining all his family. So she doesn't come.
Now this is the infamous "anti-vax thanksgiving" where I had to do all the cooking, attempting to make her stuffing alone, and attempt to politely explain to a group why it appears I have no family. Her recollection is me abandoning HER, of course.
In the call the next month, I finally broke down and said all the things I had wanted to say to her for years. At the time she took it well. She agreed she needed help, leaned on me too much, and needed help for alcoholism.
But it's been two years of paying for that call. She cancelled on christmas, cancelled easter, and refused thanksgiving and christmas again. Refused to see me over and over yet piling on complaints about me as to why she can't abide my presence, citing misquotations from that call.
Now she's saying she has a notebook from this call and is a "very good ethnographer" so she took supposedly perfect notes of what exactly I said. And wouldn't you know it -- her "quotes" are vicious awful things I swear I didn't say. I certainly said something to the effect of "You often prioritize your needs over being my mother."
But that has morphed into me saying "You operate in clear disregard that I need a mother." And our discussion of how her drinking worsens everything is now me telling her all her health problems are her fault for drinking and smoking.
I'm just....I'm exhausted. I went no contact for a month or so and I felt so heartbroken and lonely. I've apologized for some things....but the rest are true! Even said in meaner terms, they aren't wrong. I just hate this game of her insisting she "caught" me with these indelible quotations and me refuting them is me gaslighting. I hate her having me in a bind because I think I quite literally care more about having my mother in my life than having any dignity or being 'right.'
It's unfair because she isn't budging --- she doesn't really care when I say sorry and I hate this and beg for her to be an emotional support to me -- she just takes more and more, forever and ever.

Garhauf watched the people below with a quiet pensiveness. The verticality of the Central Sector of the Hedron never bothered him, not only was there gravitic shielding that prevented people from falling to their deaths- making it more like falling off a half-story and landing hard on the ground- but the railings were designed to prevent people from just climbing over and leaping down.
There being a fine on top of that didn't hurt matters either.
He took a drag from the pipe in his hands, a small gift from the Humans after the war, a way for them to say thank you, even though he was the enemy. He didn't inhale, not fully, drawing the smoke into his mouth, holding it for a moment, and releasing it in honor of his ancestors- not that the Hedron allowed the smoke to linger for long, even if it wasn't carcinogenic.
Small round drones swooped in, sucking up the smoke and filtering the air, his people were still lobbying for his culture's sacred herbs to be recognized as a non-toxic incense.
The door to the balcony opened, a Vagraxi expatriate stepped out, regarded Garhauf with a mixture of surprise and suspicion. "Why are you sitting in my spot, Caniti?" He demanded.
"Please. I've sat on this spot longer than you've been on this station." Garhauf remarked. "I was stationed here during the war with Humanity, I came up here to give honor to my ancestors for keeping me from getting butchered any time I fought on the frontlines."
The Vagraxi snorted and narrowed his eyes, Garhauf raised one mechanical arm and gestured toward the seat across from him. "It's a little farther, but you won't make a veteran stand up, now, would you?"
The Vagraxi sighed and sat across from him. The silence that fell wasn't tense, as many would expect. Garhauf eyed him for a few minutes, took another drag of the pipe, and let the smoke drift out of his mouth. "Your people are planning on going to war with them again."
It wasn't a question, nobody in their right mind believed the Vagraxi Empire would just sit around and allow Humanity to have a victory. The stalemate- and that is what it was, a stalemate- only ensured the Vagraxi Empire was stopped in their tracks from expanding.
"My people are the ones who recognize the Empire isn't infallible." The expatriate stated firmly. "That said, I am nonetheless still a citizen, and would be pressed into service if war broke out before I could fully immigrate."
Garhauf nodded. "Let me tell you something about my time in the war." He spoke. "I was a jailor back then, lost my arm, couldn't fight anymore, survived through sheer piss and spite. A warrior like me couldn't fight anymore, so they stuck me with watching over Humans." He fixed his eyes on the expatriate. "Humans, as long as you treat them with dignity, will not fuck you over."
"Please, we both know the Humans freely ignore their own laws of war when it suits them." The expatriate scoffed.
