Canoe emoji cut paste
Lost all my money
2023.06.03 23:34 United_Trip4233 Lost all my money
Hey guys just an honest vent about how keep losing all my money on gambling. Not comfortable to open up about it with anyone so Reddit anonymously would be my best option in order to satisfy the urge of expressing my situation.
I’m 20 and am a student. My family supports me and I do not work at all. Every time they send me money I blow it on online gambling. The amount they give isn’t much and due to the fact I’ve won 20k one time (which I ended up losing) I keep going all in with the money I have in hopes to win something close to that number. It’s a non stop cycle for the past 6 months which obliges me to cut down on food, sport socializing and completely distracts me from work related ideas I have. It’s not even about the money at this point but about the excitement of gambling with more than I can afford. I know it’s super degenerate but I’ve watched enough gambling related content online to become brainwashed and addicted. It’s comparable to being possessed and I am finding a way to get rid of the devil having full control of what I do. My control over my actions is close to none and I want to gain it back but seems like I’m used to the suffering and lost all motivation to do so. Have nobody around me to support me since I feel embarrassed opening up about it due to fear of judgement. At this point I feel like only a miracle can bring me back on the right path and cure me of these self destructive thoughts which constantly attack me.
Thank you for reading and all feedback is appreciated.
submitted by United_Trip4233
to problemgambling [link] [comments]
2023.06.03 23:25 EdLogan Rediscovering Songs
Over the last weeks, I have been diving once again in the discography of The National. This time I really decided to take my time and listen to every song on repeat, taking in the lyrics and looking up comments the band made about the songs. Result: I love this band more than ever, have a playlist of over 100 tracks that I really love and discovered some great songs that somehow remained under my radar so far or I didn't appreciate as much as I do now. I wanted to share with you some songs here that I feel deserve the spotlight and should be more part of the conversation, hoping you might enjoy them too if you didn't already. I started writing down my thoughts and decided to keep it to some songs from their first album as this was taking me more time than I thought. Maybe I'll make another post with more songs that I rediscovered if this can start some discussion.
The National (2021)
I love this album and have several songs still on repeat. There is such a raw sound to this record that remains recognizable as The National, even though they have obviously evolved quite a bit.
- The Perfect Song: Matt reminiscing in his own Matt way about a past relationship that clearly didn’t end well. I love the lyricism and even though it's one of their earliest works, you already see a lot of themes present that will come back even in FTPOF. "I tried to look at you but I couldn't break the ice" - classic Matt struggling to find the right words, a theme coming back in more recent Tropic Morning News for example. I also love the line "Sometimes I can feel your weight when I close my eyes. Seven times I was under you", maybe it's just me, but that cracks me up. Another line I love, that has The National all over it: "Shallow frame and shaky sticks but I know there's a river in me", this is also the best part of the song.
- Bitters & Absolut: Matt's singing is deliciously nonchalant and laid-back here, plus the hook is super catchy. The title already hints at it, but one of the more notorious themes of The National comes forward here, alcohol: "I'd do better than you ever will - When I am on Bitters and Absolut". "Your bottom lip is bleeding, I cut it on your collarbone" is also a line I feel you can only find back in a Matt Berninger lyric. This is the perfect song to play as you lay back in the comfort of your own home, enjoy an afternoon vodka cocktail accompanied by pure nothingness.
- American Mary: Not sure if this can be considered as underrated or unknown, especially since it's the name of their official website. For a long time, this one was the only song I listened to from the self-titled album. The other very well-known National theme, being 'water', also subtly makes its way in this song "It takes a lot of little rain to make you feel like nothing". The song is, again, so catchy, Matt is a wizard when it comes to finding the right melody.
- Theory of the Crows: In the earlier days of the band, Matt focused way more on the unfairness and pointlessness of the corporate world. And so he does here in the Theory of the Crows. Also something that’s typical for the early National songs, is the explicitness. Just listen to this: "I'll suck off investors, I'll suck off VCs. I'm losing my posture from time on my knees". And I must say, I love this version of Matt. He gets even more unhinged in the following album. I'm so happy we can still experience this part of The National.
- 29 Years: This is very much an outlier in terms of style and tone. There's something very dark, deterministic in Matt's voice, giving the vibe of a drunk guy who just picked up the mic at the end of the wedding of his ex. And I think that's also exactly what they went for. To all National fans, '29 years' will of course ring a bell. And indeed, they actually reused some of the lyrics to make one of the best songs ever recorded 6 years later.
There's other good songs like Watching You Well, Cold Girl Fever, Beautiful Head,.. But these five jump out for me.
Would love to hear your thoughts on your favourite songs from their debut album too so I can give them another try with your point of view!
submitted by EdLogan
to TheNational [link] [comments]
2023.06.03 23:25 Riambro3 Does somebody knows how to fix this problem ( solidworks files)?
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I am trying to change the file name to .SLDASM submitted by Riambro3 to SolidWorks [link] [comments]
Beccasse it changed for some reason but i got this message
Does somebody know what to do?
2023.06.03 23:23 not-cool-bro is it bad to lose 15 pounds in a month
im a man 5’8 i was 190 so pretty healthy weight. but i ate a lot of sugar. i have been cutting it back a little and i’ve been losing a couple pounds a week. i also have stopped taking 2 antidepressants, which may have contributed to my weight gain (i was around 155 a year ago). rn in the past 30 days i have lost 14 pounds. i think my body looks a lot better and my muscle shows more but everyone tells me that is a lot to lose that fast. is it bad? or is it okay?
submitted by not-cool-bro
to WeightLossAdvice [link] [comments]
2023.06.03 23:19 wolfpack_charlie Traditionally hand drawn tilesets and 2D game art
I'm wanting to make a 2D game using my own hand-drawn, non-digital art assets, and I was wondering if anyone here has tried that and has some sage advice.
I don't know of many games that have done this, so it's hard to look at examples and think of how I'd go about it. My current thought process right now is to sketch everything digitally, so I can make sure that all of my animations look good in the engine, then trace/print out the art, ink it, and scan it back in.
I know that sounds weird, but for this game project, having the line art be traditionally drawn is important to me. I think that tracing a tileset and inking over that should work, if the tiles are spread out to allow a small margin, so the lines aren't cut off artificially. And I think for textures, I should be okay to draw patches of it, then digitally I can copy/paste pieces of it around to still look natural.
If anyone here has done something similar before, I'd love to hear any tips!
submitted by wolfpack_charlie
to gamedev [link] [comments]
2023.06.03 23:16 WestwardNorthWindow [Ice Hockey] The Apocalypse, or: The 2023 NHL Draft Lottery
This is an ongoing drama, one that won't stop until probably next year or even longer. But before I get into the details of the drama, let's talk about the background, and the important information to know...
TW: Sexual assault discussion mentioned about halfway.
Hockey? NHL? What the fuck are those?
Ice hockey is a sport where 6 very large, burly men put swords on their feet and glide around on ice against 6 other very large, burly men who also have sword-shoes. They carry a stick to whack around a hard little circle of rubber and each other (most often each other) with the goal of hitting that little rubber past another large burly man into a 6'x4' net. A game takes place over 3 periods of 20 minutes each, and whoever hits the rubber circle most often in the opponent's Warhammer gaming table sized net is the winner of the game. There are 82 games during the 'regular season', and then they compete in the 'playoffs' for the Stanley Cup, which is worth at least $5.
The National Hockey League, or the Ligue Nationale de Hockey if you hate everyone else in North America, is effectively the world's highest level of ice hockey. People all over the world spend their entire youth lives training to have a shot at being drafted by an NHL team, from Belarus to England, from Canada to Australia. There are other leagues in the world, but they are more or less for people who are shunned in the NHL for whatever reason, people who have retired from the NHL but still play hockey for whatever reason (Jaromir Jagr, I'm looking at you), or people who aren't good enough to play in the NHL but still good enough to be paid to play.
There are 32 teams in the NHL at the moment, but the most important teams for this story are:
1) Chicago Blackhawks: I'm going to go over the Blackhawks later in this post. It's...a lot.
2) Anaheim Ducks: A team that was originally owned by Disney based on the movie The Mighty Ducks. No, I'm not joking. They were founded in 1993 and have had some close calls with the Stanley Cup, and won one in 2007. They finished the 22-23 season with the worst record possible, and one of the worst records in NHL history.
3) Columbus Blue Jackets: They're young, having only existed since 2000. They've never been in the Stanley Cup finals, and have never really had a good season during their existence. They finished second to last.
4) Seattle Kraken: They're the newest team, being founded in 2021. They're actually not relevant at all to this post; they're my team and therefore am obligated to mention them.
Okay, so sword-feet and stick hitting rubber circle. What is this about 'draft'?
In order to make it to the NHL, you have to be drafted by an NHL team. Being drafted is similar to how people used to pick each other for teams during recess. You know, where you kept getting picked last. Except if you get drafted, you get a contract worth potentially millions of dollars.
The draft takes place over a series of rounds, where each team picks one person each (unless they traded their draft pick, but this isn't relevant). In the first round, the teams with the worst record draft first, all the way up to the team that won the Stanley Cup. Then in the second round, it counts down from Stanley Cup winner down to the worst, third round is from worst to best again, and so on until the draft is completed (Usually 7 rounds).
HOWEVER, there is a twist...
So in order to prevent teams from 'tanking', aka losing on purpose in order to get the best draft pick, the league came up with the Draft Lottery. After the season has ended, every team that didn't make the playoffs participates in the lottery. Whoever wins the lottery will jump up 10 spots in the draft. Teams who were worse during the season get higher odds. This year, the team with the best odds are the Anaheim Ducks, at 18.5% chance of winning, since they sucked hard and it wasn't even on purpose.
Okay, enough. Why is the 2023 draft important?
This year is one of the most important drafts in recent NHL history. The current highest-rated prospect is Connor Bedard. Bedard is...good. Like, really
good. Like, really
good. Top NHL players are saying that Bedard already has the best shot release in hockey right now at least...and he's only like 17 years old. I won't go into it much further, but Connor Bedard is the type of player that can lead teams to the Stanley Cup by just being on the team. People are comparing him to Wayne Gretzky; if you need context for who that is, he's considered one of the best sports-people of all time out of all sports.
Side Show -- The Chicago Blackhawks, and Why Everyone Hates Them
The Blackhawks, which I'm going to call the Hawks, are an old team. They've been around since the 40s as one of the 'original six', teams that have been around since the modern NHL was a thing (well, not really, but it's not relevant). Yes, the NHL only had 6 teams until the 1960s, which is when they finally expanded into more markets, which then snowballed into what we have now (32 teams).
The Hawks have had...a rough recent history. They effectively had a dynasty for most of the 2010s, winning the Stanley Cup 3 times, and a lot of it had to do with their talent. Before the 2010s, the Hawks sucked. That is, until they drafted amazing players like Jonathan Toews (pronounced "taves", not "toes") and Patrick Kane, who helped boost them to the Stanley Cup in the 10's (They have since retired. This is important context.) These picks were already controversial; people like to claim that the NHL favors original six teams because they're massive markets, which means more butts-in-seats, which means more money. So the Blackhawks getting so many first round, top-3 picks was...suspicious to most.
But all of this is overshadowed by the sexual assault and subsequent cover up.
During the 2010 season, one of their cup-winning seasons, a player named Kyle Beach, was sexually assaulted by a member of the coaching staff. He brought it forward to the organization who did their best to make sure that the coaching staff was safe and sound. Kyle Beach never broke into the NHL aside from the 2010 season -- take that information for what it is. In 2021, Kyle Beach sued the Blackhawks for their mishandling. An independent investigation found that the Blackhawks knew about the sexual assault, and did nothing to the perpetrator. The perpetrator went on to commit more acts of sexual assault against young players.
The punishment that the Blackhawks faced? Nothing major. They were fined $2 million. Which...is basically nothing, considering they made $222 million that year. So, like...1%.
This punishment was a slap in the face to teams like the Arizona Coyotes, who lost draft picks (which means losing players that could turn their organization around) because of a much, MUCH less severe violation (In their case, the Coyotes were performing physicals on potential draftees before they were drafted, which is a violation of the NHL constitution). Other teams have lost players because of similar circumstances -- the first one that comes to mind is the Boston Bruins, who dropped a (potential) top player because it came to light he had hazed, abused, and hurled racial slurs at a black autistic player in the junior leagues.
Needless to say, this further fueled conspiracies that the Blackhawks were getting special treatment because of their status as an original six team, and how big the Chicago market is.
From the /hockey
Didn't the NHL originally fine the Devils $3 million for the Kovalchuk stuff a decade ago? What a joke. [Context: Kovalchuk was a high-level player, and the Devils tried to do some sneaky-shady stuff in order to keep him.]
Coyotes lost high picks for getting extra physical data, Devils got fined $3m and two picks for cap circumvention, and we got fined $250k for calling out George Parros for being the joke he is. And all the Blackhawks get for covering up rape is a $2m fine?? What a fucking joke [Context: This is a Rangers fan, and the Rangers called out George Parros, leader of the Department of Player Safety, for doing nothing about player safety. They were fined $250k for making mean comments.]
It doesn't really help that Chicago fans have a poor reputation. In the NHL, Chicago fans have a reputation for being drunk fair-weather fans. Before 2010 Chicago had a rough time filling up their arena to half-way. During the 2010s? Sellout arena, every game. Going into the 2020s, when their team started sucking again, they're back to struggling filling seats.
So the hockey fandom in general doesn't really like Chicago, but how does this all tie into the 2023 Draft?
The Lottery (for real this time)
As mentioned before, the 2023 season was potentially a huge season for struggling teams like the Columbus Blue Jackets or the Anaheim Ducks. Getting Connor Bedard would turn around entire franchises, overnight.
