My boyfriend and I (both 22) have been dating for over a year and a half. In the beginning, he treated me like a princess, was always the one to initiate and plan, never stopped expressing his love for me and consistently sent sweet text messages. He was always open to hearing my concerns and I felt really secure in the relationship, knowing that he was an active participant.
Recently, some big changes have taken place in both of our lives, and he finds himself wrapped up in coursework, on campus job and partying. I gave him grace but it was getting really uncomfortable knowing that he never made time to call me. I have high standards for men, and I expect at least 10 minutes of conversation every single day. He used to go on family vacations and completely forget about me, and won’t even bother checking up on how I was doing.
Recently, when we hung out with our friends, I was trying to be close to him, like standing in front of him, gently holding his hand under the table and other light forms of PDA. He disengaged from all that I was left feeling like a fool. He was never uncomfortable with PDA before and always made it a point to show me off and overall being territorial in public and I enjoyed it. When I asked him, he said we should keep it low and I felt like more of a friend to him than a partner. He actively shut down this conversation, refusing to hear my concerns and said I was too needy, too emotional and too demanding. He dismissed everything I said, and although he was jetlagged at the time, that was no way of talking to me. He was already “too busy” giving time to everything except his girlfriend and I resented that.
When I sought Reddit’s advice, I got two things:
1) Got called a bunch of names: “needy” “controlling” “insecure” “codependent”
2) Or given advice that was BS: “talk to him” “say directly” “get therapy” “build some self esteem” - bitch, I have healthy self esteem because I don’t wanna settle for less!
None of this was what I was looking for. I felt neglected, underappreciated and taken for granted in my relationship. Then, I got recommended this book, “Reverse Ultimatum” by Mimi Tanner, that basically gives this advice of leaning back and take an extra amount of pressure off to get his ass to move. It asked me to purposely be less available and “busy” for my man, said no to calls, let him text me and not replying back immediately, got involved in all sorts of activities that made me feel better about myself - and he got curious at first and wanted my attention. It felt sooo good to finally have my boyfriend’s real attention instead of the crumbs he was so used to giving.
But I did not back down just yet. I had to be less available to him, had to fake my busy day, to give him the chance to really miss me and become clingy just like I was once. All the while, I wasn’t demanding or needy or passive aggressive. I was as sweet as a peach and that really created that mystery! I was playing the part of a popular celebrity who was living an “Innocent Charmed Life” - and thus my time was money. I appeared happy, attractive and made it a point to “glow” - and he noticed that! I reassured him whenever he asked me of my love for him, and it finally felt good to be the one who WASN’T asking for reassurances.
I leaned back and watched him send flowers, get me coffee, send me desserts, write poems about me, show me off
So yea ladies, this is me proving how you can absolutely “get” your partner to do things for you and have your needs met. Had I not gotten a hold of that book, I wouldn’t have been able to save the relationship. Today, he treats me the way I want to be treated, because he is afraid of losing me, having gotten a taste of what it’s like to miss me. We don’t “miss” things we already have, and this was the reason why I wasn’t “missed” by him. This was really a turning point in my relationship and today I am much happier with him.
TLDR: playing it dirty isn’t all bad

My boyfriend and I (both 22) have been dating for over a year and a half. In the beginning, he treated me like a princess, was always the one to initiate and plan, never stopped expressing his love for me and consistently sent sweet text messages. He was always open to hearing my concerns and I felt really secure in the relationship, knowing that he was an active participant.
Recently, some big changes have taken place in both of our lives, and he finds himself wrapped up in coursework, on campus job and partying. I gave him grace but it was getting really uncomfortable knowing that he never made time to call me. I have high standards for men, and I expect at least 10 minutes of conversation every single day. He used to go on family vacations and completely forget about me, and won’t even bother checking up on how I was doing.
Recently, when we hung out with our friends, I was trying to be close to him, like standing in front of him, gently holding his hand under the table and other light forms of PDA. He disengaged from all that I was left feeling like a fool. He was never uncomfortable with PDA before and always made it a point to show me off and overall being territorial in public and I enjoyed it. When I asked him, he said we should keep it low and I felt like more of a friend to him than a partner. He actively shut down this conversation, refusing to hear my concerns and said I was too needy, too emotional and too demanding. He dismissed everything I said, and although he was jetlagged at the time, that was no way of talking to me. He was already “too busy” giving time to everything except his girlfriend and I resented that.
When I sought Reddit’s advice, I got two things:
1) Got called a bunch of names: “needy” “controlling” “insecure” “codependent”
2) Or given advice that was BS: “talk to him” “say directly” “get therapy” “build some self esteem” - bitch, I have healthy self esteem because I don’t wanna settle for less!
None of this was what I was looking for. I felt neglected, underappreciated and taken for granted in my relationship. Then, I got recommended this book, “Reverse Ultimatum” by Mimi Tanner, that basically gives this advice of leaning back and take an extra amount of pressure off to get his ass to move. It asked me to purposely be less available and “busy” for my man, said no to calls, let him text me and not replying back immediately, got involved in all sorts of activities that made me feel better about myself - and he got curious at first and wanted my attention. It felt sooo good to finally have my boyfriend’s real attention instead of the crumbs he was so used to giving.
But I did not back down just yet. I had to be less available to him, had to fake my busy day, to give him the chance to really miss me and become clingy just like I was once. All the while, I wasn’t demanding or needy or passive aggressive. I was as sweet as a peach and that really created that mystery! I was playing the part of a popular celebrity who was living an “Innocent Charmed Life” - and thus my time was money. I appeared happy, attractive and made it a point to “glow” - and he noticed that! I reassured him whenever he asked me of my love for him, and it finally felt good to be the one who WASN’T asking for reassurances.
I leaned back and watched him send flowers, get me coffee, send me desserts, write poems about me, show me off
So yea ladies, this is me proving how you can absolutely “get” your partner to do things for you and have your needs met. Had I not gotten a hold of that book, I wouldn’t have been able to save the relationship. Today, he treats me the way I want to be treated, because he is afraid of losing me, having gotten a taste of what it’s like to miss me. We don’t “miss” things we already have, and this was the reason why I wasn’t “missed” by him. This was really a turning point in my relationship and today I am much happier with him.
TLDR: playing it dirty isn’t all bad

27 ftm hey/they living in Sheffield (Porterbrook GP clinic (not the GIC) Sheffield 25/5/23) I currently have a prescription and assessment provided by Gender GP, I rang my GP recently to discuss shared cared- my hormone prescription, which I thought was unlikely and blood tests, which I was pretty certain they’d say yes to. They said no to working with Gender GP at all, wouldn’t refer me for a blood test when I said I was worried about levels as they’ve never been taken (6-7months on testosterone gel, 3 months low dose self med, 3-4 months prescription). They also had no suggestions to alternatives or places they would work with, apart from Bupa.
I’m thinking of switching from gender gp to a difference private healthcare provider that my gp will work with, and was wondering any experiences or recommendations of where to join. It’s not sustainable for me to pay for prescriptions, blood tests and everything else, I can’t afford it perpetually and I’m anxious about the future without some support from my GP.