"Only half-true. They adhere very rigorously to their laws, they only ignore them when they're broken by the enemy." Garhauf took another drag from the pipe and let the smoke loose into the air. "I was the one who fed the Humans. kept them apprised of the war situation. I was trying to break their spirits, show them by how much we were winning, how we'd break their advance, how we held the line long enough to achieve our missions."
He nodded, tapping the pipe empty. "I was up here when they broke free. They broke containment, got their hands on our weapons, only shot the combatants. When they came up here, they didn't even aim a gun at me, said since I was the one who kept them in good health, I was free to leave."
"They didn't hate you." The expatriate remarked.
"I told them the only way I was getting off this station was as a corpse, and if they tried to push it, I'd tear their throats out. There was no way I would dishonor my ancestors by simply handing the Hedron over."
"What happened next?"
Garhauf chuckled. "They weren't interested in the Hedron as a weapon, they just wanted it out of the picture. Occupy it long enough to demoralize my people, so they cut me a deal. The Captain was in the bridge, holed up in there, ran in with his tail between his legs. Absolutely shameful behavior. They told me, if I killed him, I'd guarantee the survival of every soldier on the Hedron, constrained to their living areas, certainly, but not cramped in the prison."
"What did you do?"
Garhauf chuckled. "I refused. Said I wasn't going to do it unless the whole crew agreed to it. Bear in mind, they liked me, that gave me a lot of negotiating power. I knew I couldn't make them leave, I knew they weren't going to kill me unless it was necessary. So they did the next best thing."
He set the pipe on the table, leaned forward, and laced his fingers together. "They brought me to the brig and had me ask them."
"Surely your comrades said no." The expatriate remarked, shocked. "In what universe would that ever pan out?"
Garhauf laughed, it was the first, solid bellowing laugh he'd given. "This one, cub." He answered. "The Humans had already learned we'll turn our backs on a coward, and our captain had betrayed us all when he hid. We all knew we were well and truly flat-against-the-wall fucked. Absolutely rutted. So the decision was pretty easy, we couldn't take the Hedron back, but we could at least keep the firing codes out of Human hands for a while."
Garhauf sighed, shook his head, and cast his gaze down at the ground floor. "It was easy." He said. "The Humans let one technician out, he disabled the gravitic shielding, and I marched right up to the bridge alone, not a Human in sight. When the captain saw I was alone, he let me in, I told him how the Humans allowed weakness in their hearts and let me stay free because I did my duty and fed them. I told him, when I engaged with the Humans, to jump and make his escape."
"So he jumped." The expatriate spoke softly.
"So he jumped. He was quiet about it for the first few feet, when he realized he wasn't slowing down, he howled in fear, and then with a splat, he went silent. The fall killed him instantly, managed to twist himself around in the air, looking for a handhold, such that he landed on his head."
"What happened after that?"
Garhauf stretched and rolled his shoulders. "We were confined to the living quarters, I was the only one allowed in or out, so I was the one who carried requests to and from. Most of the stuff I was able to get, I was even able to negotiate trips to the training room, under armed escort, of course, just so we wouldn't go feral from boredom. By the end of the war, we didn't really care who the others were, since we treated each other with respect, we sort of became friends. Only two people died that entire time."
"Two?"
Garhauf nodded. "It's funny, the other jailor had a weak heart, he was in the middle of feeding the Humans when it finally gave out on him. The Humans managed to get the keys off of him, secured their arms, and took over the entire Hedron. Now, we all live here like one big happy family."
He stood up, picking up the pipe. "And this? A gift from those Human soldiers. Read the engraving."
The expatriate took hold of the pipe and read the words aloud. "To Garrauf-"
"Garhauf." He was corrected.
"To Garhauf, 10/10 would get jailed again." The expatriate looked up, confused.
"It's a Human joke." Garhauf remarked, taking the pipe back. "I met my mate back then, sometimes he lets me cuff him to the bed, as a treat." He pocketed the pipe "So, take my advice. If your captain is holding Humans in your ship's brig, and you want to survive when they inevitably get out? Make sure you're on feeding duty, and treat them with dignity." With that, he walked off, leaving a thoroughly confused Vagraxi alone to ruminate on his story...