Going into the draft, the heavy favorites to win the lottery were the Ducks at 18.5%, the Blue Jackets at 13.5%, and the Chicago Blackhawks at 11.5%. The other 13 teams had basically less than 10% odds.
The draft lottery was televised, and millions of people watched ESPN and TSN to see the results from all over the league. Top teams in the west were praying that the lottery winner would go to the Blue Jackets so they wouldn't have to face Bedard, and top teams in the east were praying the lottery pick would go to the west for the same reason. Everyone universally had the same sentiment though:
Anyone but Chicago.
The hosts go down the line to show the new draft lineup, starting from 16 and going down. Nothing seemed to change in the lineup; teams hoping for ajump up were sadly disappointed but knew they never really had a chance anyways.
The hosts get to the top 5. The reveal the 5th pick is...Montreal. Montreal fans speak French-Canadian sadly, or whatever it is Quebecois folk do.
The fourth pick is revealed. The San Jose Sharks. Sharks fans chomp sadly. Or drink their Starbucks sadly. Idk, I'm not rich enough to live in San Jose.
Then something curious happens. They cut to a commercial break, but the ESPN broadcasters say something very curious. "An upset for Columbus! It's down to Anaheim or Chicago!" Suspicion arises. The card for 3rd place wasn't revealed, how could they have known that Columbus was the 3rd pick? Conspiracy talk bumps up in the live Reddit thread. People were already saying that Chicago won the lottery. They just knew
Nice of ESPN to state Columbus will pick 3rd before Daley ever even showed it and they went to commercials “It will be either Chicago or Anaheim”….
Elliotte Friedman tweeted out who got pick 1 and 2 during the commercial break. Said tweets have now been deleted.
The NHL lottery comes back on after commercials and reveal that CBJ wins the 3rd pick to no one's surprise. All that's left is two envelopes, one with a '2' the other with a '1'. They begin to open the '2' envelope. The hockey world goes silent, as whoever gets the 2 spot means that the other won the lottery...
The Worst Timeline
The worst-case-scenario happens. Chicago, universally hated in the hockey world, wins the draft lottery. Duck fans are outraged. Blue Jacket fans are outraged. Literally every fanbase is outraged.
why has god abandoned us
If you didn't think Chicago was getting Bedard here is your lesson of how fucked up the world is
Can't lose that media market now that Kane and Toews are gone!
Never forget that the Coyotes had to forfeit a first round pick for talking to a prospect before it was permitted, while Chicago protected a fucking rapist and got no reprecussions.
Coyotes: asks prospects what they ate and to wear shorts? Forfeit draft picks Blackhawks: cover up sexual assault and lie your asses off? Have a Bedard
Draft HoF talent 1st overall -> Go on a dynasty and win 3 cups -> Trade HoF 1st overall -> Draft another HoF talent 1st overall.
He went to the least deserving team.
Individual team subreddits were no better. Every fan from every team, aside from Chicago, were seething and chomping at the bit. There is an ongoing conspiracy about the NHL favoring Chicago now, and people are actively calling for the NHL commissioner's resignation.
Living in a Post-Apocalypse Wasteland
It's been barely a month since the bomb dropped. Food is hard to come by. Hope is lost. People fight each other for the barest scraps of undamaged cloth to keep warm at night since the sun was blacked out.
We don't know what will happen. Life is moving on, but is it really life if there's no will to live?
In seriousness, no one wanted this outcome. Even some Hawks fans hated this. It's hard to say what will happen to the NHL now. Some people are saying that Connor Bedard will get drafted and refuse to play for the Blackhawks, demanding to be traded. Some say he'll disappear to Europe and play in the Swedish league or the KHL to avoid the Blackhawks contract. Others say he'll be a fool to avoid the NHL and just take what he's got, and demand a trade later.
No one knows what Connor Bedard is thinking. He's not really said anything. But we do know that the world of hockey has been shaken to its core. If Bedard plays, Chicago will be a force to be reckoned with for years. If he avoids Chicago, it'll be a legendary act of defiance that will 100% cause the NHL to invent a rule to prevent that from happen again.
But for now, I must return to my fallout shelter. It's not healthy to stand in the radiation for too long.
submitted by WestwardNorthWindow
to HobbyDrama [link] [comments]
2023.06.03 23:12 prodshebi The Unseen Hunger: Coveting my Unborn Child
My name is Laura, and this is my story. It's a tale of fear and the unknown, of love and betrayal, and of the strength of a mother's love. It all started when my husband, Adam, and I decided to start a new life in a beautiful villa by the lake in the small town of Kruklanki. The villa, standing alone amidst the vast expanse of nature, was like an island, symbolising our isolation. The lake, with its calm surface hiding unknown depths, mirrored the unknown we were about to step into.
We were a young couple, full of hope and dreams. Adam, with his easy smile and infectious laughter, was my rock. We dreamt of a peaceful life, of raising our child in the serene surroundings of the villa. We shared a love for the outdoors, often spending our evenings stargazing, our hands intertwined. The villa stood tall amidst a lush emerald forest, its weathered stones blending harmoniously with the vibrant foliage. Sunlight filtered through the dense canopy, casting ethereal patterns on the moss-covered path leading to the entrance. The air was fragrant with the scent of damp earth and wildflowers, inviting us to embark on our new life.
But even as we unpacked our belongings, I couldn't shake off a strange feeling. Adam, usually so attentive, seemed distant, his mind elsewhere. I dismissed it as stress from the move. Little did I know then, it was a sign of the betrayal that was to come. Soon after we settled in, I couldn't shake off a sense of foreboding. The villa, once a symbol of our dreams, was starting to feel like a prison, its grandeur overshadowed by a chilling silence. And the lake, once a symbol of peace, now seemed to whisper of hidden dangers beneath its serene surface.
Soon after we settled in, I began to experience strange and terrifying events. At first, they were just subtle nuances: shadows moving along the corridors, whispers in the night, vague movements nearby. I tried to dismiss them as figments of my imagination, but they became increasingly disturbing and intense, filling me with a chronic sense of fear.
Adam, my husband, was sceptical. He believed that these were just products of my imagination, the result of stress from the move and adapting to a new place. Adam, ever the rationalist, tried to reassure me. 'Laura, it's just the stress of the move and the pregnancy,' he would say, his eyes full of concern yet disbelief. 'There's no real danger.' His words, meant to comfort, only served to widen the chasm between us. But I could feel it, something was not right.
One night, I woke up to a chilling whisper. It was so close, as if someone was right next to me. I turned on the bedside lamp, but there was no one there. The room was empty, but the feeling of being watched was overwhelming. My heart pounded in my chest, my palms were sweaty, and I was shaking.
'Adam,' I whispered, nudging him awake. He groaned, turning to face me. 'Did you hear that?'
'Hear what?' he mumbled, his eyes half-closed.
'The whispering. It was right here, right next to me.'
Adam sighed, rubbing his eyes. 'Laura, you're just stressed. It's the new house, the new surroundings. You're imagining things.'
I wanted to believe him, to write it off as a product of stress and fear. But deep down, I knew something was not right.
The next day, I noticed something else. The shadows in the house seemed to move on their own, even when there was no one around. I could hear soft whispers, but when I tried to locate the source, there was nothing. I felt like I was being watched, followed. I tried to tell Adam about it, but he just brushed it off, saying I was just stressed and needed rest.
But I knew something was wrong. I could feel it in my bones. The house was not just a house. It was something else, something sinister. And I was trapped in it, with no one to believe me, no one to help me. I was alone, and I was scared.
The days turned into weeks, and the strange occurrences in the villa didn't cease. If anything, they became more frequent, more intense. I started noticing mysterious figures around the villa, always on the edge of my vision. They were close, yet always just far enough that I couldn't make out their features. Their presence filled me with a sense of paranoia and constant danger. I felt like a prey being watched by predators, waiting for the right moment to strike.
Our neighbours, Mr. and Mrs. Graverson, began to show an unusual interest in me. One afternoon, as I was tending to the garden, Mrs. Graverson approached me.
'Laura, dear,' she said, her voice sweet yet somehow unsettling. 'How are you finding Kruklanki? Is the villa to your liking?'
Her questions seemed innocent, but there was something in her gaze that made me uneasy.
Mrs. Graverson's eyes lingered on my stomach for a moment too long, a strange smile playing on her lips, something I couldn't quite define. Mr. Graverson, with his piercing gaze, and Mrs. Graverson, with her constant, unsettling smile, were always too eager to help. Their behavior was suspicious, their questions too probing. They seemed particularly interested in my pregnancy, their eyes lingering on my growing belly a moment too long. I couldn't shake off the feeling that they were hiding something.
One day, Mrs. Graverson came over with a basket of freshly baked cookies. As she handed them to me, her gaze lingered on my stomach. There was something in her eyes, a strange intensity that made me uncomfortable. I didn't know it then, but it was a hint of the dark intentions that lay beneath her friendly facade. I was pregnant at the time, and her eyes seemed to hold a strange fascination for my unborn child. It was a fleeting moment, but it sent chills down my spine.
As time passed, I began to suspect that the Graversons were part of a cult practising occultism, planning to use my unborn child in a dark ritual. It was a terrifying thought, but the pieces of the puzzle were starting to fit together. The strange occurrences, the mysterious figures, the Graversons' unusual interest in me and my child, it all pointed to something dark and sinister.
I started finding evidence of their involvement in other dangerous activities. I found strange symbols carved into the trees around their house, symbols that I later found out were associated with occult practices. I also noticed that they would often disappear during the night, only to return in the early hours of the morning, looking exhausted and secretive.
I suspected that they were responsible for the strange events and observations. The fear was overwhelming, but I knew I had to protect my child. I was alone in this fight, with no one to turn to. But I was determined. I was a mother, and I would do anything to keep my child safe.
In my desperation, I turned to the local clergyman, Father Christopher. He was a quiet man, always keeping to himself. I had often wondered why he seemed so distant, so detached from the rest of the town. Little did I know, his aloofness was a sign of the secrets he was hiding. I found him in the church, his eyes filled with a quiet serenity.
'Father Christopher,' I began, my voice trembling. 'I need your help. There's something... something wrong in the villa.'
He looked at me, his gaze thoughtful. 'Tell me everything, Laura,' he said, his voice calm and reassuring.
I went to the church, hoping to find some solace, some protection. I wanted to tell him about my experiences, ask for his support and protection. But to my surprise, Father Christopher seemed to be absent and avoided contact with me.
I tried to reach out to him several times, but each time, I was met with silence. His absence was strange, and it made me wonder if he was involved in this intrigue. The thought was terrifying, but I couldn't ignore the possibility. I felt even more disoriented and anxious when I discovered that Father Christopher might be involved in the conspiracy.
I started to suspect that he himself was a member of the cult or was being intimidated by them. This discovery made me feel even more alone and defenceless in the face of the impending threat. I was desperate and isolated, and I had to fend for myself.
I decided to seek information on my own to uncover the truth and find a way to protect myself and my unborn child. I spent countless hours researching, trying to understand what was happening. I read about occult practices, about cults and their rituals. The more I learned, the more terrified I became. But I knew I had to keep going, for the sake of my child.
One night, as I was poring over an old book about local legends and myths, I came across a passage that sent chills down my spine. It spoke of a cult that had once existed in Kruklanki, a cult that practised dark rituals involving unborn children. The description matched the Graversons' behaviour and the strange occurrences in the villa. I knew then that my suspicions were not unfounded.
I decided to confront the Graversons. I knocked on their door, my heart pounding. 'I've noticed you've been acting strangely,' I said, trying to keep my voice steady. They exchanged a glance, their smiles never reaching their eyes. 'We're just concerned for you, dear,' Mrs. Graverson replied, her voice too sweet. But their reassurances did nothing to quell my fears.
I was up against something far more dangerous than I had imagined. But I was not going to give up. I was a mother, and I would do whatever it took to protect my child.
As my due date approached, I realised that time was running out and the threat was becoming greater. I had a recurring dream, a nightmare really, of a clock ticking loudly, its hands moving faster and faster. It was a chilling reminder of the impending danger, a foreshadowing of the race against time that lay ahead. I had to act quickly to save my child and uncover the truth. My maternal instinct and determination had strengthened, giving me the power to fight against the unknown and dark enemy. Despite the exhaustion tugging at my eyelids, I poured over the ancient texts, my fingers tracing the cryptic symbols. I wouldn't rest, not until I had found a way to protect my child, and I made a decision that would change everything.
I decided to find a mysterious book that, according to legend, had the power to protect against dark forces. I began an intensive search, scouring old libraries, archives, and places connected with the history of Kruklanki. I studied ancient writings, mythologies, and ancient rituals, trying to find clues and the key to solving this dark mystery.
During my search, I uncovered a horrifying history of Kruklanki. It turned out that many years ago, similar rituals had taken place in the town, bringing a curse and evil upon its inhabitants. The town's past was steeped in blood and dark secrets. Now, the cult wanted to renew this power and use my unborn child in their dark plans.
I spent countless hours in the town's library, pouring over old books and documents. I found references to a cult that had existed in Kruklanki centuries ago, a cult that had been banished after a terrible event. The details were vague, but it was clear that the cult had been involved in dark rituals and practices.
The more I learned, the more terrified I became. But I also felt a strange sense of determination. I was not just fighting for myself anymore, I was fighting for my child. And I was not going to let anything harm my baby.
I knew that finding the book was a long shot, but it was the only hope I had. I had to believe that it existed, that it could help me. As my due date approached, the Graversons' interest in me seemed to intensify. They would drop by unannounced, their questions becoming more personal, their gazes more intrusive. I had to believe that I could protect my child, that I could find the mysterious book and put an end to this nightmare.