Just a "check-in" - general sharing with others of similar mindset to generate discussion, learn, share, and perhaps get some thoughts on my current focus (finding PCP, finding pvt lab for blood tests).
I am: 50yo male, south asian descent, 162lbs, 5'7", body fat 23% Four horsemen status >> current focus: Decide if start statin

• genetic history of diabetes (mom diagnosed at 42, on insulin since 60yo), hypertension. I am pre-diabetic (a1c 5.8); on Metformin 1000mg/day, Lisinopril 5mg/day (hypertension)
• genetic history of heart disease (dad quad bypass at 42, passed at 62)
  • LDL-C (NIH) = 125 (prev reading high 170 after i started low carb, now back to my long-term)
  • HDL = 35
  • Trig = 160
  • Lp(a) = 44
  • Recent CAC = 0
  • Next step: ApoB, then talk to cardiologist about statin
• No genetic history of cancer, colonoscopy scheduled later this year
• No genetic history of neurodegenerative

Five lever (ENZED) status >> current focus: E(xercise).

• Exercise: Averaging 2 strength training / week, 1 zone 2; aiming to go up to 3 strength, and 2 aerobic (mix of zone 2,5) over next few months. This is my current primary focus on the levers.
• Nutrition: Got a CGM July 2022 and used it to go low carb and train myself to eat better. Lost 15lbs, my Trig fell from 300 to 160. Continuing low-carb. No fasting regimen currently. Take a multivitamin and Omega-3 daily.
• Z (sleep): Average about 7 hours, withings scanwatch consistently reports poor depth of sleep. Wear a prescription mouthguard for sleep apnea. Next step - try CPAP (have it already just haven't been using it). Use 1/2 Advil PM, and 1 Magtein (Magnesium L-threonate) daily.
• Emotions: In a good place. At some point will focus on this to get my meditation practice restarted.
• Drugs: Noted in right places above already. Not really focused on this currently except need to decide re statin as noted above.

Other focus:

• Find a PCP - a continuing journey. Am with One Medical. I tried Wild Health but didn't continue. Currently considering Parsley Health and Five Journeys (a Boston holistic health group of PCPs).
• Figure out how can self-order and do blood tests - want to track my bio markers at higher frequency.

>> Welcome any constructive feedback and any specific advice on my current areas of focus. Plus happy to answer any questions that might help others.

I've been with my gf since 2019. I've been doing all i could to make her happy, i would cook, I would clean, I would ride 9 km on my bike in 20 minutes when she got drunk and wanted to kill herself. I've devoted my whole life for her, the only reason I tried to better myself, i studied and worked was for her. When we started dating i was in a mental ditch and she helped me open up she would listen when i talked about my troubles with self esteem, she would comfort me when i would break down crying afraid that im not good enough.
Three weeks ago she started sexting with some random guy she met that same day.
She told me that she went volounteering in some movie and she men a few guys, who started flirting with her in a way that she described as "any other girl would be disgusted" but she felt like sbd wanted her body and it made her feel good so she flirted back. She said that she got contact to one of the guys and that he's really nice and nerdy, intelligent, depressed on therapy and over all really similar to me, in ger type. Then she said that she thinks she might be polyamorous and she wants to talk dirty with him cus it makes her feel wanted. (Later i also got out of her that she already planned out another meeting w/ him).
(Quick note its not the first time she had someone behind my back. Throughout the first 6 months we were together she was sending nudes to three guys behind my back. Obvs to get attention. I didn't care then but now i can't get the thought of that scenario repeating the third time)
I said that from my pov she isn't polyamorous because she does not love him, she just lies to me and uses him for boosting her self esteem, and that she sould cut contact with him and go to therapy instead using others to feel better.
Later i read their convo.
From the fucking beginning it was forced to be sexual and not by him but by her (i got in contact w/ the guy and he is fucking asexual so he did it only cus she wanted it). I read their messages and it was mostly what i would tell throughout those 4 years to her to show her that i want her cus she had low self esteem, other than that there she send a vibrator pic calling it "a soft pic". She forced the same validation i tried to give her out of someone else, showing me that I'm clearly not enough for her.
She went on a charade of crying and acting like she was bouta kill herself which clearly is manipulation yet she doesn't fucking realize it is. Few days later she started assuring that she still loves me and she will fight for me. She knows that she hurt me really bad and she will listen to my emotions and i won't have to do anything cus she will be the one to take care of me now. And i liked that.
Week later when i have another breakdown (which i have daily now and only way to avoid it is either drinking or playing fallout 2 till i fall asleep) and so far before that she would just hug me and start reassuring me as i instructed her to do. This time she started bitching about it cus "it doesn't motivate her to try" n shit. I was speechless. I started talking something i don't really remember but i said that we shoud stop seeing each other for a while. We gonna meet it 23rd of june.
I don't trust her anymore. I don't know what to do, i feel like i sort of still love her, most the time i hate her for what she did. I can't enjoy anything anymore, i feel like im useless, i can't go on anymore. I want to kill myself. But then i get jealous about her just getting to use me, ruin my life and just go out unharmed and then i want to do a murder suicide. I don't know what to do, i can't go on anymore. Please let me die, i hate it here

Im ugly to the point even subs like toastme or freecompliments have difficulty coming up with compliments, it would mostly be cliche not related to my looks like "its on the inside that counts" meanwhile compliments for hot people on those subs sound more genuine. Because of my fuggly ogre face, i will never get validated even when im at my lowest, i just want to burn my fuggly caveman looking face. I could only be an invisible fuggly 3/10 butterface at best if i do put immense effort into my looks, could still never get long term genuine relationship so i will be rotting alone miserably forever all because God had to curse me with this fuggly shit face so whats the fuckin point? Attractive people will get sympathy for being depressed meanwhile depressed fuggly people like me are seen as pathetic, will often get told to suck it up and stop throwing pity party even when im at my lowest because of my fuggly caveman face. Fuggly people like me are also normally roasted on subs like amiugly, atleast it happened to me or compliments sound like 'Virtue signalling", they never sound genuine. Therapy will not help fuggly deformed people like me, even others agree with that as well as soon as they see my ugly mug, i will just rot being bitter forever miserably because of my shit genetics and fuggly gorilla face God had to humiliate me with. Since im not another cute girl attention whoring with low self esteem and just happen to be actually ugly, none of the typical platitudes will work on me, genuinely ugly people like me are hopeless.

im 32yo, self diagnosed asd. I always had that issue some others have with hand - my eyes are restless, i dont know where to lay my eyes on. When there is people near me, the focus of my eyesight constantly switching with low period of time. If i force myself to look at something consrantly, i feel my blood pressure rising. And i always aware of my eyesignt, thats exausting. I blame asd, but do belive that hypervigilance play role in this too.