I feel a little bad posting this, as I'm sure this is something that is stressing a lot of people out, and it is totally valid to be concerned or worried about, as is any major change. Such is human nature. I'm also unsure if I'm just being too reactive to what I've seen here, so I do apologise if it comes off as a bit blunt.
Also, I do apologise if I'm causing people any distress, as I realise this is a sensitive issue, that is not my intention.
Here are some thoughts, some are questions regarding views I've seen expressed frequently, some are points I've not seen raised at all. Perhaps they are a bit one-sided and devil's advocate-ish, but I'm curious to find out more what people really think.

1. Fairer allocation of doctors across the country - concentrating highest ranking graduates in a limited number of places, and leaving others with the lowest ranking doctors is going to create or entrench already existing health inequalities across the country. Doctors, who ultimately run the profession, have a duty to ensure justice in healthcare, including making sure that everyone in the country has access to as good healthcare, appropriate to their needs, as anyone else. So, a ranking based-system is not appropriate. As I understand, this was the purpose of the SJT in the first place. Of course, we could randomise completely across the country, but that would be excessive - all that is required is that allocation is not based on performance, so we can use things like geographical preference instead, regarding location of partners. And for those who want a specific location as a career-progressing thing, isn't that what the specialist/academic foundation programme is for?
2. Choice of deaneries - lots of people are saying that lots of deaneries will now be extra oversubscribed. What is the evidence for this? Who are these people who want to go there, and to what hospitals? For me, London seems like a terrible place to go for F1/F2 unless you have partner or family or some other ties. It's expensive, so you have less disposable income. If it's about tertiary and specialist centres, I have repeatedly been told that in such places, as a foundation doctor, you do less actual medicine, and more admin for the specialists who really look after patients: if you want to see cool things a tertiary centre is great, but if you want to do things go to a good simple DGH. This is what I'd like. Furthermore, if you are driven by career and want to perform highly, that comes from inside, and if you are driven by the right things, you will succeed regardless of where you go, let alone regardless of where you go specifically for F1/F2. If you are seeking mentors or contacts, in the day of the internet, you can do that in other ways.
3. Sense of control - see above point 1 about allocation, and the SJT. It is as unethical to continue a process that gives an impression of control as it is to give a patient a placebo pill. At the end of the day, the point of selection is to select good doctors. Good doctors are not those who've narrowed down their efforts into getting a good EPM score, or a good score on an MCQ. It's those with a growth mindset, who are driven to get better at what they do, because they believe what they do is worth doing. These are the real MVPs, and I suspect many of these are in favour of the new changes, because they see that no score on any MCQ or EPM or anything of the sort is ever going to be a good measure of themselves or anyone. Regardless of where they go, they'll be able to build a solid portfolio or whatever and achieve what they want. They are also going to be people who want to support others to do the same, seeing them as an asset rather than a threat. They will be the ones who would help a fellow applicant for the same job, and there are concerns that things like EPM incentivise a different approach, or at least fail to nurture the cooperative one. (Sorry, I feel a bit harsh with this one, I'm sure you guys all strive for the best).
4. Loss of incentive - see the above. What medical student doesn't want to do well in exams? At the end of the day, medical school is hard hard work, and anyone who has passed it at all should be treated with dignity and respect. Growth is what counts, especially at our level, where we have no solid experience in patient care as doctors and most don't believe grades, whether MCQs or EPM, predict how good a doctor you'll be anyway. So, why deceive ourselves that way? Why not recognise that F1/F2 is the really time that we may start to differentiate our actual performance, and let everyone have a fair shot at it? Why use a meaningless score, that does not reflect our ability to become good doctors, when we could let people choose based on things that really matter to them and respect those choices? Surely that would lead to better, healthier, happier more motivated doctors in the long run?

Again, sorry if this is a bit harsh, I don't mean to put down anyone, and I have immense respect for anyone who has made it through or is still working hard at medical school. I don't wish to distress or invalidate anyone who has been negatively affected or even feels anxious about it, that's all fair enough. I'm just wanting to find out more what people think, and I've not seen much talk of this sort, so thought I'd put forward my alternative view. I don't think what I've said is at all complete and there are surely things worthy of criticism, but hopefully some people can relate.