In a dramatic turn of events, I discovered that Adam, my husband, had been bribed by the cultists and intended to give them our unborn child. A cold numbness spread through me as I read the words, each sentence a dagger to my heart. I could barely breathe, the paper trembling in my hands and fueled my motivation to fight even more. At first, I refused to believe it, but the evidence was overwhelmingly strong.
I found a letter hidden in his drawer, a letter from the Graversons. It spoke of a ritual, of a promise of power and wealth, and of our child. I couldn't believe what I was reading. The man I loved, the man who would hold me during those terrifying nights, was planning to betray me and our unborn child. Was it the promise of power and wealth that lured him? Or was he manipulated, ensnared by the Graversons' cunning words? The betrayal cut deep, but I had no time for despair.
I confronted Adam, my heart pounding in my chest. 'Adam,' I said, holding out the letter. 'What is this?'
He looked at the letter, his face paling. 'Laura, I...'
'You were going to give our child to them, weren't you?' I demanded, my voice shaking with anger and betrayal. He fell silent, his silence confirming my worst fears.
The look in his eyes confirmed my worst fears. I felt a wave of despair wash over me, but I knew I had to stay strong for my child.
I had to face Adam and defeat the dark forces that were plaguing Kruklanki. I pushed the boundaries of my courage and strength to protect my child and prevent the cultists from performing their dark ritual. I also had to confront my own fears and doubts that accompanied me.
In the hours leading up to the confrontation, I prepared myself for the battle ahead. Father Christopher had given me a small cross, a symbol of faith and protection. Clutching it tightly, I steeled myself for what was to come. As I entered the church, the cultists turned towards me, surprise flickering in their eyes. I stepped forward, my voice echoing in the silence, 'This ends now.' Adam was among them. Our eyes met, and for a moment, I saw a flicker of the man I once knew. But it was gone as quickly as it came. He stepped forward, trying to dissuade me, but I stood my ground. 'You won't take my child,' I declared, my voice steady despite the fear coursing through me. It was a moment where the power of a mother's love and courage broke through the darkness and triumphed over it.
I stood in the church, my heart pounding in my chest, as I faced the cultists. I could see the surprise in their eyes as I confronted them, as I defied them. With Father Christopher by my side, we fought against the darkness that threatened to consume us.
In the end, love and courage prevailed. I managed to save my child, to protect him from the darkness that had threatened to take him away from me. It was the hardest thing I had ever done, but I would do it again in a heartbeat for my child.
In the aftermath of the confrontation, the town was eerily quiet. The cultists had been defeated, their dark plans thwarted. Adam was nowhere to be found, and I was left to pick up the pieces of my shattered life.
In the days that followed, the weight of the ordeal began to lift, replaced by a newfound strength within me. I made the decision to leave the villa behind, a physical representation of the darkness that had consumed my life. With each step I took away from that place, I felt a sense of liberation and determination.
I found a small house nestled in the heart of Kruklanki, a place where the warmth of the community embraced me. As I settled into my new home, I realised that my journey was not just about protecting my child, but also about finding my own strength. Through the trials I had faced, I had discovered a reservoir of resilience and courage within myself that I never knew existed.
Father Christopher, my steadfast companion, continued to provide guidance and support. We spent countless hours in conversation, sharing our experiences and searching for meaning in the darkness that had enveloped Kruklanki. Through his wisdom and unwavering faith, I learned to embrace my role as a protector and a fighter.
As time went on, I saw the transformation within me. The fear that once gripped my heart had been replaced by a fierce determination to rebuild and find joy in the simple moments. I laughed with neighbours, embraced the beauty of the lake, and reveled in the innocent smiles of my child.
In the midst of the darkness, I found my own light. The journey had not only saved my child but had also saved me. I was no longer the frightened woman who arrived in Kruklanki, but a mother fortified by love and an unyielding spirit. Together, my child and I would create a new story, one filled with hope and the resilience to face any darkness that may come our way.
Despite everything, I found hope. Hope in the kindness of Father Christopher, hope in the strength of my love for my child, hope in the possibility of a new beginning. I had faced the darkness and come out on the other side stronger and more determined.
This is my story, a story of fear and courage, of darkness and light, of despair and hope. It's a story of a mother's love, a love so strong it can conquer even the darkest of evils. And it's a story of Kruklanki, a town that faced its dark past and emerged stronger.
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2023.06.03 23:08 slurpeetape One final haul in a crazy 6 week span
| || |
I was looking a variagated walliniana the past few weeks, but everything was so expensive and most with international shipping. I did find one finally. I had to bid against myself and twist the seller's arm to ship, but they agreed to do it after I offered more money for a second hoya, nova ghost. The shipper was amazing, throwing in free cuttings of other hoyas. Not sure here, but guessing super silver mathilde, variagated lacunosa, and maybe kasterbergii? submitted by slurpeetape to hoyas [link] [comments]
Oh, I also bought 4 other hoyas today: sunrise, royal flush lacunosa, polyneura, and she said black margin parasitica, which doesn't look correct to me. Any guesses?
Over the past 6 weeks my ADD was out of control. I bought over 100 hoyas off facebook marketplace, offerup, mercari, reddit, and home depot. Many were bundle deals and most are smaller hoyas. I bought so many, that I needed to start a spreadsheet!
I've decided it's time to stop for awhile or at least limit to 2-3 per month. And it's time to focusing making my plant babies happy!
2023.06.03 23:02 No-Willingness-4679 CRAZY debut eras tour theory 🤪🦋
Okay so here is a crazy theory about the Eras Tour. So the stage is kind of shaped like a T and you know what else starts with T. Taylor Swift. But you know what else also starts with T. Tim McGraw, which is coincidentally the first song on her debut album. Also, soon into the tour, around the time when her break up with Joe occurred, she switched the song "invisible string" for the song "the 1;" Tim McGraw is the FIRST song on her FIRST album and it was part of her First set of surprise songs at the FIRST day of the Eras Tour. Right after Tim McGraw she dove into the stage. So what does this prove? That Taylor Swift, when she dove into the stage on the first night of The Eras Tour, actually went through a time travel portal and got plastic surgery in a different timeline and then time traveled again and went back in time and wrote Tim McGraw and the entirety of her debut album about her breakup with Joe & her time travel and real past self & that's why we have debut. Here's a song-by-song breakdown:
Tim McGraw: already explained. It's a breakup song and an Easter egg for the time travel.
Picture To Burn: again, breakup song. Could also tie into You're Losing Me with the line about the phoenix since phoenixes burn things. Also a 1989 Taylor's Version Easter egg because of the Polaroid album cover = picture.
TOMG: Easter egg for Midnight Rain because she talks about being sad at night and crying and tears are like rain and midnight is during the night. Drew is actually Matty Healy but the name has been changed to not inform her past self.
A Place In This World: this is a reflection on the real estate market after Joe kicked her out. it's so inflated these days and after spending all her money on the time machine and the plastic surgery so she could impersonate her younger self, she had no money for A Place In This World.
Cold As You: the parallels to You're Losing Me are strong. Both are about an ex (Joe) who didn't care enough. You're Losing Me has strong references to death and you know what happens after death? The body goes cold.
The Outside: the aftermath of Taylor getting kicked out by Joe. She's on the outside and none of her friends will let her in. Think of Dear Reader, where she talks about "pacing in her pen" because "her friends found friends who care." Her pen is actually the time machine where she is living with her cats because she can't find a home and her friends found friends who care.
TTWAS: This is about the first signs of struggle in her relationship with Joe. The person in this song is actually a metaphor for their relationship and isn't real. Their relationship is failing, and they're holding it together with smiles and fake happiness. Just like in the song "happiness" where she talks about "fake niceties."
Stay Beautiful: This is about how she wishes Joe would come back because he's so beautiful. However, the bridge (specifically "if you and I are a story that never gets told") was clearly added on by past Taylor after present Taylor returned to our time. Cory is also an addition by past Taylor.
Should've Said No: this connects to the end of the bridge of You're Losing Me, where she implores Joe to do something. He should've said no, or said anything at all. This also looks at whether Taylor was faithful or not, because of the references to cheating, which are actually not a face-value portion, but instead reference High Infidelity.
Mary's Song (Oh My My My): now we introduce the THIRD Taylor. This one is from the future of an alternate timeline where she stays with Joe. She has transcended the mortal plane and taken the form of past Taylor's elderly neighbors, telling her love story with Joe adapted to fit the elderly neighbors. But "past" Taylor is actually present time traveler Taylor and future Taylor is trying to change the timeline (to no avail, the song is too much of a deep cut). Notice the references to marriage showing this is an alternate timeline because Taylor rejects marriage in Lavender Haze.
Our Song: this is a past Taylor song that doesn't fit the narrative. Unknown why present Taylor didn't delete the demo.
IOMWIWY: This is a love song to Matty, because she's "the happiest she's been." It was reworked by past Taylor out of confusion and amnesia. However, "just a small town BOY and girl" is an artifact of the original.
Invisible: this is a You're Losing Me parallel about how Joe was invisible and Taylor wanted more attention, and about how he didn't fight.
A Perfectly Good Heart: this is about the plastic surgery, where present Taylor underwent full heart reconstruction to disguise herself as past Taylor from future Taylor.
I hope this all makes sense!
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2023.06.03 22:56 twentynineO8 Some drawings I've been doing recently on Procreate any feedback appreciated :)
2023.06.03 22:56 smolcrackheadenergy Between 1&2 💞 Album Review
To preface this review, I just need to say that this is going to be a very, long read. Going through it myself just for the fun of it takes around 30 minutes — it's almost 7k words of text, including lyrical references. So for the best experience, listen to the album beforehand to understand what the hell I was thinking when I wrote this review, play the album while reading, and set a good amount of time aside.
And yes, this is 9 months late 😭 I'm not sorry — when I find an album review online it's always around a paragraph per song or even shorter. It makes sense from a journalistic perspective, but I want to do this album justice, hence taking 7 months to write out all my thoughts.
This shit is comprehensive and definitely overanalyzed, especially in Talk that Talk
Each song review will compose of my commentary going over the song, noting the details I noticed through months of listening, then a conclusion. Also, mild swearing warning, I like implementing a touch of "French" when I'm very emotional
about something. Anyway, onto the review!
Between 1&2 💞 Album Review
TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT TELL ME WHAT YOU NEED
Talk that Talk 🎙
Lead producer: collapsedone
One of the most perfect TWICE songs.
I think this is one of TWICE’s best-sounding title tracks. Warm modulated synths, a thrumming bass line, distant bells, shimmering synths — the purpose of this song is to be fun and my god is it excellent at it, like… Sana and Chaeyoung are saying knock-knock-knock and beep-beep-beep as if they’re some kind of car. So much fun.
Further along in the verse, Dahyun’s voice sounds so full and smooth with that layered harmony. Tzuyu coming with the Yes or Yes
, Push & Pull
, and 1 to 10
references — these are 5 years of song references. And Jeongyeon closes the pre-chorus accompanied by a rising synth to drop into chorus one. Jeongyeon slays pre-choruses.
The drums accelerate, the synths start blasting, and Jihyo opens to that party of a chorus with her godly vocals,
Tell me what you want
Tell me what you need
A to Z da malhaebwa
But shijageun ireoke have
Talk that talk ttak han madi
Talk that talk L-O-V-E
Now now now now now yeah~
During Sana's Talk that Talk
~ lines there’s this gentle ascending synth bell that rings with the descending melody and it sounds absolutely gorgeous. And the choreography during that part of the chorus is so so so so fun: the talking hands bit, spelling L-O-V-E
, concluding with the deullyeojweo ooh
! Oh my Jihyo the deullyeojweo ooh
Have I mentioned this song is fun?
Speeding through verse 2; Chaeyoung’s part with the cat ears popping in the music video is adorable; Momo her stretching her arms out looks so damn cool; and Dahyun with her replay part sounds so lovely — although I think it sonically sounds a touch random, it makes sense thematically.
And now for this pre-chorus. Mina and Jihyo leading into it sound great BUT JEONGYEON… Now, she is my ult bias, and this pre-chorus sounds almost identical to the first one, but the way she holds that final note, enunciating and holding that now~
for one more beat before the chorus drops sounds so perfect — the song teeters on a cliff edge. Jeongyeon slays pre-choruses.
Dropping into the second chorus and man, Jihyo powered through that first chorus, but the way Nayeon delivers it just hits different. She has this indescribable “pop” voice (I promise this wasn't on purpose) that stands out and shouts this is THE chorus
. I think this is especially apparent in how both lead their choruses where Jihyo starts at 120% power while Nayeon waits until [Tell me
] WHAT YOU WANT
to full-send it. She also highlights “malhaebwa
” in a similar way later in the chorus.
Another deullyeojweo ooh
! Nayeon travels to Narnia, and Mina the engineer strikes again in this heavenly, underwater-esque bridge,
The simple words “I love you”
That’s all I wanna hear
Without hesitation, I’ll go up to you
I’ll make it simple
And just tell you I love you
The word “love
” is said for the first time in the song. There’s a funky keyboard instrument behind Chaeyoung’s part. Jihyo, Chaeyoung, and Nayeon take the initiative in their lyrics, professing their love before closing the bridge.
And now for the pièce-de-résistance: this final double chorus is exceptional — 40 seconds of crack-laced euphoria; Jihyo switches up the chorus and the choreo, Dahyun chimes in with her fluttery “Talk that Talk
”, Momo comes out of nowhere with “oh yeah it sounds so good!