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I was just thinking about how I was a happy kid but somehow I've been depressed ever since around puberty, but honestly nothing awful really happened in my life. I sometimes wonder what went wrong, because while I often assume I was just kinda born this way I forget that I wasn't like this before puberty.
I always had this dark heavy feeling, would be overwhelmed, stressed and anxious about the smallest things, unmotivated, and would cry at the top of a hat. I often felt like I was in fight or flight mode. My brain was foggy with poor concentration and memory compared to earlier. Since antidipressants even years after stopping it's the opposite, it's just feeling flat and not caring enough due to a condition called PSSD and the brain fog got worse.
I can only think of these things changing in those days:
-I had to go to a normal middle school as an autistic person and the teachers their inconsiderateness gave me anxiety and self esteem issues.
-My dads side of the family is kinda negative, low energy and gloomy and seems to get more easily triggered into depression. At first I thought that was all there is to it but the discrepancy between puberty and childhood is so wide. Meanwhile my dads depression getting worse has a clear physical cause and his prior depression makes sense from trauma, neither of the sort was a thing in my life.
-I was probably vitamin D deficient, though I do remember our parents sometimes commanding us to go outside and my parents often took me to the city so probably not constantly.
-I don't really seem to want to be a man but I may be mistaken.
-I had two epileptic seizures (the type where you shut down and shake uncontrollably) and was put on keppra for a few years and slooowly tapered. No seizures have ever followed, the docs said it was likely due to growing too fast or something? (Physically I can see stretch marks so maybe I did :')). Either way they said I had likely "grown out" of it, could stop the meds and should just be careful with certain things just in case a seizure could happen. If I did have another seizure it wouldn't be the type anyone would notice but I doubt it happened.
Now I heard the part of the brain relating to epilepsy is rather linked to depression and the meds to mood issues and that seizures themselves can sometimes make people feel depressed for a while or do the opposite, but those people still have seizures. Could it be a factor after all those years? I'm 26 now.
I often forget I had epilepsy, it was more traumatic to my family than to me (I didn't notice anything, except when I forgot to take my meds then I'd feel woozy), so I often overlook it as a factor.

I am training to be a lawyer and due to qualify in September this year.
I have had some mental health issues over the last 18 months. Obviously I was at pains to keep this from my employer but I was hospitalised after a suicide attempt just before Christmas last year so had to make them aware.
To be clear, they couldn’t have been any more supportive. I have regular check ins, offered time off and flexi-working at any stage I ask and two managers in particular have been available night and day whenever I’ve been particularly low.
Last week I was working from home when one of the partners called me about work related issues. She could clearly tell I was in distress so came to my house after work and ultimately rang an ambulance and came to the hospital with me. Obviously in view of that she has been made privy to the full extent of the issues, including self harm, suicidal thoughts and medication/therapy.
I was then told by HR I am not to return to work for at least the next week, on full pay, take a bit of a firebreak and they could reassess my return later next week.
Essentially I don’t know how to handle this from here. They have been nothing but supportive and kind but I am worried how this affects my reputation, my progression going forward and I am getting increasingly nervous about returning and facing people.
Any advice would be much appreciated.

I have recently let go of my FWB and it feels GREAT!!!
Since we started seeing eachother my close friends told me to quit things with this guy. Just so you know, he is 14 years older than me. They advised me to leave him because he showed many red flags, and was toxic as hell. He also treated me like a puppet and used me to his convinience. I was kinda into him and wouldn't let go. I always thought things would evolve and get better. Guess what? They never did.
This guy only wanted sex and it was pretty obvious. He only texted me when HE was horny and wanted to meet to have sex. I say "HE" because when I did he ignored me. He ghosted me. He didn't care. It was all about him and his preferences. Maybe he thought that because he was older he could treat me like shit and I would respect him. He felt entitled to do so for nearly 2 months. And I was stupid enough to chase him. Because of course, he wanted to chased. He never approached me, it was always me who intiated conversations through text, except for when we agreed to meet, the previous days he would text first to see how I was doing and if I could get him horny. We couldn't even have a "hello, how are you" conversation. Because he wasn't even interested eventhough I tried. He lied to me telling me he would be out of the city for the weekend when he actually was in the city and pretty close to where I live. He promised to take me out for dinner and he never did. He ignored all my messages about that promise. When I left his home he wasn't even able to go up to the door with me and say goodbye. He even tried to force me into anal and a bj I had refused, putting his dick on my face and rubbing it all over. It was nasty af and I kept turning my face. Then he accused me about lying, saying that I had promised to suck it. After that encounter he stopped texting me. He didn't like that I didn't do what he asked. I wasn't enough for him and his preferences.
What made me feel so attached was that face to face he was like an angel. He was innocent and nice. He treated me good and would ask about my life. When we were in bed after sex he would touch me gently and we would talk for hours about our lives. He complemented me and said he loved to touch my skin. He agreed with everything I said and would defend me if I told him someone had hurt me. That made me be so into him. Because he was respectful. However, he kicked me out of his house one night at 2 AM after inviting me to stay over. And still I kept on trying to chase him and wanting more from him. I realize now how stupid I was. How low my self esteem must have been for me to do that. I did not respect myself at all.
Talking about what I felt, it was toxic and hurtful. I kept thinking that he only treated ME like this because I was ugly or worthless. Also too young and didn't have his ideal job. I kept thinking that maybe a prettier woman would have been more respected and not treated like a sexual object. That I was always his second option. Many times I felt like I wanted to cry because he wouldn't answer or wouldn't like me enough to go out with me.
The other day my angel friends came by and sat me down. They told me it was toxic and it was hurting me deeply. They told me to approach him one last time if I wanted, but if he didn't answer back that I MUST delete him everywhere. and forget him. He never answered and I did it. I was afraid of how hurt and broken I would feel. But it felt so GOOD. I was FREE again. I was not attached to a monster and player. It felt like he had disappeared from my mind. I no longer had to see him ever again. It made me so freaking happy.