” — you’re damn right it does, and this is where the song SOARS.
han beon deo~ haejweo
geurae banggeum geu mal~
Nayeon outright shouts “Tell me what you need
” and then Jeongyeon sings the above lines in such an ethereal, warm way where the first line ascends while the second line descends, causing a lull in the song before the finale with Nayeon, finishing off the song with the final deullyeojweo ooh
! What a party. What a song.
- The synths of all time
- The chimes during Talk-that-talk~
- Jeongyeon’s pre-chorus going into Nayeon’s chorus
- The entirety of that magical, final chorus and outro
- The opening hook (Tell me what you want) and accompanying choreography could be “catchier”
- Singing (and dancing) my heart out when this song played at a K-pop club
Lyrics and theme-wise, if this were to have been TWICE’s last comeback, they’ve once again built upon the theme they've been doing since debut: a Bildungsroman, a coming-of-age story.
This song’s chorus is honest yet simple; it asks the listener, in this case, the other half of the relationship, to be more upfront and open with their love (never be scared of love), that before the relationship can continue and flourish there has to be a foundation and commitment of love between each other.
TWICE debuted with a song about making your crush go ooh ahh
. Years later, they started pondering “What is love?
” and imagining their crush responding with “yes
” when asking them out — and now concluding with the phrase “Talk that talk, [talk that] L-O-V-E
”, being upfront with the relationship, wishing their partner to also be happy, to commit to them, to feel the love that they want to impart on them. From gawking like ooh-ahh to talking out your shared love like adults — to having a true relationship between (one and) two.
And can I just say before finishing off Talk that Talk
's review that this is such a fun and repeatable song with many little intricacies hidden in the nonet’s vocals and the production. This is the third draft I’m writing about Talk that Talk
and its original word count pretty much quadrupled.
Harkening back to TWICE’s roots by combining mature thinking with youthful character, an incredible ending to look forward to, and just simply being a club-banger that’s easy to listen to, TTT
is an easy 10/10.
WATCH ME GO WATCH ME GO RULE THE WORLD
Queen of Hearts 👑
Lead producer: LDN Noise of SM
If there was one B-side to promote in a live clip, this was a solid choice.
Helmed by LDN Noise going headlong into the Western boy-group rock-band aesthetic, Queen of Hearts is a boom-boom-clap song through and through. The drums are very prominent throughout the song, only giving room to riffs of electric guitar in the chorus to drive and continue the momentum of the music.
And speaking of the chorus, vocal line each got a chorus to flex and they did not fuck around,
You ain’t ready for it
Watch me go~ watch me go~
Rule the world
Know you never doubted baby
I’mma go run the whole universe~
Cymbals crashing, drums booming, and 3MIX belting all just so sound so good.
Baby I was born to rule~~
Yeah I’m the queen, I’m the queen
And it’s all because of you~~
That I’m the Queen of Hearts
These long, held-out notes performed by Jihyo and Nayeon are simply exquisite. Along with the shredding guitar, the drum set coming in full, and the interludes by Dahyun, Momo, and Chaeyoung, this is the part of the song that always, always
, gives me goosebumps — it sounds so visceral, so energetic, so fun, so triumphant. Boom-boom-clap songs can be hit or miss with people, but there's no denying the payoff from the first part of the chorus to the second part is worth the wait.
The theme of the song so far has been kind of spread around the song. The chorus alludes to it with the line "And it’s all because of you."
But Mina shows more sides of it in the second verse, especially with the phrase,
And now that I’m surrounded by all my girls
We be shining bright like diamonds and pearls
It sounds really lovely — in a very cheesy and affectionate kind of way, as it rightfully should — the song is about the girls and their fans. But the bridge is where the song indeed shows its colours
Screaming out my name
See it in the stage lights
Feel so lucky just to have ya
Cause I know deep down I was meant for something bigger! Greater!
I know you’re seeing what I see
Yeah I’ll be everything you need
I know I’m gonna walk the walk
And talk the talk to be~ [the Queen of Hearts]
This is a song CONCEIVED TO BE PERFORMED FOR THE FANS. It’s meant to be loud. It’s meant to be unapologetic. It’s meant to be sappy. And it’s all the more wonderful for it.
This is the TWICEiest shit ever.
Like Talk that Talk
, Queen of Hearts also has a killer closer. The production already started to grow from the bridge, but now the guitarist finally went Super Saiyan and instead of supporting the drums, they both take the centrepiece in tandem.
Then finally, the closing moments of the song even manage to squeeze in some more sappiness.
So thank you for the memories
You’re all the ones who made me~
So thank you for the memories
That I’m the Queen of Hearts
I still can’t believe that this banger is a FAN SONG out of all things. Truly, the TWICEiest shit ever.
- Adorable fucking lyrics
- Unrelenting, roaring chorus
- English and vocal flex
- Addicting guitar riffs
- Chaeyoung rapping in English in their Korean songs somehow slaps harder than her English rapping in their English songs, nonetheless, in QoH, it fits with the sound of the song
- Walking home from a K-pop festival with this song playing, felt like a Queen of Hearts
I love these types of rock songs with how grunge and head-bang-able they are, there is just a certain nostalgic and cheesy quality to them that feels so cozy. I don’t love putting them on repeat, because in this case, I do believe there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Perhaps more shredding, maybe a guitar solo to rock out to, or an accompaniment(!) of ad-libs from 3MIX to support Jihyo’s final chorus? A ONCE can dream of a truly bombastic rock song from TWICE. But then again that distracts from the core of what this song is: a fan song disguised as a rock song.
Queen of Hearts has so much sweetness in its lyrics and message that it's overflowing. The drums, guitar, and vocals can be as loud and intricate as they can, but the theme of this song is what makes it special from TWICE’s other rock songs — it’s a 9/10 for me.
I WANNA WANNA WANNA TAKE YOU TO THE BASICS
Sole lyricist credit: Chaeyoung
Quite possibly the jammiest (pun intended) song of the album.
A song written by the Strawberry Princess herself — an event similar in frequency to other artists' releases with her last song being 2020’s silky Handle It
first starts with an understated and dreamy delivery. After the first stanza, however, a bouncy Miami bass line emerges, revealing the true nature of the song: this is a classic summer bop! Especially in the first rap,
dareun aedeulgwaneun dalla
Ain’t beggin’ for love
nappeun geon anijana ige naraseo
eodiro twilji molla
Like rainbow bubble gum
geureoni nal kkwak butjabadweo
Syllables are pronounced in a relaxed nature, bars often starting with an "ah
" sound, flirty lines in English — this rap features a production full of pop with R&B flourishes and, in my opinion, this is Chaeyoung’s bag. Also, the line "rainbow bubblegum
" is so adorable and so Chaeyoung.
I wanna wanna wanna take it to the basics
da weonhae weonhae weonhae? seodureuji ma Baby
ppeonhae ppeonhae malhae mweohae da al tende
Ah yeah ah yeah ah yeah ah yeah
That chorus is pure pop with a Miami bass backing; you better be bopping your head to the melody, if not booty poppin' to the bassline. Chaeyoung loves rhyming in the first half of the chorus to enhance its catchiness and it's damn incredible: the “wanna
”, and “ppeonhae
” all create these imperfect rhymes that continue momentum without feeling repetitive.
After the very Boy With Luv
-sounding “ah yeah ah yeah, ah yeah ah yea
h” comes an 8-bar split half and half between Chaeyoung and Momo. Coming from the chorus, the production completely cuts out for the first 2 bars. This adds tension; the song yearns to have that bass beat thumping again and all we have in the audio space in those 2 bars is Chaeyoung spittin' and she delivered.
taneun deut tteugeoun samak wie
yeppeuge pieonan jangmi gata
joshimseure naege dagaol ttae
nado moreuge jjilleobeoril tende
Above the hot, burning desert
It’s like a rose that bloomed beautifully
When you come to me slowly
I will prick you unconsciously
The rap feels slick, effortless, and confident. Her diction remains sharp when enunciating each syllable but she doesn’t let the flow of her rap waver or build as her 4 bars go by, it’s just smooth consistency throughout. Even the lyrics possess an aura of laid-back collectedness that is just so her. The things Chaeyoung can do when given her pen.
- That sweet summer vibe of a chorus
- The “spaceship” post-chorus is killer
- Chaeyoung devoured this song
- Sure-footed, confident lyrics
- Perhaps an alteration of that ah yeah ah yeah line
- The way Jihyo did her pre-chorus line is good, but Mina’s is great
- After donating my hair, walking down the rainbow-coloured areas of downtown Toronto with this song playing was very… fitting
This song is summer bliss distilled into 2:56. It’s dreamy, the raps are satisfying, and the ending is charming. I will say that although the second half of the song adds the stunning “spaceship” post-choruses and a floaty bridge with an incredible drumbeat drop into the final chorus, the raps of the song make it feel a bit front-loaded. And in an album stacked with awesome finishers, it feels more apparent.
With that said, it’s an 8/10 bop for me. This song is so easy to put on and it feels exactly what Chaeyoung would make if given the reins to produce a pop song all on her own. The lyrics are nonchalant but full of conviction, the wordplay is intricate, and the production playful but not too bombastic — it's just a nice vibe. Songs like Basics
are the standard for good, simple, repeatable pop music and I’m happy that Chaeyoung got to test her pen in this genre.
BABY WE’RE IN TROUBLE TROUBLE
Sole lyricist credit: Jihyo
Background vocals: Jihyo
Lead composer credit: Jihyo
Vocal director credit: Jihyo (an assumption given her contributions in First Time
One of the most enjoyable songs I’ve heard in a while.
There is an underlying tension within the first 4 bars of the song, Jihyo and Nayeon confidently open it to a nondescript array of synths and then the stanza ends, Momo announces “Let’s go
”, the beat drops and it hits you: this is a club song.
Dahyun's relaxed delivery contrasted with Jeongyeon's staccato flow, the wobbly synth beat with sprinkle of house piano, Sana dramatically slowing down the song only for Tzuyu to build it back up until the chorus drops,
- Nayeon opens it using a breathy tone, with vocal chops serving as harmonies
- The blooming of the house piano takes centre stage and the song ascends into euphoria
- A random drum roll capped off by a cymbal crash
- Jeongyeon’s pronunciation of the word “trouble” almost being a growl
- Chaeyoung slyly admitting “I like this trouble”
- The entirety of Tzuyu’s tro~oh~oh~ouble yeah~
- Sana using her deep voice for the na~na~na~na
- Jihyo leading the vocals during the synchronized T W I C E chant
This chorus is perfect. Toronto’s residential market needs this song injected into its veins because god damn this song has SO much house in it. And then, ANOTHER KILLING PART: this rap fucking slaps.
gamchweo bwatja geugeon Fake
ppajin hamjeongeun Sweet cake
During the first 2 bars, Chaeyoung is keeping it calm because that trip of a chorus just ended and the song needs a breather, but I don't think anyone expected her to SNAP
this hard afterwards:
You cannot resist this
Cannot miss this, such a bliss
Ima put it down down
Oh yeah, better kiss kiss
Below is the structure of her this portion of the rap, I’m not that well versed in this technical aspect of music theory but I digress, this is all in the span of around 5 seconds where it’s:
Now, 25/5 = 5 syllables per second isn’t groundbreaking, but goddamn it these 2 bars sound so nice — if there is one part in this album that I always repeat, it’s this. The addition of that first quadruplet for “cannot miss this
” in the midst of the triplets sticks out and accelerates the flow of the rap while the following doublets and quadruplets destabilize and slow the rap down as the verse closes. And can I just point out: THE MAIN VOCALIST WROTE, DIRECTED, AND COMPOSED THIS SONG ‼
Chaeyoung of course delivered the fuck out of her verse but THIS is what you get when you have a member not only write the words they’re saying but also the melody and flow with which they sing it, when that member knows the others so well that when they write a song they know how to make the group exceed. This is what you get when the artists you stan love doing artist shit.
. That's not all — with how much I mentioned I love a good outro to close a song, this outro slaps as well:
Woo wee woo wee woo
I like this trouble be-be
Woo wee woo wee woo
I like this trouble bay-be
Woo wee woo wee woo
I like this trouble bay-beh
Woo wee woo wee woo
I like this trou-ble
Like, come on, Nayeon’s imitating a police siren for crying out loud. And this is all after her ad-libs in the final post-chorus; after the pianist going full tilt and playing that piano as if it was their last chance to ever play; after that final T W I C E
chant by all the members come these blissful 20 seconds at the very end. What a song.
- The theme of relishing in an uncontrolled love
- Sana and Mina’s melody in the pre-chorus
- Wees and woos
- Mina’s line of “falling down, falling down, falling down low” in verse 2 feels a bit too abrupt of a change
- While writing Trouble's review I had this song on repeat for my whole subway commute and I must've been so distracting, just head-bopping and being so invested in enjoying a song
Need I say more, easy 9/10. The only reason I place Talk that Talk
is because of what that song represents but besides that, this is one of the best “international” sounds they’ve put out. Actually, I haven’t listened to Eyes wide open
in a while but this song is up there with one of the most sonically pleasing pieces of work they’ve done.
Clubbing TWICE has always been a thing since TT
was birthed in 2016, and has been a staple of their discography since 2019’s Fancy You
and Feel Special
mini albums, but Trouble
unapologetically dives into and fits the house genre so well you’d think that this is TWICE’s bread and butter sound. Trouble
is Jihyo’s magnum opus. What a song.
BRAVE BRAVE BRAVE FOR YOU
Main producer: Slow Rabbit of HYBE
I first thought this was just a good song, then I read the lyrics.
Gentle guitar plucks, shimmering synths, a distant keyboard in the right ear, in the left a glockenspiel, the melodic oohs
from the members — this song is PRETTY
The night that was unusually dark
Above this terrifying world, felt so lonely
The world has grown in the time of wandering
So hard to breathe
Mina and Chaeyoung open the song with how they feel lonely and that it's hard to breathe and now suddenly the song feels bittersweet — I was not expecting the song to be this emotional. Brave
describes a situation where the singer is in a darker place in life and it isn't until another person gives them hope by calling them 'brave' that they find the drive to keep going.
Once the chorus hits, the melodies pick up, more guitars get added — there’s even an electric guitar hidden in the mix somewhere, and the song drops the emotional front to reveal a mid-tempo pop song to dance to while crying in the club. The song as a whole still carries this melancholy feeling, but now with the added support of this chorus acting as a light amongst the gloom.
Continuing on in the second verse there's this gorgeous, well-placed break in the song that just lets it settle after that chorus. Only a seasoned producer would risk this much empty space in a song and Slow Rabbit went to fill those shoes.
Back to the chorus, I'll take this moment to once again commend Slow Rabbit with the mixing of the song, because 4MIX undoubtedly sounds good in the chorus, and the interludes from Dahyun, Chaeyoung, and Mina also sound really good, but the clear highlight of the choruses are these lines:
Oh na na na neon nal naige hae [Momo, then Tzuyu, then Momo]
On and on and on
Brave brave brave for ya [Dahyun, then Chaeyoung, then Mina]
Oh na na na neon nal sum shwige hae [Sana, then Momo, then Sana]
On and on and on oh trust me babe
Momo, Sana, and Tzuyu form this beautiful, surprisingly catchy, second half of the chorus accompanied by a guitar drop. It should not turn out this well with how conflicting the "na
"s are with the guitar melody but it creates this gentle bopping ebb and flow that feels so lush and mellow.
Diving into the bridge reveals that the listener of the song is revealed not only capable of supporting the singer through direct words but also through their thoughts and dreams. As can be discerned, this can be a song interpreted to be about ONCEs, about how they push TWICE to be their best selves despite the breathless hardships they face. It's a very sweet and touching song.
- Special lyrics
- Pleasant sound to vibe out to
- That gentle break after the first chorus
- Jihyo’s high note at the end
- A Nayeon Jeongyeon joint high note ⁉️
- Just pretty vocals throughout
- Potentially hard to comprehend without translating the Korean lyrics
- Form of Therapy’s life motto revolves around the word “brave”. I don’t know where I got that from, but I remembered it right before watching his album reaction
I’m actually spoiled with the TWICE members’ easy-to-understand songwriting that when a song like this pops up where it's not written by a member and the thematic bits are mostly in Korean, I tend to put it aside in favour of the other songs on the album. And, especially for a song focusing on a theme like this where the English phrases don’t do the Korean lyrics enough justice, it does place a bit of a barrier on the listening experience, dropping it down to a 7/10 from an 8/10.
With that anecdote out of the way, this song is just such a vibe, man. I know that sounds super hippy to say but Brave
is so mellow and smooth that I can’t help but sway a little when that chorus hits. And then I remember what the lyrics say and I tear up a bit on the inside. This song is so pure, raw, and full of heart — we need more songs like these where they just reminisce about life while putting up an upbeat front. Don't mind me just crying while dancing the night away.
With that said, this isn't the first time this theme has been sung by TWICE either, they've long trodden this path of supportive, confiding, up-lifting songs with Young & Wild
, Go Hard, Depend on You
, even this album's Queen of Hearts
, and, of course, Feel Special
just adds another on top of an already stacked lineup, unique with its mellow somberness.
Also now feels like a good time to get into my rating system:
- 7/10s are songs are ones that are simply good throughout or great songs with apparent flaws
- 8/10s are great songs with standout characteristics
- 9/10s are borderline perfect songs where I sometimes can't comprehend how great they are
- And 10/10s are the best of an artist's discography, songs that encapsulate their ethos perfectly or expand upon them in a meaningful way
I SEE THE LIES ON THE TIP OF YOUR TONGUE
Sole lyricist credit: Dahyun
Who the fuck pissed off Dubu this time??
It’s getting quite rare to see TWICE pull off brand new sounds because, with now 190 original songs under their belt, they’ve done so many genres and sub-genres varying from hyper pop, to bossa nova, to whatever 2020’s Go Hard
is. So it’s surprising to see they’ve still got tricks up their sleeves and Gone
is one of them.
The song starts with strings swinging back and forth and vocal chops dancing from ear to ear, teasing what’s yet to come. Jihyo enters the song with a whisper and the song sets its pace. A stagnant drum pad moves the song along and typical song progression would have Mina continue the build but — it doesn’t. The song simmers, adding a hint of high hat to the pot. And then, Sana and Tzuyu come on and surely the buildup must boil over right?
I see the LIES on the top of your tongue
The strings emerge again on full blast, the simmer rolls to a boil, and the anger of the song is revealed,
All the fate I had towards you
Fades like a fog, gone, gone
Your flipping mind of doing this and that
I’m tired of it, it’s meaningless
In the beginning, it was hard to believe
With that, hatred increases
The singer is so scorned and burned from this relationship that they reminisce about all the effort they’ve put in since the beginning, but their “partner” is so unconcerned that they’ve just about had enough of the relationship altogether.
This has been Dahyun’s thing since 2020’s Bring It Back
, 2021’s Cruel
, 2022’s That’s all I’m saying
, and even 2023's Don't Blame It On Me
— emotionally charged breakup songs that make you feel as if she’s gone through a dozen bad relationships. Dispatch, do your job better, or don't.
Another highlight of the song is the post-chorus going into the bridge. This segment reiterates the structure from the first post-chorus — a barrage of drums supported by the rhythmic strumming of a bass guitar along with a consistent synth filling out the soundscape. But this time, it’s Dahyun and Chaeyoung on the rap:
I can’t stand it anymore [Dahyun]
My patience, invisible
I can’t find it, it’s all gone
Even if I try to turn back, it’s too late [Chaeyoung]
There’s no use anymore
It has left, it’s long gone
You, with flipping mind, you are out [Momo]
I know that you know what I’m talking about [Dahyun]
Nothing you could say that could turn this around
Continuing the disrespected theme of the song, Dahyun notes that she’s finally had enough with Chaeyoung adding that there’s no point salvaging what was once there for all of it is long gone. Momo and Dahyun round it off by telling the listener that there’s no point trying to reason with them or playing naive, they fucked up and there’s no coming back.
Can I just say, it's a bit of a shame that Chaeyoung’s rapping popped off in this album while Dahyun only has this one verse that she shares with Chaeyoung, but it just sounds so good how Dahyun eases in after the chorus with her light rapping tone transitioning into her singing. She even holds the “gone
” in a little crescendo for some added pizzazz.
And, there’s no way I’m not going to talk about Momo’s vocals in this bridge. Damned if she only got 1 line to use it in, her lower register is incredible. She sounds so smooth singing in this tone. All of TWICE do in particular and there is nary a weak vocal performance in this album.
To close the song off, a wash of synths gets to have their shine in the spotlight, showered with Nayeon’s belting, signifying the dramatic and drawn-out conclusion of this partnership.
- They’ve still got their surprises
- Thundering chorus
- 2nd rap and bridge combo
- A bitter, crumbling relationship theme
- I’m not a huge fan of the mixing during the first post-chorus, where Momo's vocals were fighting with the production, which is disappointing because Momo is capable of an insane flow
- The post-chorus in general, specifically the first one, can be a bit tiring on repeat listens
- Actually, I think this song sounds like a mix between GOT7's Not By The Moon, BLACKPINK’s Love To Hate Me, and Dahyun’s Bring It Back. I don’t know where I got this thought came from, but it stuck
Going back to that point about the first post-chorus as a whole; songs that have the production continue unchanged into the post-chorus/2nd verse are very hit or miss for me — see TWICE's Don't Call Me Again
for an overbearing example. The post-chorus going into the bridge contrasts Dahyun’s light tone nicely with the hard-hitting production, continuing the energy until it slowly fades into silence at the end of the bridge.
Back to the song as a whole, as much as TWICE has been experimenting with their sound for the past 4 years now, I’m happy they’re still finding new ways to explore what they’re capable of. And for that alone, even though I’m not a big fan of songs like these where they rely on sounding “big”, Dahyun’s lyricism and the thrill I receive every time I indulge myself in this song when I listen to it for the first time in a while elevates it to an 8/10. Keep on breaking hearts, Dubu.
When We Were Kids 🧸
Sole lyricist credit: Dahyun
Press play to reminisce, pull up lyrics to cry.
This song is so beautiful. I’m totally not writing this song review, crying on the bus reminiscing about my childhood, while just having turned 21. I don’t know if these are happy or sad tears but this song is so beautiful either way.
Warm synths, muted piano, a gentle high hat, the younger members starting off the song — this has to be up there for one of the softest TWICE songs ever. And as it should, it’s one of the TWICEiest songs ever. And then Nayeon comes in,
Invincible superheroes, we wanted to be adults
To the higher, clearer world
The chords start swelling, the high hat keeps pace, and the harmonies come in,
Remember when we were kids
When we were kids, we didn’t know
If we could go back
I will love it even more
Remember when we were kids
Jihyo takes up the second half of the chorus as it drops, trading the strings for an almost R&B synth production — if choir R&B takes off, this song started it. The song relishes in this cacophony of warm sounds until returning to its sparse and peaceful verses.
This time, the hints of piano are louder, little twinkling synths begin to shimmer, the drum buildup comes and Jeongyeon drives the song straight into the chorus. No time for the strings to build like in Nayeon’s — this song loves its chorus so much.
And I'll just take this time to appreciate the amount of Jeongyeon vocals in this album. Her voice is so clean, stable, and projected — but also more tender and soft compared to the more pronounced tones of Nayeon and Jihyo.
The bridge comes in, repeating the phrase:
I wish that I could meet
Could meet the younger me
Giving the song time to rest, before building back up to the last chorus — this time led by Jihyo, completing the 3MIX trifecta. And interestingly enough, Chaeyoung follows up in the second half of the chorus, rather than another member of the vocal line. She really did pop off in this album.
As the last chorus begins to close, the percussion at its strongest, the harmonies on blast, the background vocals cranked up to their Sunday best, is the song going to end? Of course not! This is an album full of banger endings as if the songs don’t want to end, and When We Were Kids
being the album closer very much indulges in that feeling.
After a brief refrain, accented by Nayeon’s high note with a touch of vibrato, the song almost dives back into a fourth chorus. Nayeon and Jeongyeon harmonize — a rare and heavenly moment. And the song repeats the bridge, reiterating that they want to meet their younger selves, this time with the lush chorus production before closing with silence, a few piano notes, and Tzuyu singing the last line of the song:
Oh, we were kids
Reflection, acceptance, hope. What a song.
- Heavenly vocals throughout
- Relatable, heartfelt lyrics
- Euphoric chorus
- Great closer to the album
- Refrain after the last chorus, "Back when we were kids," could’ve been executed better
- For an album titled Between 1&2, I don’t think anything hits harder than finishing the song reviews, with this song in particular, during your 21st birthday
I wrote the first part of this review in November 2022. Then university, life, and other things got in the way of my headspace for me to feel confident about wrapping all of this up. In a way, I felt like I just didn’t want this review to end because of the joy that writing gives me — I didn’t want the happiness to end. And then it hit me, after watching a YouTuber rank animated movies and them placing Spirited Away
at the top and explaining 'why' reminded me of just how important growing up is, and by extension this song.
This theme is important for both the rookie TWICE members in 2015 and the teenagers who would follow their journey and grow up with them, facing life’s obstacles along the way. Hardships that used to only involve family, crushes, and social media, evolve into work, commitments and all the struggles that adult life brings. Being a kid and enjoying the simple things in life is one of the most sought-after moments we want to relive because we took growing up for granted. The only thing we can do now is look back on ourselves with fondness and rose-tinted lenses.
TWICE’s original marketing was to resonate with people through their senses and their hearts. That was during their debut, and I think it still holds up today. In my opinion, touching people through their emotions is what TWICE does best and makes them one of K-pop’s all-time greats. It was never about having the best numbers — it was always about being the best idols. And to think that this journey of maturation and growth would occur from 2015 all the way to this song, being a fitting nod to TWICE’s 7th anniversary, I don’t think anyone at the company nor the group would ever imagine that they would get this far. It’s these nine women or none — 9/10.
This song honestly deserves a 10/10 with how much I noticed other people reminiscing their childhoods after I heard this song, it is such a widely-relatable message, but I am determined to limit myself to one 10/10 song per album and if I were to pick between TTT and WWWK
, I'd give it to the one's that's more repeatable — Talk that Talk
just has this electric energy about it.
And finally here is the end. If you made it in one sitting then I commend you, because I could not write this mess in one sitting. As alluded to, I started writing this album review sometime in October, after a series of edits the first draft was finished in March, and now here's the final draft in June.
I love this album. It got me through some important parts of my life, both good and bad, and it's just a wonderful listen throughout. Reliving this album again before finally completing the review has been an exciting journey. Brave
hit me harder this time, after being overshadowed by the other gems of this album, and WWWK
finally got me to tear up and not just be emotionally satisfied.
I feel like there's something for everyone on this album. From the exhilarating thrills of TTT
to the anthemic euphoria of QoH
, the clubbing dichotomy of Trouble
to the blissful glee of Basics
, and the sweet reminiscence of WWWK
to the thundering anger that is Gone
. Like Eyes wide open
, I liken Between 1&2
to a pop music taste platter — there's such an eclectic mix of pop, music in this album that there's bound to be a song that someone will love, like, and dislike.