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In a lot of past life regressions that ive seen, i noticed this repeating pattern. The recently deceased souls almost always being told that they must go back either in order "to evolve", or to "fix their karma", to "pay for their sins", etc.
Similarly, we can observe the same repeating pattern being present in near death experiences. They get told that it's not their time, that they must to go back, that they have to do this and that. In a lot of cases, many people vehemently refused to go back as they felt a great sense of freedom, since they no longer occupied the very limiting physical body. They say that they were able to fly around and not feel any kind of pain that they were feeling while occupying the physical body. That is probably our natural state of being. We're not supposed to be locked up in physical bodies. But back to my point. Even though they refused to go back, they were forcefully sent back against their will (consent doesn't play a role?). It's like when a cow manages to escape the farm, but is eventually caught by it's captors and sent back against it's will.
The reason they are so successful in managing us is because of the constant programming, brainwashing and indoctrination that takes place while we occupy the physical bodies. And also because of the saviour programming. You always have a "master", "god", "spirit guide", who seeks to take charge of your experiences. What motivates them do this? What motivates them do this is the fact that they benefit from us being put in physical bodies and living inside the farm, just like a human farmer benefits from having as many cows as possible in his farm, because they offer something that it's captor finds valuable, which is milk. We also offer them something in the form of energetic food. You probably know what it is.
Religion as well as the New Age movement are some of the biggest psyops ever perpetrated on humanity. They don't care which one of their psyops you fall for, as long as you fall for one.
The New Age "fixing your karma" notion is the equivalent of the "paying for your sins" notion from religion. They want you to feel guilty, because if you do then this guilt will be used against you in order to convince you to go back. You will think you're doing "what is right".
The New Age "spirit guide" notion is the equivalent of the "angel" notion from religion.
The New Age "higher self" notion is the equivalent of the "God" notion from religion.
Same type of stuff being presented to you in a similar way, by different movements.
Both of these psyops offer an external saviour. People believe in this saviour because of their previous saviour programming which took place for decades and decades. This "saviour" really cares about you too. If you don't do as told, they threaten to send you to hell where you'll suffer for eternity. This so called "saviour" is such a loving, understanding, and compassionate being. The sad truth that no one wants to hear is that there are no external saviours that truly seek to help us in any way.
This low vibratory third dimension is a place where you have to consume other beings in order to survive. Therefore, each being tries their best to deceive their prey in order to capture and consume it. Imagine the amount of suffering happening on a daily basis in the animal kingdom. You either kill so you can survive, or you are killed so that your killer survives. No matter who wins, there is suffering, and therefore loosh. Chameleons are able to change their color to adjust to their environment, so that their prey doesn't detect them until it's too late. The anglerfish uses light in order to deceive, captivate and attract their prey. Spiders use web and wait for the fly to get stuck. There are so many examples such as these from the wild. Us humans do the same thing to lots of animals. We deceive them in order to capture them and feed off of them (example, fishing). Humans also deceive each other in order to advance in life. Would an all loving being create a place like this? Who's to say that other beings from different species won't use some elaborate tactics and lies to deceive us in order to capture us, imprison us, and feed off of us, just like animals do to each other, and just like we do to animals?
Those who have not been successfuly brainwashed and programmed by the archnonic system, speculate that this realm is not the creation of a benevolent creator, and for good reasons. There are too many red flags about this place, and there is too much evidence confirming these suspicions. The truth is right in our faces in my opinion. "God" is not who we are told, but since the perceptions of reality of billions and billions of people around the world have been successfully brainwashed and programmed by the archonic movements, they worship and give their energy to the very being that feeds off of their misery. The Gnostics refer to this being as the Demiurge, a psychopath pretending to be the one and only God.
No one will ever come to save us. We kill billions of animals on a daily basis. Think about that for a second. Billions of animals on a daily basis, not a week, a month, or a year. Have the so called "benevolent beings" ever intervened and saved animals from what we're doing to them? Nope. Humans have been enslaving, imprisoning and feeding off of animals for millions of years. Just like no one intervened to save them, no one will intervene to save us. Most people believe that there is an external saviour "coming soon" (just 2 more weeks) because of the saviour programming that they've received throughout their lives. Therefore our only option is to rely on ourselves, band together, and figure out what some of the possible solutions might be to escape the reincarnation cycle and this cruel "game" called life. This place is impossible to fix, we can't go against nature, or against the way it was designed to be.
Who are these beings that tell us what we have to do? Who are they to take charge of our experiences? Who are these beings that appear to be able to send us back against our will, as shown in NDEs? Who are these beings that act like astral snake oil salesmen who always give us all these reasons about why we have to go back? Well, you probably know who the are and what they need from you.
As above so below, folks.