Is this album perfect? I don't think so, but it's close — it was certainly my 2022 AOTY. Was this review biased? Absolutely. I've been a fan since 2019 and with the themes in this album, I also feel like it was biased towards me as a ONCE. And how would I rank the album in TWICE's catalogue? It's honestly at the top, at least with EPs — I also felt that way towards Feel Special
but then this album was birthed so I'm excited for TWICE's future. Ready To Be
was also a stunning album and Eyes wide open
frankly also deserved the spotlight that Formula of Love
received so I might hit those next but no promises; this album took long enough to bake.
As for the performances, I've only seen Twitter clips (no fancams to not spoil myself) and I am SO EXCITED to finally see them in July. QoH
was as glorious as expected, Brave
was a delightful surprise, and WWWK
, while not being the concert closer everyone expected it to be, paired up nicely with Crazy Stupid Love.
And of course the bombastic addition of the dance break to TTT
. But, this is not a concert review, and this is where this album review ends.
Feel free to comment with any thoughts regarding the album, other TWICE albums, and any suggestions for my writing in general. Congrats again on making it this far!
God, I love this album.
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to twice [link] [comments]
2023.06.03 22:49 twentynineO8 Some drawings I've been doing on Procreate any opinions or feedback appreciated :)
2023.06.03 22:47 pingnova Just moved out of homelessness 3 days ago. Lots of clutter from storage, want a cozy bedroom without so much visual stress.
I was homeless for more than a year following the pandemic and worsening disability. I recently finally was selected for a section 8 apartment. It's larger than normal but filled 80% with crap that has been sitting in friend's garages that I don't feel like I completely need anymore. Going through it is daunting but first I want to figure out my bedroom, where I'll spend most of my time. I want to feel safe, at home, and relaxed here. Any ideas or advice are welcome for this very overwhelmed poster.
Estimated measurements: 120" (10') x 110" (9'). Excluding the closet and entrance. My futon is queen size. The room is very tall, so I am hoping to fully use the vertical space while being mindful of visual clutter (which is personally stressful to look at) and building fire code (notice the sprinkler). Don't know exactly how tall but I'm 5'6" and I want to estimate like 3-4' above me.
Rental so no paint or adhesives. Nails and screws fine. Textured wall. Also have a cat per the cat tree. There is a baseboard heater along the entire window wall. No HVAC, just a wall mounted ac unit in the living room, so bedroom door is permanently open. 70% of the year is freeze your eyebrows off after 1 second outside, and the rest is sweat your eyebrows off after 1 second, if that's relevent.
Sunlight is very important to me, so maximizing that somehow. (Particularly in the dark season.) Bright colors make me happy, particularly yellow. I have a lot of books despite always trying to cut down. Cheaper solutions preferred but I'm scrappy, so if you have an idea that may normally be expensive I'd still like to know so I can research alternatives.
I don't want my futon off the floor which unfortunately eliminates underbed storage. At most I've been imagining a short solid Japanese style frame. (Which I can easily make with scrap wood.) I do really like Japanese home design, particularly after how well the shikibuton (futon) served me this past year.
submitted by pingnova
to DesignMyRoom [link] [comments]
2023.06.03 22:46 Systemic_UnknownQs Well here we go again…
Please note I am 22 years of age and diagnosed, this is simply a note down from ourselves - validation is important to us so please be respectful if you are to comment - M (Host) - hoping this helps anyone struggling with memories, you are valid and deserve to be heard <3 - (Darkia)
The last thing that keeps popping up is a memory of my twin sister, we found her body at 15 years of age and well we had gone through a lot during our childhood with her, sexual abuse from our father, disturbing situations occurring however we can’t remember exactly what and she is definitely gone but “not forgotten” please if anything we are the only ones who remember her as she truly was. She had came to us about a specific disorder definitely one of the personality ones and expressed “this sounds like me!”.
I remember standing just outside of a hot closet. I did try to shout out that it was us and that yes it sounded like real good SENSE but someone had told her not to worry too much. I remember her passing as a suicide, we all do and I’m sure of it and even now I’m getting memories from the court room but even the funeral is foggy. I remember not being able to save her but I can’t help but think to a night where my sister was put into my room for something “bold” - by our guardian at the time - and we built a place where we could “travel” to each others worlds - and NO nothing like system jumping more like sharing the moment of despair. I can tolerate the guardian now but that’s because she will never truly know anything as she’s more an old donkey… for example her oldest bio son has been diagnosed with BPD but still blames cannabis usage on causing his mental disorder when that’s not how it works at all (C+M)
Anyways back to my memory (M) - I remember the day as a memory but I cannot recall the actual things I did that morning before finding her. The story has changed so many times and this goes for most major things/memories that has happened. It was only brought to my attention by our guardian that our abusive bio dad would make me watch as my sister was the more “mature twin” I can only feel like I wanted to pick up a car and squash him with it only how was I meant to do that. I don’t remember watching anything but it’s in the reports. Our bio mother is a raging alcoholic even to this day. We assumed she was sober for the last few years and always wondered why not going back to her was an option if she was sober but the fact of it is and at least she was honest over the phone “oh no honey I haven’t had a drink since January” (2023). I remember our guardian telling me that I was always mentally stronger than my sister and I believe that. My sister always wanted to see our mother when she visited in town but I never did, apparently I was very stubborn about it, I don’t remember why at the time but I do now. When our sister came to the realisation of having a problem and someone told her not to worry about it so much she did go to our guardian but unfortunately our guardian told her that if she was to see professionals they would drag up the “past” which would affect her more. I’m sure that this wasn’t wise words from that woman. Apparently we were assessed separately at about 8 yrs when we first arrived to our guardian but I don’t remember most of that at all and it sucks we don’t have our sister to talk to anymore. I believe she ended it all due to the realisation of her mental health and no one helped. I could never end my life and none of us ever could. We know what happens when someone takes that option which I suppose is luck and curse in and of its own
- we protect - we fight - we hurt - we struggle - we care - we raise our family - we train our pet - we cut people off who over step boundaries and let them back once it’s deemed safe - we help others stick around for the sake of avoiding another suicide - we have our morals - we have our values- we have our priorities - we have our likes and dislikes but most of all we survive <3
- M - C - Milly - Winnie - Darkia - Kayla
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to OSDD [link] [comments]
2023.06.03 22:44 bollyblob dirty "fix" for bipolar(bipolar 2) and hypersomnia (from antipsychotics or otherwise)
do this at your own risk
i have bipolar 2 and for some years my "latest" "medication" is lithium morning and at "night" lithium+seroquel+nozinan
after some previous medications i stopped being able to sleep without heavy medications like these, i can go a week without 1 minute of sleep it seems and i feel ill die, without these in high doses.
the point is i had found out from before i had full blown bipolar i needed a minimum of 12 hours of sleep, basically 12-14 felt like it was most people's 6-8.
also, after bipolar, if i slept 12 hours and awake 12 hours for a 24 hour day, the body knows the ratio of sleep to awake is too much sleep, and when i have too much sleep the body+mind triggers depression. i figured from this and other ways, that you can cause depression by doing what you do normally when you are depressed. so for me when im very depressed i stay in bed and sleep too much, awake to little, and thus if im in hypomania and for some reason decide to sleep too much, after a few days im back in depression, consistently.
my normal bipolar 2 situation would be like 60% of the time "hypo"depression, 20% depression, 20% hypomania.
i figured wait, if i can mimick depressive behavior to artificially trigger depression, can i mimic hypomania behavior to trigger hypomania?
you can. for me, it took to eventually get the strength to get out of bed when i was just lying there depressed, and go and do something. i had found that playing computer games such as world of warcraft, and replacing the music i had with youtube videos(optimally with second pc screen for youtube, nice to have not needed), was very entertaining. i had started to educate myself on science technology philosophy but anything i found interesting, really. anyway, so i just did that, and i found my brain trying to multitask liked to kick into hypomania. after some time i started increasing the speed of videos on youtube, which if you find your sweet spot maintains hypomania better, and you learn faster, at no headaches cost. for me my current sweet spot is 1.8x speed. so this is what i have been doing for the past ~6 or so years, i forget, as i dont work(i am on a small temporary 67% disability). i basically learn from youtube anything i want most of the day while playing some game. i find that game needs to be stimulating, allowing for some creativity, but not too much so that you can mostly focus on the video audio. a recent champion game was a free one called fall guys, with a clone called stumble guys. its easy and repetitive enough that your mind opens creatively and helps learning, but not too stimulating that you have to focus only on the game(after you get the hang of it). grinding games or mmos with leveling or grinding/repetitive phases work well too.
the point of this is that, by mimicking what triggers hypomania and finding the initial strength to do it, i can reverse my normal 60% hypodepression, 20% depression, 20% hypomania, into roughly: 70% hypomania, 20% hypodepression, 10% depression. this was insane for me, as for me, hypomania is basically feeling decently good, decently motivated and energized, even though the doctors think its the devil somehow.
theres another catch: to do all, knowing that my normal minimum sleep is 12 hours, i thought i would go all in and change my life around this. i know i cant sleep 12 awake 12 as, besides the obvious problem that even at 12 i wake up horribly like a zombie, and i sometimes oversleep into 16h or so, especially since the night pills i take are super strong and high dose for me to even fall asleep. so? with experimentation i found out that i can sleep 16-18 hours, preferably close to 16, and be awake 32 to 36 hours at a time. now i increased my sleep from 12 to 16, and my awake from 12 to 36. i gained insane hours awake doing whatever i want, while almost always in hypomania, and at seemingly no cost. this lifestyle helps you maintain hypomania all by itself, at 16 hours i feel decently rested, and surprisingly adding all these tons of awake hours actually makes your ratio absolutely like a normal persons, 2 awake:1asleep. for me, this has been an insanely amazing find that improved my quality of life at least 10x more than my pills did. infact the pills only caused me severe sideffects but when i try to cut them i feel im going to die, so i havent yet, as im scared.
warning: you have to experiment to find your own sweet spots but i suspect you should try reach the healthy ratio of 2awake:1asleep, match it to whatever sleep you feel is best, adjust the awake. find something interesting/constructive to do while awake, physical or mental. mental will be easier because physical will make you more tired more easily and might mess with the whole thing, unsure.
extra big warning: when i was experimenting, if i stayed awake more than ~36-38 hours, not only it was extra hard to sleep, i was too wired ,but when i took the sleep pills, i felt i was in hell. i felt something i call despair, or 3x depression. i dont know how else to explain, but i felt insanely bad, insanely afraid, i would start thinking random thoughts and converted them to the most hell scenario, the mind would just do it you would just watch it in horror. my mother? she will die, perhaps raped and tortured before. my dog? he will die, tomorrow maybe he will be run over by a car in front of me, ill hold his broken dead body in my arms. like this for 30m-1h before the pills would just render me unconscious.
everytime i am awake about 38h or more, this happens. after years i found for me 36hours is almost fully safe, 34h is totally safe.
i dont know how dangerous this is. the doctors hate it. but the pills they gave me did shit, i was as suicidal as ever for years with them. this was indescribably good, dirty fixed both many of my bipolar issues and my hypersomnia issues in 1.
i dont know if this is the right place to post this.
consider doing this at your own risk, if you are desperate.
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to hypersomnia [link] [comments]
2023.06.03 22:44 Shady_Prospector Dual Purpose Post
So this post is going to be a little bit cathartic and a little bit looking for advice...
Had an AP a few years ago. Started out pre-pandemic with that awesome NRE. Lots of chatting, flirting, and because she lived nearby, a healthy amount of in person meets. Those were augmented with a few day trips and happy hours. All was well and I felt happy and fulfilled.
Then pandemic. We both locked down with our families. Maintained communication, but cut off meets. Seemed to be weathering the storm fairly well. As things slowly opened up, we didn't really return to normal. She was reluctant, communications became a little strained, she switched jobs and the term "insanely busy" entered our lexicon. A term that, even now, drives me nuts... Eventually she broke it off. Claimed that she felt like she couldn't give me what I was looking for anymore and that, in fact, things were very good at home and she no longer really needed an affair. That last part stung, but I accepted it. I'm not one to keep doors open. Went full NC and tried to start the healing process.
Fast forward a few years and I've tried to find a new AP. Haven't really had much success. I catch myself thinking of her too much and feeling like I never really got closure. After a recent pAP fell apart, I - in a moment of weakness - messaged her...not at all expecting to hear from her. I wanted to believe that things really were good for her at home and she wasn't using that account. However, a week later, I got a very surprised response. She had wanted to surprise her son with an anonymous message and opened that account for the first time in a long while - and saw my message. We caught up, reminisced, and cleared a little of the air. She claims, in fact, that things were mostly the same at home as ever, and that she had broken up with me due to just feeling overwhelmed, "insanely busy", and unable to really juggle it all. We actually found time to meet in person and chat more. Not quite old times but nice.
Later that evening we messaged more and decided to proceed with caution. She told me she is more "insanely busy" than ever, but if I could manage expectations a bit, she would like to keep seeing where this is headed. She was concerned though about disappointing me if she could not be as engaged as I would like.
So here we are, not a week later, and I fear her reservations were correct. The first week has been a few sporadic messages (almost all starting with "I'm sorry, been insanely busy") and a few days of NC. I know she warned of this, but it hurts to accept that this probably won't work...again.
What I'm wondering is do I take the opportunity to express some things I never had the chance to do before, get a little closure, and end it? I've always felt the "insanely busy" bit was a little exaggerated and was more reflective of some narcissistic tendencies she's had towards me in the past. Do I go full NC again? Or should I try to be the bigger person, acknowledge this isn't what I want, but try to remain friends?
Help with what I probably already know what I should do....
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to adultery [link] [comments]
2023.06.03 22:43 debunkedrealitychaos It's hard not to hate myself
Digging into the past - it's painful. Emails upon emails of bullshit. Multiple times I have told my mother to leave me alone. To leave my eldest alone (she hates on the youngest as she has special needs and her father looked a little like mine did when he was young).
I hate myself for not being strong enough. For buying into to the multiple people she roped in, who would all eventually leave, to convince me of my 'unwellness'. That cunt who sat down and let the traffickers take me. That cunt who cut my clit up with a steak knife in part of her cover up. That cunt who now denies everything that she ever admitted to, everything that I can prove happened to me.
I was six months old when i was face fucked so badly that I couldn't eat. four days of no eating, no drinking.... they finally brought me to the hospital.
This woman.... this woman who has shown up at my doors with other people who claimed to love me - A MOTHER DOES NOT CONDEMN HER CHILD.
My mother groomed me. My mother beat me. My mother poisoned me. My mother murdered me. My mother provided pre care and post care to my rapes, my sodomy, my ...... horrendous abuses - AS A TODDLER.
I am devastated with pain. With hurt. With the final acknowledgement that I have not ever had, only provided, a loving home.
I have to release the emotions so that I am calm for court. Emotions are what allow evil to win. Fucking evil cunts. Fuck you mom. Fuck you dad. I wish they could end up in prison together. That fantasy brings a smile to my tear-stained face.
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2023.06.03 22:43 Kise1320 AITA for reading and answering my husband’s social accounts?
For background info.. Me (27f) and my husband (24m) has been in an LDR from the start. He lives in country U and i live in country C. But both of us came from country P. Although we met a lot in person in 6 yrs we’ve known each other.. 70-75% of our relationship is by far compose of LDR. So we’re practically live in each other’s social accounts.
Now.. We both planned to go to our home country P for 3 months for vacation. I told him he can go 1st because i need to go to country X for 1 week for business. So he went home 1st.
In my 4th day in country X, i can’t contact him at all. i messaged him and called but no answer. So i open his account messages. There’s only 2 unread messages apart from group chats.. from me and the girl S. S is my husband’s 1st crush and neighbour in his childhood days. She knew it too. I got curious cause this is the 1st time she contacted him in 6yrs we’re in relationship and also maybe there’s a clue why i can’t contact my husband. so i opened it.
She’s asking how are you? when did you come? and so on. So i answered her and pretended to be my husband. I talked to her like a friend will talk to another friend. Then at the end of conversation she asked..
“In the past, i just want to know if you have a plan to court me then? because if you do, i would have accepted it because i like you too.”
i didn’t reply. She also has a BF that time. Then after 25-30 mins my husband contacted me. He said they were visiting this mini dam and long bridge and his phone fell so it got broken. There’s no signal so he can’t contact me until they’re out in highway where there’s signal and ask his friends to borrow their phone to contact me.
I told my husband about what happened and asked him what you gonna say? He told me that its up to me what to say because i already know their and our story. So i open again his account and replied.
“No i don’t. i didn’t like you that much to court you. but now i will die if my wife leaves me.”
This is the 1st time i used his account to reply. I usually just read messages and i rarely even do that. Last time i opened his account is 4-5 months ago. My husband just laughed when he read it and says i did good.
Then when i went home in country P. I met Sandra for the 1st time in a get together. There, she had known i know all my husbands message’s including their own group chats with friends they just make when my husband came home.
Later she PM me saying i shouldn’t open his account and read his messages. That it’s an invasion of privacy.
I answered her “if i didn’t read it then i wouldn’t know you guys are talking to me behind my back. Since my husband rarely reading group messages much less replying to one.”
My husband got mad when he knows it then left their group chat saying true friends don’t disrespect and back stabbed their friend’s wife.
Now, my husband cut all ties to most of his childhood friends because of what happened. Saying 2-3 true friends he knew is enough.
I don’t know but i feel bad about it. AITA?
submitted by Kise1320
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2023.06.03 22:37 hoobastankluvr Should I start bulking or do smth else? (5’7, ~145 lb)
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I’ve started bulking around a week ago, going to the gym consistently for around a year about now. Been living in a dorm for the past two years, diet’s been an issue because of food access/budget. I was wondering if I should commit to a bulk or try and do a cut over the summer (back needs work)? Thanks for input submitted by hoobastankluvr to BulkOrCut [link] [comments]
2023.06.03 22:35 d8sconz The life and times of John Marmon, the Hokianga Pakeha Maori - Chapter 6
The first land we sighted after leaving Sydney was the Three Kings, New Zealand. We had run before a fair wind up to this time, and had come into what was regarded as a good whaling ground. Now every eye was scanning the horizon, since a bottle of grog was promised to the man who should first sight a whale. I had been on the port watch since I came on board under Mr Hawkins, the chief mate, and one evening, just as our watch below was ending, I went aloft to see the sun set. Against the broad, red horizon I saw some dark objects spouting and tumbling. In an instant I had shouted “Whales ho!” to claim the bottle of grog. “Where away?” was the skipper's question. “On the lee bow, sir.” For an instant he scanned the spot with his glass, an anxious moment for me lest I should have mistaken a shoal of porpoises for a school of whales, and not only lose my prize but expose myself to the ridicule of my fellow sailors. “Right you are, it's whales, sure enough; you have won your grog, lad.”
We had no time to lose; the night would soon be on us, and our chance would be lost. Down went the boat with Ned Farne, our harpooner, in the bows ready to launch his weapons when opportunity offered. On came the school, tumbling and blowing, throwing jets of water ten or fifteen feet into the air, causing a very grand yet terrible scene. At length they got almost within range; the boys were pulling like mad to keep up with the pace the whales were swimming at. We saw Ned rise up in the bows, poise his arm back for an instant, then launch the harpoon straight for the huge back of the fish that was nearest to him. The aim was true, the missile was buried over the barb in the soft blubber beneath the outer skin, and away went the whale dragging the harpoon rope after it so rapidly that they had to pour water upon the side of the boat to prevent it from igniting, through the violent friction. Again the huge creature rose to breathe, and another harpoon was driven into it, causing it once more to rush away through the water at lightning speed. Darkness fell over the scene before they had killed it, and the boat remained by the carcase all night to prevent it sinking. When morning came it was a busy scene on board, preparing to cut it in and try it out. At length the task was completed, and five large sacks of oil were secured; not a large yield certainly, but the foretaste of better things, we hoped. We cruised over the same ground for several days, but saw no more whales, accordingly we stretched across to Curtis' Island, about 500 miles to the north-east, where in about a month we got five or six more, some of them giving very fair yields of oil. After this we ran down upon Norfolk Island, where we fell in with the Mercury, schooner, Captain Barnet, also on a whaling cruise from Tasmania. From her we shipped two additional hands, and then made for Moreton Bay, on the coast of Queensland. Here not a solitary fish was to be seen, therefore we ran back for our old ground off Curtis' Island. Scarcely had we arrived when we fell in with a heavy gale from the north-east, raging for twenty days, in which we had to heave to, not being able to show a rag of sail. On the 21st day, when the wind began to lull, we found ourselves off the Three Kings, a drift of more than 500 miles. We had shipped such heavy seas, and the force of the storm had been so great, that our tryworks had been carried away, and three of our boats stove in. Therefore we bore up for the Bay of Islands, where we arrived on the 10th of April, 1811, anchoring as before off Te Puna. We were the only vessel in the bay at the time, though others entered during our stay.
The same day that we reached our anchorage a chief named Taua Makia came aboard to take care of us and watch over our interests, lest we should be swindled in trade or otherwise maltreated. This considerate proceeding was not disinterested, but the ‘consideration’ expected was not large. The Skipper ordered a boat to go ashore and bring a load of gravel to serve as shot for our guns since this had been omitted in the ship's supplies, and the natives were not to be trusted, even though we had a protector. The news had spread like wild-fire that a ship was at anchor in the bay, and already scores of canoes were being launched to pay a visit to the pakeha, but we loaded our guns, and pointing them astern, ordered all the visitors to keep back, which, after a little demur and grumbling they did. Nevertheless, all throughout our stay, they never desisted in the attempt to get on board, considering it a gross breach of hospitality on our part to deny them the privilege. As our example was imitated by Captain Walker, of the Endeavour brig, that came in a few days after us, having on board two missionaries for Tahiti - Messrs Davidson and Williams - the natives concluded that in us they had got a very bad and uncivil customer to deal with.
Meantime we had commenced work upon the repairs of the vessel. Nearly all our spars had been carried away, together with our jibboom and some of the bulwarks; we had lost every boat but one, and small leaks were demanding attention, We bad two sawyers on board, and as Captain Walker had three whom he lent us for the time, our skipper thought it best to put the ship thoroughly to rights here, in place of putting back to Sydney. Accordingly, the sawyers went ashore, rigged up the pits, and commenced work vigorously. But the Maoris did not exactly see the force of this. They imagined that we were concocting some diabolic scheme of destruction against them in making such extensive preparations, which they considered as in some way identified with our worship. They pulled down the works and threatened to kill the sawyers if they attempted to resume operations. But a volley from the vessels soon scattered them, and a strong guard being picked from the crews of both ships, they were hereafter permitted to labour uninterruptedly. During this time, I had considerable liberty granted to me to go ashore, or to go fishing with Taua Makia. The first time I availed myself of the former privilege, I received as great a scare as ever I had in my life. Three of us had been wandering about in a bit of bush near the Keri-Keri River, trying to find our way back to the saw-pits, when suddenly we issued upon a cleared space, in which were a few houses and patches of cultivation. Before the entrance to one of the whares stood a band of females crowned with chaplets of green leaves, and wringing their hands. One of these, an elderly woman, who seemed to act as chief mourner upon the occasion, and had a chaplet of dog's hair round her temples, different from the others, advanced in front and began to throw her arms about, raising her head and eyes to heaven. Whilst doing this, in a very plaintive quavering tone, she commenced a wailing song, in which she was joined by her companions. I was afterwards initiated into this, and now give a specimen of a funeral lament: -
Taku hei he piripiri (my fragrant bundle the piripiri) Taku hei moki-moki (my fragrant bundle the mokimoki) Taku hei tawiri (my fragrant bundle the tawiri) Taku kati taramea (my sweet juice of the taraniea) Te hei o te pounamu (the companion of the greenstone) I haramai ai - e (is gone - alas, upon) I runga te angai-ia-ana (the angai-e-).
It was the tangi, or wail for the dead. But at this period I knew nothing of Maori customs or ceremonies, and my very hair began to rise with horror as I thought perhaps they might be celebrating some human sacrifices. Our fear kept us quiet. In the thick bush we lay watching the scene, overshadowed by the gloom of a gigantic kauri-tree, and wishing ourselves anywhere but in our present predicament. When the sorrowful song was ended, and the females had entered the whare, we noiselessly strove to retrace our steps, and chance favouring us, we came out a mile or two from where the sawyers were at work. As I afterwards discovered, no duty is so sacred or so obligatory as the interment of the dead, no trouble being considered too great, no expense too excessive, no lamentation too extreme to testify to the respect in which the deceased was held on earth, and to raise him in the estimation of the mysterious spirits to whom he had gone. Taua Makia sometimes went with us fishing to induce the prey to come upon hooks by the constant chanting of Karakias or incantations, supposed to have a very potent influence over the finny tribe. I cannot say we were ever very successful when he was with us, since the noise he made and the fishing gear he would insist upon employing were neither conducive to lure the fish to our bait, nor to hold them when they were hooked. But this, of course, may have been merely an ignorant pakeha's prejudice, since many a lusty kahawai or schnapper, have I caught with a hook made from a dead man's bone. Don't wince, reader; better, is it not, to be put to some use after death, than to feed a legion of hungry worms.
We began to mix a little with the natives when ashore, and I grew more familiarised with their ways. We attended their baptisms, He Tohi, and gave presents to the infant, that it never enjoyed; we consulted the Niu, or divining sticks, whether we should reach home in safety; we were present at their marriage tauas, when the bride was carried off by main force sometimes minus her clothing, finally we were guests at their hakaris, or feasts, and could vouch for the excellence of Maori culinary skill. But we shall have enough of these in the course of the narrative, the reader shall eat and drink to his heart's content but at present we must keep to the thread of our story.
In a fortnight the sawyers had finished their work ashore, a week more completed the repairs aboard, and whatever little trade we had carried on completed, the skipper thought of standing out to sea again. In some mysterious way or other, I had offended the old bosun of our ship, and he had persecuted me with most relentless malice. Nothing I could do was right, the rope's end was my daily sauce, and complaints about my laziness were continually being carried to the captain. At length one day, irritated by their constant occurrence, he said when another of my misdeeds was laid before him, “String him up then, and give him a dozen.” This was just what the bosun wanted; and in a trice he strung me up to the mast, and a good round dozen I received, being only released when nearly fainting with pain and shame. He had got the best of it just now; my day of retribution came again. Now, this method of instructing me in navigation was by no means to my taste, and as two of our men had absconded the day previous, concealed, as was thought, in the bush, I imagined I could emulate their example, perhaps, to join them. At least, I should first go to the Endeavour, as she lay nearer the shore, if not, the bush it must be. Therefore, waiting my opportunity, about 3 o'clock one morning I slipped overboard and swam noiselessly to the companion ship. As I came alongside puffing and blowing, thoroughly exhausted with the long swim, and almost inclined to give up the business, the carpenter, who was acting as bosuns mate in the Endeavour for the time, saw me, and flung me a rope, by which I climbed on deck. I told him my story, and as he was a decent sort of a fellow, he was slipping me quietly along the deck to the foc'sle, when the second mate saw us and demanded to know what I wanted there. With my usual readiness, I invented a tale of a morning swim and exhaustion, but the story would not hold water, and the captain was informed of my arrival. As soon as morning broke he sent over to the Harwich, telling Captain Simmons that I was on board his vessel, and about nine our skipper came over with two men to take me back. Reluctantly enough I went, as I knew a flogging was in store for me, but to my surprise the captain only took me into his cabin and rated me soundly for my foolhardiness in risking my life thus, telling me I escaped a flogging by his having discovered many of the bosuns stories to be untrue. My condition was now better on board, as I was taken aft, and kept under the captain's own eye. My enemy, the bosun, was speechless with rage, yet he was powerless now to do me harm.