Thanks to "Sithking Zero" on the NoP Discord for editing help.
Memory transcription subject: Tellek , Farmer
Date [standardized human time]: January 19th, 2137
Has it really come to this, am I really this desperate?
I was, for all intents and purposes, broke. The last harvest had been terrible, in addition to the one before that, which was practically a deathblow for my new farmstead. The debts and missed payments had started to pile up, and I was one more bad harvest away from going completely bankrupt.
Like so many farmers before me, I was becoming another victim of the 5 harvest curse.
I told you that starting a new farm was a bad idea.
What was I supposed to do, brain, keep working in the office until I died?
I sat on my chair, surrounded by other farmers who were presumably in similar states of desperation, the room we were in akin to the schoolrooms I had been in as a pup; a desk and whiteboard up front sitting in front of the rows of chairs. Most of the twenty or so figures around me were fellow Venlil, except for a handful of Gojid and even a single Yotul who was sitting in the back, all of us awaiting the start of the ‘lesson’.
They claimed they had a solution to our problem, that they knew how to increase our yields. How could a predator know how to fix our farming issues?.
Human. Human Human Human Human. Not a predator.
Yes yes I know, I’m trying to be better about that.
I stopped my train of thought and corrected myself. Ever since the revelations about many of our allies being former predators, I had been making an effort to stop thinking of the world in terms of predator and prey. It was difficult at times, but given that I was working against a lifetimes worth of lies, I thought I was making good progress..
But even if “Predator” wasn’t the curse it used to be, how could a human claim to know how to fix our farming issues? Even if we ignored the differences between our diets, for all their advantages, humans were still far below our technological advancements.
Almost on cue, the door to the room opened up, and the figure of the human who had invited us here entered with an enthusiastic bounce, caring two large cases covered with black cloth
Unlike most, this human was unmasked, its piercing eyes and beaming teeth filled smile visible for all to see. I could feel the room start to fill with panic. Sure, logically I knew I was probably safe, but seeing the unmasked features of an apex predator caused fear to grip the edge of my heart.
I could proudly say I can walk past and interact with masked humans without wanting to flee anymore, but seeing those forward-facing eyes boring a hole into my soul was another task altogether.
Come on, you should be better than this.
I’m trying, ok!
"Hello everyone. My name is Joseph. I'm an ecology student, and I'm here to provide a solution to your farming yields." The human spoke with an unbridled joy, seeming to wait a moment while our translators attempted to explain what Ecology was, stopping half way through and seemingly giving up.
“You might be wondering why I’m unmasked, well we’re going to be covering a lot of ‘predatory’ concepts today, so if you can’t handle this? We’re gonna have bigger problems.” Joseph took a moment to broadly gesture to himself, leaving a feeling of dread to start in the pit of my stomach.
If this was just the start, what exactly was going to happen here?
Silence! Wait and see, knowing humans it’s probably interesting at the very least.
“I’ve finally been given authorization to start a trial of this program. Both the UN and Venlil governments are very interested in increasing food supply for both our people. As you might know we’re kinda at war, and logistics wins wars.”
The human paused for a moment, a shiver running around most of the room as he gave a large beaming smile.
“So to start: paws, claws, or tails up if you know about the ‘5 harvest curse.’”
The room immediately was filled with Federation species all raising their prospective limbs in affirmation. Of course we all knew what it was, that was why most of us were here.
How would the human know about that?
Basic research, simple reading, asking literally any farmer?
“Fantastic! I’m still going to explain it so we’re all on the same page. The ‘5 harvest curse’ is a phenomenon where new farms on Venlil prime often fail within the first five harvests. On a side note, the coincidental fact that five has a religious contention in Venlil culture is neat.”
I could feel an annoyance start to course through me, that the affliction currently driving me to destitution was being described as ‘neat’ by the callous predator. I mean human.
Stupid human.
Joseph either didn’t pick up or ignored my annoyance as he pressed a button, a graph appearing on the whiteboard showing expected yields over time, continuing on in his seemingly endless enthusiasm.
“So in general the five harvest curse follows a standard pattern of yields, with the first two harvests being up to 52% larger than even more established farms, plummeting after that until the business is non-viable and collapses. Officially the reason for this is unknown, with some vague religious stupidity about new farms being too far away from the center of the habitable strip.”
This was nothing new to me, I remembered feeling the joy of the sheer output from my first harvest, of wondering if I could finally make something of myself, a joy that had been whittled down as my last two harvests had been pitiful.
“However there’s an interesting thing, if you also plot the number of predator sightings during this time against the yields, you can see a direct correlation between number of predators and the success of each harvest.”
Wait, what? Is this human trying to say that predators… increase harvest? That can’t be right, that can’t be right at all. That would be insanity.
The data is literally there in front of you.
Yet it was there on the screen, a second graph had appeared on the whiteboard, tracking predator sightings over time in each of the farms afflicted by the curse.
“This tracks with most farms' general lifecycle. You buy a plot of untamed land on the edge of the habitable zone but you don’t have enough money to go full anti-predator. As the harvests come in you end up spending more and inadvertently messing it up.”
This caused a small amount of murmuring and energetic rejection by myself and the other members of the room, wiping away the previous undercurrent of fear. It was insanity, it went against everything I had ever known or been taught about farming and how the world worked. How could a predator of all things be beneficial?
Didn’t the introduction of humans also go against everything I had ever known or been taught about?
“If this effect is so obvious, how has nobody found this before?”
The sound of a Venlil challenging Joseph was greeted by murmurs of agreement from the group, causing the human to give a different kind of smile. Not a smile of joy or excitement as had been seen before, but the smile of someone who had something for this.
“Because you have. 150 years ago, a Venlil named Slavek wrote a paper regarding this. 119 years ago, Vicktal did the same. As well as Traval, Stralan, and Vilkin in between then and now. Those are just the ones I’ve found. Who can guess what happened to them?”
There was a pause, before the uplift in the back spoke up for the first time, a surety in the Yotul’s voice.
“They were diagnosed with predator disease.”
Joseph pointed at the Yotul in the back with both hands, the joy radiating from him.
“Based Space Kangaroo gets 10 points for being correct! Yep the federation has been actively suppressing anything that suggests that predators are more than some kind of eldritch evil, that and your surprising lack of hydroponics causes most planets to be dependent on the core worlds for food imports. Probably by design for control.”
Wait… that’s a good point, why aren’t we using hydroponics?
The human took a moment to switch to the next slide, showing a simple three part cycle.
“Most healthy ecological systems are made up of three parts: Plants, which are eaten by herbivores, which are in turn eaten by carnivores. In reality actual systems are far more complex than these, but as a basic understanding this will suffice. These three parts keep each other in check, each part dependent on the other, which-”
“Are you trying to say that predator attacks are a good thing? Are you suffering from predator disease?! ”
The Venlil interrupted once again to more murmured agreement, causing Joseph to give a sigh of clear annoyance in response. I wished the Venlil would shut up and just let the human talk.
“No, I’m not suggesting we airdrop a bunch of Nissa into the Capital, I'm explaining how natural systems work. Sapience obviously breaks this cycle, which if you deviate too far, you end up with something called trophic cascade."
The human seemed to wait a moment for the translator to once again fail to explain the meaning of the phrase.
I wonder how many basic concepts the federation lacks words for…
"Rather simply, the removal of one of these pieces has wider effects, reducing biodiversity and in many cases causing a complete ecological collapse. An example of this is the dust bowl effect, something the federation is well acquainted with."
There was a moment before the whiteboard changed before showing pictures of desolate barren worlds. Without any explanation I knew exactly what I was looking at. It was one of the… lesser talked about aspects of the federation.
"The Skivit grand herd are a species who go from planet to planet stripping ecosystems bare, devouring everything down to the smallest sapling. This removes important root systems that act as drainage, causing flooding and deserts to form as new plantlife lacks the structure to grow. In many cases these ecosystems are permanently destroyed, turning once lush planets into lifeless husks”.
I couldn’t help but feel sorrow for those planets. It was well known the impact the Skivit had on planets, once thriving planets of beauty. Although if I was following this human’s logic correctly did that mean…
“Now I’m not suggesting that the Skivit need a predator, that would be immoral.” Joseph cut off the thought I was about to have, seemingly understanding the logical thought many of us had picked up on. “But instead this is a real life example of damage an unchecked herbivore can have on ecosystems. If the Skivit didn’t have FTL travel they would have long ago driven themselves to starvation under their current society. It’s also not the only form of this trophic cascade.”
“Surely this doesn’t just apply to prey? Or are you saying prey are somehow inferior?”
The sound of the Gojid cutting in was filled with an unspoken challenge against the idea, inciting general sounds of agreement from those around him. Surprisingly however, Joseph seemed to respond positively.
“That is entirely correct, an overabundance of carnivorous species can also cause their own issues. Keep in mind what I’m describing here is an extremely simplified version, just the addition or removal of a single species can cause untold damage and harm to the diversity of ecological systems as the impacts are felt in the most seemingly unlikely cases.”
With that the human reached under the desk, taking one of the two covered containers he had brought with him and placing it into view.
“In Venlil Prime’s case, while the impact of Federation thinking has been reduced due to the day and night sides being mostly untouched, you still have the problem of overpopulation of certain species, and a lack of reasonable fear response from certain prey species. This has accumulated into the problem you all face.”
With that he removed the cover, causing a surge of fear to ripple through the participants around me until we all calmed down at what was underneath: A small cage, containing a single red bird busily eating seeds.
All farmer’s arch nemesis.
“This is a Flowerbird, a seed eating avian often coming in solid red, blue, or green. They are adorable, dumb as a sack of bricks and food motivated to a fault. They are also one of the biggest causes of farm yield destruction, with these birds alone being responsible for around about 41% of all losses. If we include Voidpins and other similar wildlife, farms can have up to 94% of their yield destroyed before they even get to harvest.”
Everyone in this room was familiar with the cursed avians. While your average city dweller would enjoy the sight of a flock of Flowerbirds, the farming community knew of them as a blight that devastated crops.
Joseph took a moment to open the cage, reaching inside and grabbing the bird. A small part of me wondered if he was about to devour it in front of us, before I tamped down on such an illogical idea. Of course the humans wouldn’t, we knew they didn’t do that. The Flowerbird also seemed completely unfazed about being in the meaty grasp of a predator, simply continuing to eat.
“Even worse, these things have basically zero fear response to noises and large beasts, probably due to all major predators having been removed. As you can see this specimen doesn’t mind a ‘scary predator’ grabbing it. As long as it has food, it couldn’t care less. This makes pest control tricky, as scaring them away is no longer an option. Poisons would be used in such a case, but they can have wider ranging effects, and poisoning prey is considered ‘Predatory’, not that many of you haven’t tried ‘accidentally’ leaving potential pesticides out.”
This caused a sway of discomfort to sweep through the room, tails switching in guilty movements as everyone tried to hide the truth of this human’s words. I knew I personally had considered such actions in desperation.
I mean, would ‘accidently’ leaving out a known poisonous chemical really be a sign of predator disease?
“Ha! I know enough tail language to know I’m right, that’s guilt isn’t it? I’ve read your internet, I know your discussions on loopholes about what is and isn’t predatory!” Joseph cried out in triumph as many of the Venlil of the room reached out to grab their traitorous appendages. “Now normally I would just tell people to stop being idiots, but in this case we can’t do that. Ironically because predators are actually dangerous. Because of your slaughter the only species left are ones aggressive and smart enough to survive. Shadestalkers are legitimately dangerous and can’t be left to interact with the farming community because people will die.”
The words from Joseph all sounded so… reasonable at this point. However, I, along with the rest of the room, were all desperately waiting for the other paw to drop. Because there would be, humans always had something they were about to do.
Almost in response to our thoughts the human placed the second container on the desk, covering up the first in response.
“Humans have dealt with this problem in a simple way, a way that our Yotul friend over there will know of. I need all of you to please remain calm and orderly, and to remember that you’re perfectly safe and there’s no need to overreact or panic. Humans dealt with this pest problem, through the use of safe predators.”
Before anyone could properly react to those words, the cover of the second container was removed, showing… a predator. An actual one, not a human but an actual real threat. Small piercing front facing yellow eyes attached to a brown feline form, sulking from the cage it was being held in.