About a week after this the Endeavour sailed, Captain Walker having come on board the Harwich and taken a very friendly farewell of our skipper, and a fortnight afterwards we followed suit, going back to our old cruising ground at the Three Kings. The weather was very uncertain and squally, so that we did not see any whales; therefore we stretched over to Norfolk Island, and speedily were busy at work.
The first day we arrived we secured three whales, which we cut in and tried out, the third day two more, and the fifth day another. Then our luck seemed to change, and not a solitary fish could we see for an entire month. We tried all our former grounds, Curtis' Island, Moreton Bay, Three Kings, to no purpose, only when off the East Cape did we catch sight of a small whale, which we secured but only got one barrel of oil from it. The weather now began to be very stormy; winter was at its depth, and the air was piercingly cold. Therefore Captain Simmons concluded to break the cruise, to run for Sydney, discharge his cargo of oil, and commence anew. Another consideration, also, was that several of the men were very ill with scurvy and dysentry - in fact, the crew was only at half at its usual complement, therefore the cry was “about ship,” and “Sydney ho!”
It was whilst running home before a fine fresh breeze, that one night we were knocked up by Mr Hawkins singing out, “Ship on fire on the weather bow.” The shock was electrical. Everyone bundled out of their hammocks and rushed on deck. There on the horizon was a grand and terrible spectacle. A large ship was burning from stem to stern, lighting up the gloom of the winter's night for miles around, throwing a deep lucid glare over the inky ocean. The flames were bursting up the hatches, were licking the masts and spars, were peeping out in little forked tongues through the portholes. The captain ordered lights to be burned at the masthead, blank charges to be fired from the guns every minute, and the jolly-boat to be manned and to go in search of survivors. In an hour our efforts were rewarded by three boat-loads of fear-stricken men boarding us and asking reception. They informed us that the burning ship was the “Lady Lucy” from Sydney to London, that she had caught fire when a week out, from a burning candle falling into an oil cask, and that over 50 lives had already been lost through the capsizing of two of their boats. Captain Simmons made them welcome, and a few days after we reached Sydney, where they were taken in hand by the Government and forwarded home by the next vessel. Thus ended my voyage in the Harwich, perhaps the most pleasant of all my trips.
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2023.06.03 22:34 Wide_Bedroom_7776 WIBTAH For Exposing Them?
I've been trying to figure out where on reddit I should put this but here goes nothing; this is a throwaway account and it's going to be a very long one. For a bit of context I'm in a polyamorous "relationship" where there is also an extremely large age gap among the three of us. I (21F) met my partners, lets call them Collen (46F) and Doug (56M) the beginning of January 2021. My friends kept pushing for me to go out and meet someone and have some fun so I signed up for a dating app not expecting much to come of it because of my "unique" type romantically. I'm completely into the age gap relationship thing so I raised the age on my search to 30-50. and with my luck two swipes in and there she was; beautiful blonde with greenish-blue eyes a great smile. I swiped so fast I couldn't stop myself, and it came back saying that she had also swiped right on me too. I didn't exactly take the time to thoroughly read through the profile because after the mutual swiping I decide to read the profile a little bit more, and it turned out to be a couple. Maybe I should've backed out then but in my mind it was like yolo why not. They are both attractive and who knows maybe it'll be a fun fling to have from time to time until I feel ready to find someone to settle with. I'd never heard of polyamory or any of the things that come with it so I was basically going in blind. So we connected and initially It was just chatting with her through the app getting to know what they were looking for and things like that. She then suggested that I add him on snapchat so I could talk to him as well and do a video chat verification of myself. So I did and to my surprise I'd hit it off with him too. It was like I could talk to him about any and everything. Deep conversations came easily with him. They both reassured me they wouldn't force me to go too fast or do anything I don't want to do. Made me feel very comfortable from the get go. Eventually the whole conversation moved to snapchat they created a group chat and I could text them separately whenever. I mostly spoke with him separately and she would really only respond in the group. I met up with him about a month later. She couldn't come along as she had to stay home with their daughter but gave us her blessing to have fun and tell her about it tomorrow. It was a great time we talked sat by the water till almost 5am. Another month in they invited me over to their place so we could all be together and I of course accepted. When I got there I was shocked to have been greeted at the door by the two of them and their daughter. For another reference I love kids and have been helping my siblings and other family members raise theirs since I was 6 and I'd told them about that as well, But still it threw me for a loop because it'd only been 3 months they still don't know too too much about me and we all knew I wasn't exactly coming over to just "have dinner and watch movies" and it seemed strange to me. We had dinner and it was nice we laughed a lot and all got along pretty good. When it got later in the night Colleen put their daughter to bed and Doug and I went to their bedroom. She joined us and we got busy and in the midst of it I began to bleed as apart of this health condition I have which they were aware of, and they immediately stopped to care for me clean me up an make sure I was ok and insisted that I sleep over for the night. They grabbed a blow up bed and set it up in their room for me. That simple gesture did something in my heart. I come from a pretty fucked up broken abusive home some of which they'd also known about so no one had ever really taken care of me like that before until them. Immediately my heart was absolutely sure this wouldn't be a one time fling like i'd thought. Fast forward some time everything was going pretty well. We all talked, sent pictures etc in the group and then I'd come over their place again and we'd have a good time I'd either sleep over and go home, and the cycle just continued on like that. Now up until May there had never been a title placed on what we had going on, so I wasn't too hopeful it'd stay on the same track it was on. Then at about the end of May he asks me to be their girlfriend. Says it's something they both want and again blindly going through with it I said yes, but looking back I should've asked her myself if that was really what she also wanted and maybe I could've saved myself the heart ache. So now we are officially in a relationship and everything is going fairly well.. Fast forward to 2022 about end of July maybe early into August. She started to become... distant small stuff at first like not wanting to have sex because she wasn't feeling well which I completely understood never would I make her feel bad for that. Then it became not wanting to be in the same room as me. Like Doug their daughter and I would be in the living room watching a movie or something just hanging out and she'd leave and go into their bedroom and wouldn't come back out until dinner or it was time for their daughter to go bed so she could tuck her in. It started to make me feel... weird and I couldn't bring myself to ask her what was going on, but Doug would continue to reassure me that she was attracted to me she loved being with me. I wanted to believe him but I couldn't in my heart and due to past trauma I didn't want to face if she'd say no. Now don't get me wrong she and I spent time together just the two of us. Sunday's she and I would go out shopping but you could cut the tension with a knife during those rides sometimes. I wanted to say something but Doug had prior told me about a girl from their past who hurt her and left her emotionally stunted with women so I alway tried my hardest to make sure I didn't do that to her and didn't do anything to cause her any discomfort sort of letting her come into it on her own. Plus she showed her love in other ways with catering to me buying me things particular to what I love. She'd said I love you verbally to me on 2 separate occasions which she apparently doesn't do. So I just could never find the right time to do so. Then Doug started searching on the app again for other women to add to it. He liked to watch and they'd had foursomes with other women where he would watch them with Colleen and take videos that have been shown to me before. I didn't know how I felt about this so I just went along with to see where it would go. Luckily it has never gone beyond a texting conversation among them although we have come close a few times. Anyways end of October early November of 22. Everything was so completely off between she and I felt it every time I would go over to their house. I didn't know what to do or how to address it. It was starting to really take a toll on me mentally. And they were also planning to move to another state where her family is and that caused me to worry more then before because I would not be going with them, who is to say that they won't meet another woman or women on the app and brush me off to the side numerous thoughts went through my mind over this. Plus it would be close to her father and best friend so she is definitely going to want to spend a great amount of time with them and there would be no real way to explain who I am to them considering I'm hispanic and they are White so it wouldn't be easy to play it off and none of them know that she is into women and that they are apart of the lifestyle not even her best friend. (This information is important to my point) Then one night Doug was driving me back to my house and he told me she had cried in their bedroom that morning while I was still asleep because she is uncomfortable in her body and uncomfortable around me. Flat out my heart sank and in my mind all I could think was how could you love and be with someone but not be comfortable around them or even talk to them about it, and you're moving to a new state you pretty much are going to want nothing to do with me. This triggered my abandonment issues like nothing else ever could and they knew of this issue and my need for reassurance I thought they would understand my need to know especially Doug since he questioned constantly if I was happy with our relationship and the age gap and if i wanted to leave I reassured him constantly that I couldn't go anywhere. I cried that night and decided to open the app myself just to find someone to talk to or even distract me for a moment nothing extreme. It escalated and i did cheat emotionally and I kissed the girl but that was it at that time. I felt bad and I am terrible at lying so eventually the truth exposed itself. the day of it was like she could feel something was going to change she came out of their room to where I was on the couch and just made out with me out of the blue. I didn't know what to do. Let's just say the truth revealed itself on that drive home that night and we broke up... for 18 days. I tried to move on with my life because every one was telling me to since the age gap and a bunch of other factors as well so I did and ended up being set up to be raped twice. needless to say my faith in humanity is gone on that end. so I tried one last time to talk to him and work things out. I did and by Christmas we were back together and working on getting better. Now here we are June 2023 they've found a house they will be moving into in just a few weeks. I've been helping them clean and pack up their old home a few times during this process. Doug swears nothing will change but everything will especially considering technically I'm only now in a romantic relationship with Doug and Colleen and I.. I don't even know if you could call it a friendship. Things are hitting that weird point again and he has met another girl on the app he wants him and I to meet and play with its only been 2 days and she's basically giving herself up to him as a submissive which he loves and gave the both of them access to her remote vibrator to pleasure her with which of course he had to tell me about. Now with all o that back ground out of the way here comes the real reason for my post. Despite all of the things I said above there are many red flags about them that I continually overlooked because of the lovers gaze i had on them. Including and I'm not proud of it pedo.... and incest (they both swear they'd never really cross that line with their daughter but I am not 100% sure I believe especially after he told me why he lost his old job) Especially with Doug he even talks about how things would've been if they would've raised me when he would've started wanting to play with me. I'm not proud that I stayed and overlooked those things part of me knows I stay to protect their daughter from them, and the other knows I stay because I trauma bonded myself onto them and can't get away. I'm not even attracted to anyone outside of them yes it is that bad. Lately things have been so confusing and tossed up i am ready to call it quits. (I am a hyper aware person to a default so I know when someone is trying to manipulate and play mind games with me which is what she is doing and I let them think they are succeeding and him he is just attracted to how young and hyper sexual I can be when we are together.) but not before I set a few little fires. I've curated a plan to send a letter to her father, and best friend. As well as his siblings (his parents are diseased) detailing what they've done and thus ultimately outting her as bisexual to them which I know is wrong but after the emotional and psychological abuse they instilled upon me it seems appropriate. Before she married him She was having a fling with her bosses sister at her bosses house. I know the bosses name and have her information so I could send her an email with the detailed story. Of course that is not grounds to fire her but it will cause enough tension and discomfort in my eyes. She is also adopted and recently found her bio moms family; I have their information as well and plan to give them a thorough warning about their estranged family member and what comes with her since they do explicit talk about the family members they would fuck including children of their cousins etc.. It is a toss up considering her father and best friend may be completely supportive of her and not cause any harm there. This won't repair the abuse they've done to me or help me heal but I took the higher road and over looked so many things for 3 years. Someone has to stop them in their tracks so they never do what they did to me to another woman again. WIBTAH?
submitted by Wide_Bedroom_7776
to AITAH [link] [comments]
2023.06.03 22:33 wt_anonymous My hometown is a shell of its former self
I was raised in a relatively small city, population between 10-20k. Over the past decade ago it's actually become a bit of a tourist attraction because it's one of the few cities with any sense of walkability where I live, and for a few other reasons.
It's honestly a shell of its former self though. The high school, which was once a few blocks from the downtown, is way further out now. They needed a bigger school and chose to build it far away with two huge parking lots... so the former high school is now one of the two middle schools. They shut down every form of public transportation in the city. Many many years ago, from what I understand, there was a streetcar system. But even when that closed, there was a bus system. But guess what also closed down a few years ago... there aren't any busses even anymore, and people did use them.
What hurt the most though is how many small businesses are no longer there. The local bakery that sold ice cream in the summer is gone, and nothing ever took its place. There's another ice cream place but the original building has been empty for 4-5 years by my count. There are no local groceries anymore either... over a decade ago, there used to be a local grocery store. My great grandparents shopped there all the time. It wasn't right in downtown but it was reasonably close that someone could walk or even better take a bus. It closed, got run out of business by a chain store even further away. The local deli was sold awhile ago too, it was the last place in honestly a 10 mile radius I could find good quality cuts of meat (chicken especially) at a reasonable price. Supposedly the new owner has plans to reopen but with the trend other stores here have set, I'm not optimistic.
It's sad to see... the reason this place is even remotely popular is completely diluted at this point.
submitted by wt_anonymous
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