Speh speh speh speh that’s a PREDATOR, A FERAL PREDATOR
If it was a danger the human wouldn't have-
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO DO NOT LIKE NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.
The panic in the room was immediate. Sapient human predators we had gotten used to, but none sapient ones were another deal entirely. Chaos started to spread as the 7 in the front row got up, pushing themselves up against the back wall as everyone else in the room did the same. Three Venlil made the choice to bolt out of the room, rushing past the human and his tiny devourer, while another clean fainted, hitting the floor with a thud. One even decided to take things further, jumping out of the singular window attached to the far wall in a frantic motion.
I could feel fear overwhelm me, desperately staring at the feline and waiting for it to make its move. What was the human thinking, it was going to attack at any moment, it was going to-
“STOP, Stop this stupidity. Right. NOW!”
The stern commanding voice of Joseph caused everyone in the room to freeze. The calm enthusiastic demeanor of the predator was gone, replaced with an emotion I’d never actually seen a human show before: anger.
“It has been six months! Do you really still believe that the UN or the Venlil government would put you in actual danger? You’re still thinking based on your stupid fascist Federation propaganda. Thinking that tells you that the Yotul are primitive, or the Venlil are weak. Propaganda that says genetically modifying people against their will is morally OK”
I knew that humans normally bared their teeth in joy, as a sign of happiness and friendship. This wasn’t the case right now, as everything in Joseph’s body language screamed of rage, of pain, of words spoken through gritted teeth. Nobody in the room was focused on the predator in the cage at this point, instead all eyes staring at the human. Suddenly the feline mattered a lot less than the anger of the human.
“That sort of thinking leads to the belief that killing over a billion innocent people is somehow the right thing to do. You are all presumably intelligent sapient adults able to think things through logically. Could you all please act that way?”
I could see the swishes of shame from the other Venlil’s tails, everyone in the room avoiding eye contact guiltily. Well, apart from the Yotul, who had remained seated and calm this entire time, staring almost joyfully at the feline predator. The human, of course, was completely right. Taking a moment to force myself to think, the predator was safely behind metal bars and was making no move to attack, seemingly content to stare lazily at us.
You finished overreacting?
Shut up, brain.
“Also, at the risk of ruining the angry vibe I’m giving off, is the guy who jumped out the window OK? Jesus Christ, we are two stories up, do we have to call someone or….”
Joseph had relaxed a little in response to the group calming down, allowing the normal empathetic nature of humans to come through once more. Slowly I made my way to the window, looking down to see a singular Venlil running off into the distance.
“I-I think he’s fine.” I responded, causing the human to give a sigh of relief in response.
“Good. Note to self, do this in a room without windows next time… or maybe just the ground floor. So, to continue where I left off, humans have used tame predators as a natural non-invasive form of pest control since we started farming. This is a cat, completely harmless unless you’re a small rodent or bird. They also have this effect.”
With a flourish Joseph removed the covering for the cage containing the Flowerbird once more, the red little avian had been busily eating during the entire presentation so far. However upon spotting the Feline predator did something none of us had ever seen before.
It stopped eating. Wait, the human managed to get a Flowerbird to stop eating! I didn’t even know that was possible…
Giving repeated alarmed chirps it moved as far away as it could from the predator, still trapped inside the small cage, a frantic fear obvious on the poor little thing. Joseph let this go on for a few moments more, before dropping the cover back on and silencing the Flowerbird once more.
Everyone in the room was shocked. You could literally scream and shout all you wanted at the dumb little birds and they would ignore you and continue to devour crops. The fact that the feral predator had managed to stop the bird from doing that simply with its presence… was huge. Was more than huge.
“As you can see, the instincts of the ‘prey’ animal still remain. Presumably, whatever predator used to hunt these Flowerbirds has a resemblance to our cats. Normally it would be sacrilege to suggest introducing cats to an ecosystem, but in this case your ecosystems are so messed up that’s exactly what we want to do: Provide any farmer who wants one with a kitten, in order to quickly reduce yield lost to pests.”
I would be lying if I didn’t say I wasn’t interested. On the one hand having a vicious predator in my house, where my pups would visit seemed like something a predator diseased individual would only consider. On the other hand, nothing else I had ever tried had even come close to the simple effectiveness shown here.
Would I be this desperate and in debt if I had one of these “cats” already?
“So I can see you’re all still a little worried, so we’re going to have a little discussion, for which I need a volunteer-'' The Yotul in the back practically fell over with excitement, with his arm raised immediately as he interrupted, causing Joseph to give a small smile. “One who isn’t a Yotul. I know your history with similar pets, and we are totally going to hook you up with a cat, but for this I could do with a Venlil please.”
The Yotul sat back down, a look of disappointment plastered over his face as the rest of the room shifted uncomfortably. Nobody wanted to be the person to step up and presumably get closer to the predator. Until I found myself raising my hand.
Brain, what the hell are you doing?
You said you wanted to be better, and we’re desperate.
NOT LIKE THIS BRAIN!
In a blur I found myself being introduced to the room and being told to sit at a chair next to the desk in front of the rest of the members here. Then, to my horror, Joseph opened the cage and took the feline predator out of its holding cell. The human took a few moments to fuss over the beast before turning to the rest of us.
“So now that we have our volunteer, let's logically look at our ‘dangerous predator’. The first thing to notice is simply the size. Regardless of anything else, size matters, size matters a lot. It’s hard to feel threatened by something that you can literally throw across the room.”
Joseph took a moment to hold the small creature next to me for context, highlighting just how small the predator actually was: barely the size of a Skivit, like a furry little pup. Logically if it wasn't for the forward facing eyes, I might consider it… cute?
“But what about its teeth and claws? It’s a predator that will tear people apart!”
The voice of the Gojid sounded out, a shrill fearful voice filled with barely contained panic and fear, the source of the sound looking ready to flee even though they weren’t the one sitting next to the predator
“Let's compare these. Tellek can you please extend your paws and show your claws to the group.”
I did as asked, my four black claws visible for all to see as Joseph moved the predator close. He stretched out one of its paws and pressed on a knuckle, a singular sharp claw protruding as he did so, causing a fresh burst of fear to erupt in my heart from being so close to such a thing.
Although if I was to be fully honest, if I was comparing the two, the predator’s claw were…
“As you can see, the cat’s claw, while sharper, is far smaller and more brittle. A Venlil can do some serious damage with their claws, while the worst this cat’s claw could do is break the skin. The teeth are similar, if you could show the group your pearly whites please.”
I again did as asked, feeling embarrassed and weird just having my mouth wide open in front of everyone. I hoped that there was nothing stuck in my teeth. While I did Joseph manhandled the cat again, taking a moment to move the lips and display the sharp needle point teeth, doing so for a moment before the small predator gave a small lazy growl of annoyance, clearly reaching the end of its acceptability.
“Once again we have similar results: Notice the small size of the cat's teeth compared with the Venlil’s. These would pierce skin, the Venlil’s would pulverize bone. Gojid aren’t much better with your literal claws and a back full of knives. Ironically enough the two ‘predators’ in the room are probably the least physically imposing.”
There was a moment as the room seemed to ponder this statement, allowing Joseph enough time to place the cat on the desk next to me, the predator promptly giving a stretch then curling up into a ball. The human was right, even humans themselves were physically… underwhelming, apart from their endurance. No claws, small teeth, no defensive armor or spines.
It’s kinda sad to think the only reason we’re all so scared of humans is their eye placement.
“Now the UN and Venlil government are looking for people to use cats as pest control to increase farming yield, with an initial trial size of about 100 participants. We’re offering a stipend for food, instructional care of your kitten, and as much support as needed. There are risks, for instance you’re going to need warning signs near your property and a containment system, as cats are actually dangerous to the Dossur.”
I could hardly hear Joseph speak, my entire concentration focused on the predator right next to me. I knew logically that the human wouldn’t do something to bring me to harm, but it was difficult to think that with a potentially feral predator right next to me. I saw its eyes fixate onto mine and I quickly looked away.
Maybe if I don’t look at it, it won’t take it as a challenge.
However much to both mine and the rest of the room's shock, slowly and carefully the cat stood up, stretched once before walking purposefully towards me, the room erupting into cries of worry as it leapt off the desk and onto my lap, curling into a ball with me trapped underneath.
“H-h-help…. Help…..!”
The human turned to look at me, breaking into a smile seemingly at my misfortune and giving a small chuckle.
“Awwww, she likes you. As you all can see cats share a lot of characteristics with ‘prey’. They will often seek companionship from others, and have a lot of prey characteristics, being at times skittish due to having many natural predators.”
That was good and all, but didn’t stop me from being trapped under the beast.
I don’t want to think about what could cause a predator to become prey.
“W-What d-do I do?”
Joseph gave a small shrug in response, clearly amused by my reaction.
“You could try petting her. Her name is Sprinkles and I can confirm she likes pets.”
You see brain, this is what happens when I let you do things! Now I'm trapped by a predator and I'm gonna die!
Stop being such a pup, the thing is tiny. Besides, don't humans claim petting stuff is nice?
Slowly I reached out a paw, gingerly approaching the predator, those yellow slitted eyes regarding my exposed arm as I gently placed it on the "cat", running my paw across its back.
I felt my held breath release as the predator did nothing, some of the tension of the room releasing in the instant.
"So interesting thing about cats: they 'chose' to be domesticated."
Joseph had gone back to talking, seemingly happy that I wasn't about to be torn apart. I had stopped listening, entirely focused on keeping the predator satisfied by running my paws across its fur.
Isn't this nice? I gotta admit I understand why humans like doing this.
Fine. I'll admit that this isn't unpleasant, the cat is rather soft.
"When humans originally started farming, that also attracted pests. Cats just turned up, following their food source. They stuck around because humans would feed them and provide companionship."
I was entirely focused on the cat at this point, running my claws through the fur, feeling the predator press itself against my paw, seeming to be enjoying itself. Gently I moved my claw to the back of one of its tiny little ears, scratching behind it like you might do to comfort a young pup. It started to emanate a low vibrating noise in response, causing another wave of tension to emit from the rest of the room.
For some reason, even though this feral predator was sitting on my lap, the sound seemed to vibrate through my heart in a calming motion.
Maybe this is some kind of predatory hypnosis?
Really? Just shush and enjoy this. Being scared of everything all the time is so tiring.
"Nobody needs to worry. That is just the sound a happy cat makes, it's called purring. Although I do need to take Sprinkles back now."
Joseph motioned towards the cat on my lap, a motion I decided to ignore, enjoying petting the purring cat for a few moments more. Eventually the human reached down and removed Sprinkles from my grasp as I momentarily resisted before letting the feline go.
See, that wasn't so bad.
Brain, I will admit- reluctantly- that I would have preferred to keep doing that.
With a small amount of resentment I watched as Joseph placed the cat back inside the cage, before turning back to the rest of the room.
"So anyone who is interested, stick around and we can get the paperwork completed."
—-------------
In the end eight of us remained, 5 Venlil, 2 Gojid, and obviously the Yotul. We had spent the last half a claw having instructions and paper work thrust upon us. Many of the group had immediately left, with others dropping out as various facts of cat ownership became apparent.
Still, those of us who were left behind were now heading to our respective farms, each with a single carry case. Mine was currently containing a gray and black “kitten,” which had been “meowing” loudly during the entire journey.
I looked simply at the little bundle of fur and eyes that peered out from inside the cage I had been given. Part of my mind still screamed danger, but it was a part that was getting quieter and quieter as I continued to look at what was a small fragile bundle of fur that I was now ultimately in charge of.
How could you look at something that’s hardly bigger than your paw, and think it’s a danger?
As I reached my farm, I finally opened up the container and pulled out the tiny predator. My tiny predator. There would be work to do, fences to erect and warning signs to place, but for now I just held the tiny thing in my paws, supporting it in the way I’d been told to. I now knew why humans spent all their time trying to pet things: with the troubles on the farm I hadn’t felt this calm in several cycles.
He was more energetic then Sprinkles had been, but in a way the more skittish nature pulled at my heartstrings, as if it was a small innocent Venlil pup. I sat there stroking it, realizing I still needed to give him a name. He was fluffy, Tiny, innocent, fragile. Yet with an underlying spice as it continued to meow loudly as I held in my paws
“I will call you Fireberry. My little predator.”

I’m sorry if this post is really upsetting to anyone. I just feel like I’ve been trying so hard to be “normal” and I always fall so short.
I’m only 23 and at this point i feel like I’ve really tried my hardest and I don’t know what else to do. Besides likely having inherited bipolar 1 from my mom I already had Cptsd from all all of the physical and psychological abuse I sustained as a child, im having a really hard time grounding and pulling myself out of the lows and rumination’s and self-criticism
I try so hard to set up appointments and my local hospital just ends up cancelling a week our a couple days out from my appointment and then I have to wait another 3-6months just to have the psychiatrist cancel it in a days notice. At which point I have to start the process over again and book another appointment 3-6 months out again without any guarantee that I will even be seen at all. Every one of these instances chip away at my will to live.
i put myself under 72 hour hold at my local facility just so I could be set up on medications but I’ve tried over 8 now and nothing helps. I wish I could say I have faith in ketamine or ECT but I frankly do not. I’m just so tired of living like this

I am pretty sure I’ve made essays on here calling Rory privileged/dumb for what she did after college, but that was because when I was at school I was a lot like her - desperate to get into a particular school.
Don’t get me wrong, I dislike the way ASP wrote out the last couple of seasons (Luke vs lorelai, April, even how Rory interacted with her parents) but I feel like her spiral story line does make a lot of sense now. Like she was coddled a lot and also burnt herself out very young, which meant she lost perspective about what was good/bad (ie sleeping with your married ex). I’ve made the same mistakes as Rory (okay not the cheating one or jail one but similar vibes) through college. I also used to question how Rory would let Mitchum get to her - but again now it makes perfect sense. Her sense of self was very low and entwined in either how others adored her or her academics appeared, and at that time she had neither. I actually am enjoying rewatching this on the downfall now that I understand her character a bit more. The thing I don’t like is Rory’s redemption - she doesn’t ever deal with those issues or address them, which I guess makes perfect sense that she ends up unsuccessful later.
I wish season 6/7 had different storylines - like Rory facing Christopher, Rory exploring other careers, Rory/Lorelai confrontation, Rory living without Logan or Paris for a bit. Also I like April but lorelai and chris storyline makes me claw my eyes out everytime.
This is a massive rant but basically, I empathise and understand Rory a lot more now

Examples (things I’ve done): - Only taking selfies (screams I am insecure about my body and likely overweight) - Poor self maintenance - Only taking a picture with a filter (I wish I looked like my filter ha) - Paying for men I’m seeing (paying for travel to see them, food etc) - Reaching out to men who have treated me badly despite taking a stance on cutting them off and possibly communicating I’ll be no contact with them - Sending paragraphs to men (ugh I hate this one) - Ghosting men then messaging them when I feel desperate and lonely - Believing I am not the prize and acting like a door mat - Looking horrified if I get complimented about being smart etc at work and immediately dismissing it - Hyper-focusing on things about myself I believe are negative - Overcompensating in most things when I get breadcrumbs - Forgiving and reengaging with fake friends who have stabbed you in the back
Etc. I am in therapy 1-2x a week so it’s great to focus on myself and work through this mess.
I’m just wondering how you face people you have let treat you like rubbish (particularly men) after you rebuild yourself back up.
Do you just ignore them if you see them? What if they talk rubbish about you and say you’re a cheap fuck (for example)?

I'm banking exclusively on meds to fix me.
So far I've had pretty disappointing results, however (luckily) buspirone has helped my severe anxiety quite a bit. ADHD is hard to pin down if it's being helped, and depression/anhedonia hasn't gotten even slightly better through I think 6 different meds now, over the course of ~7 years of trying to get better. No idea what else, if anything, is wrong with me, I'd have to be able to actually tell what I'm thinking/feeling for that.
I tried therapy a number of times, online, in person, at inpatient after a suicide attempt, but it's never going to work for me. All of my problems are caused by my chemically broken brain and real things that happen in my life. There's nothing a therapist can get me to "think about differently" or "learn to accept", everything is just how it is.
I don't "think I'm worthless", I'm shown it every day when the people whose lives I try to be a part of actively want nothing to do with me (unless they want something from me). Or when I'm unable to make myself happy, because my brain doesn't work correctly.
I don't "have low self esteem", I'm realistic about my limitations and features. I know I could be smart if my brain worked correctly, but it doesn't. I know I can be funny and nice to be around, if given the opportunity (which I'm not frequently). I know I'm not very ugly, but also not very attractive, and I could look okay if I put in more effort (but, I never cared enough/had the opportunity to find a style I like, nor do I have anyone to impress, so I don't)
Everything that could be considered self-harmful behavior, was a means to an end in my attempts to make my life better. I cut myself because not feeling anything is more painful to me. I tried to kill myself because the chances of me ever getting better are extremely slim. I did DXM weekly for a couple years because it allowed me to experience feelings I otherwise never do (and I only stopped because of my anxiety.)
I started actively "trying to get better" again about 6 months ago and I'm already losing the will to continue. It's the same pattern over and over again of try a new med for a few weeks, realize it does literally nothing to me, rinse and repeat. I don't know how much more wasted, painful effort I can realistically rationalize before giving up and killing myself.